MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script

The Full Script

                           MSTF 6: THE MUSICAL
                                OTFCC 2003
                            CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

              Annotations by Philip N. Zeman and the MSTF Staff


 - SCREEN FADE TO BLACK -

(Each paragraph is on its own "page" in white text on solid black. Think
the very opening of "Dogma")

The opinions expressed in this presentation are not necessarily those of
3H Productions, LLC. or Hasbro Inc, who claim no responsibility for its
content.

Though to be honest, the opinions expressed in this presentation are
probably not too far off from 3H's opinions, and Hasbro probably doesn't
care.

In fact, we're willing to bet that the opinions here are pretty close to
the opinions of most of the people in this room right now.

We mean, you all KNOW this is a presentation devoted to taking stuff that
takes itself WAY too seriously and making it less so, right?

Right?

And we hope that you're all rational and mature enough to realize this is
all done in harmless jest, and not get offended because we happen to be
making fun of something you like. We're making fun of things we like too.
We're making fun of ourselves, and not even getting PAID for it. Just
because we don't believe in sacred cows doesn't mean there's any malice
behind this.

Okay, maybe a little malice. "Aerial Assault" is the kind of episode you
want to slap once or twice, really hard.

Where were we?

Uhhh...

Aw, crap. Just start the stupid thing.

- OPENING TITLES -
        - "Evil Plans of Planet Spectra" by Man Or Astro-Man?

***************************************************************************
OPENING SKIT: SPEND
***************************************************************************

 - PAUSE TAPE, LIGHTS UP -

(Music played by Phil on keyboards begins... it's "Dare" from the TF Movie
soundtrack. But the words are different. Sipher begins to sing, with Phil
and Doug providing backings where appropriate...)

Sometime in the year 2003
Deep in Chicago
To a Transformers' con you're goin'
What your parents think has never mattered
Nor friends who said you were lame
The fire in your wallet is growin'!

You can buy clear red T-AI from Fumihiko and crew
Why not some DiCola CDs, too?

SPEND! This is what you've been saving for
You can hold Grand Max in your hands!
SPEND! Get out there on the dealer floor
Toys from foreign lands
Can be yours if you SPEND!

Everybody's trying to take your money
And leave you with crap
Like the latest from WebDiver
Wait a sec, you thought you had more moolah
You thought you had a hundred
Guess that was a fifty, not a fiver!

Out of the hotel you go to the ATM
Looks like ramen for a month again!

SPEND! Who cares if your bills are overdue!
You gotta have all those PVCs!
SPEND! Although your home loan won't go through!
Buy junk from overseas
To get the chase you must SPEND!

(spoken)
Okay, so I got two of each of the convention-exclusive toys, because you
HAVE to keep one in the box because they're gonna be hyper-valuable one
day, right? So there's that, and I just found out that the British release
of Transmetal 2 Megatron's red chrome is a tiny fraction more towards
"cherry red" than either the US and Japanese versions that I already own,
so I HAVE to buy that! So sixteen Brazilian Minibots, a Ghost Starscream
and one Action Master Elite later, I'm back at my room with all my new
toys. A few thousand down, no love in my life, but I just gotta get back
out there and...
(back to singing...)

SPEND! Dammit you must own Takotank!
Toys are your one true love in life!
SPEND! Transmetal Arcee might break the bank
But she's the closest you'll have to a real wife!

SPEND! So you own thirteen Scorponoks!
You just gotta prove you're a real fan!
SPEND! A Benjamin for Rally's Rhinox
Say "hi" for me to the repo man!

(slows down dramatically)

Spend, but before you go blow your wad
Stay here and join the misery
Sit, and watch "Cosmic Rust", oh God...
Watch the mockery...
Then get the hell out there and SPEND!

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

[At the actual performance, Vince DiCola agreed to play backup keyboards
with Phil playing main piano.  Phil didn't know about this until the night
before it happened....

Also, it became apparent that this song was out of Sipher's range, even in
a lower key, so Doug filled in on backups and then main vocals for some
portions.]

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

 - "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #1 -

Drink ARCEE COLA
        "Foresee the death of your thirst!"

***************************************************************************
EPISODE ONE: TRANSFORMERS - COSMIC RUST
***************************************************************************

        (Astrotrain flying through space)
        RUMBLE: (vo) Astrotrain! Look out for those asteroids!

DOUG: Look out! Flying Saucer!

[From the old arcade game "Asteroids".]

        (They approach an orange planet with a huge glowing yellow Autobot
             sigil on its side)
        ASTROTRAIN: Well, fry my heat shields...

PHIL: Who are you, Astrosemite Sam?

SIPHER: (Yosemite Sam) Ah HATES that petro-rabbit.

[Yosemite Sam is a well-known Warner Brothers cartoon character known for
his Southern sayings, which Astrotrain seems to have picked up.]

        (inside Astrotrain, Rumble, Starscream and Megatron look at their
                consoles)
        STARSCREAM: Our sensors show no sign of life.
        MEGATRON: Exercise caution. They may be deceiving our sensors.

SIPHER: But... if they were HIDING, they wouldn't slap a huge glowing
        Autobot sigil the size of a CONTINENT on the side of the planet!

        (Astrotrain lands)
        RUMBLE: It sure looks like a ghost planet.

DOUG: (Rumble) I'm gonna say hi to Zorak and Moltar while I'm here.

[From "Space Ghost Coast to Coast", natch.]

        MEGATRON: It's not like the Autobots to leave a whole city to decay.

PHIL: Wasteful stupidity is OUR schtick!

        (They approach a huge spire.)
        STARSCREAM: It's covered with inscriptions!

SIPHER: For... good time... call... Night...

        (Starscream starts to work one of the consoles at the spire)
        MEGATRON: Starscream! Keep your cruddy fingers off that, it could be
                a booby trap!
        STARSCREAM: What trap?! This is a prehistoric communication device,
                you uneducated dolt!

PHIL: (Starscream) I'm CALLING that number!

        (A beam of light shoots from the top of the spire... the Decepticons
                move backwards... and a hologram of an old robot, almost
                completely covered in rust appears)
        HOLOGRAM: If Cybertron be home... far away, never roam! Hear my
                message, listen in fear! Danger comes, the end is near!

PHIL: Well, now we know where Wheelie came from.

DOUG: So Cosmic Rust is a GOOD thing!

[Wheelie is from "Transformers: The Movie", and he always spoke in rhymes.
The fact that most fans seem to hate him is why Cosmic Rust would be a good
thing, if it were to destroy him.]

        HOLOGRAM: ... all shall be turned... to dust...

SIPHER: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...

[The song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas]

        RUMBLE: Sounded like a... a curse!
        ASTROTRAIN: He's right. The omens are ill.

SIPHER: (Miss Cleo) Call me now, honeychile!

[Miss Cleo was known for her telephone psychic "help".  If she could
really have seen omens, she'd have known she'd be busted for scamming
people.]

        (Megatron barges past them)
        MEGATRON: ... it's an obvious trick designed to scare us off!
        STARSCREAM: Megatron's right. Where there's a curse on the door...
                there's treasure on the other side!

DOUG: And horrible, agonizing death.

        (They enter a dark room... and see a metal statue of an insect)
        STARSCREAM: How CUTE... a lightning bug!
        ASTROTRAIN: If that's a lightning bug, I'd sure hate to meet up with
                a dragonfly!

PHIL: Or a donkeyfly.

SIPHER: Eeee.

[Referring to the animated movie "Shrek".]

        (Starscream runs up the podium, grips the tall statue with a spread-
                legged stance, and grunts as he tries to lift it)

PHIL: No, no -- lift with your legs, not your back!

SIPHER: (weakly) Ow, my spleen...

[In the actual presentation, the onscreen visuals were more than enough to
get a laugh.  Doug tried to say "We had lines here, folks, but it's just not
worth it," but the general laughter drowned him out.]

        MEGATRON: Stand aside, weaklings!

        (Close up of Megatron... um... grunting)

SIPHER & DOUG: I'LL show you how to schtupp a bug!

        (The bug lights up... then fires a beam right through the ceiling,
                energy pouring into the sky)

PHIL: Shouldn't have shut down the containment unit.

[From "Ghostbusters".  When Mr. Peck orders the power to the ghost
containment unit to be shut down, the ghost energy builds up and explodes
through the roof of the building, much like what we see here.]

        (The energy fades, and the bug stops glowing... overhead shot of the
                Decepticons through the hole in the ceiling...)
        ASTROTRAIN: Vaporized...

DOUG: Sanitized.

PHIL: Pasteurized.

SIPHER: No, just up to my knees.

[An old joke.  Person walks into a store, asks for many gallons of milk.
"Why do you need so much milk?"  "My doctor told me to take a milk bath
for my dry skin."  "Pasteurized?"  "No, just up to my knees."]

        MEGATRON: How ironic!

ALL: IRONIC!

DOUG: Everybody DRINK!

(All three lift glasses and take a swig)

[Just a statement about how Megatron seems to use that word more often
than Alanis Morrisette.]

        (Symbol transition... Astrotrain takes off)
        RUMBLE: Sure glad we're out of there. That place was giving me the
                surges!

SIPHER: That drink tastes like goat urine anyway.

["Surge", the drink known for its... unique taste and color.  And the
commercials where people chase after it for no reason after someone
shouts "Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrge!"]

        (Astrotrain speeds into space... and a blue asteroid follows him)

DOUG: Ummm...

        MEGATRON: Faster, Astrotrain! We've got an asteroid on our tail!

PHIL: Have you tried TURNING?

        (Megatron is behind the bug again...)

SIPHER: Man, Meggy sure loves that bug.

DOUG: Just call it Herbie.

["The Love Bug" was a Disney movie from the 1960's that featured a
temperamental VW Beetle named "Herbie".]

        (A bolt of bug-energy shoots out from Astrotrain, detonating the
                asteroid.)

SIPHER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA boom!

[From the Radio Free Cybertron reading of Deathasauras's "Ravage Three
Bodies Evolution Fanfic".  If you don't know, don't ask.]

        (Astrotrain is pelted with debris)
        ASTROTRAIN: I'm hit! Damage extreme, but holding!
        (A fragment of asteroid breaks through the hull, and imbeds itself in
                Megatron's shoulder)

DOUG: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?

[From Matt "Yartek" Marshall's parodized version of the first Armada
mini-comic that came packed with the toys. He rewrote Hot Shot to be
some savant that spoke with a large font.]

        (Sigil transition... the Decepticons' underwater base)
        STARSCREAM: Astrotrain will be laid up for weeks until replacement
                parts are manufactured!
        (Megatron is lying on a repair table)
        MEGATRON: Forget Astrotrain! It is ME who must be attended to!

DOUG: Ahh, that Decepticon brotherly love.

PHIL: The type of love that makes you want to shove the wounded out of a
        shuttle into deep space....

[See "Transformers: The Movie"]

        MEGATRON: Now GET that asteroid chunk OUT of me!
        (Starscream smiles... his hand retracts into his sleeve, replaced
                with a claw)

SIPHER: Nice.

        (Starscream grips the fragment with the claw, puts his other hand on
                Megatron's shoulder and TUGS)

SIPHER: Great, what's next, leeches?

        (Starscream tugs it free)
        STARSCREAM: Unfortunately... the operation is successful.

PHIL: Oh, they were playing Operation!

DOUG: Well, Megs' nose didn't light up, so Starscream gets to draw another
        card.

[An old board game where players would draw cards to see what bone to remove
from a drawing of a person.  If the tweezers used hit the person, the
person's nose would light up, and the player's turn would be over.]

        MEGATRON: What is this on my chest hole?
        STARSCREAM: It looks like some sort of... russssssssst.

DOUG: You don't ssssssssssay.

        MEGATRON: We're rust-proof!
        STARSCREAM: Perhaps you were made of shoddy materials, Megatron!

SIPHER: Ths scene is gonna end in a kiss, isn't it?

        (Sigil transition... inside a museum, a big crowd is gathered in
                front of a stage with NATIONAL SCIENCE ACHEIVEMENT overhead)
        ANNOUNCER: Usually, our science achievement award goes to a human
                being!

PHIL: (stoner) 'Cept for that year we got high and awarded it to the snack
        machine in the lobby.

        ANNOUNCER: ... Perceptor, the inventor of Corrostop!
        (Perceptor walks onstage)
        PERCEPTOR: Thank you very much! This is an honor and a privilege!
        ANNOUNCER: Is it true that the Autobots plan to coat all the Earth's
                great monuments with Corrostop?
        PERCEPTOR: We'd like to, eventually.

DOUG: Except for the Eiffel Tower. To hell with THAT!

[Just three days before the performance, the Eiffel Tower actually caught
fire. Really.]

        PERCEPTOR: As you know, Corrostop resists rust and corrosion!

PHIL: It'll work GREAT on Mount Rushmore!

[Mount Rushmore can't rust, it being made of rock, you see.]

        (The announcer adjusts his glasses)

SIPHER: (squeaky noise at the glasses-adjust)

        PERCEPTOR: Unfortunately, at this time, we only have enough
                Corrostop to coat one monument; the Statue of Liberty.

SIPHER: Well, why not pick two SMALL monuments?

        PERCEPTOR: ...so of course we wouldn't want the forumla to be
                discovered by the Decepticons.

PHIL: So you'll just announce it to the entire world, then.

DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Him smart.

[Mo-Ron is an idiotic alien visitor from a "Freakazoid!" episode, voiced
by legendary comedian Stan Freeberg.  And seriously; you'd assume that
this interview with Perceptor would be broadcast across the nation,
if not overseas, what with it dealing with a major national monument.  So
it's rather dumb for him to announce it for everyone to hear.]

        (Back at Decep HQ, Starscream walks in on Megatron)
        STARSCREAM: ... your replacement part will be ready, as soon as they
                get around to it.
        MEGATRON: Replacing my chest won't be enough!

PHIL: I need hair plugs too!

        MEGATRON: I need an EXPERT! Order the Stunticons to seize Perceptor
                and bring him to me! DO AS I SAY!!! (cough hack)

SIPHER: THIS I COMMAHAAAACK COUGH ACKGL...

[Serpentor, the Cobra Emperor from Hasbro's "G.I. Joe" line, often
punctuated his commands with "THIS I COMMAND!"]

        (Sigil transition)
        (The Statue of Liberty... the Aerialbots come flying in)
        SLINGSHOT: YAHOOOOOOO! Come on Aerialbots, we're gonna spray ol'
                Lady Liberty!

DOUG: She has aphids.

        (The Autobots are all over Liberty, spraying away)

SIPHER: Look! Jay Sherman's getting her armpit!

[A gag from "The Critic" cartoon series starring Jon Lovitz. A sequence
about cleaning up New York features the main character spraying Lady
Liberty's armpit with a gigantic deodorant bottle, suspended by helicopter.]

        (Gears is spraying the torch... but he's colored purple)

DOUG: Hey! That's not Gears, it's a MALIGNUS!

[The Malignus were the badguys from the short-lived Brazilian Transformers
toyline. They were basically evil-looking recolors of Gears, Brawn and
Windcharger, up against the heroic Optimus team consisting of recolors of
Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, and "Bumper".]

        (Out at sea... a ferryboat sails in... and the Stunticons are on it
        in vehicle mode. They transform, poorly animated...)

PHIL: Geez, and people cried over Beast Machine's morph-like
        transformations...

[Oh, they did.]

        BREAKDOWN: ... I mean, we're taking over this boat! Snap TO it,
                everybody, INTO THE CAPTAIN'S CABIN!

DOUG: A captain's cabin on a car ferry?

SIPHER: Why couldn't this happen on a Carnival Cruise?

        (Perceptor is talking to a news crew)
        PERCEPTOR: Corrostop will keep the Statue of Liberty safe from acid
                rain! Or anything else that's harmful!
        (Close-up on the female reporter, with long black hair and tinted
        round glasses...)

SIPHER: It's the Baroness undercover!

[The Baroness from G.I. Joe looks quite similar to our reporter.]

        PERCEPTOR: I must apologize, but I cannot reveal anything about the
                compound.
        (At sea, Wildrider is using a motorboat to tow a skiing Drag Strip)
        WILDRIDER: Hey, fellows! Catch THIS wild action!

PHIL: (snob voice) I say, fellows...

        (Wildrider curves sharply at the edge of the island, and Drag Strip
        leaps up, transforming in midair and peeling out)
        (The reporter turns... and lets out a LONG, squeaky scream...)

SIPHER: She's leaking air!

        PERCEPTOR: A Stunticon!
        (Drag Strip transforms back to robot mode, and holds up his pistol)
        DRAG STRIP: Yoooou've got iiit! And heere's greetings from
                Meegatrooon!

DOUG: So they recorded his lines on a 45, and played them back on a 33.

PHIL: A vinyl record joke. Man, do I feel old now.

        (Motormaster, on top of the ferry, whirls a chain over his head and
        swings, wrapping it around Perceptor, and yanking him into the ocean)
        PERCEPTOR: (struggling) HELP! OPTIMUS!
        (Optimus and Ironhide are staring at the Statue of Liberty)

SIPHER: The eternally vigilant Autobots.

        (The reporter runs up)
        REPORTER: (wooden) Optimus Prime, hurry! Perceptor's been captured!

PHIL: (mean) SOMEBODY got their girlfriend into the recording studio...

DOUG: (wincing) Ooooh.

        (The Aerialbots fly off to search for Perceptor... leaving behind a
                badly-rendered Liberty)

SIPHER: The Autobots even extended Liberty's arm!

        (Meanwhile, Perceptor is being marched towards Blitzwing in jet mode)
        BREAKDOWN: Move it, into the hold!
        DEAD END: You've got an appointment with Megatron!

DOUG: Hope you brought your rubber gloves...

        (Commercial break)
        (Blitzwing takes off, flying past New York skyscrapers)
        SLINGSHOT: There's Blitzwing!
        (The Aerialbots fly past the same piece of scenery, looking really
        huge doing so)
        AIR RAID: And I'll bet my tailfin he's got Perceptor!

PHIL: I'll see your tailfin and raise you a stabilizer.

SIPHER: I'll see his tailfin and raise my lunch.

        AIR RAID: Stay on his tail, Skydive!
        (Fireflight zips around a church or something)
        FIREFLIGHT: WHOA!

DOUG: Oh, MAN! I was really SCARED for a second there!

SIPHER: What?!

DOUG: Well, I'd just thought that I might have left my oven on back home
        before coming here.

SIPHER: Oh.

DOUG: But then I remembered shutting it off.

SIPHER: Well, that's good.

        (Over the ocean)
        BLITZWING: Come in, Megatron! I have Perceptor, but the Aerialbots
                are following me! Ready air defenses!
        (The tower emerges from the water...)

PHIL: *Someone's* got tower envy....

        (Dirge and Ramjet wheel out the lightning bug...)
        BLITZWING: They're on my tail!
        (The jets raise the bug's wings)

        (The bug shoots out a bolt of lightning)

DOUG: Now there's a unique bug zapper.

PHIL: How ironic.

ALL: IRONIC!

SIPHER: Everybody DRINK!

(All three lift glasses and take a swig)

        BLITZWING: Come a little closer, Aerialmoths, and get your wings
                singed!
        (Fireflight takes a hit and goes down in flames)

DOUG: So THAT'S why they call him Fireflight!

        (Air Raid fires a quartet of missiles that are detonated by more bug
        bursts, then he takes a hit.)
        AIR RAID: Aaaaaaaa!

PHIL: Boom!

        AIR RAID: It's some weird kind of heat ray! And it WORKS!

SIPHER: You expected them to use a NON-WORKING heat ray?

        (The tower descends. Perceptor is shoved into the HQ...)
        MEGATRON: (still seated, facing away from the camera) Welcome,
                Perceptor... (cough)
        PERCEPTOR: Please, dispense with the formalities.

PHIL: (Kranix) SPARE me this...

[From one of the Quintesson trials in "Transformers: The Movie".]

        (Megatron turns... and is covered in brown spots)

SIPHER: Megatron forgot to wipe himself!

PHIL: Thank you, Walky.

[David "Walky" Willis has been known for his affinity for poop jokes.]

        MEGATRON: ... to gain peace, in return for a favor!
        PERCEPTOR: What sort of favor?
        MEGATRON: Solve this little problem of mine...

DOUG: Here's some Depends, now lemme go, stinky.

        PERCEPTOR: If you're serious about peace, Megatron, then begin by
                surrendering your new weapon.
        MEGATRON: If you cure me, the weapon is yours.
        PERCEPTOR: (sigh) Very well...

PHIL: And you believe him WHY?

SIPHER: Yeah, next Megatron's gonna offer Perceptor some magic beans.

[From the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk".]

        PERCEPTOR: (in microscope mode) You've been infected by a metallic
                plague, Megatron.
        MEGATRON: IMPOSSIBLE! Only organic forms of life can be infected by
                disease!

DOUG: You brought him here because he knows more than ALL your troops, and
        YOU'RE STILL GONNA ARGUE WITH HIS DIAGNOSIS?

PHIL: Mega-no-short-term-memory-tron.

