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MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script
Episode One
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EPISODE ONE: TRANSFORMERS - COSMIC RUST
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(Astrotrain flying through space)
RUMBLE: (vo) Astrotrain! Look out for those asteroids!
DOUG: Look out! Flying Saucer!
[From the old arcade game "Asteroids".]
(They approach an orange planet with a huge glowing yellow Autobot
sigil on its side)
ASTROTRAIN: Well, fry my heat shields...
PHIL: Who are you, Astrosemite Sam?
SIPHER: (Yosemite Sam) Ah HATES that petro-rabbit.
[Yosemite Sam is a well-known Warner Brothers cartoon character known for
his Southern sayings, which Astrotrain seems to have picked up.]
(inside Astrotrain, Rumble, Starscream and Megatron look at their
consoles)
STARSCREAM: Our sensors show no sign of life.
MEGATRON: Exercise caution. They may be deceiving our sensors.
SIPHER: But... if they were HIDING, they wouldn't slap a huge glowing
Autobot sigil the size of a CONTINENT on the side of the planet!
(Astrotrain lands)
RUMBLE: It sure looks like a ghost planet.
DOUG: (Rumble) I'm gonna say hi to Zorak and Moltar while I'm here.
[From "Space Ghost Coast to Coast", natch.]
MEGATRON: It's not like the Autobots to leave a whole city to decay.
PHIL: Wasteful stupidity is OUR schtick!
(They approach a huge spire.)
STARSCREAM: It's covered with inscriptions!
SIPHER: For... good time... call... Night...
(Starscream starts to work one of the consoles at the spire)
MEGATRON: Starscream! Keep your cruddy fingers off that, it could be
a booby trap!
STARSCREAM: What trap?! This is a prehistoric communication device,
you uneducated dolt!
PHIL: (Starscream) I'm CALLING that number!
(A beam of light shoots from the top of the spire... the Decepticons
move backwards... and a hologram of an old robot, almost
completely covered in rust appears)
HOLOGRAM: If Cybertron be home... far away, never roam! Hear my
message, listen in fear! Danger comes, the end is near!
PHIL: Well, now we know where Wheelie came from.
DOUG: So Cosmic Rust is a GOOD thing!
[Wheelie is from "Transformers: The Movie", and he always spoke in rhymes.
The fact that most fans seem to hate him is why Cosmic Rust would be a good
thing, if it were to destroy him.]
HOLOGRAM: ... all shall be turned... to dust...
SIPHER: (singing) All we are is dust in the wind...
[The song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas]
RUMBLE: Sounded like a... a curse!
ASTROTRAIN: He's right. The omens are ill.
SIPHER: (Miss Cleo) Call me now, honeychile!
[Miss Cleo was known for her telephone psychic "help". If she could
really have seen omens, she'd have known she'd be busted for scamming
people.]
(Megatron barges past them)
MEGATRON: ... it's an obvious trick designed to scare us off!
STARSCREAM: Megatron's right. Where there's a curse on the door...
there's treasure on the other side!
DOUG: And horrible, agonizing death.
(They enter a dark room... and see a metal statue of an insect)
STARSCREAM: How CUTE... a lightning bug!
ASTROTRAIN: If that's a lightning bug, I'd sure hate to meet up with
a dragonfly!
PHIL: Or a donkeyfly.
SIPHER: Eeee.
[Referring to the animated movie "Shrek".]
(Starscream runs up the podium, grips the tall statue with a spread-
legged stance, and grunts as he tries to lift it)
PHIL: No, no -- lift with your legs, not your back!
SIPHER: (weakly) Ow, my spleen...
[In the actual presentation, the onscreen visuals were more than enough to
get a laugh. Doug tried to say "We had lines here, folks, but it's just not
worth it," but the general laughter drowned him out.]
MEGATRON: Stand aside, weaklings!
(Close up of Megatron... um... grunting)
SIPHER & DOUG: I'LL show you how to schtupp a bug!
