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MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script
Episode Two
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EPISODE TWO: BEAST WARS - GORILLA WARFARE
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(Opens with daytime view of waterfalls, pans over the shoreline)
"GORILLA WARFARE"
Written by
Greg Johnson
Directed by
James Boshier
(Camera follows along the shoreline until we close in on a budding
flower. We see Optimus foot step down right next to the flower.)
OPTIMUS: Ah... Here's a new specimen. Dinobot, come on! {You're
supposed to be assisting!}
PHIL (as Primal): I want to see how you look in it!
DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Of *course*! (snarl) Pardon my lack of
enthusiasm for a bunch of worthless weeds. You realize that
we are targets out here -- targets!
SIPHER: Hey, we're cleaner than Wal*Marts.
DOUG: And we have Cryoteks.
[Cryotek was a Target Exclusive toy back in 2001.]
OPTIMUS: (sigh) Dinobot, I signed on for this mission as an
explorer. Just because we bumped into Predacons is no reason
to stop learning new things.
DINOBOT: Well, if we encounter any of Megatron's forces, you may
learn it is unwise to dally with plants. {We should be devising
battle strategies!}
SIPHER: Tell Rattrap about it.
[From "Beast Machines", in which Rattrap develops a romance with the
plant-former Botanica.]
OPTIMUS: Knowledge of the territory can be an advantage in battle,
Dinobot. You're a soldier, you should know that!
DINOBOT: I somehow doubt this plant will be a turning point. (snarl)
But very well! If have it you must, stand aside! I'll blast
it out! Dinobot - MaxiMMPH!
(Optimus prevents Dinobot from completing the command.)
OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!
PHIL: (sings) Hold on, Sloopy...
DOUG: That's "Hang on."
[Referring to the song "Hang On, Sloopy" by The McCoys.]
(Optimus looks at the situation, then grabs hold of the rock. He
grunts as he uses his foot to take away the smaller stone, and tosses
the bigger rock aside.)
OPTIMUS: You see? It *is* possible to look for non-violent
solutions first.
DINOBOT: Perhaps. But I think you've lost your battle edge,
Optimus. In our fight against Megatron, there is nothing you
can learn from this worthless weed.
PHIL (as Simon Cowell): Simply dreadful. You are the worst plant in
America.
[From "American Idol", Simon Cowell dismissed horrid singers with such
snippy remarks.]
(He hisses at the flower, and turns away. It rears back and spits
out a prickly seed of some sort that lands on Dinobot's neck.)
DINOBOT: (screams) Get this thing off me! (tries to reach it,
but can't) I can't reach it! GET IT OOOFFFFF!!!!!
SIPHER: WhY mY ShOUdlErS huRt?
[See above.]
(Optimus tries to get the seeds off Dinobot and a line is recycled
from earlier in the show.)
OPTIMUS: Hold on -- hold on!
PHIL: (sings) Hold on -- wait.
[The line of dialogue was recycled, so we recycled a joke. And be sure to
recycle your plastic and glass.]
(Optimus pulls off the seed and looks at it..)
OPTIMUS: (chuckles) Got you right in the one place where you can't
reach, didn't it?
DOUG: Unless he, you know, TRANSFORMED.
(The seed wiggles and suddenly drops from Optimus' hand. It lands
on the ground and sprouts into a new flower.)
OPTIMUS: You see? That's how it spreads its seed. We've *learned*
something.
DINOBOT: (sarcastic) Yeeeeeeeees. (snarl) From now on I shoot my
dinner salad before I eat it.
SIPHER: Wow. Must be an extreme vegan.
[Vegans are people who won't eat anything that came from animals. No meat,
no eggs, no dairy products.]
OPTIMUS: Hmmm. We'll need to find another specimen.
(Optimus turns and sees something)
OPTIMUS & DINOBOT: *gasp*
(Pan over to see Scorponok coming over some rocks on the other side
of the water. We zoom in fast as Scorponok talks.)
SCORPONOK: How about an arachnid?
DOUG: How about an Arachnid Punch?