        PERCEPTOR: ... like the Black Plague did to humans. It's Cosmic
                Rust!
        (Cut to the bay with the bug...)
        PERCEPTOR: This is what caused the problem. The asteroid that hit
                you is covered in Cosmic Rust Germs!

SIPHER: So why aren't Astrotrain and Starscream infected? They both
        touched the thing...

        PERCEPTOR: ... and the germs have been feeding off an alien energy
                source!
        (He turns... walking towards the bug...)
        PERCEPTOR: I sense energy... here!
        MEGATRON: From my heat ray?
        PERCEPTOR: Yes! It's making the disease spread faster!

DOUG: This episode is just a Public Service Announcement, isn't it?

SIPHER: Just say no to bugs?

PHIL & DOUG: AAARGH!

SIPHER: Abstain from pre-marital insects?

PHIL & DOUG: Stop it!

        (Megatron's hand falls off as he rants)
        MEGATRON: NOW SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

DOUG: Come on, let's give Megatron a hand.

(Phil starts clapping.)

SIPHER: I don't know either of you.

        (Perceptor picks up Megatron's hand)
        PERCEPTOR: Well, perhaps a few drops of this will help.
        (He pours a little Corrostop out of a beaker onto the hand... and
        it's all of a sudden better and shiny)
        MEGATRON: What is that?
        PERCEPTOR: I call it "Corrostop".

PHIL: Um, didn't you NOT want the Decepticons to know about this?

        (Megatron grabs the beaker, pours some into his other hand, and wipes
        it on his arm and face, removing the rust...)

SIPHER: So it patches holes, too.

        MEGATRON: Decepticons... we are about to be CURED!
        (sigil transition)
        (in space... Cosmos flies in...)
        COSMOS: Blaster, I have something terrible to report! There is no
                more Ingredient X... anywhere!

DOUG: That bastard Utonium got the last of it!

[Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to
create the perfect little girl. But Professor Utonium accidently added an
extra ingredient to the concoction... CHEMICAL X. Thus, the Powerpuff Girls
were born!]

        BLASTER: Prime's really gonna have the blues when he hears this
                news! There's nowhere to shop for more Corrostop!
        (sigil transition)
        (At Autobot HQ, the Aerialbots are talking to Prime... Fireflight and
        Air Raid are still smoldering.)

PHIL: Permission to put out the fire on my butt?

        FIREFLIGHT: Yeah, and got blasted by this incredible heat ray!
                (turns around) My tail got sizzled!
        AIR RAID: Not to mention my wing! I need some spare parts right now!
        OPTIMUS: This is grim news indeed.

SIPHER: My troops have started smoking.

        (Megatron comes on the view screen, and he's all shiny.)
        MEGATRON: Greetings, Optimus Prime! I come to you with a... gesture
                of goodwill!
        OPTIMUS: Goodwill, Megatron?

DOUG: You're no match for my Salvation Army.

[Goodwill and Salvation Army are two well-known charity organizations
in the United States.]

        MEGATRON: I'm releasing Perceptor!
        OPTIMUS: Where, and when?

PHIL: Last summer at your local toy store. But he's made up of three Mini-
        Cons now.

[A reference to the Armada Street Action Mini-Con Team, the three robots
of which form the Armada character Perceptor.]

        OPTIMUS: WHEN, Megatron?
        (Megatron leans in... and his mouth is horribly out-of-place from the
        rest of his head)

DOUG: Oh no, he's making kissy-faces at Prime!

        OPTIMUS: What happens at noon?
        (The picture changes... Perceptor, in microscope mode, is bound to a
        stand covered in rust...)
        MEGATRON: At noon, the sun's rays will focus through his lenses,
                and ignite the fuse of the bomb at the base of his microscope!
        (Outside... all the Autobots are gathered)
        OPTIMUS: Autobots... I'm sure you're all aware that we're heading
                into a trap.

SIPHER: So let's be sure EVERY LAST ONE OF US is there for it!

        OPTIMUS: Megatron will have us on his terms, and on his turf.
                Autobots, transform and roll out!
        (He transforms and drives away, followed by the others)
        (sigil transition)
        (Perceptor struggles to transform in his bindings... and the sun is
        already starting to focus into a beam through his lens... close-up of
        the bomb...)

DOUG: No, Mister Bomb, I expect you to die!

[One of the most recognizable exchanges from the James Bond movie
"Goldfinger": "Do you expect me to talk?"  "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to
die!"  The sequence even involved Bond nearly being cut in two by a laser,
reflecting the scene here... kinda.]

        (The Autobots arrive)
        OPTIMUS: No sign of Megatron. Autobots, stay back!
        (He jumps down to Perceptor)
        PERCEPTOR: Optimus! You'll be infected with Cosmic Rust!
        OPTIMUS: If I don't save you, that bomb will blow you to bits!
        (close-up of the bomb)

PHIL: Oh no, someone set him up the b-

SIPHER: OH SHUT UP!

PHIL: Sorry, jeez.

[A few years ago, there was a net.famous movie taken from a Sega MegaDrive 
video game called "Zero Wing", and it featured horribly translated 
Japanese into English.  The two lines that were most notable were "All 
your base are belong to us" and "Someone set us up the bomb."  As with 
much of net.fame, it soon spiraled down into net.hatred.]

        (commercial break)
        PERCEPTOR: No, Optimus! Move back! Save yourself!
        OPTIMUS: Be quiet and that's an order!
        (Optimus pulls at Perceptor's bindings)

DOUG: Why not just pick up that little bomb and chuck it?

        (Perceptor is freed, the two run away and the bomb goes kaflooey)

DOUG: Yeah, yeah, aaaaa boom. Again.

[See above.]

        PERCEPTOR: You've got to leave me here, Optimus! If I go back to
                headquarters, I could infect everybody!

PHIL: I've got cooties!

        OPTIMUS: We're not leaving you anywhere, Perceptor. You're coming
                with us right now.
        (He picks up Perceptor, cradling him in his arms...)

SIPHER: (singing) Iiiiiii will always love yooooou...

[Whitney Houston's signature song from "The Bodyguard", which had the
image of Kevin Costner picking up Whitney and carrying her to safety.]

        (sigil transition)
        (Autobot HQ, the medics are looking at Perc...)
        PERCEPTOR: This rust is caused by germs that devour Cybertron
                alloys.
        OPTIMUS: But where do the rust germs come from?
        WHEELJACK: Maybe Teletraan-1 can tell us!
        TELETRAAN-1: Checking files...

PHIL: (T-1) You're boned.

        TELETRAAN-1: The germs originated on a planet called Antilla.
        (closeup of the planet and its giant Autobot sigil)

DOUG: (singing) It's another Antilla sunrise...

[A take-off of the Eagles' "Tequila Sunrise".]

        TELETRAAN-1: At the dawn of time, there was a thriving Autobot
                civilization.

PHIL: (T-1) And the FBI was founded in 1492 by uh... demons...

[From "Invader Zim", where Zim's computer is clearly just making stuff up
about the FBI when asked.]

        TELETRAAN-1: No cure was ever found. The Thirteenth Legion, the Lost
                Legion, was decimated by that malevolent scourge.
        (The screen shows two robots consumed by rust fall over and
        disintegrate)

PHIL: Cool!

DOUG: (Witch) I'm rusting... oh, what a world...

[The Wicked Witch of the West's death scene in "The Wizard of Oz".]

        WHEELJACK: Can't we do ANYTHING to protect ourselves?

ALL: TROJAN MAN!

[From the commercials featuring Trojan brand condoms.]

        TELETRAAN-1: Corrostop is the only known antidote.
        OPTIMUS: But we can't make anymore! We're out of the secret
                catalyst!

PHIL: (T-1) Remember the boned thing?

        OPTIMUS: The matter duplicator! But it doesn't work! It never
                worked!
        (T-1's screen goes fuzzy)
        OPTIMUS: Hmmm, that's strange. Teletraan-1 must be having some
                internal prob-... my hands! Cosmic Rust!

DOUG: No, that's just psoriasis.

        OPTIMUS: I... I had no choice. I had to rescue Perceptor. Ratchet!
                Blaster!
        (They too are covered in rust now...)
        BLASTER: Oh, NO! What's goin' on here, man! I'm too young a dude to
                die!
        RATCHET: Hey... it's suddenly getting hot in here!

SIPHER: It's hot inside a volcano.  Nooooooooooooooo.....

        (outside... it's the heat ray at work. Meggy's straddling it
                again...)

        RUMBLE: Why not use it at full power, and melt Autobot Headquarters
                to the ground?

PHIL: (Megs) How could we possibly retreat if we did THAT?

        MEGATRON: Soon they'll all be nothing but rusted scrap!
        (Inside...)
        OPTIMUS: He must be using that ray to spread the germs!
        PERCEPTOR: Then there is no time to lose! Come, Wheeljack, we have
                work to do!

DOUG: I've got a will to make out!

        (Sigil transition)
        (In a lab... with a big device...)

SIPHER: I'm just gonna assume this is the matter duplicator.

PHIL: I'm just gonna assume this is gonna work without a hitch.

        (Wheeljack fiddles with some controls... nothing happens. Perceptor
        then kicks the damn thing. It works.)

DOUG: Once again, violence is the answer!

        (The stuff on one end of the duplicator is now duplicated)

PHIL: Oh, the suspense.

        PERCEPTOR: Tremendous!
        WHEELJACK: It works!

SIPHER: And there was much rejoicing.

DOUG & PHIL: (bored) Yaay.

[From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".  We demand a shrubbery!]

        (sigil transition)
        (Decep base)
        MEGATRON: Well, Soundwave... has Laserbeak returned with the
                visuals?
        SOUNDWAVE: Affirmative.

DOUG: Yeah, why stick around and make SURE the plan goes through without a
        hitch?

        (The video screen shows the medical bay for the Autobots... several
        of them lying in beds, covered in rust and groaning)

SIPHER: How'd he get IN there?

        MEGATRON: (rubbing his hands together) How TERRIBLE!
        BUMBLEBEE: S-somebody's gotta get us back to Cybertron, Prime!

DOUG: I wanna take out the whole planet!

        MEGATRON: Too bad you used all the Corrostop on the human statue!
                And gave the rest to ME! Heh-heh...

PHIL: You gotta admit, that was kinda dumb. He's got us there.

        (Perceptor runs in)
        PERCEPTOR: We did it! We're going to be saved!

PHIL: We found Jesus!

DOUG: Primus.

        MEGATRON: WHAT?!
        PERCEPTOR: We finally got the matter duplicator working! All we have
                to do is scrape some Corrostop from the Statue of Liberty, and
                then we'll mass-produce it!

DOUG: (Megatron) HOW could I have prevented this from happening?!

SIPHER: (Rumble) TOLD ya so, numbnuts!

DOUG: (Megatron) SHUT UP!

        (The tower rises...)
        MEGATRON: The Statue of Liberty, of course! Pity it won't BE there
                by the time the Autobots arrive!

DOUG: (Megatron) Call David Copperfield!

[One of David Copperfield's most famous illusions was making the Statue of
Libery disappear back in the 1980's.]

        (sigil transition)
        (The Stunticons are still using the hijacked ferry, and they have the
        bug with them)
        MEGATRON: Stunticons! Transform, and merge into Menasor!
        (They do)
        MEGATRON: Now, the Lightning Bug!

SIPHER: Transform and- oh.

        MEGATRON: You shall have the honor of firing the heat ray!

PHIL: Did he really need to merge for that?

DOUG: They gotta remind kids that the toy can DO that.

        OPTIMUS: Drop it, Menasor!
        MEGATRON: Prime! Show yourself!
        (The Autobots appear on the Statue)
        OPTIMUS: Retreat now, Megatron!

SIPHER: Save us ALL a little time!

        (Megatron fires, and Prime stumbles to dodge, grabbing one of
        Liberty's crown-spikes.)

PHIL: Man, they stole this bit for "X-Men".

[The climactic fight in the first "X-Men" movie took place between
Wolverine and Sabertooth on the Statue of Liberty's head.]

        MEGATRON: You have no power left, Prime! The Cosmic Rust has
                infiltrated your logic circuits!
        OPTIMUS: Maybe so...

DOUG: I may be crazy, but it just may BE a lunatic you're looking for!

[Referencing the Billy Joel song "You May Be Right".]

        (Optimus fires, sending Megatron hopping backwards. The other
        Autobots open fire. Soundwave and Rumble fire back. Shot of the
        Statue lit up by laser fire...)

ALL: CRASHING through the sky... comes a fearful cry...

[The theme song of "G.I. Joe: The Movie", which featured a firefight by
the Statue of Liberty in the opening credits.]

        MEGATRON: Menasor! Turn on the heat!

DOUG: And grab some burgers!

        (Menasor raises the bug high... and the Aerialbots come swooping in)
        SILVERBOLT: ATTACK!
        (Menasor takes a few shots, making weird incomprehensible noises)

SIPHER: (Prof. Frink) Guh-HEY! GLAVEN!

[The scientist from "The Simpsons" who's characteristic is to make noises
and sounds and syllables that make no sense.  He's a parody of similar
characters/antics by Jerry Lewis.]

        (Menasor drops the bug)
        SILVERBOLT: Aerialbots, transform into SUPERION!
        (They do)
        (Menasor reaches for the dropped bug... but Superion shoots him away
        from it. Superion goes for the bug, but Menasor tackles him)

PHIL: Oh, he's down at the forty!

[Just a generic football reference.]

        (Superion gets Menasor in an overhand throw... and on impact with the
        ground, Menasor splits into his component Stunticons)

DOUG: Man, Tyson put up a better fight than that!

[Mike Tyson, the boxer, used to be an unstoppable force, but in recent
years has not been as stellar, including a really short championship bout
that Tyson lost.]

        (Superion aims...)

ALL: RAAAAAID?!

[The commercials for Raid bug spray used to feature cartoon bugs screaming
"RAAAAAID?!" right before they died from the spray.  Trivia note:  Gregg
Berger, who did the voice of Grimlock and Skyfire, was at least one of the
bugs.]

        (And he blows up the bug)
        MEGATRON: MY HEAT RAY!

SIPHER: (baby cry)

        MEGATRON: Abandon positions and fly out!

PHIL: In other words, run like hell!

        (The Deceps fly away. The Stunticons transform to robot mode and fly
        away too)
        (Sigil transition)
        OPTIMUS: I think we've seen the last of Cosmic Rust!
        BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, and we saved a lady at the same time!
        OPTIMUS: Lady?
        BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, THAT one! (points to Lady Liberty)
        (The Autobots cheer)

DOUG: Oh, so now she's gonna step down and beat the crap out of Vigo the
        Carpathian!

SIPHER: (singing) Your love keeps liftin' me...

["Ghostbusters 2" reference this time.  In it, the Ghostbusters use slime
and an NES Advantage controller (see below) to make the Statue of Liberty
walk to the museum so that the guys can beat Vigo.  The song used to make
the mood slime move the Statue is "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me".]

PHIL: All right.

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

 - LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -

***************************************************************************
SKIT TWO: HASBRO'S NEW DESIGNER
***************************************************************************

(Sipher holds up a sign reading "HASBRO'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE". Phil is off to
 one side.)

DOUG: Well, I suppose we had better get this over with. Sipher, send him
        in, will you?

SIPHER: M Sipher.

DOUG: Shut up.

(Sipher brings Phil in, who sits down opposite Doug and Phil)

DOUG: Now as you know, this is your annual review. We hired you to design
        new toys for our highly successful Transformers toy line.

PHIL: Yes, and thank you.

DOUG: Ahuh. Now, let's look at one of your first designs... the
        BladeMasters.

PHIL: Yes. Well, I thought that since ninjas are always popular with
        kids, that Transformers with pop-up swords and the like would be a
        good seller.

DOUG: Yes, that's all well and good, but your foamcore prototype used a
        REAL knife blade.

PHIL: That was just a working sample.

DOUG: All your design notes CALL for real knife blades. This one in
        particular... (shuffles through some papers)... says "Make sure this
        blade is as dull and rusty as possible."

PHIL: Well, kids like realism.

DOUG: And parents DON'T like having to send their children to the hospital
        for knife wounds and tetanus shots! Isn't that right, Sipher?

SIPHER: M Sipher.

DOUG: Shut up. Now moving on... there's this design idea of yours... the
        "TRANS-Formers".

(Doug holds up what is clearly a Barbie doll or some cheap equivalent.)

DOUG: I'll skip the obvious problems and just point out that we don't even
        HAVE the rights to use John Lithgow's likeness!

PHIL: That was just a suggestion. We could use Kurt Russell's likeness,
        perhaps.

DOUG: It doesn't MATTER whose likeness it is! We can't make this! What in
        the hell possessed you to design a toy that... (warily looks under
        the doll's skirt) URGH!

PHIL: Well, you said that we were looking at ways of expanding the brand
        name into new areas...

DOUG: It's this toy's "area" that worries me! We simply cannot... (looks
        at the doll again, audibly shudders, and throws it away) NO!

PHIL: I do have other design ideas, sir.

DOUG: Oh, you certainly do. (ruffles through some pages) Here's a gem...
	"Nerf Chainsaw"..."Ball Of Crap"..."Poisonous Ball of Crap"...
	"Graverobber Roy"..."Connect Pi"..."Eneman"..."ENEMAN"?

PHIL: I thought we could cross-brand it with Super Soa -

DOUG: NO. Just NO. Take a look at what other companies do. You do pay
	attention to our competitors, do you not?

PHIL: Oh, yeah, yeah. You mean like McDonald's and Sony.

DOUG: What? No! Other toy companies!

PHIL: Oh, yeah, right. I meant other toy companies. I pay attention to
	those all the time.

DOUG: All right. For the sake of argument, I'm going to believe you. Now,
	haven't you ever seen another company's product and thought it
	looked like a really fun toy? One that would really grab kids and
	their parents?

PHIL: I -

DOUG: And NOT with a robotic arm, wickedly festooned with a variety of
	cruel metal barbs.

PHIL: - oh.

DOUG: THINK, man! What did YOU like when YOU were a child?

PHIL: Hmm. Maybe I get it now. Like...

DOUG: Like?

PHIL: Like...we could do a building toy, those are popular...

DOUG: Right, right...

PHIL: Maybe...okay, I've got it. We make a series of bricks...

DOUG: Okay...

PHIL: They use a series of pegs and holes to connect together, and you
	can build all kinds of stuff...

DOUG: I like it so far...

PHIL: We could make Star Wars sets...and Harry Potter sets...

DOUG: ...uh-huh.

PHIL: Or hey!  Even robots that still transform!

DOUG: Sayyy...

PHIL: BUILDing those would RULE!

DOUG: I like it!

PHIL: We'll call it "LEGO"!

DOUG: *facepalm*

PHIL: (off in his own little world) And we could do some kind of game
	revolving around tops that transform into dragons! And all kinds of
	little diecast cars, with one of those popular names like "Hot
	Wheels" or "Matchbox"! Oh, and my daughter just loves those "Beanie
	Baby" animals. And there's this whole "Gundam" fad...

DOUG: We can't make a toyline called "Gundam"! Do you have any idea how
	illegal that is?

PHIL: What about "Madnug"? We could package them facing away from the
	consumer to disguise their identities.

DOUG: No. No. Forget what other companies are doing. Let's go back to your
	brainstorming session. Haven't you got ANY good ideas?

(Phil holds up a picture of the original gun Megatron.)

(Sipher slaps Phil.)

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

 - "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #2 -

PIE -- It's what's for dessert.

***************************************************************************
EPISODE TWO: BEAST WARS - GORILLA WARFARE
***************************************************************************


        (Opens with daytime view of waterfalls, pans over the shoreline)

        "GORILLA WARFARE"

        Written by
        Greg Johnson


        Directed by
        James Boshier

        (Camera follows along the shoreline until we close in on a budding
        flower.  We see Optimus foot step down right next to the flower.)

        OPTIMUS: Ah...  Here's a new specimen.  Dinobot, come on!  {You're
                supposed to be assisting!}

PHIL (as Primal): I want to see how you look in it!

        DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Of *course*! (snarl)  Pardon my lack of
                enthusiasm for a bunch of worthless weeds.  You realize that
                we are targets out here -- targets!

SIPHER: Hey, we're cleaner than Wal*Marts.

DOUG: And we have Cryoteks.

[Cryotek was a Target Exclusive toy back in 2001.]

        OPTIMUS: (sigh)  Dinobot, I signed on for this mission as an
                explorer.  Just because we bumped into Predacons is no reason
                to stop learning new things.
        DINOBOT: Well, if we encounter any of Megatron's forces, you may
                learn it is unwise to dally with plants.  {We should be devising
                battle strategies!}

SIPHER: Tell Rattrap about it.

[From "Beast Machines", in which Rattrap develops a romance with the
plant-former Botanica.]

        OPTIMUS: Knowledge of the territory can be an advantage in battle,
                Dinobot.  You're a soldier, you should know that!
        DINOBOT: I somehow doubt this plant will be a turning point. (snarl)
                But very well!  If have it you must, stand aside!  I'll blast
                it out!  Dinobot - MaxiMMPH!
        (Optimus prevents Dinobot from completing the command.)
        OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!

PHIL: (sings) Hold on, Sloopy...

