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MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script
The Full Script
MSTF 6: THE MUSICAL
OTFCC 2003
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
Annotations by Philip N. Zeman and the MSTF Staff
- SCREEN FADE TO BLACK -
(Each paragraph is on its own "page" in white text on solid black. Think
the very opening of "Dogma")
The opinions expressed in this presentation are not necessarily those of
3H Productions, LLC. or Hasbro Inc, who claim no responsibility for its
content.
Though to be honest, the opinions expressed in this presentation are
probably not too far off from 3H's opinions, and Hasbro probably doesn't
care.
In fact, we're willing to bet that the opinions here are pretty close to
the opinions of most of the people in this room right now.
We mean, you all KNOW this is a presentation devoted to taking stuff that
takes itself WAY too seriously and making it less so, right?
Right?
And we hope that you're all rational and mature enough to realize this is
all done in harmless jest, and not get offended because we happen to be
making fun of something you like. We're making fun of things we like too.
We're making fun of ourselves, and not even getting PAID for it. Just
because we don't believe in sacred cows doesn't mean there's any malice
behind this.
Okay, maybe a little malice. "Aerial Assault" is the kind of episode you
want to slap once or twice, really hard.
Where were we?
Uhhh...
Aw, crap. Just start the stupid thing.
- OPENING TITLES -
- "Evil Plans of Planet Spectra" by Man Or Astro-Man?
***************************************************************************
OPENING SKIT: SPEND
***************************************************************************
- PAUSE TAPE, LIGHTS UP -
(Music played by Phil on keyboards begins... it's "Dare" from the TF Movie
soundtrack. But the words are different. Sipher begins to sing, with Phil
and Doug providing backings where appropriate...)
Sometime in the year 2003
Deep in Chicago
To a Transformers' con you're goin'
What your parents think has never mattered
Nor friends who said you were lame
The fire in your wallet is growin'!
You can buy clear red T-AI from Fumihiko and crew
Why not some DiCola CDs, too?
SPEND! This is what you've been saving for
You can hold Grand Max in your hands!
SPEND! Get out there on the dealer floor
Toys from foreign lands
Can be yours if you SPEND!
Everybody's trying to take your money
And leave you with crap
Like the latest from WebDiver
Wait a sec, you thought you had more moolah
You thought you had a hundred
Guess that was a fifty, not a fiver!
Out of the hotel you go to the ATM
Looks like ramen for a month again!
SPEND! Who cares if your bills are overdue!
You gotta have all those PVCs!
SPEND! Although your home loan won't go through!
Buy junk from overseas
To get the chase you must SPEND!
(spoken)
Okay, so I got two of each of the convention-exclusive toys, because you
HAVE to keep one in the box because they're gonna be hyper-valuable one
day, right? So there's that, and I just found out that the British release
of Transmetal 2 Megatron's red chrome is a tiny fraction more towards
"cherry red" than either the US and Japanese versions that I already own,
so I HAVE to buy that! So sixteen Brazilian Minibots, a Ghost Starscream
and one Action Master Elite later, I'm back at my room with all my new
toys. A few thousand down, no love in my life, but I just gotta get back
out there and...
(back to singing...)
SPEND! Dammit you must own Takotank!
Toys are your one true love in life!
SPEND! Transmetal Arcee might break the bank
But she's the closest you'll have to a real wife!
SPEND! So you own thirteen Scorponoks!
You just gotta prove you're a real fan!
SPEND! A Benjamin for Rally's Rhinox
Say "hi" for me to the repo man!
(slows down dramatically)
Spend, but before you go blow your wad
Stay here and join the misery
Sit, and watch "Cosmic Rust", oh God...
Watch the mockery...
Then get the hell out there and SPEND!
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
[At the actual performance, Vince DiCola agreed to play backup keyboards
with Phil playing main piano. Phil didn't know about this until the night
before it happened....
Also, it became apparent that this song was out of Sipher's range, even in
a lower key, so Doug filled in on backups and then main vocals for some
portions.]
- LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -
- "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #1 -
Drink ARCEE COLA
"Foresee the death of your thirst!"
***************************************************************************
EPISODE ONE: TRANSFORMERS - COSMIC RUST
***************************************************************************
(Astrotrain flying through space)
RUMBLE: (vo) Astrotrain! Look out for those asteroids!
DOUG: Look out! Flying Saucer!
[From the old arcade game "Asteroids".]
(They approach an orange planet with a huge glowing yellow Autobot
sigil on its side)
ASTROTRAIN: Well, fry my heat shields...
PHIL: Who are you, Astrosemite Sam?
SIPHER: (Yosemite Sam) Ah HATES that petro-rabbit.
[Yosemite Sam is a well-known Warner Brothers cartoon character known for
his Southern sayings, which Astrotrain seems to have picked up.]
(inside Astrotrain, Rumble, Starscream and Megatron look at their
consoles)
STARSCREAM: Our sensors show no sign of life.
MEGATRON: Exercise caution. They may be deceiving our sensors.
SIPHER: But... if they were HIDING, they wouldn't slap a huge glowing
Autobot sigil the size of a CONTINENT on the side of the planet!
(Astrotrain lands)
RUMBLE: It sure looks like a ghost planet.
DOUG: (Rumble) I'm gonna say hi to Zorak and Moltar while I'm here.
[From "Space Ghost Coast to Coast", natch.]
MEGATRON: It's not like the Autobots to leave a whole city to decay.
PHIL: Wasteful stupidity is OUR schtick!
(They approach a huge spire.)
STARSCREAM: It's covered with inscriptions!
SIPHER: For... good time... call... Night...
(Starscream starts to work one of the consoles at the spire)
MEGATRON: Starscream! Keep your cruddy fingers off that, it could be
a booby trap!
STARSCREAM: What trap?! This is a prehistoric communication device,
you uneducated dolt!
PHIL: (Starscream) I'm CALLING that number!
(A beam of light shoots from the top of the spire... the Decepticons
move backwards... and a hologram of an old robot, almost
completely covered in rust appears)
HOLOGRAM: If Cybertron be home... far away, never roam! Hear my
message, listen in fear! Danger comes, the end is near!
PHIL: Well, now we know where Wheelie came from.
DOUG: So Cosmic Rust is a GOOD thing!
[Wheelie is from "Transformers: The Movie", and he always spoke in rhymes.
The fact that most fans seem to hate him is why Cosmic Rust would be a good
thing, if it were to destroy him.]
HOLOGRAM: ... all shall be turned... to dust...
SIPHER: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...
[The song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas]
RUMBLE: Sounded like a... a curse!
ASTROTRAIN: He's right. The omens are ill.
SIPHER: (Miss Cleo) Call me now, honeychile!
[Miss Cleo was known for her telephone psychic "help". If she could
really have seen omens, she'd have known she'd be busted for scamming
people.]
(Megatron barges past them)
MEGATRON: ... it's an obvious trick designed to scare us off!
STARSCREAM: Megatron's right. Where there's a curse on the door...
there's treasure on the other side!
DOUG: And horrible, agonizing death.
(They enter a dark room... and see a metal statue of an insect)
STARSCREAM: How CUTE... a lightning bug!
ASTROTRAIN: If that's a lightning bug, I'd sure hate to meet up with
a dragonfly!
PHIL: Or a donkeyfly.
SIPHER: Eeee.
[Referring to the animated movie "Shrek".]
(Starscream runs up the podium, grips the tall statue with a spread-
legged stance, and grunts as he tries to lift it)
PHIL: No, no -- lift with your legs, not your back!
SIPHER: (weakly) Ow, my spleen...
[In the actual presentation, the onscreen visuals were more than enough to
get a laugh. Doug tried to say "We had lines here, folks, but it's just not
worth it," but the general laughter drowned him out.]
MEGATRON: Stand aside, weaklings!
(Close up of Megatron... um... grunting)
SIPHER & DOUG: I'LL show you how to schtupp a bug!
(The bug lights up... then fires a beam right through the ceiling,
energy pouring into the sky)
PHIL: Shouldn't have shut down the containment unit.
[From "Ghostbusters". When Mr. Peck orders the power to the ghost
containment unit to be shut down, the ghost energy builds up and explodes
through the roof of the building, much like what we see here.]
(The energy fades, and the bug stops glowing... overhead shot of the
Decepticons through the hole in the ceiling...)
ASTROTRAIN: Vaporized...
DOUG: Sanitized.
PHIL: Pasteurized.
SIPHER: No, just up to my knees.
[An old joke. Person walks into a store, asks for many gallons of milk.
"Why do you need so much milk?" "My doctor told me to take a milk bath
for my dry skin." "Pasteurized?" "No, just up to my knees."]
MEGATRON: How ironic!
ALL: IRONIC!
DOUG: Everybody DRINK!
(All three lift glasses and take a swig)
[Just a statement about how Megatron seems to use that word more often
than Alanis Morrisette.]
(Symbol transition... Astrotrain takes off)
RUMBLE: Sure glad we're out of there. That place was giving me the
surges!
SIPHER: That drink tastes like goat urine anyway.
["Surge", the drink known for its... unique taste and color. And the
commercials where people chase after it for no reason after someone
shouts "Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrge!"]
(Astrotrain speeds into space... and a blue asteroid follows him)
DOUG: Ummm...
MEGATRON: Faster, Astrotrain! We've got an asteroid on our tail!
PHIL: Have you tried TURNING?
(Megatron is behind the bug again...)
SIPHER: Man, Meggy sure loves that bug.
DOUG: Just call it Herbie.
["The Love Bug" was a Disney movie from the 1960's that featured a
temperamental VW Beetle named "Herbie".]
(A bolt of bug-energy shoots out from Astrotrain, detonating the
asteroid.)
SIPHER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA boom!
[From the Radio Free Cybertron reading of Deathasauras's "Ravage Three
Bodies Evolution Fanfic". If you don't know, don't ask.]
(Astrotrain is pelted with debris)
ASTROTRAIN: I'm hit! Damage extreme, but holding!
(A fragment of asteroid breaks through the hull, and imbeds itself in
Megatron's shoulder)
DOUG: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?
[From Matt "Yartek" Marshall's parodized version of the first Armada
mini-comic that came packed with the toys. He rewrote Hot Shot to be
some savant that spoke with a large font.]
(Sigil transition... the Decepticons' underwater base)
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain will be laid up for weeks until replacement
parts are manufactured!
(Megatron is lying on a repair table)
MEGATRON: Forget Astrotrain! It is ME who must be attended to!
DOUG: Ahh, that Decepticon brotherly love.
PHIL: The type of love that makes you want to shove the wounded out of a
shuttle into deep space....
[See "Transformers: The Movie"]
MEGATRON: Now GET that asteroid chunk OUT of me!
(Starscream smiles... his hand retracts into his sleeve, replaced
with a claw)
SIPHER: Nice.
(Starscream grips the fragment with the claw, puts his other hand on
Megatron's shoulder and TUGS)
SIPHER: Great, what's next, leeches?
(Starscream tugs it free)
STARSCREAM: Unfortunately... the operation is successful.
PHIL: Oh, they were playing Operation!
DOUG: Well, Megs' nose didn't light up, so Starscream gets to draw another
card.
[An old board game where players would draw cards to see what bone to remove
from a drawing of a person. If the tweezers used hit the person, the
person's nose would light up, and the player's turn would be over.]
MEGATRON: What is this on my chest hole?
STARSCREAM: It looks like some sort of... russssssssst.
DOUG: You don't ssssssssssay.
MEGATRON: We're rust-proof!
STARSCREAM: Perhaps you were made of shoddy materials, Megatron!
SIPHER: Ths scene is gonna end in a kiss, isn't it?
(Sigil transition... inside a museum, a big crowd is gathered in
front of a stage with NATIONAL SCIENCE ACHEIVEMENT overhead)
ANNOUNCER: Usually, our science achievement award goes to a human
being!
PHIL: (stoner) 'Cept for that year we got high and awarded it to the snack
machine in the lobby.
ANNOUNCER: ... Perceptor, the inventor of Corrostop!
(Perceptor walks onstage)
PERCEPTOR: Thank you very much! This is an honor and a privilege!
ANNOUNCER: Is it true that the Autobots plan to coat all the Earth's
great monuments with Corrostop?
PERCEPTOR: We'd like to, eventually.
DOUG: Except for the Eiffel Tower. To hell with THAT!
[Just three days before the performance, the Eiffel Tower actually caught
fire. Really.]
PERCEPTOR: As you know, Corrostop resists rust and corrosion!
PHIL: It'll work GREAT on Mount Rushmore!
[Mount Rushmore can't rust, it being made of rock, you see.]
(The announcer adjusts his glasses)
SIPHER: (squeaky noise at the glasses-adjust)
PERCEPTOR: Unfortunately, at this time, we only have enough
Corrostop to coat one monument; the Statue of Liberty.
SIPHER: Well, why not pick two SMALL monuments?
PERCEPTOR: ...so of course we wouldn't want the forumla to be
discovered by the Decepticons.
PHIL: So you'll just announce it to the entire world, then.
DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Him smart.
[Mo-Ron is an idiotic alien visitor from a "Freakazoid!" episode, voiced
by legendary comedian Stan Freeberg. And seriously; you'd assume that
this interview with Perceptor would be broadcast across the nation,
if not overseas, what with it dealing with a major national monument. So
it's rather dumb for him to announce it for everyone to hear.]
(Back at Decep HQ, Starscream walks in on Megatron)
STARSCREAM: ... your replacement part will be ready, as soon as they
get around to it.