PHIL: Sure!
[Riff on the old Hawaiian Punch TV ads. Punchy, the mascot, would ask the
hapless tourist guy, "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?" The hapless
tourist would reply "Sure!" and promptly get socked in the kisser.]
(Scorponok fires one of his missiles. Optimus and Dinobot dive out
of the way, and it explodes against the rocks.)
OPTIMUS: Optimus -- Maximize!
DINOBOT: Dinobot - Maximize!
(They both transform, and Scorponok fires four more missiles. Optimus
and Dinobot take cover behind some other rocks. Optimus fires back
at Scorponok who keep on firing, and he then adds his tail weapon into
the mix. Dinobot uses his eye lasers.)
(We cut back and forth and then see an aerial view of the fight. Then
we see that Scorponok's missiles have damaged an overhanging rock which
shudders right over Dinobot's position.)
OPTIMUS: Dinobot!
DOUG (as Dinobot): "hungry" TALK FOR YOU!!!
[A line from the fanfic "Dinobot's Old Technology" by MG-Dinobot. The line
is actually supposed to be "Dinobot (hungrily): SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!" but
MG's first language wasn't English. His fanfic contains numerous other
amusing phrases, such as "Rhinox is death," and is a favorite among some for
that reason.]
(We look from the rocks point-of-view: closing in on Dinobot still
firing away. Dinobot turns and looks in horror right before the
falling rock pins him against the sheltering rock.)
PHIL: Okay, you can't learn anything from the plant. But you can learn
something from the rock.
DINOBOT: (roars)
OPTIMUS: Dinobot! (heads over to help Dinobot)
SCORPONOK: I have a special Cyber-Bee just for you, Optimus Primal.
Enjoy!
DOUG: I hear Jameel cheering right now.
[H. Jameel al Khafiz is a long time TransFan who loved the Cyber-Bee so
much, he changed his online screen name to Mega-Bee... and many humorous
variations.]
(Scorponok fires the Cyber-Bee, and we follow along as the Bee
searches out Primal. He sees it right as it attaches to his
chest. Primal is knocked against the rocks, but has the sense
to then fire on Scorponok with his arm cannon. His shot reaches
the Predacon, knocking him on his back on a log on the water.)
(Scorponok seems okay then gasps as he realizes the impact knocked
the log free and is heading down the waterfall.)
SCORPONOK: (screams as he falls down and disappears into the foam)
DOUG: (as Kuzko) Boo-ya-ha-ha-ha-ha....
[From Disney's "The Emperor's New Groove".]
(Dinobot is able to finally push the rock off of him. He then
looks at his leader.)
DINOBOT: Optimus.....
(The Bee is glowing red and is affecting Optimus somehow)
OPTIMUS: (grunts)
(Cut to Maximal base, nighttime. Then interior of the Axalon
bridge, the Maximals are talking about what happened.)
CHEETOR: You were supposed to be his backup!
DINOBOT: We were ambushed! And -- (points at Cheetor) don't tell
me my duty, furball! Or you shall soon be occupying several
recycling bins!
PHIL: You gotta separate your stupid metal from your stupid plastic.
CHEETOR: {*rowr* Want to try it now, Lizard-lips?}
RATTRAP: Hey hey hey hey hey hey here! As much as I'd love to the
both of you scrap yourselves, eh -- save it for my birthday.
Right now, we've got bigger concerns.
SIPHER: (as Rattrap) Like the laundry machine.
[Just a running gag because the CR chamber looks like a big laundry
machine.]
(Cheetor faces the general direction of the CR chamber. We see it
and hear rumblings inside.)
RATTRAP: Rhinox, what's the sitch?
(Rhinox is running analysis on one of the computers.)
RHINOX: Looks like a viral mine;
DOUG: Why is everything always viral YOURS?
RHINOX: {it's fused to his net core. He can't transform while
the thing's attached.}
CHEETOR: Well, then let's get it off! He took enough energon
damage just getting back here!
(Cheetor walks over to Rhinox and places his hand on Rhinox's
shoulder.)