(The bug lights up... then fires a beam right through the ceiling,
energy pouring into the sky)
PHIL: Shouldn't have shut down the containment unit.
[From "Ghostbusters". When Mr. Peck orders the power to the ghost
containment unit to be shut down, the ghost energy builds up and explodes
through the roof of the building, much like what we see here.]
(The energy fades, and the bug stops glowing... overhead shot of the
Decepticons through the hole in the ceiling...)
ASTROTRAIN: Vaporized...
DOUG: Sanitized.
PHIL: Pasteurized.
SIPHER: No, just up to my knees.
[An old joke. Person walks into a store, asks for many gallons of milk.
"Why do you need so much milk?" "My doctor told me to take a milk bath
for my dry skin." "Pasteurized?" "No, just up to my knees."]
MEGATRON: How ironic!
ALL: IRONIC!
DOUG: Everybody DRINK!
(All three lift glasses and take a swig)
[Just a statement about how Megatron seems to use that word more often
than Alanis Morrisette.]
(Symbol transition... Astrotrain takes off)
RUMBLE: Sure glad we're out of there. That place was giving me the
surges!
SIPHER: That drink tastes like goat urine anyway.
["Surge", the drink known for its... unique taste and color. And the
commercials where people chase after it for no reason after someone
shouts "Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrge!"]
(Astrotrain speeds into space... and a blue asteroid follows him)
DOUG: Ummm...
MEGATRON: Faster, Astrotrain! We've got an asteroid on our tail!
PHIL: Have you tried TURNING?
(Megatron is behind the bug again...)
SIPHER: Man, Meggy sure loves that bug.
DOUG: Just call it Herbie.
["The Love Bug" was a Disney movie from the 1960's that featured a
temperamental VW Beetle named "Herbie".]
(A bolt of bug-energy shoots out from Astrotrain, detonating the
asteroid.)
SIPHER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA boom!
[From the Radio Free Cybertron reading of Deathasauras's "Ravage Three
Bodies Evolution Fanfic". If you don't know, don't ask.]
(Astrotrain is pelted with debris)
ASTROTRAIN: I'm hit! Damage extreme, but holding!
(A fragment of asteroid breaks through the hull, and imbeds itself in
Megatron's shoulder)
DOUG: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?
[From Matt "Yartek" Marshall's parodized version of the first Armada
mini-comic that came packed with the toys. He rewrote Hot Shot to be
some savant that spoke with a large font.]
(Sigil transition... the Decepticons' underwater base)
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain will be laid up for weeks until replacement
parts are manufactured!
(Megatron is lying on a repair table)
MEGATRON: Forget Astrotrain! It is ME who must be attended to!
DOUG: Ahh, that Decepticon brotherly love.
PHIL: The type of love that makes you want to shove the wounded out of a
shuttle into deep space....
[See "Transformers: The Movie"]
MEGATRON: Now GET that asteroid chunk OUT of me!
(Starscream smiles... his hand retracts into his sleeve, replaced
with a claw)
SIPHER: Nice.
(Starscream grips the fragment with the claw, puts his other hand on
Megatron's shoulder and TUGS)
SIPHER: Great, what's next, leeches?
(Starscream tugs it free)
STARSCREAM: Unfortunately... the operation is successful.
PHIL: Oh, they were playing Operation!
DOUG: Well, Megs' nose didn't light up, so Starscream gets to draw another
card.
[An old board game where players would draw cards to see what bone to remove
from a drawing of a person. If the tweezers used hit the person, the
person's nose would light up, and the player's turn would be over.]
MEGATRON: What is this on my chest hole?
STARSCREAM: It looks like some sort of... russssssssst.
DOUG: You don't ssssssssssay.
MEGATRON: We're rust-proof!
STARSCREAM: Perhaps you were made of shoddy materials, Megatron!
SIPHER: Ths scene is gonna end in a kiss, isn't it?
(Sigil transition... inside a museum, a big crowd is gathered in
front of a stage with NATIONAL SCIENCE ACHEIVEMENT overhead)
ANNOUNCER: Usually, our science achievement award goes to a human
being!