MEGATRON: Replacing my chest won't be enough!
PHIL: I need hair plugs too!
MEGATRON: I need an EXPERT! Order the Stunticons to seize Perceptor
and bring him to me! DO AS I SAY!!! (cough hack)
SIPHER: THIS I COMMAHAAAACK COUGH ACKGL...
[Serpentor, the Cobra Emperor from Hasbro's "G.I. Joe" line, often
punctuated his commands with "THIS I COMMAND!"]
(Sigil transition)
(The Statue of Liberty... the Aerialbots come flying in)
SLINGSHOT: YAHOOOOOOO! Come on Aerialbots, we're gonna spray ol'
Lady Liberty!
DOUG: She has aphids.
(The Autobots are all over Liberty, spraying away)
SIPHER: Look! Jay Sherman's getting her armpit!
[A gag from "The Critic" cartoon series starring Jon Lovitz. A sequence
about cleaning up New York features the main character spraying Lady
Liberty's armpit with a gigantic deodorant bottle, suspended by helicopter.]
(Gears is spraying the torch... but he's colored purple)
DOUG: Hey! That's not Gears, it's a MALIGNUS!
[The Malignus were the badguys from the short-lived Brazilian Transformers
toyline. They were basically evil-looking recolors of Gears, Brawn and
Windcharger, up against the heroic Optimus team consisting of recolors of
Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, and "Bumper".]
(Out at sea... a ferryboat sails in... and the Stunticons are on it
in vehicle mode. They transform, poorly animated...)
PHIL: Geez, and people cried over Beast Machine's morph-like
transformations...
[Oh, they did.]
BREAKDOWN: ... I mean, we're taking over this boat! Snap TO it,
everybody, INTO THE CAPTAIN'S CABIN!
DOUG: A captain's cabin on a car ferry?
SIPHER: Why couldn't this happen on a Carnival Cruise?
(Perceptor is talking to a news crew)
PERCEPTOR: Corrostop will keep the Statue of Liberty safe from acid
rain! Or anything else that's harmful!
(Close-up on the female reporter, with long black hair and tinted
round glasses...)
SIPHER: It's the Baroness undercover!
[The Baroness from G.I. Joe looks quite similar to our reporter.]
PERCEPTOR: I must apologize, but I cannot reveal anything about the
compound.
(At sea, Wildrider is using a motorboat to tow a skiing Drag Strip)
WILDRIDER: Hey, fellows! Catch THIS wild action!
PHIL: (snob voice) I say, fellows...
(Wildrider curves sharply at the edge of the island, and Drag Strip
leaps up, transforming in midair and peeling out)
(The reporter turns... and lets out a LONG, squeaky scream...)
SIPHER: She's leaking air!
PERCEPTOR: A Stunticon!
(Drag Strip transforms back to robot mode, and holds up his pistol)
DRAG STRIP: Yoooou've got iiit! And heere's greetings from
Meegatrooon!
DOUG: So they recorded his lines on a 45, and played them back on a 33.
PHIL: A vinyl record joke. Man, do I feel old now.
(Motormaster, on top of the ferry, whirls a chain over his head and
swings, wrapping it around Perceptor, and yanking him into the ocean)
PERCEPTOR: (struggling) HELP! OPTIMUS!
(Optimus and Ironhide are staring at the Statue of Liberty)
SIPHER: The eternally vigilant Autobots.
(The reporter runs up)
REPORTER: (wooden) Optimus Prime, hurry! Perceptor's been captured!
PHIL: (mean) SOMEBODY got their girlfriend into the recording studio...
DOUG: (wincing) Ooooh.
(The Aerialbots fly off to search for Perceptor... leaving behind a
badly-rendered Liberty)
SIPHER: The Autobots even extended Liberty's arm!
(Meanwhile, Perceptor is being marched towards Blitzwing in jet mode)
BREAKDOWN: Move it, into the hold!
DEAD END: You've got an appointment with Megatron!
DOUG: Hope you brought your rubber gloves...
(Commercial break)
(Blitzwing takes off, flying past New York skyscrapers)
SLINGSHOT: There's Blitzwing!
(The Aerialbots fly past the same piece of scenery, looking really
huge doing so)
AIR RAID: And I'll bet my tailfin he's got Perceptor!
PHIL: I'll see your tailfin and raise you a stabilizer.
SIPHER: I'll see his tailfin and raise my lunch.
AIR RAID: Stay on his tail, Skydive!
(Fireflight zips around a church or something)
FIREFLIGHT: WHOA!
DOUG: Oh, MAN! I was really SCARED for a second there!
SIPHER: What?!
DOUG: Well, I'd just thought that I might have left my oven on back home
before coming here.
SIPHER: Oh.
DOUG: But then I remembered shutting it off.
SIPHER: Well, that's good.
(Over the ocean)
BLITZWING: Come in, Megatron! I have Perceptor, but the Aerialbots
are following me! Ready air defenses!
(The tower emerges from the water...)
PHIL: *Someone's* got tower envy....
(Dirge and Ramjet wheel out the lightning bug...)
BLITZWING: They're on my tail!
(The jets raise the bug's wings)
(The bug shoots out a bolt of lightning)
DOUG: Now there's a unique bug zapper.
PHIL: How ironic.
ALL: IRONIC!
SIPHER: Everybody DRINK!
(All three lift glasses and take a swig)
BLITZWING: Come a little closer, Aerialmoths, and get your wings
singed!
(Fireflight takes a hit and goes down in flames)
DOUG: So THAT'S why they call him Fireflight!
(Air Raid fires a quartet of missiles that are detonated by more bug
bursts, then he takes a hit.)
AIR RAID: Aaaaaaaa!
PHIL: Boom!
AIR RAID: It's some weird kind of heat ray! And it WORKS!
SIPHER: You expected them to use a NON-WORKING heat ray?
(The tower descends. Perceptor is shoved into the HQ...)
MEGATRON: (still seated, facing away from the camera) Welcome,
Perceptor... (cough)
PERCEPTOR: Please, dispense with the formalities.
PHIL: (Kranix) SPARE me this...
[From one of the Quintesson trials in "Transformers: The Movie".]
(Megatron turns... and is covered in brown spots)
SIPHER: Megatron forgot to wipe himself!
PHIL: Thank you, Walky.
[David "Walky" Willis has been known for his affinity for poop jokes.]
MEGATRON: ... to gain peace, in return for a favor!
PERCEPTOR: What sort of favor?
MEGATRON: Solve this little problem of mine...
DOUG: Here's some Depends, now lemme go, stinky.
PERCEPTOR: If you're serious about peace, Megatron, then begin by
surrendering your new weapon.
MEGATRON: If you cure me, the weapon is yours.
PERCEPTOR: (sigh) Very well...
PHIL: And you believe him WHY?
SIPHER: Yeah, next Megatron's gonna offer Perceptor some magic beans.
[From the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk".]
PERCEPTOR: (in microscope mode) You've been infected by a metallic
plague, Megatron.
MEGATRON: IMPOSSIBLE! Only organic forms of life can be infected by
disease!
DOUG: You brought him here because he knows more than ALL your troops, and
YOU'RE STILL GONNA ARGUE WITH HIS DIAGNOSIS?
PHIL: Mega-no-short-term-memory-tron.
PERCEPTOR: ... like the Black Plague did to humans. It's Cosmic
Rust!
(Cut to the bay with the bug...)
PERCEPTOR: This is what caused the problem. The asteroid that hit
you is covered in Cosmic Rust Germs!
SIPHER: So why aren't Astrotrain and Starscream infected? They both
touched the thing...
PERCEPTOR: ... and the germs have been feeding off an alien energy
source!
(He turns... walking towards the bug...)
PERCEPTOR: I sense energy... here!
MEGATRON: From my heat ray?
PERCEPTOR: Yes! It's making the disease spread faster!
DOUG: This episode is just a Public Service Announcement, isn't it?
SIPHER: Just say no to bugs?
PHIL & DOUG: AAARGH!
SIPHER: Abstain from pre-marital insects?
PHIL & DOUG: Stop it!
(Megatron's hand falls off as he rants)
MEGATRON: NOW SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
DOUG: Come on, let's give Megatron a hand.
(Phil starts clapping.)
SIPHER: I don't know either of you.
(Perceptor picks up Megatron's hand)
PERCEPTOR: Well, perhaps a few drops of this will help.
(He pours a little Corrostop out of a beaker onto the hand... and
it's all of a sudden better and shiny)
MEGATRON: What is that?
PERCEPTOR: I call it "Corrostop".
PHIL: Um, didn't you NOT want the Decepticons to know about this?
(Megatron grabs the beaker, pours some into his other hand, and wipes
it on his arm and face, removing the rust...)
SIPHER: So it patches holes, too.
MEGATRON: Decepticons... we are about to be CURED!
(sigil transition)
(in space... Cosmos flies in...)
COSMOS: Blaster, I have something terrible to report! There is no
more Ingredient X... anywhere!
DOUG: That bastard Utonium got the last of it!
[Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to
create the perfect little girl. But Professor Utonium accidently added an
extra ingredient to the concoction... CHEMICAL X. Thus, the Powerpuff Girls
were born!]
BLASTER: Prime's really gonna have the blues when he hears this
news! There's nowhere to shop for more Corrostop!
(sigil transition)
(At Autobot HQ, the Aerialbots are talking to Prime... Fireflight and
Air Raid are still smoldering.)
PHIL: Permission to put out the fire on my butt?
FIREFLIGHT: Yeah, and got blasted by this incredible heat ray!
(turns around) My tail got sizzled!
AIR RAID: Not to mention my wing! I need some spare parts right now!
OPTIMUS: This is grim news indeed.
SIPHER: My troops have started smoking.
(Megatron comes on the view screen, and he's all shiny.)
MEGATRON: Greetings, Optimus Prime! I come to you with a... gesture
of goodwill!
OPTIMUS: Goodwill, Megatron?
DOUG: You're no match for my Salvation Army.
[Goodwill and Salvation Army are two well-known charity organizations
in the United States.]
MEGATRON: I'm releasing Perceptor!
OPTIMUS: Where, and when?
PHIL: Last summer at your local toy store. But he's made up of three Mini-
Cons now.
[A reference to the Armada Street Action Mini-Con Team, the three robots
of which form the Armada character Perceptor.]
OPTIMUS: WHEN, Megatron?
(Megatron leans in... and his mouth is horribly out-of-place from the
rest of his head)
DOUG: Oh no, he's making kissy-faces at Prime!
OPTIMUS: What happens at noon?
(The picture changes... Perceptor, in microscope mode, is bound to a
stand covered in rust...)
MEGATRON: At noon, the sun's rays will focus through his lenses,
and ignite the fuse of the bomb at the base of his microscope!
(Outside... all the Autobots are gathered)
OPTIMUS: Autobots... I'm sure you're all aware that we're heading
into a trap.
SIPHER: So let's be sure EVERY LAST ONE OF US is there for it!
OPTIMUS: Megatron will have us on his terms, and on his turf.
Autobots, transform and roll out!
(He transforms and drives away, followed by the others)
(sigil transition)
(Perceptor struggles to transform in his bindings... and the sun is
already starting to focus into a beam through his lens... close-up of
the bomb...)
DOUG: No, Mister Bomb, I expect you to die!
[One of the most recognizable exchanges from the James Bond movie
"Goldfinger": "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to
die!" The sequence even involved Bond nearly being cut in two by a laser,
reflecting the scene here... kinda.]
(The Autobots arrive)
OPTIMUS: No sign of Megatron. Autobots, stay back!
(He jumps down to Perceptor)
PERCEPTOR: Optimus! You'll be infected with Cosmic Rust!
OPTIMUS: If I don't save you, that bomb will blow you to bits!
(close-up of the bomb)
PHIL: Oh no, someone set him up the b-
SIPHER: OH SHUT UP!
PHIL: Sorry, jeez.
[A few years ago, there was a net.famous movie taken from a Sega MegaDrive
video game called "Zero Wing", and it featured horribly translated
Japanese into English. The two lines that were most notable were "All
your base are belong to us" and "Someone set us up the bomb." As with
much of net.fame, it soon spiraled down into net.hatred.]
(commercial break)
PERCEPTOR: No, Optimus! Move back! Save yourself!
OPTIMUS: Be quiet and that's an order!
(Optimus pulls at Perceptor's bindings)
DOUG: Why not just pick up that little bomb and chuck it?
(Perceptor is freed, the two run away and the bomb goes kaflooey)
DOUG: Yeah, yeah, aaaaa boom. Again.
[See above.]
PERCEPTOR: You've got to leave me here, Optimus! If I go back to
headquarters, I could infect everybody!
PHIL: I've got cooties!
OPTIMUS: We're not leaving you anywhere, Perceptor. You're coming
with us right now.
(He picks up Perceptor, cradling him in his arms...)
SIPHER: (singing) Iiiiiii will always love yooooou...
[Whitney Houston's signature song from "The Bodyguard", which had the
image of Kevin Costner picking up Whitney and carrying her to safety.]
(sigil transition)
(Autobot HQ, the medics are looking at Perc...)
PERCEPTOR: This rust is caused by germs that devour Cybertron
alloys.
OPTIMUS: But where do the rust germs come from?
WHEELJACK: Maybe Teletraan-1 can tell us!
TELETRAAN-1: Checking files...
PHIL: (T-1) You're boned.
TELETRAAN-1: The germs originated on a planet called Antilla.
(closeup of the planet and its giant Autobot sigil)
DOUG: (singing) It's another Antilla sunrise...