RHINOX: Can't be done. The mine's rerouted all his life-support
functions to itself. We yank it -- he lives for less than a
minute.
CHEETOR: (softly) Whoa. That's bad.
SIPHER: Hey, that means only one more minute with Cheetor.
DOUG: Oooo, that's a toss-up.
(We see a display of Optimus' life signs on the computer screen.
An animation of the explosion to happen is shown as Rhinox speaks
his next line.)
RHINOX: Gets worse. Right after that, the mine explodes, taking
out everyone within sprintin' distance.
PHIL: Are we talking Carl Lewis sprinting distance or Comic Book Guy
sprinting distance?
[Carl Lewis is an Olympic gold medalist for track and field events. Comic
Book Guy is an overweight character on "The Simpsons".]
CHEETOR: Man, I - I don't get it. Why? For what?
DINOBOT: (thinking) A viral... *mine*, you say? I know Scorponok's
creations. This one is intended to turn our leader into a
coward (slams hand on table), one who will lead us to defeat
(shakes hand in frustration). Only Scorponok will have the
anti-virus.
RHINOX: There's gotta be a way to put the skids on it -- huh?
PHIL: Hey, Skids barely appeared in the old cartoon; you think he'd show
up now?
[Skids was the most ignored character in the old G1 cartoon. Well, among
those actually appearing at all, anyway....]
(Rhinox reacts to loud sounds of metal being hit by something. We cut
to the holding cell where we see and hear evidence of the cell being
fired upon from the inside. We see parts of the door bulge outward
with some hits.)
SIPHER: Hey, who put this thing on tumble dry?
CHEETOR: *gasp*!
(The door is hit like someone is trying to break it down.)
RATTRAP: *gasp*!
(The door falls open and to the ground as Optimus punches it. He
steps out of the smoke looking decidedly uncowardly and with a
fierce grimace on his face.)
OPTIMUS: All right -- who wants some?
PHIL: ... fabric softener?
[Commercial Break]
(Optimus faces Cheetor, Rhinox, Dinobot, and Rattrap, who starts
to come towards him. Optimus is defensive, and continually shows
tics and twitches thanks to the viral mine.)
OPTIMUS: Nobody takes it off, understand?... {You hear me!?}
DOUG: (as Primal) Nobody goes wild on MY ship!
["Girls Gone Wild", a disturbingly successful video series of basically
college girls flashing cameras while inebriated in public.]
(Dinobot has come behind Optimus, but he turns and sees the
Maximal.)
OPTIMUS: I'll blow your slaggin' heads off!
(Optimus aims his arm cannon at Dinobot. Dinobot braces himself
in preparation for battle.)
CHEETOR: No, Big-Bot!
RHINOX: *gasp*
(Rhinox grabs Primal's arms and holds him back.)
RHINOX: Hold on there!
SIPHER (as elderly lady): Give us a kiiissss....
OPTIMUS: (struggling to get free) (grunt) Get off of me!
DINOBOT: Yes! Listen to him!
OPTIMUS: (still struggling a bit) I don't fear you -- I don't fear
any of you!
RHINOX: I thought that thing was supposed to turn him into a
coward!
PHIL: Yeah, uh, that'll be in the first Service Pack.
[Service Pack refers to patches software companies release to fix bugs.]
DINOBOT: {No doubt that was its intention! But, Scorponok is
notoriously incompetent.} (bends over to study Optimus)
I'd say instead that we have... a berserker. *Interesting*....
CHEETOR: Optimus can beat it!
DOUG: (as Michael Jackson falsetto) Hee-hee!
SIPHER: Eeegh.
PHIL: No, that's not scary at all.
[Michael Jackson had a big hit with "Beat It" back in 1983.]
OPTIMUS: (weak, trying to stay in control) ... it's too much...
I can't... fight it! Disarm my weapons! Lock me up!
CHEETOR: *gasp* (shakes his head in defeat)
(Interior of the Darkside; Scorponok is at the console doing...
something. We see Megatron's dinosaur head appear to the left of
Scorponok who gasps in fright when he notices it.)