PHIL: (stoner) 'Cept for that year we got high and awarded it to the snack
machine in the lobby.
ANNOUNCER: ... Perceptor, the inventor of Corrostop!
(Perceptor walks onstage)
PERCEPTOR: Thank you very much! This is an honor and a privilege!
ANNOUNCER: Is it true that the Autobots plan to coat all the Earth's
great monuments with Corrostop?
PERCEPTOR: We'd like to, eventually.
DOUG: Except for the Eiffel Tower. To hell with THAT!
[Just three days before the performance, the Eiffel Tower actually caught
fire. Really.]
PERCEPTOR: As you know, Corrostop resists rust and corrosion!
PHIL: It'll work GREAT on Mount Rushmore!
[Mount Rushmore can't rust, it being made of rock, you see.]
(The announcer adjusts his glasses)
SIPHER: (squeaky noise at the glasses-adjust)
PERCEPTOR: Unfortunately, at this time, we only have enough
Corrostop to coat one monument; the Statue of Liberty.
SIPHER: Well, why not pick two SMALL monuments?
PERCEPTOR: ...so of course we wouldn't want the forumla to be
discovered by the Decepticons.
PHIL: So you'll just announce it to the entire world, then.
DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Him smart.
[Mo-Ron is an idiotic alien visitor from a "Freakazoid!" episode, voiced
by legendary comedian Stan Freeberg. And seriously; you'd assume that
this interview with Perceptor would be broadcast across the nation,
if not overseas, what with it dealing with a major national monument. So
it's rather dumb for him to announce it for everyone to hear.]
(Back at Decep HQ, Starscream walks in on Megatron)
STARSCREAM: ... your replacement part will be ready, as soon as they
get around to it.
MEGATRON: Replacing my chest won't be enough!
PHIL: I need hair plugs too!
MEGATRON: I need an EXPERT! Order the Stunticons to seize Perceptor
and bring him to me! DO AS I SAY!!! (cough hack)
SIPHER: THIS I COMMAHAAAACK COUGH ACKGL...
[Serpentor, the Cobra Emperor from Hasbro's "G.I. Joe" line, often
punctuated his commands with "THIS I COMMAND!"]
(Sigil transition)
(The Statue of Liberty... the Aerialbots come flying in)
SLINGSHOT: YAHOOOOOOO! Come on Aerialbots, we're gonna spray ol'
Lady Liberty!
DOUG: She has aphids.
(The Autobots are all over Liberty, spraying away)
SIPHER: Look! Jay Sherman's getting her armpit!
[A gag from "The Critic" cartoon series starring Jon Lovitz. A sequence
about cleaning up New York features the main character spraying Lady
Liberty's armpit with a gigantic deodorant bottle, suspended by helicopter.]
(Gears is spraying the torch... but he's colored purple)
DOUG: Hey! That's not Gears, it's a MALIGNUS!
[The Malignus were the badguys from the short-lived Brazilian Transformers
toyline. They were basically evil-looking recolors of Gears, Brawn and
Windcharger, up against the heroic Optimus team consisting of recolors of
Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, and "Bumper".]
(Out at sea... a ferryboat sails in... and the Stunticons are on it
in vehicle mode. They transform, poorly animated...)
PHIL: Geez, and people cried over Beast Machine's morph-like
transformations...
[Oh, they did.]
BREAKDOWN: ... I mean, we're taking over this boat! Snap TO it,
everybody, INTO THE CAPTAIN'S CABIN!
DOUG: A captain's cabin on a car ferry?
SIPHER: Why couldn't this happen on a Carnival Cruise?
(Perceptor is talking to a news crew)
PERCEPTOR: Corrostop will keep the Statue of Liberty safe from acid
rain! Or anything else that's harmful!
(Close-up on the female reporter, with long black hair and tinted
round glasses...)
SIPHER: It's the Baroness undercover!
[The Baroness from G.I. Joe looks quite similar to our reporter.]