DOUG: That's "Hang on."

[Referring to the song "Hang On, Sloopy" by The McCoys.]

        (Optimus looks at the situation, then grabs hold of the rock.  He
        grunts as he uses his foot to take away the smaller stone, and tosses
        the bigger rock aside.)
        OPTIMUS: You see?  It *is* possible to look for non-violent
                solutions first.
        DINOBOT: Perhaps.  But I think you've lost your battle edge,
                Optimus.  In our fight against Megatron, there is nothing you
                can learn from this worthless weed.

PHIL (as Simon Cowell): Simply dreadful.  You are the worst plant in
America.

[From "American Idol", Simon Cowell dismissed horrid singers with such
snippy remarks.]

        (He hisses at the flower, and turns away.  It rears back and spits
        out a prickly seed of some sort that lands on Dinobot's neck.)
        DINOBOT: (screams)  Get this thing off me!  (tries to reach it,
                but can't) I can't reach it!  GET IT OOOFFFFF!!!!!

SIPHER: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?

[See above.]

        (Optimus tries to get the seeds off Dinobot and a line is recycled
        from earlier in the show.)
        OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!

PHIL: (sings) Hold on  -- wait.

[The line of dialogue was recycled, so we recycled a joke.  And be sure to
recycle your plastic and glass.]

        (Optimus pulls off the seed and looks at it..)

        OPTIMUS: (chuckles) Got you right in the one place where you can't
                reach, didn't it?

DOUG: Unless he, you know, TRANSFORMED.

        (The seed wiggles and suddenly drops from Optimus' hand.  It lands
        on the ground and sprouts into a new flower.)
        OPTIMUS: You see?  That's how it spreads its seed.  We've *learned*
                something.

        DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Yeeeeeeeees.  (snarl)  From now on I shoot my
                dinner salad before I eat it.

SIPHER: Wow.  Must be an extreme vegan.

[Vegans are people who won't eat anything that came from animals.  No meat,
no eggs, no dairy products.]

        OPTIMUS: Hmmm.  We'll need to find another specimen.
        (Optimus turns and sees something)
        OPTIMUS & DINOBOT: *gasp*
        (Pan over to see Scorponok coming over some rocks on the other side
        of the water.  We zoom in fast as Scorponok talks.)
        SCORPONOK: How about an arachnid?

DOUG: How about an Arachnid Punch?

PHIL: Sure!

[Riff on the old Hawaiian Punch TV ads.  Punchy, the mascot, would ask the
hapless tourist guy, "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?"  The hapless
tourist would reply "Sure!" and promptly get socked in the kisser.]

    (Scorponok fires one of his missiles. Optimus and Dinobot dive out
    of the way, and it explodes against the rocks.)

        OPTIMUS: Optimus -- Maximize!
        DINOBOT: Dinobot - Maximize!

        (They both transform, and Scorponok fires four more missiles.  Optimus
        and Dinobot take cover behind some other rocks.  Optimus fires back
        at Scorponok who keep on firing, and he then adds his tail weapon into
        the mix.  Dinobot uses his eye lasers.)

        (We cut back and forth and then see an aerial view of the fight.  Then
        we see that Scorponok's missiles have damaged an overhanging rock which
        shudders right over Dinobot's position.)

        OPTIMUS: Dinobot!

DOUG (as Dinobot): "hungry" TALK FOR YOU!!!

[A line from the fanfic "Dinobot's Old Technology" by MG-Dinobot.  The line
is actually supposed to be "Dinobot (hungrily): SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!" but
MG's first language wasn't English.  His fanfic contains numerous other
amusing phrases, such as "Rhinox is death," and is a favorite among some for
that reason.]

        (We look from the rocks point-of-view:  closing in on Dinobot still
        firing away.  Dinobot turns and looks in horror right before the
        falling rock pins him against the sheltering rock.)

PHIL: Okay, you can't learn anything from the plant.  But you can learn
something from the rock.

        DINOBOT: (roars)

        OPTIMUS: Dinobot!  (heads over to help Dinobot)

        SCORPONOK: I have a special Cyber-Bee just for you, Optimus Primal.
                Enjoy!

DOUG: I hear Jameel cheering right now.

[H. Jameel al Khafiz is a long time TransFan who loved the Cyber-Bee so
much, he changed his online screen name to Mega-Bee... and many humorous
variations.]

        (Scorponok fires the Cyber-Bee, and we follow along as the Bee
        searches out Primal.  He sees it right as it attaches to his
        chest.  Primal is knocked against the rocks, but has the sense
        to then fire on Scorponok with his arm cannon.  His shot reaches
        the Predacon, knocking him on his back on a log on the water.)

        (Scorponok seems okay then gasps as he realizes the impact knocked
        the log free and is heading down the waterfall.)

        SCORPONOK: (screams as he falls down and disappears into the foam)

DOUG: (as Kuzko) Boo-ya-ha-ha-ha-ha....

[From Disney's "The Emperor's New Groove".]

        (Dinobot is able to finally push the rock off of him.  He then
        looks at his leader.)

        DINOBOT: Optimus.....

        (The Bee is glowing red and is affecting Optimus somehow)

        OPTIMUS: (grunts)

        (Cut to Maximal base, nighttime.  Then interior of the Axalon
        bridge, the Maximals are talking about what happened.)

        CHEETOR: You were supposed to be his backup!
        DINOBOT: We were ambushed!  And -- (points at Cheetor) don't tell
                me my duty, furball!  Or you shall soon be occupying several
                recycling bins!

PHIL: You gotta separate your stupid metal from your stupid plastic.

        CHEETOR: {*rowr* Want to try it now, Lizard-lips?}
        RATTRAP: Hey hey hey hey hey hey here!  As much as I'd love to the
                both of you scrap yourselves, eh -- save it for my birthday.
                Right now, we've got bigger concerns.

SIPHER: (as Rattrap) Like the laundry machine.

[Just a running gag because the CR chamber looks like a big laundry
machine.]

        (Cheetor faces the general direction of the CR chamber.  We see it
        and hear rumblings inside.)

        RATTRAP: Rhinox, what's the sitch?

        (Rhinox is running analysis on one of the computers.)

        RHINOX: Looks like a viral mine;

DOUG: Why is everything always viral YOURS?

        RHINOX: {it's fused to his net core.  He can't transform while
                the thing's attached.}

        CHEETOR: Well, then let's get it off!  He took enough energon
                damage just getting back here!

        (Cheetor walks over to Rhinox and places his hand on Rhinox's
        shoulder.)

        RHINOX: Can't be done.  The mine's rerouted all his life-support
                functions to itself.  We yank it -- he lives for less than a
                minute.
        CHEETOR: (softly) Whoa.  That's bad.

SIPHER: Hey, that means only one more minute with Cheetor.

DOUG: Oooo, that's a toss-up.

        (We see a display of Optimus' life signs on the computer screen.
        An animation of the explosion to happen is shown as Rhinox speaks
        his next line.)

        RHINOX: Gets worse.  Right after that, the mine explodes, taking
                out everyone within sprintin' distance.

PHIL: Are we talking Carl Lewis sprinting distance or Comic Book Guy
    sprinting distance?

[Carl Lewis is an Olympic gold medalist for track and field events.  Comic
Book Guy is an overweight character on "The Simpsons".]

        CHEETOR: Man, I - I don't get it.  Why?  For what?
        DINOBOT: (thinking) A viral... *mine*, you say?  I know Scorponok's
                creations.  This one is intended to turn our leader into a
                coward (slams hand on table), one who will lead us to defeat
                (shakes hand in frustration).  Only Scorponok will have the
                anti-virus.
        RHINOX: There's gotta be a way to put the skids on it -- huh?

PHIL: Hey, Skids barely appeared in the old cartoon; you think he'd show
    up now?

[Skids was the most ignored character in the old G1 cartoon.  Well, among
those actually appearing at all, anyway....]

        (Rhinox reacts to loud sounds of metal being hit by something.  We cut
        to the holding cell where we see and hear evidence of the cell being
        fired upon from the inside.  We see parts of the door bulge outward
        with some hits.)

SIPHER: Hey, who put this thing on tumble dry?

        CHEETOR: *gasp*!

        (The door is hit like someone is trying to break it down.)

        RATTRAP: *gasp*!

        (The door falls open and to the ground as Optimus punches it.  He
        steps out of the smoke looking decidedly uncowardly and with a
        fierce grimace on his face.)
        OPTIMUS: All right -- who wants some?

PHIL: ... fabric softener?

[Commercial Break]

        (Optimus faces Cheetor, Rhinox, Dinobot, and Rattrap, who starts
        to come towards him.  Optimus is defensive, and continually shows
        tics and twitches thanks to the viral mine.)

        OPTIMUS: Nobody takes it off, understand?...  {You hear me!?}

DOUG: (as Primal) Nobody goes wild on MY ship!

["Girls Gone Wild", a disturbingly successful video series of basically
college girls flashing cameras while inebriated in public.]

        (Dinobot has come behind Optimus, but he turns and sees the
        Maximal.)

        OPTIMUS: I'll blow your slaggin' heads off!

        (Optimus aims his arm cannon at Dinobot.  Dinobot braces himself
        in preparation for battle.)

        CHEETOR: No, Big-Bot!

        RHINOX: *gasp*

        (Rhinox grabs Primal's arms and holds him back.)

        RHINOX: Hold on there!

SIPHER (as elderly lady): Give us a kiiissss....

        OPTIMUS: (struggling to get free) (grunt) Get off of me!
        DINOBOT: Yes!  Listen to him!
        OPTIMUS: (still struggling a bit) I don't fear you -- I don't fear
                any of you!
        RHINOX: I thought that thing was supposed to turn him into a
                coward!

PHIL: Yeah, uh, that'll be in the first Service Pack.

[Service Pack refers to patches software companies release to fix bugs.]

        DINOBOT: {No doubt that was its intention!  But, Scorponok is
                notoriously incompetent.}  (bends over to study Optimus)
                I'd say instead that we have... a berserker.  *Interesting*....

        CHEETOR: Optimus can beat it!

DOUG: (as Michael Jackson falsetto) Hee-hee!

SIPHER: Eeegh.

PHIL: No, that's not scary at all.

[Michael Jackson had a big hit with "Beat It" back in 1983.]

        OPTIMUS: (weak, trying to stay in control) ... it's too much...
                I can't... fight it!  Disarm my weapons!  Lock me up!
        CHEETOR: *gasp*  (shakes his head in defeat)

        (Interior of the Darkside; Scorponok is at the console doing...
        something.  We see Megatron's dinosaur head appear to the left of
        Scorponok who gasps in fright when he notices it.)

        SCORPONOK: *gasp*

        MEGATRON: Ah, Scorponok!  Yess, I have been waiting for your
                report!
        SCORPONOK: (dumb-villan voice) I, I stuck it to 'im, Megatron.
                And goood!

PHIL: Ah, yes, this is during one of Tarantulas' brain-swapping
experiments.

SIPHER: Who'd he switch Scorponok's brain with?

DOUG: Anna Nicole Smith.

[Anna Nicole Smith is a former Playmate and model who now has a reality
show on the E! Entertainment Network.  And she's dumber than a sack of
rocks.]

        MEGATRON: {Hmm, excellent!  And the anti-virus...?}
        SCORPONOK: {Just one, like you said.  Right behind you.}

        (Megatron turns and looks at the container.)

        MEGATRON: Ah... (chuckles)  By now, Optimus Primal has most
                assuredly exchanged his ... courage for a nice cowardly
                yellow stripe.

DOUG: Which will be available solely from TRU Japan.

[Toys R Us in Japan is known for having exclusive repaints of existing
Transformers toys.]

        MEGATRON: So when he leads his misguided mechanoids on a futile raid
            for this anti-virus, it will be their final battle --

ALL: DON'T --

        MEGATRON: -- in the Beast Wars!

ALL: Argh!

        (Axalon, the brig.  Optimus is struggling to contain his berserker
        feelings.  Cheetor arrives outside and looks in.)
        OPTIMUS: What do *you* want?

SIPHER: Who wants Trident?

PHIL & DOUG: I do, I do!

[Old Trident brand chewing gum jingle/advertising slogan.]

        (Optimus realizes his outburst.)
        OPTIMUS: ... Cheetor, Cheetor... sorry.  It's hard to *control*!
        CHEETOR: (over intercom) Is there any of the old Optimus left?

PHIL: Yeah.  He's sitting in a chair somewhere in a volcano.

[As seen in the Beast Wars episodes "The Agenda" and "Optimal Situation".]

        {OPTIMUS: Yes.  Some.}
        CHEETOR: Don't let it go, Big-Bot.  Don't let this.. *thing* tweak
                you out of control.
        OPTIMUS: (struggling) I.. don't.. know.. if I can beat it!

DOUG: (again with the falsetto) Woo!  Just beat i--

SIPHER & PHIL: NO.

[Another Michael Jackson reference.]

        OPTIMUS: But I think I can... adapt to it.  Maybe hold this
                aggression down!  Even use it... to our.. advantage!
        CHEETOR: Really?  I knew it!  You hang too tough to be dropped
                by any techno-flu!  Let's do it!

        (Axalon bridge.)

        RHINOX: What do you mean, "use it to our advantage"?
        DINOBOT: Optimus is a war-machine.

DOUG: So, he's a knock-off of Iron Man?

[War Machine was introduced in Marvel Comics as a character with a suit of
armor very similar to Iron Man.]

        DINOBOT: {I say we point him in the right
                direction, give him full armament, and then unleash him upon
                the Predacons!}  If we want the anti-virus, that is the only
                way to get it!
        RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey!  Yeah, normally, I would love to see
                the Preds get their little scheme tossed right back at 'em,
                but you're forgetting just one little thing.
        DINOBOT: Oh?  And that would be...?

SIPHER: You left the iron on when you left Cybertron.

        RHINOX: {Optimus would get blown to scrap.  *Big* problem.}
        DINOBOT: Well, (snarl) that depends on your viewpoint.
        RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey shut up!
        OPTIMUS: Actually, *ahem*, that's not a bad idea.

SIPHER (as Primal): So SHUT UP!

        RHINOX: Cheetor, what have you done?
        CHEETOR: It's gonna be okay!  Optimus has got it under his thumb!
                Tell 'em, Big-Bot.
        OPTIMUS: I... I think I can do this.  By channeling this new
                fighting instinct, we can storm their base!  And... with your
                help, obtain the anti-virus.
        CHEETOR: Yeah!  Piece of BASIC programming!  We blast our way into
                Scorponok's lab for the anti-virus.  All we want is to get
                Big-Bot here back to normal.
        RATTRAP: Yeah?  And, uh, what if he goes ape-slag on us?

PHIL: We keep some moist towelettes handy.

        DINOBOT: {Hmmm.  Fine by me.}
        OPTIMUS: Hey, they made me what I am today.  I figure it's time
                to say "Thank you"!  *Now*!  Yeah!

        (Fires a few shots and triggers the interior alarms.)

SIPHER: Oh no!  He broke a lightbulb!  Red alert!

ALL: WOO WOO WOO WOO!

        OPTIMUS: {Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Stupid slaggin' circuit systems!}
        SHUT UP!

PHIL: Sorry, we'll stop!

SIPHER: WOO WOO WOO WOO!

DOUG: Shut up, you!

[The Armada Red Alert toy featured a sound chip that said "Red Alert.
WOO WOO WOO WOO!"  At BotCon 2002, the #wiigii! group decided to make this
their chant for the entire weekend.  Glen Hallit, one of the organizers,
soon grew to hate/love that.]

        (Optimus fires continually, destroying alarms, lights, consoles,
        etc.)

        OPTIMUS: *GRAAAAAAHHHHH!*
        RHINOX: ...stop him before he hurts himself!
        RATTRAP: Him?  Try *us*!

DOUG: We're preferred by four out of five dentists!

[Another Trident gum reference.]

        CHEETOR: Keep his arm down!

SIPHER: (as Chris Rock) Yeah, always keeping the ARM down.....

[Chris Rock is an African-American comedian known for his biting yet very
insightful humor on black/white relations.]

        RHINOX: Watch that laser!

PHIL: Aghh!  Now I'm blind!

        OPTIMUS: Arrrrrrrrr!  Huh.. huh... you.. you don't understand.
                It's like Dinobot says;

SIPHER: "A penny saved is a penny earned."

DOUG: "A stich in time saves nine."

PHIL: "I love you, Cheetor."

        OPTIMUS: {We're going to hit the Preds the only way they
        understand: hard!  Fast!  And right where it hurts!}

        RATTRAP: *gasp*
        OPTIMUS: But if your caution circuit are overriding your courage,
                then smelt you all!

SIPHER: Well, mackerel to you, too!

DOUG: Go trout yourself!

["Smelt" is a type of fish.]

        OPTIMUS: {I don't need you!  I'll handle this myself!}
        RATTRAP: *gasp*

        (Optimus leaves the base.)

        CHEETOR: OPTIMUS!

PHIL: (as Cheetor) You forgot your lunch!

        CHEETOR: Big-Bot!  No....

[Commercial Break.]

        DINOBOT: This is not the way, Cheetor!
        CHEETOR: We gotta back him up!

DOUG (as Cheetor): On vocals!

[A generic singing reference.]

        DINOBOT: It is a doomed mission!  There's no strategy, just blind
                aggression.
        CHEETOR: Maybe that's what we've been needing.  A little less
                brain and a little more guts!
        DINOBOT: We must try to think what Optimus -- the *old* Optimus --
                would do.

PHIL: Call Spike "Splick"?

DOUG: Have a race?

SIPHER: Kill himself over a video game?

[The first two lines refer to the G1 episode "A Prime Problem".  The final
one refers to the original Marvel comic issue #24.]

        {CHEETOR: And that would be...?}

        DINOBOT: ... negotiate.

ALL: Ohhhh....

        (Darkside bridge.)
        TERRORSAUR: Got a Maximal tight beam transmission coming in.  It's
                a little garbled by the Energon fields, but --
        MEGATRON: Bring it up, yess.

SIPHER (as Megatron): Word out to my homies, G.  Yessss....

[A hip-hop joke.]

        (Cheetor appears/his voice is heard over the transmission.)
        CHEETOR: Predacon base, come in!
        MEGATRON: Hmmm, Pussy-cat!  Yesssssssss!  State your business.

DOUG (as Cheetor): This is my command. You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix
                of Leadership.

[In "Transformers: The Movie", when Megatron told Unicron, "State your
business!", the planet-eater responded with the line above.]

        CHEETOR: {Listen up, you miswired metalheads.  You botched up your
                little attitude adjustment on Optimus.}  He's flamin' toward
                you on the red-eye express, and he's loaded for mainframe
                combat!

DOUG: So, who's Mainframe fighting?

PHIL: The company that did "Dinozaurs".

[Mainframe was the company that animated "Beast Wars" and "Beast Machines".
"Dinozaurs", both the CG series and the transforming dinosaur toys, were an
obvious attempt by Bandai to cash in on the surprisingly resurgent
Transformers popularity that "Beast Wars" had spawned.]

        CHEETOR: {So what do you say you fork over that anti-virus
                before you get vaped?}

        MEGATRON: Any renegade Maximal who blunders into our base will *not
                survive*.  Megatron out.
        (Megatron turns to Scorponok.)
        MEGATRON: Incompetent bug.
        SCORPONOK: *gasp*

DOUG: (as Scorponok) Actually, I'm an arachn - ow.

        (Megatron hits Scorponok.)

        (Outside.)

        CHEETOR: Beast mode.
        (Cheetor transforms and heads to the others.)
        RATTRAP: Eh, well?

PHIL: A deep hole with wat --- eh....

[Another old joke.]

        CHEETOR: {It didn't work!  All we did was tip 'em off}, and now
                they're gonna be waiting for him.  (turns to Dinobot)  You and
                your bright ideas!
        DINOBOT: It would appear that only Optimus can truly think like
                Optimus.

SIPHER: To think like the Optimus. To live like the Optimus. Why are these
things not in the Plan?

[A line from the astoundingly bad movie "Robot Monster", where the ape-suited
destroyer of (almost) all of humanity wonders why they must be so different
from humans emotionally.]

        DINOBOT: {For the rest of us, we must now... think on our own.}

        (Darkside bridge.)

        MEGATRON: Report.
        BLACHARACHNIA: Three direct hits.  Outer hull has been breached.

DOUG: And our cargo door is unprotected, and he's bearing down on it!

[A line from the MST3K episode "Riding With Death", in which trucking is a
target for some very suggestive lines. The lift here is "My rigid grill
structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door!"  This in turn
inspired another one of MG-Dinobot's famous fanfic lines for Dinobot:
"My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo
door!"]

        MEGATRON: {Tarantulas -- destroy the intruder!}

        (Optimus starts walking through the interior of the Darkside,
        growling all the time.)

        (Tarantulas slides down a web in beast mode behind Optimus)

PHIL: So is he going to kiss Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain?

DOUG: Ew.

[Referring to the 2002 "Spider-Man" movie.]

        TARANTULAS: *quietly cackles*

        (Optimus stops, turns.)