[A take-off of the Eagles' "Tequila Sunrise".]
TELETRAAN-1: At the dawn of time, there was a thriving Autobot
civilization.
PHIL: (T-1) And the FBI was founded in 1492 by uh... demons...
[From "Invader Zim", where Zim's computer is clearly just making stuff up
about the FBI when asked.]
TELETRAAN-1: No cure was ever found. The Thirteenth Legion, the Lost
Legion, was decimated by that malevolent scourge.
(The screen shows two robots consumed by rust fall over and
disintegrate)
PHIL: Cool!
DOUG: (Witch) I'm rusting... oh, what a world...
[The Wicked Witch of the West's death scene in "The Wizard of Oz".]
WHEELJACK: Can't we do ANYTHING to protect ourselves?
ALL: TROJAN MAN!
[From the commercials featuring Trojan brand condoms.]
TELETRAAN-1: Corrostop is the only known antidote.
OPTIMUS: But we can't make anymore! We're out of the secret
catalyst!
PHIL: (T-1) Remember the boned thing?
OPTIMUS: The matter duplicator! But it doesn't work! It never
worked!
(T-1's screen goes fuzzy)
OPTIMUS: Hmmm, that's strange. Teletraan-1 must be having some
internal prob-... my hands! Cosmic Rust!
DOUG: No, that's just psoriasis.
OPTIMUS: I... I had no choice. I had to rescue Perceptor. Ratchet!
Blaster!
(They too are covered in rust now...)
BLASTER: Oh, NO! What's goin' on here, man! I'm too young a dude to
die!
RATCHET: Hey... it's suddenly getting hot in here!
SIPHER: It's hot inside a volcano. Nooooooooooooooo.....
(outside... it's the heat ray at work. Meggy's straddling it
again...)
RUMBLE: Why not use it at full power, and melt Autobot Headquarters
to the ground?
PHIL: (Megs) How could we possibly retreat if we did THAT?
MEGATRON: Soon they'll all be nothing but rusted scrap!
(Inside...)
OPTIMUS: He must be using that ray to spread the germs!
PERCEPTOR: Then there is no time to lose! Come, Wheeljack, we have
work to do!
DOUG: I've got a will to make out!
(Sigil transition)
(In a lab... with a big device...)
SIPHER: I'm just gonna assume this is the matter duplicator.
PHIL: I'm just gonna assume this is gonna work without a hitch.
(Wheeljack fiddles with some controls... nothing happens. Perceptor
then kicks the damn thing. It works.)
DOUG: Once again, violence is the answer!
(The stuff on one end of the duplicator is now duplicated)
PHIL: Oh, the suspense.
PERCEPTOR: Tremendous!
WHEELJACK: It works!
SIPHER: And there was much rejoicing.
DOUG & PHIL: (bored) Yaay.
[From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". We demand a shrubbery!]
(sigil transition)
(Decep base)
MEGATRON: Well, Soundwave... has Laserbeak returned with the
visuals?
SOUNDWAVE: Affirmative.
DOUG: Yeah, why stick around and make SURE the plan goes through without a
hitch?
(The video screen shows the medical bay for the Autobots... several
of them lying in beds, covered in rust and groaning)
SIPHER: How'd he get IN there?
MEGATRON: (rubbing his hands together) How TERRIBLE!
BUMBLEBEE: S-somebody's gotta get us back to Cybertron, Prime!
DOUG: I wanna take out the whole planet!
MEGATRON: Too bad you used all the Corrostop on the human statue!
And gave the rest to ME! Heh-heh...
PHIL: You gotta admit, that was kinda dumb. He's got us there.
(Perceptor runs in)
PERCEPTOR: We did it! We're going to be saved!
PHIL: We found Jesus!
DOUG: Primus.
MEGATRON: WHAT?!
PERCEPTOR: We finally got the matter duplicator working! All we have
to do is scrape some Corrostop from the Statue of Liberty, and
then we'll mass-produce it!
DOUG: (Megatron) HOW could I have prevented this from happening?!
SIPHER: (Rumble) TOLD ya so, numbnuts!
DOUG: (Megatron) SHUT UP!
(The tower rises...)
MEGATRON: The Statue of Liberty, of course! Pity it won't BE there
by the time the Autobots arrive!
DOUG: (Megatron) Call David Copperfield!
[One of David Copperfield's most famous illusions was making the Statue of
Libery disappear back in the 1980's.]
(sigil transition)
(The Stunticons are still using the hijacked ferry, and they have the
bug with them)
MEGATRON: Stunticons! Transform, and merge into Menasor!
(They do)
MEGATRON: Now, the Lightning Bug!
SIPHER: Transform and- oh.
MEGATRON: You shall have the honor of firing the heat ray!
PHIL: Did he really need to merge for that?
DOUG: They gotta remind kids that the toy can DO that.
OPTIMUS: Drop it, Menasor!
MEGATRON: Prime! Show yourself!
(The Autobots appear on the Statue)
OPTIMUS: Retreat now, Megatron!
SIPHER: Save us ALL a little time!
(Megatron fires, and Prime stumbles to dodge, grabbing one of
Liberty's crown-spikes.)
PHIL: Man, they stole this bit for "X-Men".
[The climactic fight in the first "X-Men" movie took place between
Wolverine and Sabertooth on the Statue of Liberty's head.]
MEGATRON: You have no power left, Prime! The Cosmic Rust has
infiltrated your logic circuits!
OPTIMUS: Maybe so...
DOUG: I may be crazy, but it just may BE a lunatic you're looking for!
[Referencing the Billy Joel song "You May Be Right".]
(Optimus fires, sending Megatron hopping backwards. The other
Autobots open fire. Soundwave and Rumble fire back. Shot of the
Statue lit up by laser fire...)
ALL: CRASHING through the sky... comes a fearful cry...
[The theme song of "G.I. Joe: The Movie", which featured a firefight by
the Statue of Liberty in the opening credits.]
MEGATRON: Menasor! Turn on the heat!
DOUG: And grab some burgers!
(Menasor raises the bug high... and the Aerialbots come swooping in)
SILVERBOLT: ATTACK!
(Menasor takes a few shots, making weird incomprehensible noises)
SIPHER: (Prof. Frink) Guh-HEY! GLAVEN!
[The scientist from "The Simpsons" who's characteristic is to make noises
and sounds and syllables that make no sense. He's a parody of similar
characters/antics by Jerry Lewis.]
(Menasor drops the bug)
SILVERBOLT: Aerialbots, transform into SUPERION!
(They do)
(Menasor reaches for the dropped bug... but Superion shoots him away
from it. Superion goes for the bug, but Menasor tackles him)
PHIL: Oh, he's down at the forty!
[Just a generic football reference.]
(Superion gets Menasor in an overhand throw... and on impact with the
ground, Menasor splits into his component Stunticons)
DOUG: Man, Tyson put up a better fight than that!
[Mike Tyson, the boxer, used to be an unstoppable force, but in recent
years has not been as stellar, including a really short championship bout
that Tyson lost.]
(Superion aims...)
ALL: RAAAAAID?!
[The commercials for Raid bug spray used to feature cartoon bugs screaming
"RAAAAAID?!" right before they died from the spray. Trivia note: Gregg
Berger, who did the voice of Grimlock and Skyfire, was at least one of the
bugs.]
(And he blows up the bug)
MEGATRON: MY HEAT RAY!
SIPHER: (baby cry)
MEGATRON: Abandon positions and fly out!
PHIL: In other words, run like hell!
(The Deceps fly away. The Stunticons transform to robot mode and fly
away too)
(Sigil transition)
OPTIMUS: I think we've seen the last of Cosmic Rust!
BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, and we saved a lady at the same time!
OPTIMUS: Lady?
BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, THAT one! (points to Lady Liberty)
(The Autobots cheer)
DOUG: Oh, so now she's gonna step down and beat the crap out of Vigo the
Carpathian!
SIPHER: (singing) Your love keeps liftin' me...
["Ghostbusters 2" reference this time. In it, the Ghostbusters use slime
and an NES Advantage controller (see below) to make the Statue of Liberty
walk to the museum so that the guys can beat Vigo. The song used to make
the mood slime move the Statue is "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me".]
PHIL: All right.
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
***************************************************************************
SKIT TWO: HASBRO'S NEW DESIGNER
***************************************************************************
(Sipher holds up a sign reading "HASBRO'S EXECUTIVE OFFICE". Phil is off to
one side.)
DOUG: Well, I suppose we had better get this over with. Sipher, send him
in, will you?
SIPHER: M Sipher.
DOUG: Shut up.
(Sipher brings Phil in, who sits down opposite Doug and Phil)
DOUG: Now as you know, this is your annual review. We hired you to design
new toys for our highly successful Transformers toy line.
PHIL: Yes, and thank you.
DOUG: Ahuh. Now, let's look at one of your first designs... the
BladeMasters.
PHIL: Yes. Well, I thought that since ninjas are always popular with
kids, that Transformers with pop-up swords and the like would be a
good seller.
DOUG: Yes, that's all well and good, but your foamcore prototype used a
REAL knife blade.
PHIL: That was just a working sample.
DOUG: All your design notes CALL for real knife blades. This one in
particular... (shuffles through some papers)... says "Make sure this
blade is as dull and rusty as possible."
PHIL: Well, kids like realism.
DOUG: And parents DON'T like having to send their children to the hospital
for knife wounds and tetanus shots! Isn't that right, Sipher?
SIPHER: M Sipher.
DOUG: Shut up. Now moving on... there's this design idea of yours... the
"TRANS-Formers".
(Doug holds up what is clearly a Barbie doll or some cheap equivalent.)
DOUG: I'll skip the obvious problems and just point out that we don't even
HAVE the rights to use John Lithgow's likeness!
PHIL: That was just a suggestion. We could use Kurt Russell's likeness,
perhaps.
DOUG: It doesn't MATTER whose likeness it is! We can't make this! What in
the hell possessed you to design a toy that... (warily looks under
the doll's skirt) URGH!
PHIL: Well, you said that we were looking at ways of expanding the brand
name into new areas...
DOUG: It's this toy's "area" that worries me! We simply cannot... (looks
at the doll again, audibly shudders, and throws it away) NO!
PHIL: I do have other design ideas, sir.
DOUG: Oh, you certainly do. (ruffles through some pages) Here's a gem...
"Nerf Chainsaw"..."Ball Of Crap"..."Poisonous Ball of Crap"...
"Graverobber Roy"..."Connect Pi"..."Eneman"..."ENEMAN"?
PHIL: I thought we could cross-brand it with Super Soa -
DOUG: NO. Just NO. Take a look at what other companies do. You do pay
attention to our competitors, do you not?
PHIL: Oh, yeah, yeah. You mean like McDonald's and Sony.
DOUG: What? No! Other toy companies!
PHIL: Oh, yeah, right. I meant other toy companies. I pay attention to
those all the time.
DOUG: All right. For the sake of argument, I'm going to believe you. Now,
haven't you ever seen another company's product and thought it
looked like a really fun toy? One that would really grab kids and
their parents?
PHIL: I -
DOUG: And NOT with a robotic arm, wickedly festooned with a variety of
cruel metal barbs.
PHIL: - oh.
DOUG: THINK, man! What did YOU like when YOU were a child?
PHIL: Hmm. Maybe I get it now. Like...
DOUG: Like?
PHIL: Like...we could do a building toy, those are popular...
DOUG: Right, right...
PHIL: Maybe...okay, I've got it. We make a series of bricks...
DOUG: Okay...
PHIL: They use a series of pegs and holes to connect together, and you
can build all kinds of stuff...
DOUG: I like it so far...
PHIL: We could make Star Wars sets...and Harry Potter sets...
DOUG: ...uh-huh.
PHIL: Or hey! Even robots that still transform!
DOUG: Sayyy...
PHIL: BUILDing those would RULE!
DOUG: I like it!
PHIL: We'll call it "LEGO"!
DOUG: *facepalm*
PHIL: (off in his own little world) And we could do some kind of game
revolving around tops that transform into dragons! And all kinds of
little diecast cars, with one of those popular names like "Hot
Wheels" or "Matchbox"! Oh, and my daughter just loves those "Beanie
Baby" animals. And there's this whole "Gundam" fad...
DOUG: We can't make a toyline called "Gundam"! Do you have any idea how
illegal that is?
PHIL: What about "Madnug"? We could package them facing away from the
consumer to disguise their identities.
DOUG: No. No. Forget what other companies are doing. Let's go back to your
brainstorming session. Haven't you got ANY good ideas?
(Phil holds up a picture of the original gun Megatron.)
(Sipher slaps Phil.)
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -
- "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #2 -
PIE -- It's what's for dessert.
***************************************************************************
EPISODE TWO: BEAST WARS - GORILLA WARFARE
***************************************************************************
(Opens with daytime view of waterfalls, pans over the shoreline)
"GORILLA WARFARE"
Written by
Greg Johnson
Directed by
James Boshier
(Camera follows along the shoreline until we close in on a budding
flower. We see Optimus foot step down right next to the flower.)
OPTIMUS: Ah... Here's a new specimen. Dinobot, come on! {You're
supposed to be assisting!}
PHIL (as Primal): I want to see how you look in it!
DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Of *course*! (snarl) Pardon my lack of
enthusiasm for a bunch of worthless weeds. You realize that
we are targets out here -- targets!
SIPHER: Hey, we're cleaner than Wal*Marts.
DOUG: And we have Cryoteks.