PERCEPTOR: I must apologize, but I cannot reveal anything about the
compound.
(At sea, Wildrider is using a motorboat to tow a skiing Drag Strip)
WILDRIDER: Hey, fellows! Catch THIS wild action!
PHIL: (snob voice) I say, fellows...
(Wildrider curves sharply at the edge of the island, and Drag Strip
leaps up, transforming in midair and peeling out)
(The reporter turns... and lets out a LONG, squeaky scream...)
SIPHER: She's leaking air!
PERCEPTOR: A Stunticon!
(Drag Strip transforms back to robot mode, and holds up his pistol)
DRAG STRIP: Yoooou've got iiit! And heere's greetings from
Meegatrooon!
DOUG: So they recorded his lines on a 45, and played them back on a 33.
PHIL: A vinyl record joke. Man, do I feel old now.
(Motormaster, on top of the ferry, whirls a chain over his head and
swings, wrapping it around Perceptor, and yanking him into the ocean)
PERCEPTOR: (struggling) HELP! OPTIMUS!
(Optimus and Ironhide are staring at the Statue of Liberty)
SIPHER: The eternally vigilant Autobots.
(The reporter runs up)
REPORTER: (wooden) Optimus Prime, hurry! Perceptor's been captured!
PHIL: (mean) SOMEBODY got their girlfriend into the recording studio...
DOUG: (wincing) Ooooh.
(The Aerialbots fly off to search for Perceptor... leaving behind a
badly-rendered Liberty)
SIPHER: The Autobots even extended Liberty's arm!
(Meanwhile, Perceptor is being marched towards Blitzwing in jet mode)
BREAKDOWN: Move it, into the hold!
DEAD END: You've got an appointment with Megatron!
DOUG: Hope you brought your rubber gloves...
(Commercial break)
(Blitzwing takes off, flying past New York skyscrapers)
SLINGSHOT: There's Blitzwing!
(The Aerialbots fly past the same piece of scenery, looking really
huge doing so)
AIR RAID: And I'll bet my tailfin he's got Perceptor!
PHIL: I'll see your tailfin and raise you a stabilizer.
SIPHER: I'll see his tailfin and raise my lunch.
AIR RAID: Stay on his tail, Skydive!
(Fireflight zips around a church or something)
FIREFLIGHT: WHOA!
DOUG: Oh, MAN! I was really SCARED for a second there!
SIPHER: What?!
DOUG: Well, I'd just thought that I might have left my oven on back home
before coming here.
SIPHER: Oh.
DOUG: But then I remembered shutting it off.
SIPHER: Well, that's good.
(Over the ocean)
BLITZWING: Come in, Megatron! I have Perceptor, but the Aerialbots
are following me! Ready air defenses!
(The tower emerges from the water...)
PHIL: *Someone's* got tower envy....
(Dirge and Ramjet wheel out the lightning bug...)
BLITZWING: They're on my tail!
(The jets raise the bug's wings)
(The bug shoots out a bolt of lightning)
DOUG: Now there's a unique bug zapper.
PHIL: How ironic.
ALL: IRONIC!
SIPHER: Everybody DRINK!
(All three lift glasses and take a swig)
BLITZWING: Come a little closer, Aerialmoths, and get your wings
singed!
(Fireflight takes a hit and goes down in flames)
DOUG: So THAT'S why they call him Fireflight!
(Air Raid fires a quartet of missiles that are detonated by more bug
bursts, then he takes a hit.)
AIR RAID: Aaaaaaaa!
PHIL: Boom!
AIR RAID: It's some weird kind of heat ray! And it WORKS!
SIPHER: You expected them to use a NON-WORKING heat ray?
(The tower descends. Perceptor is shoved into the HQ...)
MEGATRON: (still seated, facing away from the camera) Welcome,
Perceptor... (cough)
PERCEPTOR: Please, dispense with the formalities.
PHIL: (Kranix) SPARE me this...
[From one of the Quintesson trials in "Transformers: The Movie".]