        TARANTULAS: *cackles again*

PHIL: You'd think he'd want to keep quiet.

        (Tarantulas fires his gun, but Optimus catches the projectile.
        He then waves his finger and shakes his head in a "Naughty
        naughty" movement.)

SIPHER: Silly spider, missiles are for Preds!

[Referring to the Trix Rabbit.  In the cereal commercials, the Rabbit
would always try to steal the kids' Trix cereal, and when he was
thwarted, at least one kid would say, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

        (Optimus starts walking towards Tarantulas who fires all his
        leg guns.  Optimus gets hit multiple times, and although we
        see him getting damaged, he keeps on advancing.)

        (Optimus gets right next to Tarantulas who cowers.)

        OPTIMUS: Rrrrrrrrr!

        (Optimus grabs Tarantulas and holds him up against the wall.
        After seeing his legs off the floor, we see Optimus hold up
        the pointy end of the projectile.  We see a close up of
        Tarantulas, who knows what's coming.)

DOUG: (meekly, ala Daffy Duck) mother

[In several Warner Bros. cartoon shorts, Daffy Duck would meet impending
doom with a meek "mother".]

        (He then impales Tarantulas on his own weapon.)

        TARANTULAS: *strained gasp*

SIPHER: Dude, who let one?

        (Optimus leaves Tarantulas on the wall.)

PHIL: Oh, I do like the new art.  Picasso from his Blue period, I think.

[Picasso being the famous painter.  We don't know for sure if he
had a Blue period, but it sounded good.]

        (Darkside bridge.)

        BLACKARACHNIA: He's inside.  And the other Maximals are coming.
        MEGATRON: Take Terrorsaur and defend the perimeter.  Waspinator --
        Stop Optimus now!
        WASPINATOR: Oooooo!  Waspinator get him!

ALL: Yay, Waspy!  Woo!  Go!  (etc)

        (Waspy turns the corner, and as he heads down the corridor, we
        hear Optimus' screams echoing in the distance.)

        WASPINATOR: *confused, frightened sound*

ALL: (ad-lib lines from "Aliens")

["Alien", "Aliens", etc. were a series of movies featuring, well, aliens.
Rather nasty things, too.  In at least one of them, the main characters
are in corridors chasing/being chased by the creatures, and they hear it
coming.]

        (Waspy hugs the wall, listening as footsteps come closer.  From
        his viewpoint, we see nothing, but the room starts to shake.
        Waspy gets his gun at the ready.)

        (Optimus crashes through the wall and pulls Waspy backward.)

PHIL: (as Kool-Aid Man) OH, YEAH!

[The old Kool-Aid commercials featured Kool-Aid Man crashing through walls
while shouting out "OH YEAH!"]

        (Optimus throws Waspy against a different wall and starts toward
        the body.  Waspy covers his face.)

SIPHER: (as Arthur) Not in the face, not in the face!

DOUG: (as Tick) Needs work, Chum!

[From "The Tick" cartoon episode, "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account".
The pair are working on their battle cries. Tick uses his famous
"SPOOOOOON!" for the first time, while Arthur comes up with his own.]

        (Optimus fires and we hear Waspy yelp [or something] in pain.
        Extreme zoom/close-up on Optimus, who starts glitching again,
        looks right and then left and heads down another corridor.)

        (Outside, the Maximals make their way towards the base, Rhinox's
        Chaingun of DOOM(TM) is spinning.)

SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!

        (Terrorsaur and Blackarachnia start firing on the Maximals,)

PHIL: LESS FILLING!

        (Cut back to the Maximals who return fire.)

SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!

        (Back to the Preds.)

PHIL & DOUG: LESS FILLING!

[The old Miller Lite beer commercials which featured two people or
groups arguing as to which quality of Lite was better.]

        (Both sides take cover behind rocks and the battle continues.)

        (Darkside corridor.  Optimus is walking but stops when he
        remebers Cheetor's words.)

        CHEETOR: (as memory voice-over)  Is there any of the old
                Optimus left?  Don't let it go, Big-Bot.  Don't let this...
                *thing* tweak you out of control.

DOUG: (as Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Luke.

["Star Wars", natch.]

        (Optimus looks around, looking for the source of the voice.)

        OPTIMUS: Cheetor... Cheetor....

        (Outside.)
        RHINOX: Cheetor -- NOW.

PHIL: So, if you say his name three times, does Cheetor go away?

[From the film "Beetlejuice".  If you said "Betelgeuse" three times,
the title character would either appear or disappear.]

        (Rhinox lays down cover fire against the rock the Preds are
        hiding behind.)

        CHEETOR: Beast mode!

        (Cheetor transforms and runs past the Preds into the base.)

        (Darkside interior.  Optimus has made his way into the
        research area.  He scans the room, looking for the anti-virus.
        He finds where it should be -- but it's gone.)

DOUG: (as Tankor) Where bug and dino go?

[From the "Beast Machines" episode "Fires of the Past".  Tankor's line
was "Where.. bug and... mouse GO?", very strained and painful.]

        OPTIMUS: *grunts*

        (Optimus is glitching more and more, and he falls to the ground,
        grasping his head and then clutching his chest in pain.)

SIPHER: (as Primal) No more... burritos....

        (Opposite side of the room, we hear Megatron and see a faint
        green glow.  He's got the anti-virus.)

        MEGATRON: Looking for this, perhaps?

        (Optimus gasps.  Close up on Megatron with the green glow on
        his face.)

PHIL: In the year two thooouuu-saaand!

[From the skit on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".  Conan and Andy (or
a special guest) sit in the dark with flashlights shining on their
faces.  La Bamba, the trombone player in the show's band, sings in a
falsetto the line Phil sang above.]

        MEGATRON: {Gorilla warfare suits you.  The old Optimus would
        have never made it this far.}

        OPTIMUS: What... is it you want?
        MEGATRON: Your allegiance in exchange for this anti-virus, yes....
        OPTIMUS: And... if I refuse?

PHIL: (as Megatron) Then you do not get to Do the Dew, no.

[Simply a set-up for a joke later.]

        MEGATRON: {You cannot refuse.  No, not if you want to survive.}
                Join me or perish!
        OPTIMUS: (Grunts several times, weakly to start, gets more
        berserk.) Huh... Oh, YES!  Then why not end this here and now,
                Megatron!
        (Optimus rips off the virus mine.)
        MEGATRON: Ah, you fool!  You'll destroy us all!

SIPHER: (singing) Armegeddon it!

[Def Leppard's "Armageddon"]

        OPTIMUS: Just a little trick I learned from a flower, Megatron!

PHIL: Throwing fireballs?

DOUG: (sings the Super Mario Bros theme)

[From the first "Super Mario Bros." game.]

        (Optimus throws the mine so it lands on the back of Megatron's
        neck.  Megatron panics, tosses up the anti-virus syringe, and
        starts running out of the room.)

        MEGATRON: (Suddenly deeper voice)  SCOR-PON-NOOOOKKKKKKKKK.......

        (Cheetor enters, transforms, grabs the syringe.)

        OPTIMUS: Spark... huh... fading.....

DOUG: (as Optimus) I see... pudding.....

[A throwback to the MSTF in 2001.  In "Dark Awakening", Optimus Prime said
"Darkness. Cold. Then, light."  Doug responded with, "Then... pudding. I
don't know why."  There's no real reference here, but Doug liked that line
so much, Phil included it again in this year's performance.

        CHEETOR: {Hang on, Big-Bot.  Got the anti-virus right here.}

        (Cheetor jams the syringe into Optimus' chest.  The anti-virus
        takes effect, curing Optimus of his berserker rage.)

SIPHER: I hope your Mountain Dew was tasty tonight... STEVE.

[From David Willis' hilarious parody "Run Student Run".  Download it at
http://www.itswalky.com/david/men.html and see for yourself.  An in-joke
that only a dozen or two people would get, but we didn't care.]

        CHEETOR: Yes!  We're online!  Let's bail before that thing blows!
        (Megatron runs into the room with Scorponok.)
        MEGATRON: Get this thing off of me!  Now!
        (Cheetor and Optimus exit the Pred's base amidst firefight.)
        CHEETOR: Time to fade, heroes!
        (They do so.)
        (Scorponok has succeeded in taking the mine off Megatron, but it
        hits critical and glows white.  They turn to look at the camera
        right before it explodes.  We see several viewpoints of the
        explosion.)

PHIL: ... kind of... weak explosion, there.

SIPHER: Yeah.

DOUG: Take out everyone within sprinting distance, will it?

SIPHER: If "take out" means "cause you to have gunpowder on your face."

        (Scene changes to Optimus' quarters on the Axalon.  Dinobot is
        keeping watch while Optimus rests.  Optimus wakes up.)
        OPTIMUS: Bedside vigil, Dinobot?  Not like you.
        DINOBOT: It was.. my shift.... Well, ah, *ahem* it's, uh, good
        to... have you back.

DOUG: (as Dinobot) I'm sick of doing laundry for you.

        OPTIMUS: {Back home?... or back to normal?}
        DINOBOT: (turns)... both.  (smiles and leaves)
        (Optimus notices that someone brought him a plant, the same kind
        he was looking at during the opening scene.  Presumably, Dinobot
        is the one who gave him it.)
        OPTIMUS: (chuckles)  ("Closes" eyes again.)

SIPHER: (as Primal) ...GET IT OFF! GET IT OOOOOFFF!

-- FADE OUT --

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

 - LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -

***************************************************************************
SKIT THREE: INFLICTING THE SAME PAIN IN NEW WAYS
***************************************************************************

PHIL: Y'know, it's a shame that we showed "The Touch" video last time
we were all together.

DOUG: You mean last night after the dinner?

PHIL: ... no, I mean last time we were all here doing this MSTF thing.
I mean, "The Touch" video would fit in so well with what we're doing.

SIPHER: Last time I checked, we weren't trying to scare young children.
Old children and adults, yes.

DOUG: I think Phil means the whole music thing.

PHIL: Well, yeah, there's that, but I'm also thinking that it's always
nice to remember our roots, with "Transformers: The --"

SIPHER:  SHHHHHH!

PHIL: -- what?

DOUG: You can't say that!

PHIL: Say what?  "Transformers: The --"

DOUG: Geez!  Keep quiet; do you want to get us in trouble?

SIPHER: You can't say the name of the animated movie.

PHIL: What is this --  Shakespeare and the Scottish play?

DOUG: Remember the OTFCC ad?  Vince DiCola is here since he was the
"animated movie composer".

PHIL:  Oh, right.  Got it.  As I was saying -- it's always nice to remember
our roots with (rolls eyes) "the animated movie".

SIPHER: I don't know about you, but I don't want to remember anything
about the movie.

DOUG: What about your roots?

SIPHER: No, I just dyed my hair last week.

(Pause for the groans... or silence, whatever.)

PHIL: Right.  Anyway, come on, I'm sure you can recall lots of things
about the movie.

SIPHER: Too many.

DOUG: You know, you're probably right.

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: So why don't you recite the movie?

PHIL: What's that?

VOICE: Recite the entire movie!

SIPHER: (horrified look) You must be joking.  They tried that last year,
and it was disasterous.

DOUG: Besides, that's not much of a challenge for us professionals.

PHIL: We're professionals?

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE 2: So recite lines in alphabetical order!

(Pause)

DOUG: Now I'm sure you're joking.

PHIL: Alphabetical order?

SIPHER: You must be mad, sir/madam/thing.

DOUG: Could it be done?

SIPHER: Only one way to find out.

PHIL: Call Ron Friedman?

SIPHER: No, we'll do it.

PHIL: I object.

SIPHER: It's my damn show, and I'll say you do it.

PHIL: Oh, fine.

DOUG: So, what do we have to do?

SIPHER: Well, it's obvious.  We have to recite the movie, where each
sentence starts with a consecutive letter of the alphabet.

DOUG: Do we have to act out the scenes?

SIPHER: (a bit bored) Why not.

PHIL: ...ssssay, this sounds a lot like "Who's Line Is --"

SIPHER: (panicked) Doug, will you shut him up?

DOUG: Phil, quiet or I'll be forced to shoot you again.

PHIL: I'll be good. (pause) Um, if we're going to do this, what letter
do we start with?

DOUG: "A", naturally.

PHIL: I call dibs on "A"!

SIPHER: (really bored) Fine, whatever, it's not like this is improv.

PHIL: (Kranix) "Arblus, look! It's Unicron!"

SIPHER: (Arblus) "Bugger!"

PHIL: (Kranix) "Could getting to the ships help us?"

SIPHER: (Arblus) "Darn it, no."


DOUG: (Ironhide) "Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits
   sizzle."

PHIL: (Optimus) "Forget that. Go to Autobot City."

DOUG: (Ironhide) "Great!"


PHIL: (Shockwave) "Here comes Laserbeak, Megatron."

SIPHER: (Megatron) "I'll kill all of the Autobots over there on the
shuttle!"

DOUG: (Brawn) "Just a flesh wound!" *grabs shoulder, dies*

SIPHER: (Megatron) "Kill kill kill kill" *shooting motions


DOUG: (Daniel) "Let's go watch the shuttle land, Hot Rod!"

SIPHER: (Hot Rod) "Mountains are good for watching shuttles land."

PHIL: (Random Decepticon) "Nyeah nyeah nyeah!"

DOUG: (Daniel) "Oh no! There's a hole in the shuttle!"

SIPHER: (Hot Rod) "Poop!"


PHIL: "Quick! We're running out of letters!"

DOUG: "Right! What should we do?"

PHIL: "Skip to the end!"


DOUG: (Rodimus) "Take this, Galvatron!" *throw-gesture*

SIPHER: (Kup) "U had potential, I knew." *greeted by looks of disgust*

DOUG: (Rodimus) "Vehicle modes! Roll out!"

PHIL: (Random "Driving" Autobot) "Wheeeeeeeee!"

DOUG: (Rodimus) "X-it through Unicron's eye!"

SIPHER: (Other Random "Driving" Autobot) "Yes! Destroy his other eye solely
   out of spite!"

DOUG: (Rodimus) "Zounds! The Civil War is over!"

(All three participants bow to wild applause from a handful, shocked looks
from the rest of the audience, most likely.)

PHIL: Well, that was fun.

SIPHER: If you say so.

DOUG: Y'know, we should try it again with a different letter, like, say, oh,
"L".  Siph, you start.

(Sipher gets ready to start, but before he does:)

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

SIPHER: Thank God.

PHIL: No, that was "T".....

[In the actual performance, the crew didn't have voices in the audience.  So
Phil adlibbed those lines himself.  Unfortunately, that also meant he had to
object to his own idea and make the reference to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
which was a bit awkward.

Also, at the end, the exchange went like this:

    (Sipher gets ready to start, but before he does:)

    SIPHER: LIGHTS!!

    PHIL: Thank God.

    DOUG: No, that was "T".....

    (Sipher then tripped on his way to shut off the lights.)

    SIPHER: Oh, sh*t!

    DOUG: No, that's an "O" and an "S".

Humor.  Ha.]

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

 - "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #3 -

Me Grimlock say: "HOOKED ON PHONICS work for Me Grimlock!"

***************************************************************************
EPISODE THREE: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE - THE DECEPTICONS
***************************************************************************

        (Opens with flashback of the Pyramids)

        "THE DECEPTICONS"

        Written by
        Greg Johnson

        Directed by
        James Boshier


        KOJI: (voiceover) Throughout history, almost every civilization
        that kept written records reported sightings of strange objects
        and lights in the sky.

SIPHER: (as Koji) They also kept records of all the weird mushrooms they
found and ate.

        KOJI: {Today, they're generally referred to as
        "Unidentified Flying Objects" or "UFOs".  In the past 60 years
        there have been thousands of UFO sightings all over the world.}
        My dad is one of the scientists that would investigate them,
        Optimus.

        OPTIMUS: It's a fascinating subject.  I find it strange that
        many people on Earth still refuse to believe they exist.

PHIL: Explain the "Weekly World News", then.

[One of those check-out line rags full of UFO stories and mermaids and such.]

        (T-AI's little hovering projector approaches and she pops out of
        it.)

SIPHER: Dutta-da-dat-dat-da!  I!  Am!  Your sing-ing te-le-gram!

[From the movie "Clue".]

        OPTIMUS: {How's it coming, T-AI?

        T-AI: It's done, sir.}  I unlocked the cybernetic seal on Dr.
        Onishi's microchip, decoded the encrypted information, and
        downloaded it.

DOUG: (as Austin Powers) Ooo, behave, baby.

[From the "Austin Powers" movies.]

        OPTIMUS: Well done.  Now, let's take a look and see what we have.

        T-AI: The indicated location is grid coordinates L3-Delta5-point
        2.

SIPHER: Doubleplus ungood.

[Double reference here.  In the G1 episode "Kremzeek!", the little
electrical gremlin caused Teletraan-1 to go haywire and start spouting
gibberish, including the line "Doubleplus ungood".  This, in turn, was a
reference to George Orwell's novel "1984".]

        T-AI: {It must have been important to Dr. Onishi, but I don't know
        why.}  This graphic is all I could find.

        (T-AI displays a map graphic and an image of what is clearly the
        Devil's Tower monolith.)

ALL: (like in UHF) THIS MEANS SOMETHING.  THIS IS IMPORTANT

[From the movie "UHF" which is in itself spoofing a scene from "Close
Encounters of the Third Kind".]

        OPTIMUS: {Hmm.  Perhaps the site of one of his archaeological
        expeditions.}

        KOJI: Hey, wait a minute!  That's Castle Peak!  My dad once
        showed me that photograph.  Sixty years ago, there were
        eyewitness accounts of a UFO landing there.

        OPTIMUS: Which no one took seriously except your father.

SIPHER: (as Optimus) And presumably the eyewitnesses.

        OPTIMUS: {We'd better look into it.  T-AI, contact the Autobot
        Brothers.}

        T-AI: They're on their way here right now -- but to speed things
        up, I'll tell them to bypass headquarters and take the
        Space Bridge directly to the coordinates.

        OPTIMUS: I'll join them on their way there.  And one more thing:

DOUG: (as Optimus) I'm pregnant.

        T-AI: {Huh?}

        OPTIMUS: As of now, we're on alert status.  If that location was
        important enough to encode on a microchip, then whatever we find
        there could be dangerous.

        (Sigil Transition)

PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....

[The little ditty that would play during Generation 1 episodes at a
scene change.  One sigil logo would pull back, flip over, and a new
sigil logo would move forward.]

        (The Autobot Brothers are on the Space Bridge.)

DOUG: The Earth's core has stopped rotating.  Man's only chance of
    survival is to tunnel to the center and kick-start--

SIPHER: Shut up.

[From the trailer to the 2003 movie "The Core".]

        X-BRAWN: {C'mon, slowpokes; what're you waiting for?

        PROWL: Right behind you, big brother!

        SIDEBURN: Comin' through!}

        OPTIMUS: Listen up!  Time may be a critical factor on this
        misson, so, pedals to the metal, gentlemen!

        PROWL: What's the rush?  I thought this story about the UFO
        was just an old legend?

        X-BRAWN: Maybe, but Dr. Onishi isn't the type to believe in
        fairy tales.

DOUG: He's a sucker for Nigerian Bank scams, though.

[One of the many scams that arrives as SPAM in your E-mail account.]

        SIDEBURN: {If there is a spacehsip on that mountain, where do you
        think it came from?}

        OPTIMUS: We'll find out soon enough!  Let's move out!

        (Sigil Transition)

PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....

SIPHER: Must you?

        (An isolated mountain wilderness area, with Kelly hiking through it)

        KELLY: Wow, the view is just incredible up here!  And smell
        that air!

SIPHER: Mmmm.... eagle poop.

        KELLY: {It's so nice getting away from the grime and smog of
        the city} -- I can breathe again!

        (Space Bridge opens and Autobots drive out, past Kelly, kicking
        up a huge cloud of exhaust & dust.)

        KELLY: *cough cough* Hey, I'm communing here, go find your own
        mountain!

        AUTOBOT BROTHERS:  TRANSFORM!

DOUG: Aw, man, this is from the opening credits.  Do we have to sit through
the entire episode again?

[The opening credits for "Robots in Disguise" ended with the Autobot
Brothers transformation sequence as seen here.]

        OPTIMUS: All right, this is the location marked on the microchip.
        Let's spread out and -- what's that noise?

        (Pan down to see a cloud of dust being kicked up).

        SLAPPER: (within a surging cloud of dust) Oh, my achin' back!

PHIL: (as Slapper) Now YOU carry me, Sky-Byte!

        X-BRAWN: Looks like somebody's digging down there.

        PROWL: Maybe they're archaeologists?  It could be that Dr.
        Onishi wasn't the only one who thought this place was worth
        investigating.

        SIDEBURN: Well, if they're scientists, maybe they can help us
        out.  (He approaches Slapper.  As Slapper digs, all we see of
        him above the dust cloud are his shoulders working.... it
        looks like a frog rhythmically humping up and down.)

SIPHER: If this toad starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!

        SIDEBURN: Um, excuse me, my friends and I are investigating
        reports of a UFO landing around here and wondered if you
        knew anything about it.