[Cryotek was a Target Exclusive toy back in 2001.]
OPTIMUS: (sigh) Dinobot, I signed on for this mission as an
explorer. Just because we bumped into Predacons is no reason
to stop learning new things.
DINOBOT: Well, if we encounter any of Megatron's forces, you may
learn it is unwise to dally with plants. {We should be devising
battle strategies!}
SIPHER: Tell Rattrap about it.
[From "Beast Machines", in which Rattrap develops a romance with the
plant-former Botanica.]
OPTIMUS: Knowledge of the territory can be an advantage in battle,
Dinobot. You're a soldier, you should know that!
DINOBOT: I somehow doubt this plant will be a turning point. (snarl)
But very well! If have it you must, stand aside! I'll blast
it out! Dinobot - MaxiMMPH!
(Optimus prevents Dinobot from completing the command.)
OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!
PHIL: (sings) Hold on, Sloopy...
DOUG: That's "Hang on."
[Referring to the song "Hang On, Sloopy" by The McCoys.]
(Optimus looks at the situation, then grabs hold of the rock. He
grunts as he uses his foot to take away the smaller stone, and tosses
the bigger rock aside.)
OPTIMUS: You see? It *is* possible to look for non-violent
solutions first.
DINOBOT: Perhaps. But I think you've lost your battle edge,
Optimus. In our fight against Megatron, there is nothing you
can learn from this worthless weed.
PHIL (as Simon Cowell): Simply dreadful. You are the worst plant in
America.
[From "American Idol", Simon Cowell dismissed horrid singers with such
snippy remarks.]
(He hisses at the flower, and turns away. It rears back and spits
out a prickly seed of some sort that lands on Dinobot's neck.)
DINOBOT: (screams) Get this thing off me! (tries to reach it,
but can't) I can't reach it! GET IT OOOFFFFF!!!!!
SIPHER: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?
[See above.]
(Optimus tries to get the seeds off Dinobot and a line is recycled
from earlier in the show.)
OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!
PHIL: (sings) Hold on -- wait.
[The line of dialogue was recycled, so we recycled a joke. And be sure to
recycle your plastic and glass.]
(Optimus pulls off the seed and looks at it..)
OPTIMUS: (chuckles) Got you right in the one place where you can't
reach, didn't it?
DOUG: Unless he, you know, TRANSFORMED.
(The seed wiggles and suddenly drops from Optimus' hand. It lands
on the ground and sprouts into a new flower.)
OPTIMUS: You see? That's how it spreads its seed. We've *learned*
something.
DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Yeeeeeeeees. (snarl) From now on I shoot my
dinner salad before I eat it.
SIPHER: Wow. Must be an extreme vegan.
[Vegans are people who won't eat anything that came from animals. No meat,
no eggs, no dairy products.]
OPTIMUS: Hmmm. We'll need to find another specimen.
(Optimus turns and sees something)
OPTIMUS & DINOBOT: *gasp*
(Pan over to see Scorponok coming over some rocks on the other side
of the water. We zoom in fast as Scorponok talks.)
SCORPONOK: How about an arachnid?
DOUG: How about an Arachnid Punch?
PHIL: Sure!
[Riff on the old Hawaiian Punch TV ads. Punchy, the mascot, would ask the
hapless tourist guy, "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?" The hapless
tourist would reply "Sure!" and promptly get socked in the kisser.]
(Scorponok fires one of his missiles. Optimus and Dinobot dive out
of the way, and it explodes against the rocks.)
OPTIMUS: Optimus -- Maximize!
DINOBOT: Dinobot - Maximize!
(They both transform, and Scorponok fires four more missiles. Optimus
and Dinobot take cover behind some other rocks. Optimus fires back
at Scorponok who keep on firing, and he then adds his tail weapon into
the mix. Dinobot uses his eye lasers.)
(We cut back and forth and then see an aerial view of the fight. Then
we see that Scorponok's missiles have damaged an overhanging rock which
shudders right over Dinobot's position.)
OPTIMUS: Dinobot!
DOUG (as Dinobot): "hungry" TALK FOR YOU!!!
[A line from the fanfic "Dinobot's Old Technology" by MG-Dinobot. The line
is actually supposed to be "Dinobot (hungrily): SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!" but
MG's first language wasn't English. His fanfic contains numerous other
amusing phrases, such as "Rhinox is death," and is a favorite among some for
that reason.]
(We look from the rocks point-of-view: closing in on Dinobot still
firing away. Dinobot turns and looks in horror right before the
falling rock pins him against the sheltering rock.)
PHIL: Okay, you can't learn anything from the plant. But you can learn
something from the rock.
DINOBOT: (roars)
OPTIMUS: Dinobot! (heads over to help Dinobot)
SCORPONOK: I have a special Cyber-Bee just for you, Optimus Primal.
Enjoy!
DOUG: I hear Jameel cheering right now.
[H. Jameel al Khafiz is a long time TransFan who loved the Cyber-Bee so
much, he changed his online screen name to Mega-Bee... and many humorous
variations.]
(Scorponok fires the Cyber-Bee, and we follow along as the Bee
searches out Primal. He sees it right as it attaches to his
chest. Primal is knocked against the rocks, but has the sense
to then fire on Scorponok with his arm cannon. His shot reaches
the Predacon, knocking him on his back on a log on the water.)
(Scorponok seems okay then gasps as he realizes the impact knocked
the log free and is heading down the waterfall.)
SCORPONOK: (screams as he falls down and disappears into the foam)
DOUG: (as Kuzko) Boo-ya-ha-ha-ha-ha....
[From Disney's "The Emperor's New Groove".]
(Dinobot is able to finally push the rock off of him. He then
looks at his leader.)
DINOBOT: Optimus.....
(The Bee is glowing red and is affecting Optimus somehow)
OPTIMUS: (grunts)
(Cut to Maximal base, nighttime. Then interior of the Axalon
bridge, the Maximals are talking about what happened.)
CHEETOR: You were supposed to be his backup!
DINOBOT: We were ambushed! And -- (points at Cheetor) don't tell
me my duty, furball! Or you shall soon be occupying several
recycling bins!
PHIL: You gotta separate your stupid metal from your stupid plastic.
CHEETOR: {*rowr* Want to try it now, Lizard-lips?}
RATTRAP: Hey hey hey hey hey hey here! As much as I'd love to the
both of you scrap yourselves, eh -- save it for my birthday.
Right now, we've got bigger concerns.
SIPHER: (as Rattrap) Like the laundry machine.
[Just a running gag because the CR chamber looks like a big laundry
machine.]
(Cheetor faces the general direction of the CR chamber. We see it
and hear rumblings inside.)
RATTRAP: Rhinox, what's the sitch?
(Rhinox is running analysis on one of the computers.)
RHINOX: Looks like a viral mine;
DOUG: Why is everything always viral YOURS?
RHINOX: {it's fused to his net core. He can't transform while
the thing's attached.}
CHEETOR: Well, then let's get it off! He took enough energon
damage just getting back here!
(Cheetor walks over to Rhinox and places his hand on Rhinox's
shoulder.)
RHINOX: Can't be done. The mine's rerouted all his life-support
functions to itself. We yank it -- he lives for less than a
minute.
CHEETOR: (softly) Whoa. That's bad.
SIPHER: Hey, that means only one more minute with Cheetor.
DOUG: Oooo, that's a toss-up.
(We see a display of Optimus' life signs on the computer screen.
An animation of the explosion to happen is shown as Rhinox speaks
his next line.)
RHINOX: Gets worse. Right after that, the mine explodes, taking
out everyone within sprintin' distance.
PHIL: Are we talking Carl Lewis sprinting distance or Comic Book Guy
sprinting distance?
[Carl Lewis is an Olympic gold medalist for track and field events. Comic
Book Guy is an overweight character on "The Simpsons".]
CHEETOR: Man, I - I don't get it. Why? For what?
DINOBOT: (thinking) A viral... *mine*, you say? I know Scorponok's
creations. This one is intended to turn our leader into a
coward (slams hand on table), one who will lead us to defeat
(shakes hand in frustration). Only Scorponok will have the
anti-virus.
RHINOX: There's gotta be a way to put the skids on it -- huh?
PHIL: Hey, Skids barely appeared in the old cartoon; you think he'd show
up now?
[Skids was the most ignored character in the old G1 cartoon. Well, among
those actually appearing at all, anyway....]
(Rhinox reacts to loud sounds of metal being hit by something. We cut
to the holding cell where we see and hear evidence of the cell being
fired upon from the inside. We see parts of the door bulge outward
with some hits.)
SIPHER: Hey, who put this thing on tumble dry?
CHEETOR: *gasp*!
(The door is hit like someone is trying to break it down.)
RATTRAP: *gasp*!
(The door falls open and to the ground as Optimus punches it. He
steps out of the smoke looking decidedly uncowardly and with a
fierce grimace on his face.)
OPTIMUS: All right -- who wants some?
PHIL: ... fabric softener?
[Commercial Break]
(Optimus faces Cheetor, Rhinox, Dinobot, and Rattrap, who starts
to come towards him. Optimus is defensive, and continually shows
tics and twitches thanks to the viral mine.)
OPTIMUS: Nobody takes it off, understand?... {You hear me!?}
DOUG: (as Primal) Nobody goes wild on MY ship!
["Girls Gone Wild", a disturbingly successful video series of basically
college girls flashing cameras while inebriated in public.]
(Dinobot has come behind Optimus, but he turns and sees the
Maximal.)
OPTIMUS: I'll blow your slaggin' heads off!
(Optimus aims his arm cannon at Dinobot. Dinobot braces himself
in preparation for battle.)
CHEETOR: No, Big-Bot!
RHINOX: *gasp*
(Rhinox grabs Primal's arms and holds him back.)
RHINOX: Hold on there!
SIPHER (as elderly lady): Give us a kiiissss....
OPTIMUS: (struggling to get free) (grunt) Get off of me!
DINOBOT: Yes! Listen to him!
OPTIMUS: (still struggling a bit) I don't fear you -- I don't fear
any of you!
RHINOX: I thought that thing was supposed to turn him into a
coward!
PHIL: Yeah, uh, that'll be in the first Service Pack.
[Service Pack refers to patches software companies release to fix bugs.]
DINOBOT: {No doubt that was its intention! But, Scorponok is
notoriously incompetent.} (bends over to study Optimus)
I'd say instead that we have... a berserker. *Interesting*....
CHEETOR: Optimus can beat it!
DOUG: (as Michael Jackson falsetto) Hee-hee!
SIPHER: Eeegh.
PHIL: No, that's not scary at all.
[Michael Jackson had a big hit with "Beat It" back in 1983.]
OPTIMUS: (weak, trying to stay in control) ... it's too much...
I can't... fight it! Disarm my weapons! Lock me up!
CHEETOR: *gasp* (shakes his head in defeat)
(Interior of the Darkside; Scorponok is at the console doing...
something. We see Megatron's dinosaur head appear to the left of
Scorponok who gasps in fright when he notices it.)
SCORPONOK: *gasp*
MEGATRON: Ah, Scorponok! Yess, I have been waiting for your
report!
SCORPONOK: (dumb-villan voice) I, I stuck it to 'im, Megatron.
And goood!
PHIL: Ah, yes, this is during one of Tarantulas' brain-swapping
experiments.
SIPHER: Who'd he switch Scorponok's brain with?
DOUG: Anna Nicole Smith.
[Anna Nicole Smith is a former Playmate and model who now has a reality
show on the E! Entertainment Network. And she's dumber than a sack of
rocks.]
MEGATRON: {Hmm, excellent! And the anti-virus...?}
SCORPONOK: {Just one, like you said. Right behind you.}
(Megatron turns and looks at the container.)
MEGATRON: Ah... (chuckles) By now, Optimus Primal has most
assuredly exchanged his ... courage for a nice cowardly
yellow stripe.
DOUG: Which will be available solely from TRU Japan.
[Toys R Us in Japan is known for having exclusive repaints of existing
Transformers toys.]
MEGATRON: So when he leads his misguided mechanoids on a futile raid
for this anti-virus, it will be their final battle --
ALL: DON'T --
MEGATRON: -- in the Beast Wars!
ALL: Argh!
(Axalon, the brig. Optimus is struggling to contain his berserker
feelings. Cheetor arrives outside and looks in.)
OPTIMUS: What do *you* want?
SIPHER: Who wants Trident?
PHIL & DOUG: I do, I do!
[Old Trident brand chewing gum jingle/advertising slogan.]
(Optimus realizes his outburst.)
OPTIMUS: ... Cheetor, Cheetor... sorry. It's hard to *control*!
CHEETOR: (over intercom) Is there any of the old Optimus left?
PHIL: Yeah. He's sitting in a chair somewhere in a volcano.
[As seen in the Beast Wars episodes "The Agenda" and "Optimal Situation".]
{OPTIMUS: Yes. Some.}
CHEETOR: Don't let it go, Big-Bot. Don't let this.. *thing* tweak
you out of control.
OPTIMUS: (struggling) I.. don't.. know.. if I can beat it!
DOUG: (again with the falsetto) Woo! Just beat i--
SIPHER & PHIL: NO.
[Another Michael Jackson reference.]
OPTIMUS: But I think I can... adapt to it. Maybe hold this
aggression down! Even use it... to our.. advantage!
CHEETOR: Really? I knew it! You hang too tough to be dropped
by any techno-flu! Let's do it!
(Axalon bridge.)
RHINOX: What do you mean, "use it to our advantage"?
DINOBOT: Optimus is a war-machine.