(Megatron turns... and is covered in brown spots)
SIPHER: Megatron forgot to wipe himself!
PHIL: Thank you, Walky.
[David "Walky" Willis has been known for his affinity for poop jokes.]
MEGATRON: ... to gain peace, in return for a favor!
PERCEPTOR: What sort of favor?
MEGATRON: Solve this little problem of mine...
DOUG: Here's some Depends, now lemme go, stinky.
PERCEPTOR: If you're serious about peace, Megatron, then begin by
surrendering your new weapon.
MEGATRON: If you cure me, the weapon is yours.
PERCEPTOR: (sigh) Very well...
PHIL: And you believe him WHY?
SIPHER: Yeah, next Megatron's gonna offer Perceptor some magic beans.
[From the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk".]
PERCEPTOR: (in microscope mode) You've been infected by a metallic
plague, Megatron.
MEGATRON: IMPOSSIBLE! Only organic forms of life can be infected by
disease!
DOUG: You brought him here because he knows more than ALL your troops, and
YOU'RE STILL GONNA ARGUE WITH HIS DIAGNOSIS?
PHIL: Mega-no-short-term-memory-tron.
PERCEPTOR: ... like the Black Plague did to humans. It's Cosmic
Rust!
(Cut to the bay with the bug...)
PERCEPTOR: This is what caused the problem. The asteroid that hit
you is covered in Cosmic Rust Germs!
SIPHER: So why aren't Astrotrain and Starscream infected? They both
touched the thing...
PERCEPTOR: ... and the germs have been feeding off an alien energy
source!
(He turns... walking towards the bug...)
PERCEPTOR: I sense energy... here!
MEGATRON: From my heat ray?
PERCEPTOR: Yes! It's making the disease spread faster!
DOUG: This episode is just a Public Service Announcement, isn't it?
SIPHER: Just say no to bugs?
PHIL & DOUG: AAARGH!
SIPHER: Abstain from pre-marital insects?
PHIL & DOUG: Stop it!
(Megatron's hand falls off as he rants)
MEGATRON: NOW SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
DOUG: Come on, let's give Megatron a hand.
(Phil starts clapping.)
SIPHER: I don't know either of you.
(Perceptor picks up Megatron's hand)
PERCEPTOR: Well, perhaps a few drops of this will help.
(He pours a little Corrostop out of a beaker onto the hand... and
it's all of a sudden better and shiny)
MEGATRON: What is that?
PERCEPTOR: I call it "Corrostop".
PHIL: Um, didn't you NOT want the Decepticons to know about this?
(Megatron grabs the beaker, pours some into his other hand, and wipes
it on his arm and face, removing the rust...)
SIPHER: So it patches holes, too.
MEGATRON: Decepticons... we are about to be CURED!
(sigil transition)
(in space... Cosmos flies in...)
COSMOS: Blaster, I have something terrible to report! There is no
more Ingredient X... anywhere!
DOUG: That bastard Utonium got the last of it!
[Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to
create the perfect little girl. But Professor Utonium accidently added an
extra ingredient to the concoction... CHEMICAL X. Thus, the Powerpuff Girls
were born!]
BLASTER: Prime's really gonna have the blues when he hears this
news! There's nowhere to shop for more Corrostop!
(sigil transition)
(At Autobot HQ, the Aerialbots are talking to Prime... Fireflight and
Air Raid are still smoldering.)
PHIL: Permission to put out the fire on my butt?
FIREFLIGHT: Yeah, and got blasted by this incredible heat ray!
(turns around) My tail got sizzled!
AIR RAID: Not to mention my wing! I need some spare parts right now!
OPTIMUS: This is grim news indeed.
SIPHER: My troops have started smoking.
(Megatron comes on the view screen, and he's all shiny.)
MEGATRON: Greetings, Optimus Prime! I come to you with a... gesture
of goodwill!
OPTIMUS: Goodwill, Megatron?
DOUG: You're no match for my Salvation Army.
[Goodwill and Salvation Army are two well-known charity organizations
in the United States.]