        SLAPPER: That depends on who wants to know.  Hey -- come to
        think of it, your voice sounds kinda familar.  Have we ever
        met before?

        (The dust slowly clears.)

        ALL: HUH?!  (screams & confusion)

DOUG: You know, you'd think Sideburn would have realized that the digger
was the same height as him, making him another robot....

        SKY-BYTE: (digging in a cave, he overhears)  That incompetent
        fool must have got his tongue caught in the drill again!  Hey,
        get back to work!  (stabs his claw into the cave roof, which
        collapses).  Eh? I think this is going to hurt.... aaargh!

        (The ground caves in and Kelly falls into a sinkhole)

        KELLY: Just my luck -- another vacation down the drain!
        Aaaaaaa!

DOUG: Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaain!

[From Pokemon, in which the not-very-good-at-being-villiany Team Rocket
invariably are sent flying or falling upon defeat, always while shouting
that line.  Kelly's equally cliche pun inspired the usage of that line.]

        (The cave-in reveals a fallen spaceship.)

        SLAPPER: Just look at the size of that thing.

PHIL: Cut the chatter, Red Two.

[Another "Star Wars" reference.]

        SLAPPER: {It's gigantic!

        SIDEBURN: Looks like Dr. Onishi was right after all.}

        OPTIMUS: Yes, Sideburn, but what the doctor didn't know was that
        the spacecraft that crashed here is from Cybertron.

        SKY-BYTE: (eavesdropping) What?  A Cybertronian vessel?
        Interesting!

        PROWL: Six Autobots were sent to Earth sixty years ago and
        disappeared.

SIPHER: Six times.

        PROWL: {Maybe this is why they couldn't make contact -- }
        this could be their ship!

DOUG: One of six!

        OPTIMUS: Let's find out. (He uses x-ray vision to view inside of
        ship, and we see stasis pods.)

        OPTIMUS: There are Transformers in that ship!

SIPHER: Well, DUH.

/OR/

SIPHER: Six of them!

        OPTIMUS: {And it looks like their pods are still intact.}

        PROWL: They've been suspended in there for quite a while,
        Optimus; you think they're okay?

        OPTIMUS: Yes, as far as I can tell none of their seals have been
        broken.

PHIL: They'll still have that fresh coffee flavor.

        OPTIMUS: {They're still in proto-entity form, like we were before
        we chose vehicles to scan.}  But as soon as we get them back to
        headquarters we'll give them a lineup to choose from.

        (The Preds suddenly rush in.)

        SLAPPER: Guess again Auto-clowns -- you're not taking them
        anywhere!

PHIL: But I paid good money for these Winger tickets!

[Winger was a hair band from the 1980's.  Which is to say that many people
think their music stinks.]

        DARKSCREAM: {We're the ones that found that spaceship, so
        whatever's in it belongs to us!}

        GAS-SKUNK: That's right!  Whoever finds a derelictable vessel

DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm. Derelicticious.

[Homer Simpson, of course, famous for (among other things) drooling while
thinking of anything remotely foody.]

        GAS-SKUNK: {has the right to salvage its contents.  You can look
        it up.}

        OPTIMUS: We would never let you take them... even if you were right!

SIPHER: Because laws suck!  Anarchy!  AN-AR-CHY!

        SKY-BYTE: {We are right!

        OPTIMUS: The salvage law applies only when a vessel has been
        abandoned by its crew.}  We're taking our fellow Autobots back
        with us.

        SKY-BYTE: I don't think so, Prime.  We're taking that spacecraft,
        pod-people and all!

SIPHER: Pod People?  They've got MST episodes on board?

[Well, DUH.]

/OR/

SIPHER: "Trumpy you can do stupid things!"

["Pod People" is a bizarre E.T. knockoff that became an MST episode.  The
trunk-nosed alien in it is named "Trumpy" by a young boy.]

        MEGATRON (unseen at first):  No, Sky-Byte.  I'm feeling especially
        generous today.  (flies into view in jet mode, transforms into
        robot mode).  Optimus, you Autobots may do as you wish with the
        spacecraft.  It's yours for the taking. (transforms)  But the
        Autobot crew-members aren't part of the deal.  They're mine now!

        X-BRAWN: Forget it, Megatron.  Those are *our* guys in there!

DOUG: There they are, our little guys...

[From the "Beast Wars" episiode "Cutting Edge".]

        MEGATRON: Not for long!  (laughs; transforms into hand mode and
        punches into spaceship; emerges holding the six pods.)

PHIL: (as Megatron) I rolled a six!  Prowl, take six damage!  Ha ha!

[A generic role-playing game reference.]

        SIDEBURN: The pods!

        MEGATRON: Don't worry, Autobots.  Be assured you'll be seeing your
        friends again very soon -- at the other end of a laser beam!
        (laugh; flies away)

DOUG: (as Megatron) Because you'll be shooting them! Hahahaha - wait.

        OPTIMUS: He'll have to land eventually, and when he does we'll be
        there.  Move out!

        SKY-BYTE: You're not going anywhere!  Shark Spike!

        SLAPPER: Tongue Lash Attack!.

        GAS-SKUNK: Tail Blade Slash!

        DARKSCREAM: Dark Sword Strike!

SIPHER: Loogie Hock!

DOUG: Noogie Head Rub!

PHIL: Uh, Doogie, er, Howser, um... I got nuttin'.

[Sipher commented that this was one of his favorite jokes in this episode.]

        OPTIMUS: {We've got to get past them to follow Megatron.  Flying
        Fist!} (It punches through the Predacons.  Then Prime's shoulder
        rocket clusters appear out of nowhere).  Strafe attack!  (pummels
        the Preds with rockets as they helplessly try to run away.)

        DARKSCREAM: I've never seen that guy so angry!  He's firing his
        whole arsenal at us!

SIPHER: Yeah, he's really shooting his ARSE(enal) off.

        SLAPPER: Don't talk, just run!  Whatever you do don't slow down!
        We got what we're looking for, so now all we gotta do is get outta
        here while we still can!

        OPTIMUS: Well, their attack served its purpose:  Megatron is
        gone.

DOUG: And with him all hope.

[Another "Transformers: The Movie" reference.]

        PROWL: I don't get it.  We've got the microchip; how did
        Megatron know the ship was here?

        X-BRAWN: It's obvious, isn't it?  He didn't need the microchip;
        he's got Dr. Onishi.

PHIL: Yeah, you know, the guy you Autobots are supposed to be LOOKING FOR?

        SIDEBURN: {Of course.  But the doctor only knew it was a UFO.  How
        did Megatron know about the Cybertrons?}

        X-BRAWN: He didn't --

        OPTIMUS: -- until the Predacons overheard me and contacted him.
        What have I done?

SIPHER: Oh, pretty much gave the Decepticons the upper hand and
    screwed your side royally.  Way to go.

[Commercial Break.]

        (Outside view of the Megastar.)

        (Within the Megastar, all the Preds are gathered around the pods.)

DOUG: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Megatron come over!

["Red Rover" is a children's game where two teams line up holding hands.
One team yells, "Red Rover, Red Rover let XXXXX come over!" where XXXXX
is the name of one of the other team members.  That person tries to run
and break through the clasped hands of the first team.  If he does,
he gets to go back to his own team and take one opposing team member
with him.  If not, he joins the opposing team.  When all the people are
gone from one team, the game is over.]

        MEGATRON: {My decision to look for that shuttle has proven more
        fortuitious than I could have ever imagined!  As protoforms,
        those Autobots can be altered and used as tools for getting rid
        of Optimus and his friends!}

        SKY-BYTE: But Megatron -- they're Autobot soldiers!  They
        leave the stasis pods, and they'll attack us!

SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) And you'll blame us, and you'll hit me, and I'll
    cry!

        SLAPPER: Exactly, it's too dangerous.  We should get rid of those
        pods right now!

        DARKSCREAM: Let me do it!  My freeze beam will turn them into ice
        cubes!

PHIL: If only one of the others had a beam to turn them into vodka.

        GAS-SKUNK: Why should you have all the fun?  I'll take care of
        those guys!

        MEGATRON: You'll do nothing of the sort!  If I had wanted those
        proto-entities destroyed, I would have done it myself.

        PREDACON STOOGES:  Awwww!

        MEGATRON: I have other plans for those Autobots.

DOUG: I hear one of them involves a new sundeck and swimming pool.

        SKY-BYTE: But they're our enemies; what possible use could they
        be?

        MEGATRON: (very long loud shriek-y laughter that gets
        progressively louder and crazier)

DOUG: (starts laughing along stupidly about halfway through, until just
        before the sigil flip):  Heh heh.  Ha ha ha!  HAHAHAHAHAHA --
        I don't get it.

[Partly from a hyena character appearing in bumpers in the '70s
Hanna-Barbera "Pebbles & Bam-Bam" show, but mostly from Barney Gumble
at the very end of the "B-Sharps" episode of "The Simpsons".]

        (Sigil Change)

PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....

SIPHER: I'm warning you.

        (A military base.  Tanks drive around, shuttles take off, and a
        tanker truck drives by.)

DOUG: Meanwhile, in Baghdad....

[A throw-away reference comparing all the military vehicles to the current
situation in Iraq.  For some reason, this got a huge reaction at the
actual presentation.]

        (Kelly is sitting in a jeep, crying.)

        KELLY: Whenever I try to take a vacation, something always
        ruins it!  It's not fair!...  (brightly) On the other hand, the
        soldiers that rescued me after the earthquake are really cute!

PHIL: Pathetic!  Why doesn't she just go beg for hook-ups on Transformers
    boards like a normal person?

        KELLY: {And I think one of them has a crush on me.  (giggles)
        This could be a pretty good vacation after all!  (giggles)
        Yeah!}

        (Switch to SkyByte's P.O.V.:  He's "targeting" Kelly, who
        laughs wildly as cartoon hearts circle her head.)

DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Megatron, we seem to have invaded one of those
shampoo commercials....

[Referring to the Herbal Essences shampoo commercials.]

        MEGATRON: {Can you see the entire base?

        SKY-BYTE: Let me widen the range -- all right, now what?}

        MEGATRON: Tell me what kind of military vehicles you see.

SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) I see dead military vehicles.

[Referring to the movie "The Sixth Sense".]

        SKY-BYTE: {Some tanks, some self-propelled artillery, and a few
        helicopters.}

        MEGATRON: Our protoforms will scan the most powerful vehicles
        and within a few minutes become the mightiest combat force
        this planet has ever known!

DOUG: The A-Team?

[Early to mid 1980's NBC show about a team of Vietnam vets who broke out
of prison after being falsely accused.  They were a team who were hired
to help the little guy out.  Or something.]

        SKY-BYTE: {Megatron, what's to keep them from using their
        powers against us?}

        MEGATRON: As the Autobot protoforms begin scanning, I will
        infuse them with code from my own spark energy, and when
        they've taken form, they'll be mine to command.

SIPHER: To retreat.

        MEGATRON: {By the time their configuration is completed} they
        will be my loyal and dedicated servants!  Invincible warriors!

        SKY-BYTE: With your spark energy they'll be unbeatable...

DOUG: Losers.

        DARKSCREAM: ...not to mention sneaky, sly, and deceitful....

PHIL: Losers.

        GAS-SKUNK: ...underhanded, diabolical, and devious...

SIPHER: Losers.

        SLAPPER: Let's not forget overbearing, egotistical, arrogant,
        conceited and verbose!  Bombastic, powerhungry, vain,
        self-serving, greedy, maniacal and a real pain in --
        (Megatron punches his head down into his shoulders)

PHIL: WhY mY sHOulDeRs hURt?

[And the final reference to Matt Marshall's comic.  See above.]

        SLAPPER: {I knew I shoulda kept my mouth shut!}  The boss just
        doesn't know how to take a compliment...

        MEGATRON: Be silent!  Take the pods to the Army base and start
        the scanning process.

DOUG: (as Megatron) I gotta transfer all my vacation photos to CD.

        (Darkscream and Slapper carry a pod towards a Jeep.)

        DARKSCREAM: I guess we can start with that one, right?

        SLAPPER: Right. (They are about to start scanning when there's
        an explosion.) What's going on?

        (Gunfire explodes around them.)

        DARKSCREAM: They're shooting at us!

        SLAPPER: Megatron forgot to tell us about this part of the plan!

SIPHER: Which means he'll blame Sky-Byte for it.

/OR/

SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) Oh, I knew Megatron was going to blame me!

[RiD Megatron really did seem to do this a lot.]

        (Artillery fire upends Kelly's jeep; she screams, falls
        sideways, but suddenly "blips" into landing on her feet from a
        totally sideways position.  Runs away.)

ALL: SUUUUURGE!

[Another Surge soda pop commercial reference.]

        KELLY: {I shoulda known!}  From now on I'll stay home and watch
        travelogues! I'm never gonna go on vacation again!

        (Darkscream and Slapper are dodging the gunfire.)

        MEGATRON: Incompetent fools; that's precisely the type of
        vehicle I want the Cybertrons to scan!

        SKY-BYTE: Darkscream -- stop running you coward, and scan that
        vehicle immediately, do you understand?

PHIL: (singing) Scan in the place where you are....

[A riff on REM's "Stand".]

        DARKSCREAM: That's easy for you to say, you're not the one
        they're shooting at!  (They scan an artillery truck; the driver
        screams and jumps out before the scanning SFX covers the cab
        section.)

SIPHER: This was better when Unicron did it.

[Similar effects were used when Megatron and other Decepticons were
changed into Galvatron, Cyclonus, and the Sweeps by Unicron in
"Transformers: The Movie"]

        (The scene is then re-played on the Autobot computer
        screen.)

        T-AI: Uh-oh; Megatron wouldn't have allowed those protoforms to
        scan anything unless he'd figured out a way to control them.

DOUG: With an NES Advantange.

[Same as the "Ghostbusters 2" reference above.]

        KOJI: What do you mean?

        T-AI: The vehicles on that army base... they all have one thing
        in common.

PHIL: They look just like the Combaticons!

[The toys that were used for Mega-Octane, et al, were repaints of the
G1 Combaticons.]

        KOJI: {They're weaponry!}

        T-AI: {That must be why Megatron is scanning military vehicles.}
        Optimus, come in!  I've found them. They're at the McKinley army
        base and they're outfitting weapons there.

        (The spacebridge)

DOUG: In cute little dresses with pink frilly things.

        OPTIMUS: {Copy that, T-AI, we're on our way!}

        (Sigil Transition)

PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....

SIPHER: That's it!

DOUG: Now, now, play nice, you two.

        (Back at the base, Darkscream and Slapper are laughing as the
        scan continues.)

        MEGATRON: And now I shall inject my spark energy into the
        protoform!  (He does so.  Meanwhile, the Autobots arrive.)

        OPTIMUS: Optimus Prime -- Transform!

        AUTOBOT BROTHERS:  Transform! Transform! Transform!

        (The stasis pod glows, then bursts.)

DOUG: Run to the light, Carol-Anne!

[A "Poltergeist" reference.]

        (Mega-Octane emerges.)

        MEGA-OCTANE: Mega-Octane -- Transform!

        MEGATRON: Too late, Optimus!  Say hello to Mega-Octane -- the
        first Decepticon!

        OPTIMUS: What?

PHIL: No, not "What" -- "Hello"!

        SIDEBURN: {Decepticon?  But he's an Autobot!}

        PROWL: What he is depends on the condition of his personalitty
        grid.  If Megatron has altered it --

        X-BRAWN: -- then he wouldn't think like an Autobot anymore and
        he'd see us as the enemy.

        OPTIMUS: There's only one way to find out.

DOUG: (as Optimus) I have to find his rub symbol!

["Rub symbols" were heat-sensitive sigils that were found on the G1 toys
starting with the second year.  These were used to prove that the toys
were Transformers and not other types of transformable robots.]

        OPTIMUS: (He approaches Mega-Octane.)  My name is Optimus Prime.
        I'm the leader of our kind here on Earth.  And in their name,
        allow me to welcome you to your new home.

        MEGA-OCTANE: No thanks! (He leans forward and shoots, knocking
        Prime down.)

SIPHER: There goes half the episode's animation budget....

[One of "Robots in Disguise" faults was animation that wasn't the best.
Oh, if only we knew what "Armada" would bring....]

        OPTIMUS: What has Megatron done to you?

DOUG: He gave him the stupidest name in Transformer history!  Wouldn't you
	be a little ticked-off?

        MEGATRON: (laughs) {You're wasting your breath, Optimus: he
        won't listen to you!}  He's a Decepticon now and loyal only to
        me!  And very soon, now, the others will join him.  Their
        firepower combined with my leadership will make the Decepticons
        unstoppable!

        OPTIMUS: You fiend!

SIPHER: Yes, you dastardly do-er, you!

        MEGATRON: {Mega-Octane, your fellow Decepticons will soon be
        joining you.}  If the Autobots interfere, destroy them!

        MEGA-OCTANE: With pleasure my lord!

[Commercial Break.]

        MEGA-OCTANE: I am at your command, Megatron

DOUG: (as Megatron) Go fetch me the sports section, then!

[Another reference to one of the jokes in the 2001 MSTF presentation.
Sipher, Doug, and Phil were laughing about those jokes for hours during
and after that BotCon, and Phil threw it in here just as a very inside
in-joke.]

        MEGATRON: {The other Decepticons are going to start scanning
        now.}  Your mission is to make certain that the scanning process
        is successfully completed.

        MEGA-OCTANE: I understand, sir.  Consider it done!

        SKY-BYTE: Take those stasis pods closer to those vehicles and
        begin scanning!

        OPTIMUS: It's showtime, guys.

PHIL: (singing) Overture!

DOUG: (singing) Curtain, lights!

SIPHER: (singing) This is it --

ALL: (singing) The night of nights!

[From "The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show" or other variations of said show
on ABC Saturday mornings in the 80's/90's.]

        OPTIMUS: {We've gotta stop them now before they all become
        Decepticons!

        AUTOBOT BROTHERS:  RIGHT!

        MEGA-OCTANE: Think again, Autobots!  (lean & shoot, again)

        OPTIMUS: Get back!}

        MEGA-OCTANE: (to SkyByte)  I'll hold them off!  Take the pods
        to the vehicles and begin scanning.

        SKY-BYTE: Megatron's plan is working perfectly.  What are you
        waiting for, you fools?  Don't just stand there, get to work!

DOUG: (as Basil) Yes, dear.  I'm DOING it dear.

[Basil Fawlty, the henpecked husband from John Cleese's short-lived
British TV comedy "Fawlty Towers".]

        SLAPPER: There's a good one.  A tank'll make a great Decepticon!
        (He scans a tank.)

        GAS-SKUNK: That cannon'll make scrapple-ets {*note:  pronounced
        as written, 3 syllables*} out of the Autobots!  (He scans a jeep.)

PHIL: It'll turn 'em into fried cornmeal and pork?

DOUG: (as Ahnuld from THE CRITIC): Dat's not koh-sha.

["Pork" is actually too kind a term for the parts of the pig used in
scrapple.  Times were *really* tough when this stuff was invented, folks.
One of the films Jay Sherman reviews in an episode of "The Critic" is
"Rabbi P.I.", in which Arnold goes undercover as a Chassidic Jew.  This
is one of the "snappy retorts" in the clips shown.  We'll spare you the
musical number.  Well, maybe just a little bit...]

        DARKSCREAM: {We need air support -- that helicopter's perfect.}
        (He aims and shoots.)

        KELLY: (trying to get into the copter):  Is anybody in there?
        I gotta get outta here!  (She bolts away as the scan-beam hits
        the copter.)  Nevermind, I'll find another ride!

        DARKSCREAM: This Decepticon is going to have plenty of
        firepower; that helicopter is armed to the teeth!

PHIL: I didn't know helicopters *had* teeth.

SIPHER: Transtech Ro-Tor!

["Transtech" was one of Hasbro's ideas to follow Beast Machines that
ultimately was scrapped in favor of bringing Japan's "Car Robots" over
and start work on "Armada".  It featured decidedly different designs for
familiar characters that had more wicked facial features and alt-designs.]

        MEGATRON: {Sky-Byte, why aren't you scanning?  Get with the
        program!  Find a vehicle for that protoform immediately!}

        SKY-BYTE: At once, sir!  (To himself) The vehicle with the most
        power will make the most powerful Decepticon and so....

DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Look, an Edsel!

PHIL: I'm an Edsel.  No -- I'm Edselor!

SIPHER: (pounds on Phil)

[From "Beast Wars" "Pilot, Pt 1".  Basically, it's a way of making a stupid
Transformer name just by slapping an "-or" to the end of a word in some
fashion.]

        OPTIMUS: {Forget it Sky-Byte!  TRANSFORM!  Power Stream!  (water
        knocks Sky-Byte down.  He drops the pod, which sends its scan
        beam shooting straight up.)}

        MEGATRON: You incompetent fool!  What in the world are you
        aiming at?

        (The scan-beam approaches a vulture.)

        SKY-BYTE: Oh -- we only want vehicles!  If that bird gets
        scanned we'll have another Predacon to deal with! I can't
        look...

ALL: NEITHER CAN WE.

        (The vulture dodges the beam which hits the shuttle instead.)