DOUG: So, he's a knock-off of Iron Man?
[War Machine was introduced in Marvel Comics as a character with a suit of
armor very similar to Iron Man.]
DINOBOT: {I say we point him in the right
direction, give him full armament, and then unleash him upon
the Predacons!} If we want the anti-virus, that is the only
way to get it!
RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Yeah, normally, I would love to see
the Preds get their little scheme tossed right back at 'em,
but you're forgetting just one little thing.
DINOBOT: Oh? And that would be...?
SIPHER: You left the iron on when you left Cybertron.
RHINOX: {Optimus would get blown to scrap. *Big* problem.}
DINOBOT: Well, (snarl) that depends on your viewpoint.
RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey shut up!
OPTIMUS: Actually, *ahem*, that's not a bad idea.
SIPHER (as Primal): So SHUT UP!
RHINOX: Cheetor, what have you done?
CHEETOR: It's gonna be okay! Optimus has got it under his thumb!
Tell 'em, Big-Bot.
OPTIMUS: I... I think I can do this. By channeling this new
fighting instinct, we can storm their base! And... with your
help, obtain the anti-virus.
CHEETOR: Yeah! Piece of BASIC programming! We blast our way into
Scorponok's lab for the anti-virus. All we want is to get
Big-Bot here back to normal.
RATTRAP: Yeah? And, uh, what if he goes ape-slag on us?
PHIL: We keep some moist towelettes handy.
DINOBOT: {Hmmm. Fine by me.}
OPTIMUS: Hey, they made me what I am today. I figure it's time
to say "Thank you"! *Now*! Yeah!
(Fires a few shots and triggers the interior alarms.)
SIPHER: Oh no! He broke a lightbulb! Red alert!
ALL: WOO WOO WOO WOO!
OPTIMUS: {Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Stupid slaggin' circuit systems!}
SHUT UP!
PHIL: Sorry, we'll stop!
SIPHER: WOO WOO WOO WOO!
DOUG: Shut up, you!
[The Armada Red Alert toy featured a sound chip that said "Red Alert.
WOO WOO WOO WOO!" At BotCon 2002, the #wiigii! group decided to make this
their chant for the entire weekend. Glen Hallit, one of the organizers,
soon grew to hate/love that.]
(Optimus fires continually, destroying alarms, lights, consoles,
etc.)
OPTIMUS: *GRAAAAAAHHHHH!*
RHINOX: ...stop him before he hurts himself!
RATTRAP: Him? Try *us*!
DOUG: We're preferred by four out of five dentists!
[Another Trident gum reference.]
CHEETOR: Keep his arm down!
SIPHER: (as Chris Rock) Yeah, always keeping the ARM down.....
[Chris Rock is an African-American comedian known for his biting yet very
insightful humor on black/white relations.]
RHINOX: Watch that laser!
PHIL: Aghh! Now I'm blind!
OPTIMUS: Arrrrrrrrr! Huh.. huh... you.. you don't understand.
It's like Dinobot says;
SIPHER: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
DOUG: "A stich in time saves nine."
PHIL: "I love you, Cheetor."
OPTIMUS: {We're going to hit the Preds the only way they
understand: hard! Fast! And right where it hurts!}
RATTRAP: *gasp*
OPTIMUS: But if your caution circuit are overriding your courage,
then smelt you all!
SIPHER: Well, mackerel to you, too!
DOUG: Go trout yourself!
["Smelt" is a type of fish.]
OPTIMUS: {I don't need you! I'll handle this myself!}
RATTRAP: *gasp*
(Optimus leaves the base.)
CHEETOR: OPTIMUS!
PHIL: (as Cheetor) You forgot your lunch!
CHEETOR: Big-Bot! No....
[Commercial Break.]
DINOBOT: This is not the way, Cheetor!
CHEETOR: We gotta back him up!
DOUG (as Cheetor): On vocals!
[A generic singing reference.]
DINOBOT: It is a doomed mission! There's no strategy, just blind
aggression.
CHEETOR: Maybe that's what we've been needing. A little less
brain and a little more guts!
DINOBOT: We must try to think what Optimus -- the *old* Optimus --
would do.
PHIL: Call Spike "Splick"?
DOUG: Have a race?
SIPHER: Kill himself over a video game?
[The first two lines refer to the G1 episode "A Prime Problem". The final
one refers to the original Marvel comic issue #24.]
{CHEETOR: And that would be...?}
DINOBOT: ... negotiate.
ALL: Ohhhh....
(Darkside bridge.)
TERRORSAUR: Got a Maximal tight beam transmission coming in. It's
a little garbled by the Energon fields, but --
MEGATRON: Bring it up, yess.
SIPHER (as Megatron): Word out to my homies, G. Yessss....
[A hip-hop joke.]
(Cheetor appears/his voice is heard over the transmission.)
CHEETOR: Predacon base, come in!
MEGATRON: Hmmm, Pussy-cat! Yesssssssss! State your business.
DOUG (as Cheetor): This is my command. You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix
of Leadership.
[In "Transformers: The Movie", when Megatron told Unicron, "State your
business!", the planet-eater responded with the line above.]
CHEETOR: {Listen up, you miswired metalheads. You botched up your
little attitude adjustment on Optimus.} He's flamin' toward
you on the red-eye express, and he's loaded for mainframe
combat!
DOUG: So, who's Mainframe fighting?
PHIL: The company that did "Dinozaurs".
[Mainframe was the company that animated "Beast Wars" and "Beast Machines".
"Dinozaurs", both the CG series and the transforming dinosaur toys, were an
obvious attempt by Bandai to cash in on the surprisingly resurgent
Transformers popularity that "Beast Wars" had spawned.]
CHEETOR: {So what do you say you fork over that anti-virus
before you get vaped?}
MEGATRON: Any renegade Maximal who blunders into our base will *not
survive*. Megatron out.
(Megatron turns to Scorponok.)
MEGATRON: Incompetent bug.
SCORPONOK: *gasp*
DOUG: (as Scorponok) Actually, I'm an arachn - ow.
(Megatron hits Scorponok.)
(Outside.)
CHEETOR: Beast mode.
(Cheetor transforms and heads to the others.)
RATTRAP: Eh, well?
PHIL: A deep hole with wat --- eh....
[Another old joke.]
CHEETOR: {It didn't work! All we did was tip 'em off}, and now
they're gonna be waiting for him. (turns to Dinobot) You and
your bright ideas!
DINOBOT: It would appear that only Optimus can truly think like
Optimus.
SIPHER: To think like the Optimus. To live like the Optimus. Why are these
things not in the Plan?
[A line from the astoundingly bad movie "Robot Monster", where the ape-suited
destroyer of (almost) all of humanity wonders why they must be so different
from humans emotionally.]
DINOBOT: {For the rest of us, we must now... think on our own.}
(Darkside bridge.)
MEGATRON: Report.
BLACHARACHNIA: Three direct hits. Outer hull has been breached.
DOUG: And our cargo door is unprotected, and he's bearing down on it!
[A line from the MST3K episode "Riding With Death", in which trucking is a
target for some very suggestive lines. The lift here is "My rigid grill
structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door!" This in turn
inspired another one of MG-Dinobot's famous fanfic lines for Dinobot:
"My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo
door!"]
MEGATRON: {Tarantulas -- destroy the intruder!}
(Optimus starts walking through the interior of the Darkside,
growling all the time.)
(Tarantulas slides down a web in beast mode behind Optimus)
PHIL: So is he going to kiss Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain?
DOUG: Ew.
[Referring to the 2002 "Spider-Man" movie.]
TARANTULAS: *quietly cackles*
(Optimus stops, turns.)
TARANTULAS: *cackles again*
PHIL: You'd think he'd want to keep quiet.
(Tarantulas fires his gun, but Optimus catches the projectile.
He then waves his finger and shakes his head in a "Naughty
naughty" movement.)
SIPHER: Silly spider, missiles are for Preds!
[Referring to the Trix Rabbit. In the cereal commercials, the Rabbit
would always try to steal the kids' Trix cereal, and when he was
thwarted, at least one kid would say, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"
(Optimus starts walking towards Tarantulas who fires all his
leg guns. Optimus gets hit multiple times, and although we
see him getting damaged, he keeps on advancing.)
(Optimus gets right next to Tarantulas who cowers.)
OPTIMUS: Rrrrrrrrr!
(Optimus grabs Tarantulas and holds him up against the wall.
After seeing his legs off the floor, we see Optimus hold up
the pointy end of the projectile. We see a close up of
Tarantulas, who knows what's coming.)
DOUG: (meekly, ala Daffy Duck) mother
[In several Warner Bros. cartoon shorts, Daffy Duck would meet impending
doom with a meek "mother".]
(He then impales Tarantulas on his own weapon.)
TARANTULAS: *strained gasp*
SIPHER: Dude, who let one?
(Optimus leaves Tarantulas on the wall.)
PHIL: Oh, I do like the new art. Picasso from his Blue period, I think.
[Picasso being the famous painter. We don't know for sure if he
had a Blue period, but it sounded good.]
(Darkside bridge.)
BLACKARACHNIA: He's inside. And the other Maximals are coming.
MEGATRON: Take Terrorsaur and defend the perimeter. Waspinator --
Stop Optimus now!
WASPINATOR: Oooooo! Waspinator get him!
ALL: Yay, Waspy! Woo! Go! (etc)
(Waspy turns the corner, and as he heads down the corridor, we
hear Optimus' screams echoing in the distance.)
WASPINATOR: *confused, frightened sound*
ALL: (ad-lib lines from "Aliens")
["Alien", "Aliens", etc. were a series of movies featuring, well, aliens.
Rather nasty things, too. In at least one of them, the main characters
are in corridors chasing/being chased by the creatures, and they hear it
coming.]
(Waspy hugs the wall, listening as footsteps come closer. From
his viewpoint, we see nothing, but the room starts to shake.
Waspy gets his gun at the ready.)
(Optimus crashes through the wall and pulls Waspy backward.)
PHIL: (as Kool-Aid Man) OH, YEAH!
[The old Kool-Aid commercials featured Kool-Aid Man crashing through walls
while shouting out "OH YEAH!"]
(Optimus throws Waspy against a different wall and starts toward
the body. Waspy covers his face.)
SIPHER: (as Arthur) Not in the face, not in the face!
DOUG: (as Tick) Needs work, Chum!
[From "The Tick" cartoon episode, "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account".
The pair are working on their battle cries. Tick uses his famous
"SPOOOOOON!" for the first time, while Arthur comes up with his own.]
(Optimus fires and we hear Waspy yelp [or something] in pain.
Extreme zoom/close-up on Optimus, who starts glitching again,
looks right and then left and heads down another corridor.)
(Outside, the Maximals make their way towards the base, Rhinox's
Chaingun of DOOM(TM) is spinning.)
SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!
(Terrorsaur and Blackarachnia start firing on the Maximals,)
PHIL: LESS FILLING!
(Cut back to the Maximals who return fire.)
SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!
(Back to the Preds.)
PHIL & DOUG: LESS FILLING!
[The old Miller Lite beer commercials which featured two people or
groups arguing as to which quality of Lite was better.]
(Both sides take cover behind rocks and the battle continues.)
(Darkside corridor. Optimus is walking but stops when he
remebers Cheetor's words.)
CHEETOR: (as memory voice-over) Is there any of the old
Optimus left? Don't let it go, Big-Bot. Don't let this...
*thing* tweak you out of control.
DOUG: (as Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Luke.
["Star Wars", natch.]
(Optimus looks around, looking for the source of the voice.)
OPTIMUS: Cheetor... Cheetor....
(Outside.)
RHINOX: Cheetor -- NOW.
PHIL: So, if you say his name three times, does Cheetor go away?
[From the film "Beetlejuice". If you said "Betelgeuse" three times,
the title character would either appear or disappear.]
(Rhinox lays down cover fire against the rock the Preds are
hiding behind.)
CHEETOR: Beast mode!
(Cheetor transforms and runs past the Preds into the base.)
(Darkside interior. Optimus has made his way into the
research area. He scans the room, looking for the anti-virus.
He finds where it should be -- but it's gone.)
DOUG: (as Tankor) Where bug and dino go?
[From the "Beast Machines" episode "Fires of the Past". Tankor's line
was "Where.. bug and... mouse GO?", very strained and painful.]
OPTIMUS: *grunts*
(Optimus is glitching more and more, and he falls to the ground,
grasping his head and then clutching his chest in pain.)
SIPHER: (as Primal) No more... burritos....
(Opposite side of the room, we hear Megatron and see a faint
green glow. He's got the anti-virus.)
MEGATRON: Looking for this, perhaps?
(Optimus gasps. Close up on Megatron with the green glow on
his face.)
PHIL: In the year two thooouuu-saaand!
[From the skit on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". Conan and Andy (or
a special guest) sit in the dark with flashlights shining on their
faces. La Bamba, the trombone player in the show's band, sings in a
falsetto the line Phil sang above.]
MEGATRON: {Gorilla warfare suits you. The old Optimus would
have never made it this far.}
OPTIMUS: What... is it you want?
MEGATRON: Your allegiance in exchange for this anti-virus, yes....
OPTIMUS: And... if I refuse?
PHIL: (as Megatron) Then you do not get to Do the Dew, no.
[Simply a set-up for a joke later.]
MEGATRON: {You cannot refuse. No, not if you want to survive.}
Join me or perish!
OPTIMUS: (Grunts several times, weakly to start, gets more
berserk.) Huh... Oh, YES! Then why not end this here and now,
Megatron!