MEGATRON: I'm releasing Perceptor!
OPTIMUS: Where, and when?
PHIL: Last summer at your local toy store. But he's made up of three Mini-
Cons now.
[A reference to the Armada Street Action Mini-Con Team, the three robots
of which form the Armada character Perceptor.]
OPTIMUS: WHEN, Megatron?
(Megatron leans in... and his mouth is horribly out-of-place from the
rest of his head)
DOUG: Oh no, he's making kissy-faces at Prime!
OPTIMUS: What happens at noon?
(The picture changes... Perceptor, in microscope mode, is bound to a
stand covered in rust...)
MEGATRON: At noon, the sun's rays will focus through his lenses,
and ignite the fuse of the bomb at the base of his microscope!
(Outside... all the Autobots are gathered)
OPTIMUS: Autobots... I'm sure you're all aware that we're heading
into a trap.
SIPHER: So let's be sure EVERY LAST ONE OF US is there for it!
OPTIMUS: Megatron will have us on his terms, and on his turf.
Autobots, transform and roll out!
(He transforms and drives away, followed by the others)
(sigil transition)
(Perceptor struggles to transform in his bindings... and the sun is
already starting to focus into a beam through his lens... close-up of
the bomb...)
DOUG: No, Mister Bomb, I expect you to die!
[One of the most recognizable exchanges from the James Bond movie
"Goldfinger": "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to
die!" The sequence even involved Bond nearly being cut in two by a laser,
reflecting the scene here... kinda.]
(The Autobots arrive)
OPTIMUS: No sign of Megatron. Autobots, stay back!
(He jumps down to Perceptor)
PERCEPTOR: Optimus! You'll be infected with Cosmic Rust!
OPTIMUS: If I don't save you, that bomb will blow you to bits!
(close-up of the bomb)
PHIL: Oh no, someone set him up the b-
SIPHER: OH SHUT UP!
PHIL: Sorry, jeez.
[A few years ago, there was a net.famous movie taken from a Sega MegaDrive
video game called "Zero Wing", and it featured horribly translated
Japanese into English. The two lines that were most notable were "All
your base are belong to us" and "Someone set us up the bomb." As with
much of net.fame, it soon spiraled down into net.hatred.]
(commercial break)
PERCEPTOR: No, Optimus! Move back! Save yourself!
OPTIMUS: Be quiet and that's an order!
(Optimus pulls at Perceptor's bindings)
DOUG: Why not just pick up that little bomb and chuck it?
(Perceptor is freed, the two run away and the bomb goes kaflooey)
DOUG: Yeah, yeah, aaaaa boom. Again.
[See above.]
PERCEPTOR: You've got to leave me here, Optimus! If I go back to
headquarters, I could infect everybody!
PHIL: I've got cooties!
OPTIMUS: We're not leaving you anywhere, Perceptor. You're coming
with us right now.
(He picks up Perceptor, cradling him in his arms...)
SIPHER: (singing) Iiiiiii will always love yooooou...
[Whitney Houston's signature song from "The Bodyguard", which had the
image of Kevin Costner picking up Whitney and carrying her to safety.]
(sigil transition)
(Autobot HQ, the medics are looking at Perc...)
PERCEPTOR: This rust is caused by germs that devour Cybertron
alloys.
OPTIMUS: But where do the rust germs come from?
WHEELJACK: Maybe Teletraan-1 can tell us!
TELETRAAN-1: Checking files...
PHIL: (T-1) You're boned.
TELETRAAN-1: The germs originated on a planet called Antilla.
(closeup of the planet and its giant Autobot sigil)
DOUG: (singing) It's another Antilla sunrise...
[A take-off of the Eagles' "Tequila Sunrise".]
TELETRAAN-1: At the dawn of time, there was a thriving Autobot
civilization.
PHIL: (T-1) And the FBI was founded in 1492 by uh... demons...
[From "Invader Zim", where Zim's computer is clearly just making stuff up
about the FBI when asked.]