        MEGATRON: A space shutle Decepticon!  Well done.

DOUG: But I ordered my stake rare.

	MEGATRON: {Under my leadership, he will become a mighty warrior!

	(He does a four-way spark infusion on all the pods.  They glow
	and burst, revealing four Decepticon vehicles.)

        MEGA-OCTANE: Decepticons -- Transform!

        (All vehicles transform into the small Commandos.  They remain
        totally silent and motionless for a long slow panning shot.)

SIPHER: (as Mega-Octane) Decepticons -- don't say anything!  Good boys.

        OPTIMUS: There's only one pod left!

        X-BRAWN: They've got too much firepower, Optimus; we'd never
        get to it in time!

        MEGATRON: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah, so true! (Swoops down and grabs the
        final pod.)

        SIDEBURN: Oh no!  We're too late, guys!  Megatron just grabbed
        the last pod!

PHIL: Weren't you paying attention five seconds ago?

        MEGATRON: {Yes, and soon the last of your fellow Autobots will
        answer only to me!}

        KELLY: (climbs into the tanker truck.  Behind the wheel she looks
        frazzled and psychotic):  I'm getting out of here as fast as I
        can, I didn't go to truck-driving school for nothing, you know!
        (starts driving away)

SIPHER: BE SURE AN' TELL 'EM LARGE MARGE SENT YA!
       AAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

[From the movie "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". PW is picked up in the dead of
night by a very scary trucker-woman, who apparently died in a wreck a long
time ago. It's one of many hilarious and poinlessly surreal scenes in a
hilarious and pointlessly surreal movie.]

        SIDEBURN: {Hey Prowl what's up with the tanker truck?}

        PROWL: You got me.  I better check it out.  (Uses x-ray vision
        to see the liquid fuel in the tanker.)

DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm.... Faygo.

[Thrown in as an in-joke for Transformers fan Ron "Robowang" Bedra.
In 2002, he kept singing the praises of a soda pop brand called "Faygo",
and brought some to share.  That and "Faygo" is just a funny word.]

        PROWL: That tanker is the one they use to refuel the space
        shuttle.  It's loaded with 10,000 gallons of rocket fuel.

SIPHER: Roughly.

        X-BRAWN: Then we'd better hope that nobody uses it for target
        practice!  (He mumbles to himself as hundreds of rows of teeny
        tiny numbers flash past him on the screen.)  Let's see, divide
        by three, carry the one....  Yep.  That tanker gets hit, the
        explosion will be so massive, that everything within a ten
        mile radius is gonna be blown to smithereens!

PHIL: I'm glad he used such extensive calculation to determine
    "smithereens".

        MEGATRON: {Then that tanker is the perfect choice as the
        vehicle for the last pod to scan!  The energy in that rocket
        fuel will make it the most powerful Decepticon of them all!}
        Behold  -- your mightiest enemy (obvious pause) ... is about to
        take form!

        (Kelly tries to avoid a ditch, but the truck overbalances and
        topples)

ALL: (singing) I'm driving a truck with my high heels on!

[From "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Truck Driving Song", on his 1999 album
"Running With Scissors".]

        SIDEBURN: {We've got to stop it from crashing!

        X-BRAWN: There's no time; we're too far away!}

        OPTIMUS: I'm on it!  (He grabs the truck and sets it upright.)

        MEGATRON: Well done, Optimus.  Thanks to you I can now begin
        scanning that tanker!

ALL: D'oh!

[Homer Simpson's famous phrase.]

        MEGATRON: (He scans them both.)  Now witness the
        genesis of your destruction! (He infuses spark energy,
        essentially "spooning" the pod in the process.)

SIPHER: Aw, look at that, they're dancing in air....

        (Pod lands, glows, and bursts.)

        SCOURGE: Scourge, TRANSFORM!

        X-BRAWN: What the --?  Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing?

DOUG: If you're seeing Galaxina, then ye-- er, I mean, no.

[Galaxina is a decidedly female robot from the movie of the same name.  Also
used as a joke in MSTF 1997 and MSTF 1998.]

        SIDEBURN: {Yeah, he looks an awful lot like you, Optimus.}

        OPTIMUS: That's because Megatron scanned me and the tanker at
        the same time!

PHIL: So shouldn't Scourge also be part woman? I mean, Kelly was IN the
        scanned truck...

DOUG: Hey, that'd be a twist...

        MEGATRON: {You are infused with my spark, but also that of
        Optimus.}  Are you Decepticon, or Autobot?  ANSWER ME!

        (Scourge stands motionless in an incredibly long "dramatic"
        pause that, seriously, has got to last for at least 15
        seconds.  Stock-still facial close-ups of all the other
        characters.)

DOUG: (as Megatron) And phrase it in the form of a question!

PHIL: (starts singing the "Final Jeopardy" music).

SIPHER: (joins in after the first line)

DOUG: (joins in after the second line)

ALL: (Sing the rest of the music, getting louder and ending with a
    resounding "BUM BUM!")

["Jeopardy" is a long running trivia TV show with a familiar theme used
during 30 seconds of thinking in the show's final round.  At the actual
MSTF, the performance team ended early, so we kept saying "BUM BUM!" to
"indicate" to the characters that we had had enough of their silence
and for Bob's sake just get on with the show.]

        (Finally:)

        SCOURGE: (eyes glowing evilly):  I have only one purpose: to
        serve Megatron.  I have only one desire: to destroy Megatron's
        enemies.  I have only one mission: to lead the Decepticons to
        victory!

DOUG: (as Scourge) I also only have one pair of socks.

        MEGA-OCTANE: {Hold on, Scourge; who put you in charge?}  I was
        the first, so I should lead the Decepticons!

        SCOURGE: Only the most fearless deserves that honor.  Is that
        you, Mega-Octane?  (punch, flinch) No, I didn't think so.

PHIL: Thank God they settled that quickly, before it escalated to atomic
     wedgies.

        MEGATRON: Well done, Scourge!  From this moment on you are
        commander of the Decepticons.  The rest of you will follow his
        orders, is that understood?

DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Uh, dur, huh?

        DECEPTICONS: {YES SIR!}

        SCOURGE: Decepticons -- the Autobots are Megatron's enemies.
        They must be eliminated!

SIPHER: (as Scourge) So let's draw straws.

[Commercial break.]

        SCOURGE: Decepticons, it is time to prepare for combat!

DOUG: (as Mortal Kombat announcer) FINISH HIM!

[The first "Mortal Kombat" video game was a big hit in the early 90's.
When one person won two rounds of a fight, the announcer said "FINISH
HIM!", which was the cue for the player to perform the fatality move.]

        SCOURGE: {Transform!}

        DECEPTICONS: YES SIR! (They transform.)

        OPTIMUS: Get ready!

PHIL: Get set!

SIPHER: Cower!

        (The Decepticons blast everybody.)

        PROWL: Their firepower is incredible.  What are we gonna do?

DOUG: Find clean underwear.

        X-BRAWN: {There's only one thing to do.}  Fall back and regroup.
        All right everybody, move out!

SIPHER: But I like it in my parents' basement!

        (But the Decepticons' fire prevents them from retreating.)

        SIDEBURN: {So much for that idea!}

        SCOURGE: Decepticons, switch to maximum firepower!

        (They keep shooting no differently from before; we now also
        see Scourge's base shooting as well.)

DOUG: And this differs from before... how?

        OPTIMUS: Optimus Prime, battle mode! (Transforms and shields
        the Autobots from incoming blasts.)  Scourge, you're an
        Autobot!  Fight Megatron's infusion of evil!  It's not who you
        really are!

        SCOURGE: Why should I listen to you?  You are Megatron's
        enemy -- (eyes glow again) -- and the enemy must be
        annihilated.  Decepticons, attack!  Destroy them!
        (more shooting)

        OPTIMUS: Blizzard Blast! (All the 'cons are coated with snow.)

PHIL: In the land of Dairy Queen, they treat you right!

[Dairy Queen fast food restaurants make Blizzard treats, which are
soft-serve ice milk mixed with candy or cookie pieces, etc.  The line
Phil says was one of their slogans in the 80's.]

        SCOURGE: {Your puny snowstorm will not stop me!}

        MEGATRON: Scourge, that's enough!  You've just come online.
        You're not yet at full strength.  You can finish them off
        at another time.

PHIL: ... so, the Decepticons have the Autobots on the defensive, and
Megatron wants them to stop?

SIPHER: And they say he's not the same as the original Megatron.

DOUG: Zing!

[A snide comment about how G1 Megatron always seemed to retreat.]

        SCOURGE: {Understood.  Optimus Prime:  The next time we meet,
        you will cease to exist, I promise you.  Decepticons, follow
        me!}

        DECEPTICONS: YES, SIR!

        OPTIMUS: No!  Wait!

PHIL: (as Optimus) I have more ice cream for you!

        SCOURGE: {Try and stop me!}  (Some more shooting, then all the
        Decepticons retreat.)

        OPTIMUS: Someday, I hope they'll find the strength to reject
        Megatron's evil and find their own true sparks.  But until
        they do, they're Earth's most dangerous enemies.

SIPHER: I thought those were ex-Saturday Night Live cast members.

[Seriously.  Most ex-SNL cast members make horrible movies after they
leave.  Fear them.]

        SKY-BYTE: (to the other Preds huddled nervously around him) I
        hope you all have your resumes ready, because we may be out of
        a job!

DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Darn this weak economy!

        (The Autobots hear loud whiny wailing in the distance.  It's
        Kelly.)

        KELLY: WaaaAAAAAaaaaa..... What's the deal?  Why does this stuff
        always happen to me?  I'm nice to everyone, I.....

	(Saban logo appears.)

PHIL: Saban - just one letter away from the Prince of Darkness.

DOUG: Carl Sagan is the Prince of Darkness?

[Carl Sagan was a noted astronomer.]

        (Fade out.)

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

 - LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -

***************************************************************************
SKIT FOUR: STATUS SYMBOLS
***************************************************************************

DOUG: Y'know, OTFCC is a great chance for a bunch of Transfans to get
    together and just exist as one group of fans, sharing the Transformers
    love.

(Sipher and Phil look at Doug a bit strangely.)

SIPHER: ... right.  Well, I suppose you could say that.  I mean, we're
    all here because we love Transformers.

PHIL: I'm here because I thought Sammy Sosa would drive up from Wrigley
    Field.

(Sipher and Doug look at Phil a bit strangely.)

SIPHER: -- AND when you boil it down, we're basically all the same, just
    robot loving geeks.

PHIL: *clears throat*

DOUG: You, uh, don't agree, Phil?

PHIL: We're not all the same.  We've got some people here who are more
    important than others.

SIPHER: Well, sure.  You've got the guests.

DOUG: And Glen and the rest of the 3H staff.

PHIL: And me.

(Sipher and Doug look at Phil like he's out of his mind.)

SIPHER: Right, Phil.  You're better than us.

DOUG: I think the sleep-deprivation has gotten to you.

SIPHER: And it's only Saturday morning.

PHIL: No, really, it's true.  I've been around Internet Transfandom for
    over a decade.  I was there BEFORE there was any organized effort.

SIPHER: That just makes you *old*, Phil.

PHIL: ... quiet.

DOUG: Well, if you're going to go there, I was at the first BotCon.

PHIL: So were other people.

DOUG: Yeah, but who was instrumental in putting together that
    retrospective book?  Certainly not you, Old Man.

SIPHER: *pffft*  Please.  So you ATTENDED the first BotCon.  Who was
    performing at the first MSTF back in 1997?

(Sipher raises his hand.  Doug and Phil look at each other and, after
a beat, raise their hands, too.)

SIPHER: Phil, you weren't on stage.  What did you do?

PHIL: I was the "Lights!" guy.

DOUG: (slightly under his breath) And the guy who accidentally
fast-forwarded the tape....

SIPHER: Okay, so both of you were involved.  But WHO THOUGHT OF IT?  You,
Phil?  You, Spanky?

DOUG: "Spanky"?

PHIL: Yeah, and who suffered the most because of it?

DOUG: The audience?

PHIL: ... no.  You were sleeping for a week after that, Sipher.  I still
remember seeing you crashed out on the bed for hours after the convention
that Sunday.

DOUG: Why were you watching him, Phil?

PHIL: He was sleeping on my suitcase.

SIPHER: ANYway, the point remains that I thought of this.  ME ME ME ME ME.

DOUG: You know where to throw the tomatoes, folks.

PHIL: Okay, enough.  It's clear that actions and deeds won't clear up this
argument.  Time to settle this the old-fashioned way.

SIPHER: Sword fights?  Gun duels?  SWEET!

PHIL: No.  By comparing the size of our --

DOUG: Careful; this is a family show.

PHIL: -- Transformers collections.  I bet I've got more cooler stuff than
you.

SIPHER: Pffft.  Bring it on, big boy.

PHIL: Every single American released Transformer since 1995.  I got 'em all.

DOUG: Big deal.  I've got more Japanese Transformers from the 80's than you
can even possibly imagine.

SIPHER: So?  I've got Japanese Laserdiscs signed by some of the voice actors.

PHIL: Optimus Prime voice helmet.  I got it.

DOUG: Bluestreak 3-D puzzle.  Mine.

SIPHER: Mint in box Diaclone toys.

PHIL: Signed Beast Wars pilot scripts.

DOUG: Oooo, that's not bad.

PHIL: Well, I've got Tommy Kennedy's autograph!  (pulls out several Taco Bell
napkins)

SIPHER: (looks at napkins) Phil, you wrote this yourself.  I mean,
"'Leave me alone you scary nerd.  Love, Tommy Kennedy'?"

DOUG: That sounds real to me.

SIPHER: Yeah, but it's written on *Taco Bell* napkins.

PHIL: Where do you think he works these days?

SIPHER: I've got Action Master Predaking's artwork.

DOUG: I thought Karl Hartman had that and gave it back to Hasbro.

SIPHER: Oh, right, "Hasbro" has it....

DOUG: Well, I have Peter Cullen's autograph.

PHIL: So?  A lot of people do.

DOUG: Yeah, but I used it to get a credit card in his name.

SIPHER: Well, get this. I've got an original copy of the Robots in
        Disguise series bible!

DOUG: Really?! Where?

(Sipher looks confused for a minute, then points to the small notepad he's
been holding)

DOUG: Yeah? Well, check this out. *I* have famed Japanese Transformers
        illustrator Hirofumi Ichikawa!

SIPHER: WHAT?!

(Doug points to under the table. Sipher and Phil leap back in shock and
horror.)

SIPHER: Sweet honey-roasted Bob!

PHIL: I don't know what's scarier... that's he's hog-tied under the table,
        or that there's a Hello Kitty ball-gag in his mouth.  Anyway...
        *I've* got Tom Cruise!

DOUG: What does he have to do with Transformers?

PHIL: Dude, he sang the song on the Tonight Show!

SIPHER: Hanks.  That was Tom HANKS.

PHIL: Really?

SIPHER: Yes.

PHIL: ... oh, crap.

SIPHER: RIGHT. Since you seem to want to delve into the realm of scary...
        you want a truly hard-to-find piece of collectorable crap?

PHIL: Hit me.

(Sipher puts on a rubber glove, dives into his box, pulls out a garbage
bag, and pulls from THAT a videocassette box)

SIPHER: Dig THIS. The See & Read videocassette version "Satellite of Doom"
    and "When Continents Collide"!

(Phil and Doug react like vampires being shown a cross)

SIPHER: OOHHH-HO, yessss.

PHIL: No. You don't REALLY have one of those!

SIPHER: I do.

DOUG: You can't! That tape has broken many a young soul!

SIPHER: I know.

PHIL: HOW did it escape the purge?!

SIPHER: I found it in a back stock room next to some crummy old Ark of the
        Covenant.

DOUG: Don't look at it!

SIPHER: Ooooooooh no, Spanky. You're lookin' at it. EVERY PERSON IN THIS
        ROOM IS NOW GONNA LOOK AT IT.

PHIL: ... on the big screen?

(Sipher grins like a madman, which he is)

SIPHER: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU CHILDRENS'
        ENTERTAINMENT!!!

DOUG & PHIL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Sipher laughs maniacally...)

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

[At the performance, we cut a big portion of the script out due to time
constraints as well as getting to the funny stuff more quickly.  Phil
ad-libbed several lines, and the rest of the skit started right at the part
where Doug and Phil start comparing the size of their -- Transformers
collections.]

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

 - "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #4 -

TRANSCON 44 1/4TH!!!
        (Photo of a dumpster)
        Behind the McDonald's just up the road from this hotel

***************************************************************************
EPISODE FOUR: SATELLITE OF DOOM / WHEN CONTINENTS COLLIDE
***************************************************************************

        NARRATOR: Hi, everybody!

ALL: HI, DOCTOR NICK!

["Doctor Nick" is a character from "The Simpsons", whose trademark entrance
is to walk into a room and say, "Hi, everybody!"  Everyone there responds
with "Hi, Doctor Nick!"]

        NARRATOR: As you listen to The Transformers story...

DOUG: Hopeless bleak despair will consume your soul.

        NARRATOR: Get ready for "Satellite of Doom"!

PHIL: (whimper)

        (Picture of Soundwave and Megatron on an observation deck inside a
        cavern. There are some bulldozers being operated by humans in the
        background. Soundwave has one hand raised, finger pointing in the
        air.)

SIPHER: (whistle) TAXI!

        NARRATOR: Megatron, the evil Decepticon leader, stood on the
                observation deck inside the tremendous two-hundred-square mile
                cavern.

DOUG: He was taking photos for the folks at home.

        NARRATOR: Next to him was his aide, Soundwave.
        (Picture changes to a close-up of one of the bulldozers. The camera
        shakes and moves to simulate action.)

ALL: (shaking back and forth, wailing)

        SOUNDWAVE: How much longer are we going to have to stay under this
                merciless desert, master?
        NARRATOR: yelled Soundwave.

DOUG: (loud snerk)

        MEGATRON: (voiced by Mumm-Ra) As long as it takes to complete our
                task here,

SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra voice) Destroying the Thundercats!

[The "voice actor" for Megatron in this story is not Frank Welker.  It is
someone who voices Megatron like Mumm-Ra, from the "Thundercats" 80's
cartoon.]

        SOUNDWAVE: I was only asking, master, because this blasted sand
                keeps getting in my cassette drives, and it's fouling everybody
                else's transmissions too...

PHIL: (whiny) And I'm hungryyyy! I wanna gooooooooo!

        MEGATRON: That is why we have lured these thousands of greedy,
                carbon-based humanoids here...

DOUG: As opposed to the silicon-based humanoids.

SIPHER: Of course.

        MEGATRON: ... using false promises of vast wealth and then making
                them our slaves.

PHIL: The CSI Story!

[CSI is one of those "get your degree at home" deals, which always seemed
like a huge scam to Sipher.]

        MEGATRON: Ironically amusing, isn't it?
        SOUNDWAVE: It's certainly one of your better jokes, all-powerful
                Megatron.

SIPHER: Still, you're no Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top is a comedian who makes dumb AT&T commercials and is regarded
as hugely unfunny by many people.  Yet, the guy sells out show after show,
so he must be doing something right.]

        NARRATOR: Moments later, the roaring turbines of another huge
                Decpticon coal transporter-
        (The transporter chroma-keyes over a backdrop to make it fly)

[Chroma-key here refers to super-imposing one image on top of another.]

DOUG: (Fearful) Dear God, not an electric razor!

PHIL: (Fearful) Even its NAME says Merry Christmas!

[Virtually the same reference appeared in MST3K episode #706, "Laserblast":

    "NORELCO's plan for world domination... even its name spells
    'Merry Christmas'." - Norelco is a brand of electric shavers. We
    do not have further information about the "Merry Christmas" thing.
     - http://mst3k.booyaka.com/references_guide/706.htm

Sipher thinks that "Merry Christmas" might come from an old commercial.]

        NARRATOR: As the tons of coal poured out, slaves worked like ants

SIPHER: Carrying giant chicken legs and watermelons into tiny holes.

        MEGATRON: What volume of coal is inside now?
        NARRATOR: Megatron demanded.
        SOUNDWAVE: Four hundred billion cubic yards, master.

SIPHER: Where'd they GET all this coal anyway?

PHIL: They raided the Kingsford plantations.

SIPHER: Ahhh.

[Kingsford is a brand name of charcoal briquettes.]

        MEGATRON: Are the lectonite charges in place and primed?
        SOUNDWAVE: Well, master, almost... you see the sand and transmission
                problems have...
        MEGATRON: Almost!
        SOUNDWAVE: Everything will be completed on time, mighty Megatron!

PHIL: Just stop pointing your scary trigger-crotch at me!

        SOUNDWAVE: ... within a cocoon of lectonite explosives, just as you
                ordered!
        MEGATRON: Your worthless mecha-life depends on that, Soundwave.

SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) Because you're a robot, see.

DOUG: Yes.

SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) That's why you have a mecha-life.

DOUG: Right.

SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) That's a beard you'll have. In the future.

DOUG: What?