(Optimus rips off the virus mine.)
MEGATRON: Ah, you fool! You'll destroy us all!
SIPHER: (singing) Armegeddon it!
[Def Leppard's "Armageddon"]
OPTIMUS: Just a little trick I learned from a flower, Megatron!
PHIL: Throwing fireballs?
DOUG: (sings the Super Mario Bros theme)
[From the first "Super Mario Bros." game.]
(Optimus throws the mine so it lands on the back of Megatron's
neck. Megatron panics, tosses up the anti-virus syringe, and
starts running out of the room.)
MEGATRON: (Suddenly deeper voice) SCOR-PON-NOOOOKKKKKKKKK.......
(Cheetor enters, transforms, grabs the syringe.)
OPTIMUS: Spark... huh... fading.....
DOUG: (as Optimus) I see... pudding.....
[A throwback to the MSTF in 2001. In "Dark Awakening", Optimus Prime said
"Darkness. Cold. Then, light." Doug responded with, "Then... pudding. I
don't know why." There's no real reference here, but Doug liked that line
so much, Phil included it again in this year's performance.
CHEETOR: {Hang on, Big-Bot. Got the anti-virus right here.}
(Cheetor jams the syringe into Optimus' chest. The anti-virus
takes effect, curing Optimus of his berserker rage.)
SIPHER: I hope your Mountain Dew was tasty tonight... STEVE.
[From David Willis' hilarious parody "Run Student Run". Download it at
http://www.itswalky.com/david/men.html and see for yourself. An in-joke
that only a dozen or two people would get, but we didn't care.]
CHEETOR: Yes! We're online! Let's bail before that thing blows!
(Megatron runs into the room with Scorponok.)
MEGATRON: Get this thing off of me! Now!
(Cheetor and Optimus exit the Pred's base amidst firefight.)
CHEETOR: Time to fade, heroes!
(They do so.)
(Scorponok has succeeded in taking the mine off Megatron, but it
hits critical and glows white. They turn to look at the camera
right before it explodes. We see several viewpoints of the
explosion.)
PHIL: ... kind of... weak explosion, there.
SIPHER: Yeah.
DOUG: Take out everyone within sprinting distance, will it?
SIPHER: If "take out" means "cause you to have gunpowder on your face."
(Scene changes to Optimus' quarters on the Axalon. Dinobot is
keeping watch while Optimus rests. Optimus wakes up.)
OPTIMUS: Bedside vigil, Dinobot? Not like you.
DINOBOT: It was.. my shift.... Well, ah, *ahem* it's, uh, good
to... have you back.
DOUG: (as Dinobot) I'm sick of doing laundry for you.
OPTIMUS: {Back home?... or back to normal?}
DINOBOT: (turns)... both. (smiles and leaves)
(Optimus notices that someone brought him a plant, the same kind
he was looking at during the opening scene. Presumably, Dinobot
is the one who gave him it.)
OPTIMUS: (chuckles) ("Closes" eyes again.)
SIPHER: (as Primal) ...GET IT OFF! GET IT OOOOOFFF!
-- FADE OUT --
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
***************************************************************************
SKIT THREE: INFLICTING THE SAME PAIN IN NEW WAYS
***************************************************************************
PHIL: Y'know, it's a shame that we showed "The Touch" video last time
we were all together.
DOUG: You mean last night after the dinner?
PHIL: ... no, I mean last time we were all here doing this MSTF thing.
I mean, "The Touch" video would fit in so well with what we're doing.
SIPHER: Last time I checked, we weren't trying to scare young children.
Old children and adults, yes.
DOUG: I think Phil means the whole music thing.
PHIL: Well, yeah, there's that, but I'm also thinking that it's always
nice to remember our roots, with "Transformers: The --"
SIPHER: SHHHHHH!
PHIL: -- what?
DOUG: You can't say that!
PHIL: Say what? "Transformers: The --"
DOUG: Geez! Keep quiet; do you want to get us in trouble?
SIPHER: You can't say the name of the animated movie.
PHIL: What is this -- Shakespeare and the Scottish play?
DOUG: Remember the OTFCC ad? Vince DiCola is here since he was the
"animated movie composer".
PHIL: Oh, right. Got it. As I was saying -- it's always nice to remember
our roots with (rolls eyes) "the animated movie".
SIPHER: I don't know about you, but I don't want to remember anything
about the movie.
DOUG: What about your roots?
SIPHER: No, I just dyed my hair last week.
(Pause for the groans... or silence, whatever.)
PHIL: Right. Anyway, come on, I'm sure you can recall lots of things
about the movie.
SIPHER: Too many.
DOUG: You know, you're probably right.
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: So why don't you recite the movie?
PHIL: What's that?
VOICE: Recite the entire movie!
SIPHER: (horrified look) You must be joking. They tried that last year,
and it was disasterous.
DOUG: Besides, that's not much of a challenge for us professionals.
PHIL: We're professionals?
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE 2: So recite lines in alphabetical order!
(Pause)
DOUG: Now I'm sure you're joking.
PHIL: Alphabetical order?
SIPHER: You must be mad, sir/madam/thing.
DOUG: Could it be done?
SIPHER: Only one way to find out.
PHIL: Call Ron Friedman?
SIPHER: No, we'll do it.
PHIL: I object.
SIPHER: It's my damn show, and I'll say you do it.
PHIL: Oh, fine.
DOUG: So, what do we have to do?
SIPHER: Well, it's obvious. We have to recite the movie, where each
sentence starts with a consecutive letter of the alphabet.
DOUG: Do we have to act out the scenes?
SIPHER: (a bit bored) Why not.
PHIL: ...ssssay, this sounds a lot like "Who's Line Is --"
SIPHER: (panicked) Doug, will you shut him up?
DOUG: Phil, quiet or I'll be forced to shoot you again.
PHIL: I'll be good. (pause) Um, if we're going to do this, what letter
do we start with?
DOUG: "A", naturally.
PHIL: I call dibs on "A"!
SIPHER: (really bored) Fine, whatever, it's not like this is improv.
PHIL: (Kranix) "Arblus, look! It's Unicron!"
SIPHER: (Arblus) "Bugger!"
PHIL: (Kranix) "Could getting to the ships help us?"
SIPHER: (Arblus) "Darn it, no."
DOUG: (Ironhide) "Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits
sizzle."
PHIL: (Optimus) "Forget that. Go to Autobot City."
DOUG: (Ironhide) "Great!"
PHIL: (Shockwave) "Here comes Laserbeak, Megatron."
SIPHER: (Megatron) "I'll kill all of the Autobots over there on the
shuttle!"
DOUG: (Brawn) "Just a flesh wound!" *grabs shoulder, dies*
SIPHER: (Megatron) "Kill kill kill kill" *shooting motions
DOUG: (Daniel) "Let's go watch the shuttle land, Hot Rod!"
SIPHER: (Hot Rod) "Mountains are good for watching shuttles land."
PHIL: (Random Decepticon) "Nyeah nyeah nyeah!"
DOUG: (Daniel) "Oh no! There's a hole in the shuttle!"
SIPHER: (Hot Rod) "Poop!"
PHIL: "Quick! We're running out of letters!"
DOUG: "Right! What should we do?"
PHIL: "Skip to the end!"
DOUG: (Rodimus) "Take this, Galvatron!" *throw-gesture*
SIPHER: (Kup) "U had potential, I knew." *greeted by looks of disgust*
DOUG: (Rodimus) "Vehicle modes! Roll out!"
PHIL: (Random "Driving" Autobot) "Wheeeeeeeee!"
DOUG: (Rodimus) "X-it through Unicron's eye!"
SIPHER: (Other Random "Driving" Autobot) "Yes! Destroy his other eye solely
out of spite!"
DOUG: (Rodimus) "Zounds! The Civil War is over!"
(All three participants bow to wild applause from a handful, shocked looks
from the rest of the audience, most likely.)
PHIL: Well, that was fun.
SIPHER: If you say so.
DOUG: Y'know, we should try it again with a different letter, like, say, oh,
"L". Siph, you start.
(Sipher gets ready to start, but before he does:)
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
SIPHER: Thank God.
PHIL: No, that was "T".....
[In the actual performance, the crew didn't have voices in the audience. So
Phil adlibbed those lines himself. Unfortunately, that also meant he had to
object to his own idea and make the reference to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
which was a bit awkward.
Also, at the end, the exchange went like this:
(Sipher gets ready to start, but before he does:)
SIPHER: LIGHTS!!
PHIL: Thank God.
DOUG: No, that was "T".....
(Sipher then tripped on his way to shut off the lights.)
SIPHER: Oh, sh*t!
DOUG: No, that's an "O" and an "S".
Humor. Ha.]
- LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -
- "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #3 -
Me Grimlock say: "HOOKED ON PHONICS work for Me Grimlock!"
***************************************************************************
EPISODE THREE: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE - THE DECEPTICONS
***************************************************************************
(Opens with flashback of the Pyramids)
"THE DECEPTICONS"
Written by
Greg Johnson
Directed by
James Boshier
KOJI: (voiceover) Throughout history, almost every civilization
that kept written records reported sightings of strange objects
and lights in the sky.
SIPHER: (as Koji) They also kept records of all the weird mushrooms they
found and ate.
KOJI: {Today, they're generally referred to as
"Unidentified Flying Objects" or "UFOs". In the past 60 years
there have been thousands of UFO sightings all over the world.}
My dad is one of the scientists that would investigate them,
Optimus.
OPTIMUS: It's a fascinating subject. I find it strange that
many people on Earth still refuse to believe they exist.
PHIL: Explain the "Weekly World News", then.
[One of those check-out line rags full of UFO stories and mermaids and such.]
(T-AI's little hovering projector approaches and she pops out of
it.)
SIPHER: Dutta-da-dat-dat-da! I! Am! Your sing-ing te-le-gram!
[From the movie "Clue".]
OPTIMUS: {How's it coming, T-AI?
T-AI: It's done, sir.} I unlocked the cybernetic seal on Dr.
Onishi's microchip, decoded the encrypted information, and
downloaded it.
DOUG: (as Austin Powers) Ooo, behave, baby.
[From the "Austin Powers" movies.]
OPTIMUS: Well done. Now, let's take a look and see what we have.
T-AI: The indicated location is grid coordinates L3-Delta5-point
2.
SIPHER: Doubleplus ungood.
[Double reference here. In the G1 episode "Kremzeek!", the little
electrical gremlin caused Teletraan-1 to go haywire and start spouting
gibberish, including the line "Doubleplus ungood". This, in turn, was a
reference to George Orwell's novel "1984".]
T-AI: {It must have been important to Dr. Onishi, but I don't know
why.} This graphic is all I could find.
(T-AI displays a map graphic and an image of what is clearly the
Devil's Tower monolith.)
ALL: (like in UHF) THIS MEANS SOMETHING. THIS IS IMPORTANT
[From the movie "UHF" which is in itself spoofing a scene from "Close
Encounters of the Third Kind".]
OPTIMUS: {Hmm. Perhaps the site of one of his archaeological
expeditions.}
KOJI: Hey, wait a minute! That's Castle Peak! My dad once
showed me that photograph. Sixty years ago, there were
eyewitness accounts of a UFO landing there.
OPTIMUS: Which no one took seriously except your father.
SIPHER: (as Optimus) And presumably the eyewitnesses.
OPTIMUS: {We'd better look into it. T-AI, contact the Autobot
Brothers.}
T-AI: They're on their way here right now -- but to speed things
up, I'll tell them to bypass headquarters and take the
Space Bridge directly to the coordinates.
OPTIMUS: I'll join them on their way there. And one more thing:
DOUG: (as Optimus) I'm pregnant.
T-AI: {Huh?}
OPTIMUS: As of now, we're on alert status. If that location was
important enough to encode on a microchip, then whatever we find
there could be dangerous.
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
[The little ditty that would play during Generation 1 episodes at a
scene change. One sigil logo would pull back, flip over, and a new
sigil logo would move forward.]
(The Autobot Brothers are on the Space Bridge.)
DOUG: The Earth's core has stopped rotating. Man's only chance of
survival is to tunnel to the center and kick-start--
SIPHER: Shut up.
[From the trailer to the 2003 movie "The Core".]
X-BRAWN: {C'mon, slowpokes; what're you waiting for?
PROWL: Right behind you, big brother!
SIDEBURN: Comin' through!}
OPTIMUS: Listen up! Time may be a critical factor on this
misson, so, pedals to the metal, gentlemen!
PROWL: What's the rush? I thought this story about the UFO
was just an old legend?
X-BRAWN: Maybe, but Dr. Onishi isn't the type to believe in
fairy tales.
DOUG: He's a sucker for Nigerian Bank scams, though.
[One of the many scams that arrives as SPAM in your E-mail account.]
SIDEBURN: {If there is a spacehsip on that mountain, where do you
think it came from?}
OPTIMUS: We'll find out soon enough! Let's move out!
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: Must you?
(An isolated mountain wilderness area, with Kelly hiking through it)
KELLY: Wow, the view is just incredible up here! And smell
that air!
SIPHER: Mmmm.... eagle poop.
KELLY: {It's so nice getting away from the grime and smog of
the city} -- I can breathe again!
(Space Bridge opens and Autobots drive out, past Kelly, kicking
up a huge cloud of exhaust & dust.)
KELLY: *cough cough* Hey, I'm communing here, go find your own
mountain!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: TRANSFORM!
DOUG: Aw, man, this is from the opening credits. Do we have to sit through
the entire episode again?