TELETRAAN-1: No cure was ever found. The Thirteenth Legion, the Lost
Legion, was decimated by that malevolent scourge.
(The screen shows two robots consumed by rust fall over and
disintegrate)
PHIL: Cool!
DOUG: (Witch) I'm rusting... oh, what a world...
[The Wicked Witch of the West's death scene in "The Wizard of Oz".]
WHEELJACK: Can't we do ANYTHING to protect ourselves?
ALL: TROJAN MAN!
[From the commercials featuring Trojan brand condoms.]
TELETRAAN-1: Corrostop is the only known antidote.
OPTIMUS: But we can't make anymore! We're out of the secret
catalyst!
PHIL: (T-1) Remember the boned thing?
OPTIMUS: The matter duplicator! But it doesn't work! It never
worked!
(T-1's screen goes fuzzy)
OPTIMUS: Hmmm, that's strange. Teletraan-1 must be having some
internal prob-... my hands! Cosmic Rust!
DOUG: No, that's just psoriasis.
OPTIMUS: I... I had no choice. I had to rescue Perceptor. Ratchet!
Blaster!
(They too are covered in rust now...)
BLASTER: Oh, NO! What's goin' on here, man! I'm too young a dude to
die!
RATCHET: Hey... it's suddenly getting hot in here!
SIPHER: It's hot inside a volcano. Nooooooooooooooo.....
(outside... it's the heat ray at work. Meggy's straddling it
again...)
RUMBLE: Why not use it at full power, and melt Autobot Headquarters
to the ground?
PHIL: (Megs) How could we possibly retreat if we did THAT?
MEGATRON: Soon they'll all be nothing but rusted scrap!
(Inside...)
OPTIMUS: He must be using that ray to spread the germs!
PERCEPTOR: Then there is no time to lose! Come, Wheeljack, we have
work to do!
DOUG: I've got a will to make out!
(Sigil transition)
(In a lab... with a big device...)
SIPHER: I'm just gonna assume this is the matter duplicator.
PHIL: I'm just gonna assume this is gonna work without a hitch.
(Wheeljack fiddles with some controls... nothing happens. Perceptor
then kicks the damn thing. It works.)
DOUG: Once again, violence is the answer!
(The stuff on one end of the duplicator is now duplicated)
PHIL: Oh, the suspense.
PERCEPTOR: Tremendous!
WHEELJACK: It works!
SIPHER: And there was much rejoicing.
DOUG & PHIL: (bored) Yaay.
[From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". We demand a shrubbery!]
(sigil transition)
(Decep base)
MEGATRON: Well, Soundwave... has Laserbeak returned with the
visuals?
SOUNDWAVE: Affirmative.
DOUG: Yeah, why stick around and make SURE the plan goes through without a
hitch?
(The video screen shows the medical bay for the Autobots... several
of them lying in beds, covered in rust and groaning)
SIPHER: How'd he get IN there?
MEGATRON: (rubbing his hands together) How TERRIBLE!
BUMBLEBEE: S-somebody's gotta get us back to Cybertron, Prime!
DOUG: I wanna take out the whole planet!
MEGATRON: Too bad you used all the Corrostop on the human statue!
And gave the rest to ME! Heh-heh...
PHIL: You gotta admit, that was kinda dumb. He's got us there.
(Perceptor runs in)
PERCEPTOR: We did it! We're going to be saved!
PHIL: We found Jesus!
DOUG: Primus.
MEGATRON: WHAT?!
PERCEPTOR: We finally got the matter duplicator working! All we have
to do is scrape some Corrostop from the Statue of Liberty, and
then we'll mass-produce it!
DOUG: (Megatron) HOW could I have prevented this from happening?!
SIPHER: (Rumble) TOLD ya so, numbnuts!
DOUG: (Megatron) SHUT UP!
(The tower rises...)
MEGATRON: The Statue of Liberty, of course! Pity it won't BE there
by the time the Autobots arrive!
DOUG: (Megatron) Call David Copperfield!
[One of David Copperfield's most famous illusions was making the Statue of
Libery disappear back in the 1980's.]