[From Comedy Central's "TV Funhouse", by Robert Smigel, creator of Triumph
the Insult-Comic Dog and the Ambiguously Gay Duo, among other things. In the
Christmas episode, one of the characters is visited by the Ghost Of
Christmas Past... who is actually there to show the older, bearded version
of him from the future what he was like in the past, that is, now, because
he's from the future, which is why he has the beard...]

        NARRATOR: Skyfire's coded signal filled the Autobot command center,
                where an impatient Optimus Prime, the fearless Autobot leader,
                and his right hand, Prowl...

PHIL: Oh my GOD, he's only a HAND?!

DOUG: He's HAND-MAN!

SIPHER: Freakazoo!

[From the hilarious WB cartoon superhero parody "Freakazoid!". One of the
shorts featured Freakazoid's new sidekick Hand-Man... who was just his hand
done up with eyes, a very Senőr Wences deal.]

        OPTIMUS: (warbly modulated voice) We tracked their transport to the
                area until it disappeared from our screens.

SIPHER: (warbly voice) That's why we're just gonna sit here.

        PROWL: Perhaps that earthling lying out there holds the answer,
                chief.
        OPTIMUS: He's totally unconscious and beyond answering questions.
        PROWL: Not once the sensor drone reaches him and patches into his
                residual brainwave pattern.

DOUG: (laughing) Oh, NICE!

PHIL: Medical aid? PHHHH. TAP INTO HIS BRAIN FIRST!

        NARRATOR: Optimus Prime was puzzled.
        OPTIMUS: Slaves?... A two-hundred square mile block of coal?...

SIPHER: A chunk of garden hose? Cotton balls? An eighty-two-degree angle?

[From the old Infocom text-adventure game "Leather Goddesses of Phobos".
Those were among the many odd items needed to be assembled to make the
Anti-Leather-Goddesses-Of-Phobos device and stop their evil plans.]

        NARRATOR: As the Decepticon Command Ship blasted off, its enormous
                rocket drives created a dust storm the size of a large city.
                The lights of the control panel cast an eerie glow...

DOUG: Thanks to bad chroma-key.

        MEGATRON: At least we no longer have to listen to the vile curses
                and screaming from those pathetic slaves,

SIPHER: Who, Transformers fans?

        SOUNDWAVE: No, master. They certainly weren't happy about being left
                sealed up with all that coal.

PHIL: Or put in those stockings.

        MEGATRON: The slaves' carbon base will soon join the carbon base of
                the coal,

SIPHER: Whoa!

        MEGATRON: thus creating the largest lens in the universe.

PHIL: So THAT'S how they made the Hubble!

[The Hubble Space Telescope is the largest telescope ever designed.  It
orbits the Earth, and scientists use it to explore the deepest depths of
the universe.]

        MEGATRON: ... millions of Earth years and multi-tons of pressure to
                form the diamond I need.

SIPHER: I guess he's gonna propose to the toaster.

DOUG: Oooh.

[Nightbird joke. If you don't know, don't ask. We're being mean.]

        MEGATRON: I shall create that crystal at the press of a button.
        NARRATOR: And with that, Megatron released an explosion the force of
                which the world had never seen,

ALL: (huge fart noise)

        NARRATOR: The explosion left in its wake the largest diamond ever
                formed.

SIPHER: Hundreds of dead humans in a childrens' story! Kick ASS!

PHIL: If he has THAT many explosives, why go through this elaborate
        scheme? Why not just plant them at Autobot HQ?

DOUG: It's MEGATRON, Phil.

PHIL: Oh, right. Big blue griffin guy. Never mind.

[In the G1 episode "Aerial Assault", Megatron's big device that would
destroy the Autobots and help him reach galactic/universal conquest was
a big blue griffin.  That was made powerless by one kick by Superion.

Seriously.]

        NARRATOR: Megatron supervised the final laser cuts for the
                refraction surfaces on the monstrous diamond satellite.
        MEGATRON: T-minus ten minutes to launch, Soundwave... why are you
                looking so grim?

DOUG: I've been rendered in Crayola. I can't HELP it.

        SOUNDWAVE: ... my cassette drives... it's as bad as the sand from
                the desert.

SIPHER: Soundwimp.

        MEGATRON: Soon we Decepticons will have all the oil we need to bathe
                and protect our drives and transmissions.

DOUG: And to jockstrap-wrestle in.

PHIL: That's it, I'm outta here. (Gets up to leave)

SIPHER: Siddown.

        MEGATRON: Therefore, with my crystal satellite

PHIL: Of DOOM!

        MEGATRON: ... a lens powerful enough to focus the puny energy of
                their tiny sun...

DOUG: Someone's got size issues, I think.

SIPHER: Well, he DOES have a giant hole in his crotch.

        MEGATRON: ... turning it into an ocean of oil! And from that oil, my
                refineries will supply us with the fuel for the final defeat of
                the Autobots and the conquest of the universe!
        NARRATOR: But as Megatron spoke, he failed to notice Bumblebee, the
                hovering Autobot spy
        (A chroma-key insert of Bumblebee's card-art zips across the screen)

PHIL: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[In performance, this actually was done more like a Jetsons' car noise, sounds
provided by all three people.  It worked disturbingly well.]

        NARRATOR: First, the rumble of pre-ignition began

PHIL: Yeah, many rockets have problems with pre-ignition.

SIPHER: Eeee.

        NARRATOR: Then, the main ignition kicked in with a blast that sent
                shock waves reverberating along the ground and through the
                jungle foliage and air alike.

SIPHER: So you're saying it was loud, then.

        NARRATOR: But as the launch vehicle began to rise, a superjet
                appeared.
        OPTIMUS: Attack, brave Autobot Skyfire! Attack!

DOUG: Faster, Autobot! KILL! KILL!

[Referencing the movie "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"]

        OPTIMUS: Destroy Megatron and this newest tool of his evil
                imagination!

PHIL: I'm DOING it, shut UP!

        NARRATOR: ... null rays and missiles was too late, however, as the
                launch vehicle shrugged them off and rose up through the
                atmosphere into space.
        MEGATRON: Ha, Optimus Prime! You have met your match!

SIPHER: My face and your bu- wait.

        NARRATOR: ... destroying the launch complex. Then he and the
                Decepticons punched in their afterburners

DOUG: And their time-cards.

[Referring to factories that made workers punch a card with the time they
arrived and again when they left.  Used to track how much time a worker
was actually at work.]

        NARRATOR: ... to await the fruits of their foul plan.
        (Shot of Earth from space)
        NARRATOR: Never before had the Earth been so vulnerable and
                unsuspecting.

SIPHER: It was about to collide with the Universal logo.

[The Universal Pictures logo is that of the Earth with the word "UNIVERSAL"
circling it.]

        NARRATOR: .. of the villainous leader of the Decepticons, Megatron.
                Having launched an enormous diamond lens satellite into
                space...

PHIL: He did? I must have missed that.

        (Shot of Soundwave and Megatron looking at the diamond-rocket on a
        viewscreen)
        NARRATOR: ... over the North American continent, he was now
                preparing to fix its position so he could bring the full extent
                of the sun's energy to bear and melt the Rocky Mountains into
                an ocean of oil.

DOUG: The Anniversary Diamond. Tell her you'd liquefy a mountain range all
        over again.

[Take-off of DeBeers Diamond television commercial.]

        NARRATOR: Therefore, buried deep inside a remote location in
                northeast America,

PHIL: We find Jimmy Hoffa.

[A famous Union leader who disappeared under... mysterious circumstances.]

        NARRATOR: ... as they made the final adjustments to the satellite.
        MEGATRON: Two-second burn on the starboard attitude thruster,

SIPHER: (Smarmy) Oooh, the ATTITUDE thruster.

        MEGATRON: Shut down all engines.
        SOUNDWAVE: Roger, all engines shut down at this time.

PHIL: Roger, Roger.

DOUG: Over, Oveur.

SIPHER: What's our vector, Victor?

[From the comedy movie "Airplane".]

        MEGATRON: When the first rays of the sun strike it, the fun will
                begin.

DOUG: Good, because THIS sure hasn't been a lot of fun!

        NARRATOR: Inside the Autobot command center, Optimus Prime and Prowl
                were also monitoring these last movements of the Decepticon
                satellite as it assumed its stationary position far out in
                space.
        PROWL: (looking at the camera, not the viewscreen, hands splayed)
                That's it, chief.

SIPHER: Is he playing an invisible piano?

        PROWL: They've shut down all rocket engines.
        OPTIMUS: Curious.
        PROWL: And here comes the sun...

ALL: (singing) Here comes the sun... doot do doo doo...

[The Beatles song, written and lead-sung by George Harrison.]

        PROWL: The refraction facets of the lens are beginning to focus a
                BEAM of...

SIPHER: (goofy, matching the odd inflection on "beam") BEAM!

        NARRATOR: Optimus Prime interrupted with shock and disbelieving
                horror,

PHIL: And DULL SUPRISE!

DOUG: DING!

[Another MST3K reference, "Dull Surprise" being the sum total of Kathy
Ireland's range of emotions while acting.]

        NARRATOR: ... the terrible weight and consequences of Megatron's
                fiendish plan.
        OPTIMUS: The energy of hundreds of millions of hydrogen bombs
                concentrated on a confined area like that is going to
                precipitate disastrous and deadly results!

DOUG: Quick, tape it, sell it to FOX!

[The FOX television network in the US is notable for having shows like
"World's Scariest Police Chases" or "When Animals Attack" or
"Man Versus Beast".  "Masterpiece Theatre" it isn't.]

        OPTIMUS: Millions will perish in the ensuing calamity...

SIPHER: (Max voice) Ensue. Ensue. I don't think that's a real word, Sam.

[From Steve Purcell's "Sam & Max: Freelance Police" comics.]

        NARRATOR: As the first scorching rays of the satellite's beam began
                to sear the mountains,

PHIL: Mutual of Omaha is there!

[Classic slogan for insurance company Mutual of Omaha, along the lines of
Allstate's "You're in good hands."]

        NARRATOR: ... ten times a thousand fold.

SIPHER: A hundred billion million pogillion-fold plus one.

        NARRATOR: ... and tons of smoke and soot began to rain down on the
                continent.

DOUG: So Los Angeles remain unchanged, then.

        NARRATOR: Slowly at first, secreting the moisture held tightly for
                eons...

PHIL: Oh, STOP with the sexual imagery!

        NARRATOR: Finally, sweating out the first signs of the precious
                black fluid so dear to Megatron's callous heart.

DOUG: Black gold! Texas tea!

[From the theme song to "The Beverly Hillbillies".]

        NARRATOR: ... at a rate beyond imagination,

SIPHER: Whoa, Hooks got a mention!

[Hooks X is a Transformers fan whose website was entitled "Beyond
Imagination".]

        NARRATOR: ... of geologic formation wilted before it, changing from
                a solid state to a liquid. Streams of gaseous molten lava and
                oil flowed into rivers and then formed into lakes.

DOUG: Oooh baby, every time we kiss.

[South Park reference. Chef sings a song called "Hot Lava", which is
basically thin euphamism for... um... you'll figure it out.]

        NARRATOR: ... sea of death threatened to engulf Los Angeles and the
                entire West Coast.

PHIL: Someone call Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche!

[Both were in the 1997 movie "Volcano", about a volcano in Los Angeles.]

        NARRATOR: ... it began moving eastward, menacing small desert towns
                as it volume doubled and redoubled.

SIPHER: Man. First giant man-eating worms, then this.

[Either a sidelong reference to the "Tremors" movie and TV series, or
Sipher just making a non sequitur.]

        (Shot of Skyfire being loaded up)
        NARRATOR: And not having the luxury of time to come up with a
                variety of solutions, Optimus Prime quickly improvised.

PHIL: He asked the audience for a famous actor, a location, and a
        vegetable.

        NARRATOR: But with Ratchet's mechanical wizardry, he was prepared to
                try something.
        OPTIMUS: Isn't Skyfire ready, Prowl? What's holding things up?
        PROWL: Ratchet's good, chief, but he's only mechanical.

DOUG: And your bitching isn't gonna make things go faster.

        PROWL: ... auxiliary booster tanks attached and fueled up... Oh,
                that's it, chief, Ratchet just gave me the go-ahead!
        OPTIMUS: Launch, then! Immediately!
        NARRATOR: The Autobot air guardian roared into space, knowing he
                would not have enough fuel to return safely from his mission.

DOUG: Sweet! Suicide mission!

        (shot of Skyfire attacking the orbitting satellite)

SIPHER: It's not even pointed at the Earth! What the hell?!

        NARRATOR: In the Decepticon ground station, Megatron slapped
                Soundwave across the back hard in a fit of glee that he almost
                popped Soundwave's cassette right out of his chest.

PHIL: That's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!

        MEGATRON: They cannot touch us! Ha, Optimus Prime, prepare to meet
                your mechanic!

DOUG: Aw no, the Mechanic's in this too?

SIPHER: Aaauuugh...

["The Mechanic" was a character that appeared in issues #26 and #28 of the
original Marvel Comics "Transformers" series.]

        SOUNDWAVE: And did you see how the Autobot superjet burned on re-
                entry into the atmosphere! That was nice too!

SIPHER: Skyfire. Autobot Schmuck.

        (shot of Optimus Prime in space now, miles and miles above the  Earth,
        holding one corner of a giant sheet of metal, with Sunstreaker
        holding the other top corner...)

ALL: Way, whoa, hold on (improv snorts of disbelief more quietly through
        the next bit of narration)

        NARRATOR: He had instructed Ratchet to weld together a square-mile
                sheet of polished metal. And now, using electro-magnetic lift,
                a squadron of Autobots

SIPHER: (muttering) Squadron of two...

        NARRATOR: was flying the metal sheet into position between the
                satellite lens...

DOUG: Man, Prime's got Pat Lee proportions!

[Pat Lee, one of the artists involved in several of Dreamwave Productions'
revival of the Generation 1 Transformers, is not exactly known for artwork
containing properly proportioned robots.  The art of Prime used in the video
here is also misproportioned.]

        NARRATOR: ... in a confused manner as he pointed at the video
                monitor.
        SOUNDWAVE: The Autobots are up to something funny with that giant
                metal...
        MEGATRON: Mirror! Busted gears and cracked drive shafts!

DOUG: THAT'S a complex blasphemy.

SIPHER: Yeah, he should have just said (Mumm-Ra voice) MUTHA FU-

PHIL & DOUG: *HEY!!!*

[There are a dozen or so outtakes from the "Thundercats" cartoon that have
circulated around the Internet.  One of them features Mumm-Ra's voice actor
saying the MF profanity.]

        (Bad chroma-key laser effects of sunbeams reflecting off the mirror)

SIPHER: (making stupid laser noises)

        NARRATOR: The moment the reversed beam struck the satellite, it
                instantly exploded into millions of crystal shards

ALL: (Skexis voices) A GELFLING! A GELFLING!

[Referring to the 80's movie "The Dark Crystal", from Jim Henson.  Skexis
were the bad guys; Gelflings were the benign elf-kids prophesied to
bring down the Skexis' rule, which is why they panicked at the sight of
one.]

        NARRATOR: And, using a fix from Megatron's last desparate
                instructions to his creation, Optimus Prime launched an
                all-out attack of Autobots on the Decepticon ground station.

DOUG: So, sending Skyfire was pointless.

PHIL: Yes.

DOUG: So, they hate Skyfire.

SIPHER: Yes.

        MEGATRON: Optimus Prime, you metallic nemesis!

PHIL: WHAT?!

ALL: (laughter)

        MEGATRON: One day I will remove the yoke of your existence from
                around my neck!

SIPHER: I am not your broom! I've had enough, I'm throwing off my chains
        of servitude!

[From They Might Be Giants' song "I Am Not Your Broom", a silly little ditty.]

        SOUNDWAVE: Master, quickly! Into the turbine mole machine!
        NARRATOR: Megatron and Soundwave drove deep into the Earth in their
                escape, leaving only the tailings of the borehole and
                destruction behind them for the first Autobot scouts to find.

PHIL: A boring hole. Yep, that's Megatron!

        NARRATOR: But, the battle continues...

SIPHER: Wasn't that the tagline to "Rocks 'N' Bugs 'N' Things"?

[One of many short-lived yet disgusting toylines of the mid-80's. These
featured... well, rocks and bugs that with a press of a button revealed
themselves to be horrific monsters with names like "Blooderfly" that popped
little critters called "gremblings" or somesuch into their mouths. Sipher
always found the line highly disturbing.]

        (fade out, copyright info)

DOUG: So what about the giant death-lava headed for the coast? Aren't they
        gonna try and stop THAT?

PHIL: Who cares?

DOUG: Hmm. Good point.

        NARRATOR: Now it's time for your next Transformers story. Just like
                before...

SIPHER: It will suck.

[Just a quick note: the audience was about ready to lynch the crew when
they found out they were stuck watching *both* episodes on the video.]

        NARRATOR: ..with the words at the bottom of the screen. O.K. now.
                Here we go with WHEN CONTINENTS COLLIDE.

DOUG: WHEN JEWS ATTACK.

[From an article by the vastly popular newpaper parody "The Onion", about
Fox's latest "reality TV" show coming under fire, with footage of Jews
attacking people.  Doug mentioned that only he could have gotten away with
saying this line.]

        (shot of a caribou eating on a snowy field)
        NARRATOR: At first, the sound was barely perceptible and the herd of
                caribou paid no attention.

PHIL: Until Godzilla's foot came crashing down.

[Referring to the short cartoon about "Bambi vs. Godzilla" by Marv Newland.
It ends decidely in the giant lizard's favor.]

        NARRATOR: ...near the isolated pump-relay station on the Alaska
                Pipeline. But the sound grew, and with it, what was only a
                speck on the horizon

SIPHER: Was Sir Launcelot on his way to Swamp Castle.

[From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".  Ni!]

        NARRATOR: It was a hovercraft oil transporter that was bigger than
                two hundred supertankers put together.

DOUG: Which is... four hundred mediocretankers.

        (Shot of Megatron and Soundwave in the command room of the tanker)
        NARRATOR: ... the evil Decepticon leader, observing the docking with
                his cold, stony stare and realizing full well how valuable this
                oil transporter, stolen from the Earthlings,

PHIL: The gigantic hovering supertanker just the right scale for forty-
        foot alien robots. Stolen from the humans.

        NARRATOR: Huge pilings emerged from the belly of the undercraft

ALL: EYUUUUUWWW!!!

        NARRATOR: ... down to the frozen soil below.
        SOUNDWAVE: Stabilize now and shutting down power,
        NARRATOR: Soundwave said.
        MEGATRON: Can the idle chatter

SIPHER: Is he talking to us?

DOUG: No, the narrator.

SIPHER: Ah.

        NARRATOR: The big fans revolved to a stop.
        MEGATRON: Well, where's the contact?

PHIL: (Megatron) My allergies are killing me!

[Contac was a brand of medication to control allergy symptoms.]

        MEGATRON: ... carbon-based slime who helped us steal the
                transporter and who has now agreed to aid us in siphoning off
                tons of this Prudhoe Bay crude? ... I don't know why I'm
                bothering.

SIPHER: (Megatron) The Autobots are just gonna wreck this anyway. I'm
        going home to watch Oprah.

        MEGATRON: ... for a direct tap into the line itself.
        SOUNDWAVE: Master, I think your original reasoning is still the most
                valid plan of action.
        MEGATRON: My original reasoning?
        SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron... by bribing this Earthling we will
                have an ally, one who will allow us to return here
                repeatedly and drain load after load of oil without anyone
                else being all the wiser.

DOUG: Until somebody notices the GIANT SUPERTANKER and that a few thousand
    tons of OIL are MISSING!

        NARRATOR: Giant winches ground powerfully, a gangway clanged open,
                and a ramp extended down to the ground. A huge loading hose
                snaked out of its port and was grabbed by two Decepticons

SIPHER: Who were such low-level schmucks they didn't deserve color.

PHIL: No, those are the limited-edition Takara white recolors.

[Takara, normally known for making limited-edition versions of toys in
either black or clear, has made several Mini-Cons in all-white, used in a
"Paint Your Own Scheme" contest.  Before that, they had ultra-rare,
all-white versions of their J-original Headmasters (Lione, Shuffler, Kirk,
etc.)]

        NARRATOR: ... glanced briefly at the transporter, then turned and
                went back inside.
        MEGATRON: That fool is valuable to us only so long as he is useful,

PHIL: Uh, yeah, that's usually how that works.

        MEGATRON: And when he is no longer...
        SOUNDWAVE: I understand, master.

DOUG: I GET it, Captain Obvious.

        MEGATRON: ... that induced this betrayal of his people?
        SOUNDWAVE: A desire for a new jeep, mighty Megatron.

PHIL: The Deceps get the universe, he gets a jeep. What a deal.

        NARRATOR: ... the Decepticons were totally unaware that they were
                being infiltrated

SIPHER: Uh...

        NARRATOR: by an undercover Autobot spy. It was Hound, in his earthly
                mode as a jeep.

SIPHER: Is it worth asking HOW this little mission was rigged?

DOUG: No.

        SOUNDWAVE: But, master, if we...
        MEGATRON: I have no more patience! I want it all... now!