[The opening credits for "Robots in Disguise" ended with the Autobot
Brothers transformation sequence as seen here.]
OPTIMUS: All right, this is the location marked on the microchip.
Let's spread out and -- what's that noise?
(Pan down to see a cloud of dust being kicked up).
SLAPPER: (within a surging cloud of dust) Oh, my achin' back!
PHIL: (as Slapper) Now YOU carry me, Sky-Byte!
X-BRAWN: Looks like somebody's digging down there.
PROWL: Maybe they're archaeologists? It could be that Dr.
Onishi wasn't the only one who thought this place was worth
investigating.
SIDEBURN: Well, if they're scientists, maybe they can help us
out. (He approaches Slapper. As Slapper digs, all we see of
him above the dust cloud are his shoulders working.... it
looks like a frog rhythmically humping up and down.)
SIPHER: If this toad starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!
SIDEBURN: Um, excuse me, my friends and I are investigating
reports of a UFO landing around here and wondered if you
knew anything about it.
SLAPPER: That depends on who wants to know. Hey -- come to
think of it, your voice sounds kinda familar. Have we ever
met before?
(The dust slowly clears.)
ALL: HUH?! (screams & confusion)
DOUG: You know, you'd think Sideburn would have realized that the digger
was the same height as him, making him another robot....
SKY-BYTE: (digging in a cave, he overhears) That incompetent
fool must have got his tongue caught in the drill again! Hey,
get back to work! (stabs his claw into the cave roof, which
collapses). Eh? I think this is going to hurt.... aaargh!
(The ground caves in and Kelly falls into a sinkhole)
KELLY: Just my luck -- another vacation down the drain!
Aaaaaaa!
DOUG: Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaain!
[From Pokemon, in which the not-very-good-at-being-villiany Team Rocket
invariably are sent flying or falling upon defeat, always while shouting
that line. Kelly's equally cliche pun inspired the usage of that line.]
(The cave-in reveals a fallen spaceship.)
SLAPPER: Just look at the size of that thing.
PHIL: Cut the chatter, Red Two.
[Another "Star Wars" reference.]
SLAPPER: {It's gigantic!
SIDEBURN: Looks like Dr. Onishi was right after all.}
OPTIMUS: Yes, Sideburn, but what the doctor didn't know was that
the spacecraft that crashed here is from Cybertron.
SKY-BYTE: (eavesdropping) What? A Cybertronian vessel?
Interesting!
PROWL: Six Autobots were sent to Earth sixty years ago and
disappeared.
SIPHER: Six times.
PROWL: {Maybe this is why they couldn't make contact -- }
this could be their ship!
DOUG: One of six!
OPTIMUS: Let's find out. (He uses x-ray vision to view inside of
ship, and we see stasis pods.)
OPTIMUS: There are Transformers in that ship!
SIPHER: Well, DUH.
/OR/
SIPHER: Six of them!
OPTIMUS: {And it looks like their pods are still intact.}
PROWL: They've been suspended in there for quite a while,
Optimus; you think they're okay?
OPTIMUS: Yes, as far as I can tell none of their seals have been
broken.
PHIL: They'll still have that fresh coffee flavor.
OPTIMUS: {They're still in proto-entity form, like we were before
we chose vehicles to scan.} But as soon as we get them back to
headquarters we'll give them a lineup to choose from.
(The Preds suddenly rush in.)
SLAPPER: Guess again Auto-clowns -- you're not taking them
anywhere!
PHIL: But I paid good money for these Winger tickets!
[Winger was a hair band from the 1980's. Which is to say that many people
think their music stinks.]
DARKSCREAM: {We're the ones that found that spaceship, so
whatever's in it belongs to us!}
GAS-SKUNK: That's right! Whoever finds a derelictable vessel
DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm. Derelicticious.
[Homer Simpson, of course, famous for (among other things) drooling while
thinking of anything remotely foody.]
GAS-SKUNK: {has the right to salvage its contents. You can look
it up.}
OPTIMUS: We would never let you take them... even if you were right!
SIPHER: Because laws suck! Anarchy! AN-AR-CHY!
SKY-BYTE: {We are right!
OPTIMUS: The salvage law applies only when a vessel has been
abandoned by its crew.} We're taking our fellow Autobots back
with us.
SKY-BYTE: I don't think so, Prime. We're taking that spacecraft,
pod-people and all!
SIPHER: Pod People? They've got MST episodes on board?
[Well, DUH.]
/OR/
SIPHER: "Trumpy you can do stupid things!"
["Pod People" is a bizarre E.T. knockoff that became an MST episode. The
trunk-nosed alien in it is named "Trumpy" by a young boy.]
MEGATRON (unseen at first): No, Sky-Byte. I'm feeling especially
generous today. (flies into view in jet mode, transforms into
robot mode). Optimus, you Autobots may do as you wish with the
spacecraft. It's yours for the taking. (transforms) But the
Autobot crew-members aren't part of the deal. They're mine now!
X-BRAWN: Forget it, Megatron. Those are *our* guys in there!
DOUG: There they are, our little guys...
[From the "Beast Wars" episiode "Cutting Edge".]
MEGATRON: Not for long! (laughs; transforms into hand mode and
punches into spaceship; emerges holding the six pods.)
PHIL: (as Megatron) I rolled a six! Prowl, take six damage! Ha ha!
[A generic role-playing game reference.]
SIDEBURN: The pods!
MEGATRON: Don't worry, Autobots. Be assured you'll be seeing your
friends again very soon -- at the other end of a laser beam!
(laugh; flies away)
DOUG: (as Megatron) Because you'll be shooting them! Hahahaha - wait.
OPTIMUS: He'll have to land eventually, and when he does we'll be
there. Move out!
SKY-BYTE: You're not going anywhere! Shark Spike!
SLAPPER: Tongue Lash Attack!.
GAS-SKUNK: Tail Blade Slash!
DARKSCREAM: Dark Sword Strike!
SIPHER: Loogie Hock!
DOUG: Noogie Head Rub!
PHIL: Uh, Doogie, er, Howser, um... I got nuttin'.
[Sipher commented that this was one of his favorite jokes in this episode.]
OPTIMUS: {We've got to get past them to follow Megatron. Flying
Fist!} (It punches through the Predacons. Then Prime's shoulder
rocket clusters appear out of nowhere). Strafe attack! (pummels
the Preds with rockets as they helplessly try to run away.)
DARKSCREAM: I've never seen that guy so angry! He's firing his
whole arsenal at us!
SIPHER: Yeah, he's really shooting his ARSE(enal) off.
SLAPPER: Don't talk, just run! Whatever you do don't slow down!
We got what we're looking for, so now all we gotta do is get outta
here while we still can!
OPTIMUS: Well, their attack served its purpose: Megatron is
gone.
DOUG: And with him all hope.
[Another "Transformers: The Movie" reference.]
PROWL: I don't get it. We've got the microchip; how did
Megatron know the ship was here?
X-BRAWN: It's obvious, isn't it? He didn't need the microchip;
he's got Dr. Onishi.
PHIL: Yeah, you know, the guy you Autobots are supposed to be LOOKING FOR?
SIDEBURN: {Of course. But the doctor only knew it was a UFO. How
did Megatron know about the Cybertrons?}
X-BRAWN: He didn't --
OPTIMUS: -- until the Predacons overheard me and contacted him.
What have I done?
SIPHER: Oh, pretty much gave the Decepticons the upper hand and
screwed your side royally. Way to go.
[Commercial Break.]
(Outside view of the Megastar.)
(Within the Megastar, all the Preds are gathered around the pods.)
DOUG: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Megatron come over!
["Red Rover" is a children's game where two teams line up holding hands.
One team yells, "Red Rover, Red Rover let XXXXX come over!" where XXXXX
is the name of one of the other team members. That person tries to run
and break through the clasped hands of the first team. If he does,
he gets to go back to his own team and take one opposing team member
with him. If not, he joins the opposing team. When all the people are
gone from one team, the game is over.]
MEGATRON: {My decision to look for that shuttle has proven more
fortuitious than I could have ever imagined! As protoforms,
those Autobots can be altered and used as tools for getting rid
of Optimus and his friends!}
SKY-BYTE: But Megatron -- they're Autobot soldiers! They
leave the stasis pods, and they'll attack us!
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) And you'll blame us, and you'll hit me, and I'll
cry!
SLAPPER: Exactly, it's too dangerous. We should get rid of those
pods right now!
DARKSCREAM: Let me do it! My freeze beam will turn them into ice
cubes!
PHIL: If only one of the others had a beam to turn them into vodka.
GAS-SKUNK: Why should you have all the fun? I'll take care of
those guys!
MEGATRON: You'll do nothing of the sort! If I had wanted those
proto-entities destroyed, I would have done it myself.
PREDACON STOOGES: Awwww!
MEGATRON: I have other plans for those Autobots.
DOUG: I hear one of them involves a new sundeck and swimming pool.
SKY-BYTE: But they're our enemies; what possible use could they
be?
MEGATRON: (very long loud shriek-y laughter that gets
progressively louder and crazier)
DOUG: (starts laughing along stupidly about halfway through, until just
before the sigil flip): Heh heh. Ha ha ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA --
I don't get it.
[Partly from a hyena character appearing in bumpers in the '70s
Hanna-Barbera "Pebbles & Bam-Bam" show, but mostly from Barney Gumble
at the very end of the "B-Sharps" episode of "The Simpsons".]
(Sigil Change)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: I'm warning you.
(A military base. Tanks drive around, shuttles take off, and a
tanker truck drives by.)
DOUG: Meanwhile, in Baghdad....
[A throw-away reference comparing all the military vehicles to the current
situation in Iraq. For some reason, this got a huge reaction at the
actual presentation.]
(Kelly is sitting in a jeep, crying.)
KELLY: Whenever I try to take a vacation, something always
ruins it! It's not fair!... (brightly) On the other hand, the
soldiers that rescued me after the earthquake are really cute!
PHIL: Pathetic! Why doesn't she just go beg for hook-ups on Transformers
boards like a normal person?
KELLY: {And I think one of them has a crush on me. (giggles)
This could be a pretty good vacation after all! (giggles)
Yeah!}
(Switch to SkyByte's P.O.V.: He's "targeting" Kelly, who
laughs wildly as cartoon hearts circle her head.)
DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Megatron, we seem to have invaded one of those
shampoo commercials....
[Referring to the Herbal Essences shampoo commercials.]
MEGATRON: {Can you see the entire base?
SKY-BYTE: Let me widen the range -- all right, now what?}
MEGATRON: Tell me what kind of military vehicles you see.
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) I see dead military vehicles.
[Referring to the movie "The Sixth Sense".]
SKY-BYTE: {Some tanks, some self-propelled artillery, and a few
helicopters.}
MEGATRON: Our protoforms will scan the most powerful vehicles
and within a few minutes become the mightiest combat force
this planet has ever known!
DOUG: The A-Team?
[Early to mid 1980's NBC show about a team of Vietnam vets who broke out
of prison after being falsely accused. They were a team who were hired
to help the little guy out. Or something.]
SKY-BYTE: {Megatron, what's to keep them from using their
powers against us?}
MEGATRON: As the Autobot protoforms begin scanning, I will
infuse them with code from my own spark energy, and when
they've taken form, they'll be mine to command.
SIPHER: To retreat.
MEGATRON: {By the time their configuration is completed} they
will be my loyal and dedicated servants! Invincible warriors!
SKY-BYTE: With your spark energy they'll be unbeatable...
DOUG: Losers.
DARKSCREAM: ...not to mention sneaky, sly, and deceitful....
PHIL: Losers.
GAS-SKUNK: ...underhanded, diabolical, and devious...
SIPHER: Losers.
SLAPPER: Let's not forget overbearing, egotistical, arrogant,
conceited and verbose! Bombastic, powerhungry, vain,
self-serving, greedy, maniacal and a real pain in --
(Megatron punches his head down into his shoulders)
PHIL: WhY mY sHOulDeRs hURt?
[And the final reference to Matt Marshall's comic. See above.]
SLAPPER: {I knew I shoulda kept my mouth shut!} The boss just
doesn't know how to take a compliment...
MEGATRON: Be silent! Take the pods to the Army base and start
the scanning process.
DOUG: (as Megatron) I gotta transfer all my vacation photos to CD.
(Darkscream and Slapper carry a pod towards a Jeep.)
DARKSCREAM: I guess we can start with that one, right?
SLAPPER: Right. (They are about to start scanning when there's
an explosion.) What's going on?
(Gunfire explodes around them.)
DARKSCREAM: They're shooting at us!
SLAPPER: Megatron forgot to tell us about this part of the plan!
SIPHER: Which means he'll blame Sky-Byte for it.
/OR/
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) Oh, I knew Megatron was going to blame me!
[RiD Megatron really did seem to do this a lot.]
(Artillery fire upends Kelly's jeep; she screams, falls
sideways, but suddenly "blips" into landing on her feet from a
totally sideways position. Runs away.)
ALL: SUUUUURGE!
[Another Surge soda pop commercial reference.]
KELLY: {I shoulda known!} From now on I'll stay home and watch
travelogues! I'm never gonna go on vacation again!
(Darkscream and Slapper are dodging the gunfire.)
MEGATRON: Incompetent fools; that's precisely the type of
vehicle I want the Cybertrons to scan!
SKY-BYTE: Darkscream -- stop running you coward, and scan that
vehicle immediately, do you understand?
PHIL: (singing) Scan in the place where you are....