(sigil transition)
(The Stunticons are still using the hijacked ferry, and they have the
bug with them)
MEGATRON: Stunticons! Transform, and merge into Menasor!
(They do)
MEGATRON: Now, the Lightning Bug!
SIPHER: Transform and- oh.
MEGATRON: You shall have the honor of firing the heat ray!
PHIL: Did he really need to merge for that?
DOUG: They gotta remind kids that the toy can DO that.
OPTIMUS: Drop it, Menasor!
MEGATRON: Prime! Show yourself!
(The Autobots appear on the Statue)
OPTIMUS: Retreat now, Megatron!
SIPHER: Save us ALL a little time!
(Megatron fires, and Prime stumbles to dodge, grabbing one of
Liberty's crown-spikes.)
PHIL: Man, they stole this bit for "X-Men".
[The climactic fight in the first "X-Men" movie took place between
Wolverine and Sabertooth on the Statue of Liberty's head.]
MEGATRON: You have no power left, Prime! The Cosmic Rust has
infiltrated your logic circuits!
OPTIMUS: Maybe so...
DOUG: I may be crazy, but it just may BE a lunatic you're looking for!
[Referencing the Billy Joel song "You May Be Right".]
(Optimus fires, sending Megatron hopping backwards. The other
Autobots open fire. Soundwave and Rumble fire back. Shot of the
Statue lit up by laser fire...)
ALL: CRASHING through the sky... comes a fearful cry...
[The theme song of "G.I. Joe: The Movie", which featured a firefight by
the Statue of Liberty in the opening credits.]
MEGATRON: Menasor! Turn on the heat!
DOUG: And grab some burgers!
(Menasor raises the bug high... and the Aerialbots come swooping in)
SILVERBOLT: ATTACK!
(Menasor takes a few shots, making weird incomprehensible noises)
SIPHER: (Prof. Frink) Guh-HEY! GLAVEN!
[The scientist from "The Simpsons" who's characteristic is to make noises
and sounds and syllables that make no sense. He's a parody of similar
characters/antics by Jerry Lewis.]
(Menasor drops the bug)
SILVERBOLT: Aerialbots, transform into SUPERION!
(They do)
(Menasor reaches for the dropped bug... but Superion shoots him away
from it. Superion goes for the bug, but Menasor tackles him)
PHIL: Oh, he's down at the forty!
[Just a generic football reference.]
(Superion gets Menasor in an overhand throw... and on impact with the
ground, Menasor splits into his component Stunticons)
DOUG: Man, Tyson put up a better fight than that!
[Mike Tyson, the boxer, used to be an unstoppable force, but in recent
years has not been as stellar, including a really short championship bout
that Tyson lost.]
(Superion aims...)
ALL: RAAAAAID?!
[The commercials for Raid bug spray used to feature cartoon bugs screaming
"RAAAAAID?!" right before they died from the spray. Trivia note: Gregg
Berger, who did the voice of Grimlock and Skyfire, was at least one of the
bugs.]
(And he blows up the bug)
MEGATRON: MY HEAT RAY!
SIPHER: (baby cry)
MEGATRON: Abandon positions and fly out!
PHIL: In other words, run like hell!
(The Deceps fly away. The Stunticons transform to robot mode and fly
away too)
(Sigil transition)
OPTIMUS: I think we've seen the last of Cosmic Rust!
BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, and we saved a lady at the same time!
OPTIMUS: Lady?
BUMBLEBEE: Yeah, THAT one! (points to Lady Liberty)
(The Autobots cheer)
DOUG: Oh, so now she's gonna step down and beat the crap out of Vigo the
Carpathian!
SIPHER: (singing) Your love keeps liftin' me...
["Ghostbusters 2" reference this time. In it, the Ghostbusters use slime
and an NES Advantage controller (see below) to make the Statue of Liberty
walk to the museum so that the guys can beat Vigo. The song used to make
the mood slime move the Statue is "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me".]
PHIL: All right.
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
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