SIPHER: (Daffy Duck) ME ME ME MINE MINE MINE! WOO HOO! WOO HOO!

[Another Daffy Duck reference, this one specifically from "Ali Baba
Bunny."  Bugs and Daffy find a room full of treasure, and Daffy tries to
claim it all for his own little self.]

        MEGATRON: ... every drop of that lovely black juice to bathe their
                gears and fuel their engines! Total domination of the universe
                cannot wait on fools!
        SOUNDWAVE: (apologetic) Yes, mighty Megatron.

DOUG: I'm getting a real Smithers/Burns vibe, here.

[Montgomery Burns and Wayland Smithers from "The Simpsons".  Smithers is
Burns's "Yes Man" to the ultimate degree.]

        NARRATOR: As the enraged Earthling rushed out of the relay station,
                waving frantically to stop the speed-up, Megatron roared with
                laughter...
        (Shot of Megatron shooting the human)

PHIL: WHOA!

        NARRATOR: ... then flattened him with an ion stun field from his
                fusion cannon.

PHIL: Oh. Wimp.

        NARRATOR: Farther south, in Valdez, Alaska,

DOUG: Captain Hazelwood was having his sixth rum and Coke.

[In the actual presentation, this line was accidentally left out, but keep
reading.]

        NARRATOR: ... the oil flow slowed to a trickle... then stopped. The
                oil company immediately sent out emergency signals,
        (Shot of an Autobot viewscreen, where a guy is talking into a very
        old-style microphone)

PHIL: ... to Eliot Ness and his team of G-Men.

[Referencing the series "The Untouchables".  The guy's mike seems to come
straight out of the '30s, when the series took place.  The late Robert
Stack, voice actor of Ultra Magnus in the movie, played Eliot Ness in the
TV series.]

        PROWL: Chief, the Decepticons have finally broken cover,
        NARRATOR: Prowl informed Optimus Prime, the brave and wise Autobot
                leader.
        OPTIMUS: Excellent work, Prowl.

DOUG: Way to sit and watch TV.

        PROWL: Somewhere along the Alaska Pipeline.
        OPTIMUS: That's the best you can do? The pipeline is hundreds of
                miles long!
        PROWL: With the sketchy information at hand, chief, I'm lucky to...

SIPHER: With the sketchy way I'm drawn, chief, I'm lucky to reach this
        console!

        PROWL: Yes, it's Hound's signal, coming in strong and clear.
        NARRATOR: Above the Arctic Circle, the enormous oil transporter
                skimmed swiftly northward over the ice, its hoverfans
                thundering and throwing up

PHIL: LIKE THE REST OF US.

        NARRATOR: Skyfire, the Autobot superjet

DOUG: Was sent out to get his butt kicked again.

        NARRATOR: ... reported it sighting of the Decepticon hovercraft to
                headquarters.
        OPTIMUS: Commence attack!
        NARRATOR: Optimus Prime ordered over the command frequency. The
                superjet dove quickly, catching the Decepticons by
                surprise, and unleashing a hail of heat-seeking missiles
                and null-rays.
        MEGATRON: That sneaking Autobot [pronounced "auto-butt"]

SIPHER: Auto-butt?!

        MEGATRON: Retaliate immediately!

DOUG: (Megatron) Deploy the spanking machine!

        NARRATOR: ... but Skyfire managed to avaoid every blast.

PHIL: Because Megatron aims about as good as Shaquille O'Neal.

[Shaquille O'Neal plays NBA basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers and is a
horrible free-throw shooter.]

        SOUNDWAVE: According to their transmissions, mighty Megatron, the
                jet has only enough fuel to remain over the target for a
                few more minutes!

SIPHER: JEEZ.

       NARRATOR: But those few minutes were long enough for Skyfire

SIPHER: - to make out his WILL. HOW many suicide missions is this putz
       gonna GO on?!

       NARRATOR: ... they ripped through the transport from stem to stern.

DOUG: (Howard Stern voice) Dis is Howard Stern. Blast off yer top.

[L.A. shock-jock Howard Stern is well known for having female guests on his
show who are generally willing to reveal their assets.  Even if they aren't,
he'll goad them like this.]

       NARRATOR: ... and fused into useless lumps of metal. The huge ship
               bellied in hard on the ice.
       MEGATRON: May rust attack every joint in their miserable metal
               bodies!
       NARRATOR: Megatron roared.

       SOUNDWAVE: We'd better abandon ship, master!
       NARRATOR: Soundwave urged. Outnumbered, and with common sense the
               better part of valor,

SIPHER: And because it was Tuesday and he forgot to set the tape for
        "Frasier" and because he's a BIG FRIGGIN' COWARD.

       MEGATRON: Activate the hyper-thrust afterburners!
       NARRATOR: Megatron ordered.
       MEGATRON: Fire!
       NARRATOR: It was a foolish consumption of precious fuel,

PHIL: Heh.

       NARRATOR: but necessary for escape from their Autobot pursuers...

PHIL: Wait. How does THAT work?

SIPHER: And isn't Skyfire out of gas?

DOUG: Daddy, what's VietNam?

       NARRATOR: Once again, the Decepticons had eluded the righteous
               grasp of their Autobot pursuers

DOUG: (surfer) RIGHTEOUS!

PHIL: (surfer) EXCELLENT!

SIPHER: (surfer) And you were like WHOAH! And we were all like WHOAH! And
      then you were WHOAH.

[From "Finding Nemo", one of the best movies of 2003.  See it NOW.]

       NARRATOR: they had escaped capture and disappeared into the vast
               frozen reaches at the top of the planet Earth.

PHIL: Top o' th' planet, Ma!

[Riff on James Cagney's classic "Top o' the world, Ma!" from the climax of
1949's "White Heat".]

      NARRATOR: In the dimness of the Autobot communications center,

DOUG: The dimmest Autobots sat around.

       NARRATOR: Prowl studied one monitor carefully as Optimus Prime
               stood at his shoulder.

SIPHER: Oh no. The Autobots have found internet porn.

       PROWL: I can't tell... it may have just been an isolated blip.

DOUG: What about Jan and Jayce?

[Reference to the original "Space Ghost" cartoon, in which his sidekicks
were teen siblings Jan and Jayce and their pet monkey Blip.]

       PROWL: But I'm never going to be able to do this if you insist on
            hovering over me, chief.

PHIL: And spinning your head around, vomitting pea soup.

[A reference to "The Exorcist".]

       OPTIMUS: We sent up that sensor drone days ago. The Decepticons are
              out there somewhere!
       PROWL: We'll find them, chief, and remember,

SIPHER: Knowing is half the- oh, sorry.

[The brief PSAs that aired at the end of every episode of "G.I. Joe" always
ended with the line "Now I know!"  "And knowing is half the battle!"]

       OPTIMUS: Well, losing that oil transporter and its fuel load should
              have slowed down the Decepticons.

DOUG: And half this continent. No WONDER gas prices are so high.

       NARRATOR: Meanwhile, hidden deep in an ice cave

SIPHER: You farging ice-cave!

[Reference to Richard Dimitri's English-mangling character Roman Murone
from the gangster film parody "Johnny Dangerously".  At one point he
slings the insult "Fargin' icehole!"]

       NARRATOR: ...in his northernmost systems-development center and
               fuel refinery.
       MEGATRON: Well, Soundwave?
       NARRATOR: he demanded.
       MEGATRON: How soon will it be ready? And I don't want to hear any
               more excuses!

PHIL: (Megatron) Is it SOUP yet?!

       SOUNDWAVE: Remember, this is a highly sophisticated piece of
                machinery we've stolen from the Earthlings

SIPHER: So figure on someone writing incredibly revisionist self-insertion
	fanfic about its relationship with you.

[Another Nightbird joke.  We're being mean again.]

       SOUNDWAVE: And we've made it even more sophisticated by adding
                external laser-powered drilling capability!

DOUG: And heated seats, Bose CD sound system and Cadillac's patented
     Northstar system.

       NARRATOR: Easily withstanding the frigid temperature and crushing
               pressure at the vast depths beneath the Arctic Ocean,
               Megatron's monster transporter clawed its way across the sea
               bed. Soundwave monitored the computer analyzer and listened
               intently to the sonar probe returning its data. He looked up
               and announced,

SIPHER: I'm pregnant. It's a boy.

       SOUNDWAVE: This is the perfect spot to begin drilling operations.
                It's the reservoir's lowest point, so all the oil will flow
                back here as we siphon off, putting less stress on our
                suction drives.

ALL: NO COMMENT.

       MEGATRON: Commence drilling immediately!
       NARRATOR: The huge drilling arm telescoped out fro its travel lock,
               and the enormous suction tubes piggybacked it like some
               overgrown sea serpent. Then there was a blinding flash

ALL: (singing) AA-AAH! SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE! (Guitar noises)

[Theme song to the 1980 movie "Flash Gordon".  Written and performed by
Queen.]

       NARRATOR: Far above, the oil pressure on the hundreds of oil rigs
               in the Prudhoe Bay field began dropping.
       (Shot of a rig worker who seems to be wearing makeup)

SIPHER: Transvestites across the rigs panicked!

       NARRATOR: Once again the Valdez terminus ran dry.

PHIL: (drunkenly) How dry I aaaaammm...

[Phil could never really sing drunkenly, so he changed this to the Captain
Hazelwood reference instead.]

       NARRATOR: ...at the headquarters of all the world's oil companies.

ALL: (Reacting in horror to a zoom-in on a guy's face on-screen)

       NARRATOR: Soon, a real reason for panic arose.

DOUG: Hasbro announced that the 2005 toyline wouldn't be Victory with
	ball-joints!

["Victory" was a late 80's Japanese-only Transformers line that featured
some cool looking toys but very limited articulation.  It being Japanese,
however, had some fans swearing up and down that it was the Best Thing
Ever.  So this is more of a joke at the expense of fans rather than
"Victory".]

       NARRATOR: The reservoir, practically drained of all its oil, began
               collapsing in on itself. This was followed by huge sections
               of continental plates shifting and starting to move
               together.

SIPHER: (singing) C'mon, baby, Continental Motion!

PHIL: ARGH!

[Take off of the old hit "The Locomotion".]

       NARRATOR: A huge crack opened from the Arctic Ocean to the Yukon
               and the icy waters rushed in. Volcanoes, long dormant,
               erupted on both sides of the Pacific Ocean.

DOUG: In less time than it takes for some jackass to post stolen prototypes
    on Ebay.

[Over the past few years, more and more stolen toy prototypes have appeared
on Ebay or on other websites.  With regard to Transformers, many of the
BotCon/OTFCC exclusives have appeared months prior to the conventions and
spoiled the surprise.  Glen Hallit doesn't like it.  Neither do the MSTF
staff.  So boycott any site that posts pictures of stolen merchandise.]

       NARRATOR: With the enormous loss and destruction, both Russia and
               the West looked to place blame,

SIPHER: On France.

       NARRATOR: each certain that the other had caused this catastrophe
               for their own ends.

PHIL: Not exactly Dr. Strangelove, is it?

[The 1964 Stanley Kubrick movie that deals with a crazy USA Colonel
who mistakenly launches a nuclear missile at the USSR.  The USSR premier
then tells the US that if the missile hits, it will trigger a "Doomsday
Device" that will destroy all plant and animal life on earth.]

       NARRATOR: and the world stood on the brink of thermo-nuclear war.
               The entire fuel supply of the planet was threatened with
               radioactive contamination!

DOUG: Uh, what about the PEOPLE?!

SIPHER: It's those smart-nukes that leave people standing but sugar your
       gas tank, Doug.

       NARRATOR: All Autobot eyes were on Optimus Prime. Only his vast
               knowledge and resources could stop the disaster threatening
               planet Earth - a disaster that was very much like the one
               that had befallen his beloved Cybertron.

SIPHER: Plate tectonics?

PHIL: Communism?

DOUG: Avril Lavinge?

[Avril is a pop singer that became famous in 2002/2003.  Like many pop
singers these days, her songs are heavily processed and whether she has
any real talent is debatable.]

       PROWL: No, chief. The underwater sensor drone can work only so
            fast.

PHIL: Plus we're incredibly STUPID.

       OPTIMUS: But I have an idea... a solution...

DOUG: Send Skyfire on another suicide run!

       PROWL: What's that, chief?
       OPTIMUS: Liquified razon gas.

ALL: (Sounds of agreement, followed by) HUH?!

       NARRATOR: Optimus Prime continued.
       OPTIMUS: In its liquid state, razon possesses a greater density
              than crude oil. Therefore, if we pump it into the empty
              reservoir, it will force the oil now in the Decepticon
              transporter back into the reservoir and restore the Earth's
              geography to its former state.

PHIL: RIGHT.

       PROWL: And its liquid half-life is only a matter of hours. Then it
            becomes a gas again!

SIPHER: Razon as a gas is a gas!

PHIL: STOP IT.

[A pun on the song "Grazin' in the Grass", by The Friends of Distinction.
It contains the line "Grazin' in the grass is a gas, baby can you dig it?"]

       OPTIMUS: a gas that should force that Decepticon oil guzzler to the
              surface of the ocean to face...
       PROWL: (excited) Our missiles!

SIPHER: (REALLY excited) Oh goody GOODY!

[Though it's really more of a generic comment on Prowl's excitement, the
line is delivered as a reference to comedian James Gregory. In a series
where he talks about airline mishaps, he brings up a flight where the
landing gear was stuck and the plane had to belly-in. One of the
passengers was interviewed later, saying "Actually, it was kinda fun!", to
which James replied "RIGHT. You know and I know that when that plane was
up there at 30,000 feet going 500 miles an hour, and the pilot comes over
the PA and says 'Now look here, y'all.... We ain't got no wheels.', you
know that guy was up there going 'Oh goody GOODY!'"]

       SOUNDWAVE: I'm trying, master! I'm trying!
       NARRATOR: Soundwave exclaimed as he pushed and pulled every
               combination of buttons and levers that were available to
               him.

ALL: UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START.

[The famous "Konami Code".  In many games Konami released for the original
Nintendo Entertainment System, this code would get you extra lives or
more weapons or other cool stuff.]

       SOUNDWAVE: Surface in five seconds, master!
       MEGATRON: You blundering tape-filled idiot!
       SOUNDWAVE: It's the gas, mighty Megatron!

PHIL: I KNEW we shouldn't have eaten Taco Bell before we left!

       MEGATRON: Reasons are excuses! I want results!
       SOUNDWAVE: We're surfaced now, mighty Megatron!
       MEGATRON: Arrgghhh!

DOUG: That three-bean salad's talking back!

       NARRATOR: Optimus Prime waited for Megatron to make his move, but
               there was only silence from the floating oil transporter.

SIPHER: Can we shoot missiles now? Canwecanwecanwecanwe?!

       NARRATOR: However, an Autobot boarding party encountered a time-
               delay booby trap attached to the deck hatchway.

PHIL: Killing many while Optimus sat back in base drinking cocoa.

       NARRATOR: Inside the transporter, the other Autobots discovered
               that the Decepticon command module pod was gone.

SIPHER: Aaaah, they stole the ship from Dr. Wily.

PHIL: HAH! TOLD you he couldn't get through all this without a MegaMan
     reference! Pay up!

(Doug grumbles and hands Phil some money.)

SIPHER: Hey.

[Sipher is a huge MegaMan fan and very knowledgable on the subject.  In
fact, he's written several guides for recent MegaMan video games and has
more on the way.]

       NARRATOR: But he had left his message across the screen of an
               idling computer monitor whose voice readout kept repeating,

ALL: EAT AT JOE'S. EAT AT JOE'S. EAT AT JOE'S.

       NARRATOR: And the battle continues...

PHIL: Wait, it's not over?!

(Wails of anguish)

OFFSTAGE: **LIGHTS!**

 - LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -

***************************************************************************
FINAL SKIT: WE LOVE AL
***************************************************************************

(Music played by Phil on keyboards begins... it's "The Touch" from the TF
Movie soundtrack. Sipher is ready to sing, and as the opening phrase comes
to an end...)

SIPHER: You've got the touaack *cough cough gag choke*

PHIL: Let's try something else.

(Phil plays a small piano intro and counts Sipher in.)

"ARMADA TOYLINE"

[A lyrical adaption of "American Pie" by Don McLean.]

VERSE 1: A long, long time ago
         I can still remember how
         I'd rush home and watch this show.
         I'd see the logo on the screen
         And I'd watch the battle go on between
         The good and evil robots trading blows.

         So through the years, I bought the toys,
         Even though they were just for "boys".
         And as I grew older,
         My purchases grew bolder.

         It's now been almost twenty years
         And yet I ignore all the jeers
         That come from non-collecting peers.
         As I still buy my toys.

         I
REFRAIN: Buy, buy this Armada toyline.
         Get those robots -- and some Go-Bots -- they will be all mine.
         And Happy Meal Toys; on french fries I will dine
         Saying "Any Transformer is fine; any Transformer is fine."


VERSE 2: After G1, beasts were the craze
         Some people called them a stupid phase;
         They were stuck in G1 times.
         "Hasbro's wants to just make a buck
         "Prime's no MUNKY -- he's a TRUKK!"
         They screamed out their loud complains and whines

         I ignored them after a while
         Because the show did make me smile
         The best part, I confess,
         Was Megatron's "No" and "Yesssssssssssssss"

         He was slick right from the start
         Dinobot showed lots of heart
         And Waspy was always blown apart
         And I bought all their toys.

         Yet now I
REFRAIN: Buy, buy this Armada toyline.
         Get those robots -- and some Go-Bots -- they will be all mine.
         And Happy Meal Toys; on french fries I will dine
         Saying "Any Transformer is fine; any Transformer is fine."


VERSE 3: After the beasts had run their course
         We got vehicles in force
         I got a sense of deja vu.
         It was the 'Bots versus the 'Cons --
         Hadn't this already been done?
         As G1 or even G2?

         The cartoon seemed to be a bore;
         Canon was shoved right out the door.
         Yet there was one bright spark
         In a goofy, singing shark.

         "Who's the baddest shark around?
         "Who's the smartest shark in town?"
         Sky-Byte never made me frown
         And yes, I have his toy.

         But now I
REFRAIN: Buy, buy this Armada toyline.
         Get those robots -- and some Go-Bots -- they will be all mine.
         And Happy Meal Toys; on french fries I will dine
         Saying "Any Transformer is fine; any Transformer is fine."


(Tempo slows down again.)

VERSE 4: As I look back through all the lines
         I'm reminded of the horrific time
         Back in 1986.
         I saw them all on the big screen,
         Then Unicron came on the scene
         And chewed them up like they were little sticks.

         In their seats, the children screamed.
         All that death -- they never dreamed
         That they'd watch all that croakin'
         And good old Prime was broken.

         So the robot I admired most --
         He died after Megsy's boast.
         But he'd be back like Starscream's ghost
         As a new robot toy.

         So now I
REFRAIN: Buy, buy this Armada toyline.
         Get those robots -- and some Go-Bots -- they will be all mine.
         And Happy Meal Toys; on french fries I will dine
         Saying "Any Transformer is fine; any Transformer is fine."

[Sipher points out the words on the piece of paper, indicating for the
audience to follow along.]

ALL: EVERYBODY SING!

         I buy, buy this Armada toyline.
         Get those robots -- and some Go-Bots -- they will be all mine.
         And Happy Meal Toys; on french fries I will dine
         Saying "Any Transformer is fine."

[Again, Doug and Sipher switched off doing lead vocals.  It went off
rather well, especially considering the first time the three of them had
tried singing the words was during the performance itself.  The MSTF
prides itself on keeping rehearsal time to a minimum.  Well, maybe not
pride, but it certainly seems to be a habit....]

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

***************************************************************************

 - CREDIT ROLL -

WRITTEN BY:
        Doug Dlin       Greg Sepelak	Jennifer Ulm
        Graham Weaver   Matt Kuphaldt   Matthew Greenbaum
        Benson Yee      David Willis	Robert A. Jung
        Philip N. Zeman


MUSIC PARODIES
        "SPEND"
        Music by Vince DiCola and Scott Shelly
        Words by Greg Sepelak

        "ARMADA TOYLINE"
        Music by Don McLean
        Words by Philip N. Zeman


MUSIC CREDITS
        Music from "The Matrix" by Don Davis
        "Evil Plans of Planet Spectra" by Man Or Astro-Man?
        "Oddball" written by Frank Black
        Performed by Mono Puff Syndicate


SPECIAL THANKS TO
        Bill and Kelly: For running equipment for this foolishness.
        The OTFCC Guests: For understanding this foolishness.
        3H and Hasbro: For allowing this foolishness.
        You: For sitting through this foolishness.


HEAD ODDBALL
        Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak


ODD HEADBALL (?)
        Philip N. Zeman


        PROWL: (excited) Our missiles!


THE END
Copyright 2003 King Weasel Productions with SkyJammer Enterprises


 - DEDICATION -

Full Script
Opening Skit Episode 1 Second Skit Episode 2
Third Skit Episode 3 Fourth Skit Episode 4
Closing Skit and Credits Bonus: Full "Armada Toyline" Lyrics
Main Page