[A riff on REM's "Stand".]
DARKSCREAM: That's easy for you to say, you're not the one
they're shooting at! (They scan an artillery truck; the driver
screams and jumps out before the scanning SFX covers the cab
section.)
SIPHER: This was better when Unicron did it.
[Similar effects were used when Megatron and other Decepticons were
changed into Galvatron, Cyclonus, and the Sweeps by Unicron in
"Transformers: The Movie"]
(The scene is then re-played on the Autobot computer
screen.)
T-AI: Uh-oh; Megatron wouldn't have allowed those protoforms to
scan anything unless he'd figured out a way to control them.
DOUG: With an NES Advantange.
[Same as the "Ghostbusters 2" reference above.]
KOJI: What do you mean?
T-AI: The vehicles on that army base... they all have one thing
in common.
PHIL: They look just like the Combaticons!
[The toys that were used for Mega-Octane, et al, were repaints of the
G1 Combaticons.]
KOJI: {They're weaponry!}
T-AI: {That must be why Megatron is scanning military vehicles.}
Optimus, come in! I've found them. They're at the McKinley army
base and they're outfitting weapons there.
(The spacebridge)
DOUG: In cute little dresses with pink frilly things.
OPTIMUS: {Copy that, T-AI, we're on our way!}
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: That's it!
DOUG: Now, now, play nice, you two.
(Back at the base, Darkscream and Slapper are laughing as the
scan continues.)
MEGATRON: And now I shall inject my spark energy into the
protoform! (He does so. Meanwhile, the Autobots arrive.)
OPTIMUS: Optimus Prime -- Transform!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: Transform! Transform! Transform!
(The stasis pod glows, then bursts.)
DOUG: Run to the light, Carol-Anne!
[A "Poltergeist" reference.]
(Mega-Octane emerges.)
MEGA-OCTANE: Mega-Octane -- Transform!
MEGATRON: Too late, Optimus! Say hello to Mega-Octane -- the
first Decepticon!
OPTIMUS: What?
PHIL: No, not "What" -- "Hello"!
SIDEBURN: {Decepticon? But he's an Autobot!}
PROWL: What he is depends on the condition of his personalitty
grid. If Megatron has altered it --
X-BRAWN: -- then he wouldn't think like an Autobot anymore and
he'd see us as the enemy.
OPTIMUS: There's only one way to find out.
DOUG: (as Optimus) I have to find his rub symbol!
["Rub symbols" were heat-sensitive sigils that were found on the G1 toys
starting with the second year. These were used to prove that the toys
were Transformers and not other types of transformable robots.]
OPTIMUS: (He approaches Mega-Octane.) My name is Optimus Prime.
I'm the leader of our kind here on Earth. And in their name,
allow me to welcome you to your new home.
MEGA-OCTANE: No thanks! (He leans forward and shoots, knocking
Prime down.)
SIPHER: There goes half the episode's animation budget....
[One of "Robots in Disguise" faults was animation that wasn't the best.
Oh, if only we knew what "Armada" would bring....]
OPTIMUS: What has Megatron done to you?
DOUG: He gave him the stupidest name in Transformer history! Wouldn't you
be a little ticked-off?
MEGATRON: (laughs) {You're wasting your breath, Optimus: he
won't listen to you!} He's a Decepticon now and loyal only to
me! And very soon, now, the others will join him. Their
firepower combined with my leadership will make the Decepticons
unstoppable!
OPTIMUS: You fiend!
SIPHER: Yes, you dastardly do-er, you!
MEGATRON: {Mega-Octane, your fellow Decepticons will soon be
joining you.} If the Autobots interfere, destroy them!
MEGA-OCTANE: With pleasure my lord!
[Commercial Break.]
MEGA-OCTANE: I am at your command, Megatron
DOUG: (as Megatron) Go fetch me the sports section, then!
[Another reference to one of the jokes in the 2001 MSTF presentation.
Sipher, Doug, and Phil were laughing about those jokes for hours during
and after that BotCon, and Phil threw it in here just as a very inside
in-joke.]
MEGATRON: {The other Decepticons are going to start scanning
now.} Your mission is to make certain that the scanning process
is successfully completed.
MEGA-OCTANE: I understand, sir. Consider it done!
SKY-BYTE: Take those stasis pods closer to those vehicles and
begin scanning!
OPTIMUS: It's showtime, guys.
PHIL: (singing) Overture!
DOUG: (singing) Curtain, lights!
SIPHER: (singing) This is it --
ALL: (singing) The night of nights!
[From "The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show" or other variations of said show
on ABC Saturday mornings in the 80's/90's.]
OPTIMUS: {We've gotta stop them now before they all become
Decepticons!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: RIGHT!
MEGA-OCTANE: Think again, Autobots! (lean & shoot, again)
OPTIMUS: Get back!}
MEGA-OCTANE: (to SkyByte) I'll hold them off! Take the pods
to the vehicles and begin scanning.
SKY-BYTE: Megatron's plan is working perfectly. What are you
waiting for, you fools? Don't just stand there, get to work!
DOUG: (as Basil) Yes, dear. I'm DOING it dear.
[Basil Fawlty, the henpecked husband from John Cleese's short-lived
British TV comedy "Fawlty Towers".]
SLAPPER: There's a good one. A tank'll make a great Decepticon!
(He scans a tank.)
GAS-SKUNK: That cannon'll make scrapple-ets {*note: pronounced
as written, 3 syllables*} out of the Autobots! (He scans a jeep.)
PHIL: It'll turn 'em into fried cornmeal and pork?
DOUG: (as Ahnuld from THE CRITIC): Dat's not koh-sha.
["Pork" is actually too kind a term for the parts of the pig used in
scrapple. Times were *really* tough when this stuff was invented, folks.
One of the films Jay Sherman reviews in an episode of "The Critic" is
"Rabbi P.I.", in which Arnold goes undercover as a Chassidic Jew. This
is one of the "snappy retorts" in the clips shown. We'll spare you the
musical number. Well, maybe just a little bit...]
DARKSCREAM: {We need air support -- that helicopter's perfect.}
(He aims and shoots.)
KELLY: (trying to get into the copter): Is anybody in there?
I gotta get outta here! (She bolts away as the scan-beam hits
the copter.) Nevermind, I'll find another ride!
DARKSCREAM: This Decepticon is going to have plenty of
firepower; that helicopter is armed to the teeth!
PHIL: I didn't know helicopters *had* teeth.
SIPHER: Transtech Ro-Tor!
["Transtech" was one of Hasbro's ideas to follow Beast Machines that
ultimately was scrapped in favor of bringing Japan's "Car Robots" over
and start work on "Armada". It featured decidedly different designs for
familiar characters that had more wicked facial features and alt-designs.]
MEGATRON: {Sky-Byte, why aren't you scanning? Get with the
program! Find a vehicle for that protoform immediately!}
SKY-BYTE: At once, sir! (To himself) The vehicle with the most
power will make the most powerful Decepticon and so....
DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Look, an Edsel!
PHIL: I'm an Edsel. No -- I'm Edselor!
SIPHER: (pounds on Phil)
[From "Beast Wars" "Pilot, Pt 1". Basically, it's a way of making a stupid
Transformer name just by slapping an "-or" to the end of a word in some
fashion.]
OPTIMUS: {Forget it Sky-Byte! TRANSFORM! Power Stream! (water
knocks Sky-Byte down. He drops the pod, which sends its scan
beam shooting straight up.)}
MEGATRON: You incompetent fool! What in the world are you
aiming at?
(The scan-beam approaches a vulture.)
SKY-BYTE: Oh -- we only want vehicles! If that bird gets
scanned we'll have another Predacon to deal with! I can't
look...
ALL: NEITHER CAN WE.
(The vulture dodges the beam which hits the shuttle instead.)
MEGATRON: A space shutle Decepticon! Well done.
DOUG: But I ordered my stake rare.
MEGATRON: {Under my leadership, he will become a mighty warrior!
(He does a four-way spark infusion on all the pods. They glow
and burst, revealing four Decepticon vehicles.)
MEGA-OCTANE: Decepticons -- Transform!
(All vehicles transform into the small Commandos. They remain
totally silent and motionless for a long slow panning shot.)
SIPHER: (as Mega-Octane) Decepticons -- don't say anything! Good boys.
OPTIMUS: There's only one pod left!
X-BRAWN: They've got too much firepower, Optimus; we'd never
get to it in time!
MEGATRON: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah, so true! (Swoops down and grabs the
final pod.)
SIDEBURN: Oh no! We're too late, guys! Megatron just grabbed
the last pod!
PHIL: Weren't you paying attention five seconds ago?
MEGATRON: {Yes, and soon the last of your fellow Autobots will
answer only to me!}
KELLY: (climbs into the tanker truck. Behind the wheel she looks
frazzled and psychotic): I'm getting out of here as fast as I
can, I didn't go to truck-driving school for nothing, you know!
(starts driving away)
SIPHER: BE SURE AN' TELL 'EM LARGE MARGE SENT YA!
AAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
[From the movie "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". PW is picked up in the dead of
night by a very scary trucker-woman, who apparently died in a wreck a long
time ago. It's one of many hilarious and poinlessly surreal scenes in a
hilarious and pointlessly surreal movie.]
SIDEBURN: {Hey Prowl what's up with the tanker truck?}
PROWL: You got me. I better check it out. (Uses x-ray vision
to see the liquid fuel in the tanker.)
DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm.... Faygo.
[Thrown in as an in-joke for Transformers fan Ron "Robowang" Bedra.
In 2002, he kept singing the praises of a soda pop brand called "Faygo",
and brought some to share. That and "Faygo" is just a funny word.]
PROWL: That tanker is the one they use to refuel the space
shuttle. It's loaded with 10,000 gallons of rocket fuel.
SIPHER: Roughly.
X-BRAWN: Then we'd better hope that nobody uses it for target
practice! (He mumbles to himself as hundreds of rows of teeny
tiny numbers flash past him on the screen.) Let's see, divide
by three, carry the one.... Yep. That tanker gets hit, the
explosion will be so massive, that everything within a ten
mile radius is gonna be blown to smithereens!
PHIL: I'm glad he used such extensive calculation to determine
"smithereens".
MEGATRON: {Then that tanker is the perfect choice as the
vehicle for the last pod to scan! The energy in that rocket
fuel will make it the most powerful Decepticon of them all!}
Behold -- your mightiest enemy (obvious pause) ... is about to
take form!
(Kelly tries to avoid a ditch, but the truck overbalances and
topples)
ALL: (singing) I'm driving a truck with my high heels on!
[From "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Truck Driving Song", on his 1999 album
"Running With Scissors".]
SIDEBURN: {We've got to stop it from crashing!
X-BRAWN: There's no time; we're too far away!}
OPTIMUS: I'm on it! (He grabs the truck and sets it upright.)
MEGATRON: Well done, Optimus. Thanks to you I can now begin
scanning that tanker!
ALL: D'oh!
[Homer Simpson's famous phrase.]
MEGATRON: (He scans them both.) Now witness the
genesis of your destruction! (He infuses spark energy,
essentially "spooning" the pod in the process.)
SIPHER: Aw, look at that, they're dancing in air....
(Pod lands, glows, and bursts.)
SCOURGE: Scourge, TRANSFORM!
X-BRAWN: What the --? Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing?
DOUG: If you're seeing Galaxina, then ye-- er, I mean, no.
[Galaxina is a decidedly female robot from the movie of the same name. Also
used as a joke in MSTF 1997 and MSTF 1998.]
SIDEBURN: {Yeah, he looks an awful lot like you, Optimus.}
OPTIMUS: That's because Megatron scanned me and the tanker at
the same time!
PHIL: So shouldn't Scourge also be part woman? I mean, Kelly was IN the
scanned truck...
DOUG: Hey, that'd be a twist...
MEGATRON: {You are infused with my spark, but also that of
Optimus.} Are you Decepticon, or Autobot? ANSWER ME!
(Scourge stands motionless in an incredibly long "dramatic"
pause that, seriously, has got to last for at least 15
seconds. Stock-still facial close-ups of all the other
characters.)
DOUG: (as Megatron) And phrase it in the form of a question!
PHIL: (starts singing the "Final Jeopardy" music).
SIPHER: (joins in after the first line)
DOUG: (joins in after the second line)
ALL: (Sing the rest of the music, getting louder and ending with a
resounding "BUM BUM!")
["Jeopardy" is a long running trivia TV show with a familiar theme used
during 30 seconds of thinking in the show's final round. At the actual
MSTF, the performance team ended early, so we kept saying "BUM BUM!" to
"indicate" to the characters that we had had enough of their silence
and for Bob's sake just get on with the show.]
(Finally:)
SCOURGE: (eyes glowing evilly): I have only one purpose: to
serve Megatron. I have only one desire: to destroy Megatron's
enemies. I have only one mission: to lead the Decepticons to
victory!
DOUG: (as Scourge) I also only have one pair of socks.
MEGA-OCTANE: {Hold on, Scourge; who put you in charge?} I was
the first, so I should lead the Decepticons!
SCOURGE: Only the most fearless deserves that honor. Is that
you, Mega-Octane? (punch, flinch) No, I didn't think so.
PHIL: Thank God they settled that quickly, before it escalated to atomic
wedgies.
MEGATRON: Well done, Scourge! From this moment on you are
commander of the Decepticons. The rest of you will follow his
orders, is that understood?
DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Uh, dur, huh?
DECEPTICONS: {YES SIR!}
SCOURGE |