SCORPONOK: *gasp*
MEGATRON: Ah, Scorponok! Yess, I have been waiting for your
report!
SCORPONOK: (dumb-villan voice) I, I stuck it to 'im, Megatron.
And goood!
PHIL: Ah, yes, this is during one of Tarantulas' brain-swapping
experiments.
SIPHER: Who'd he switch Scorponok's brain with?
DOUG: Anna Nicole Smith.
[Anna Nicole Smith is a former Playmate and model who now has a reality
show on the E! Entertainment Network. And she's dumber than a sack of
rocks.]
MEGATRON: {Hmm, excellent! And the anti-virus...?}
SCORPONOK: {Just one, like you said. Right behind you.}
(Megatron turns and looks at the container.)
MEGATRON: Ah... (chuckles) By now, Optimus Primal has most
assuredly exchanged his ... courage for a nice cowardly
yellow stripe.
DOUG: Which will be available solely from TRU Japan.
[Toys R Us in Japan is known for having exclusive repaints of existing
Transformers toys.]
MEGATRON: So when he leads his misguided mechanoids on a futile raid
for this anti-virus, it will be their final battle --
ALL: DON'T --
MEGATRON: -- in the Beast Wars!
ALL: Argh!
(Axalon, the brig. Optimus is struggling to contain his berserker
feelings. Cheetor arrives outside and looks in.)
OPTIMUS: What do *you* want?
SIPHER: Who wants Trident?
PHIL & DOUG: I do, I do!
[Old Trident brand chewing gum jingle/advertising slogan.]
(Optimus realizes his outburst.)
OPTIMUS: ... Cheetor, Cheetor... sorry. It's hard to *control*!
CHEETOR: (over intercom) Is there any of the old Optimus left?
PHIL: Yeah. He's sitting in a chair somewhere in a volcano.
[As seen in the Beast Wars episodes "The Agenda" and "Optimal Situation".]
{OPTIMUS: Yes. Some.}
CHEETOR: Don't let it go, Big-Bot. Don't let this.. *thing* tweak
you out of control.
OPTIMUS: (struggling) I.. don't.. know.. if I can beat it!
DOUG: (again with the falsetto) Woo! Just beat i--
SIPHER & PHIL: NO.
[Another Michael Jackson reference.]
OPTIMUS: But I think I can... adapt to it. Maybe hold this
aggression down! Even use it... to our.. advantage!
CHEETOR: Really? I knew it! You hang too tough to be dropped
by any techno-flu! Let's do it!
(Axalon bridge.)
RHINOX: What do you mean, "use it to our advantage"?
DINOBOT: Optimus is a war-machine.
DOUG: So, he's a knock-off of Iron Man?
[War Machine was introduced in Marvel Comics as a character with a suit of
armor very similar to Iron Man.]
DINOBOT: {I say we point him in the right
direction, give him full armament, and then unleash him upon
the Predacons!} If we want the anti-virus, that is the only
way to get it!
RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Yeah, normally, I would love to see
the Preds get their little scheme tossed right back at 'em,
but you're forgetting just one little thing.
DINOBOT: Oh? And that would be...?
SIPHER: You left the iron on when you left Cybertron.
RHINOX: {Optimus would get blown to scrap. *Big* problem.}
DINOBOT: Well, (snarl) that depends on your viewpoint.
RATTRAP: Hey, hey, hey, hey shut up!
OPTIMUS: Actually, *ahem*, that's not a bad idea.
SIPHER (as Primal): So SHUT UP!
RHINOX: Cheetor, what have you done?
CHEETOR: It's gonna be okay! Optimus has got it under his thumb!
Tell 'em, Big-Bot.
OPTIMUS: I... I think I can do this. By channeling this new
fighting instinct, we can storm their base! And... with your
help, obtain the anti-virus.
CHEETOR: Yeah! Piece of BASIC programming! We blast our way into
Scorponok's lab for the anti-virus. All we want is to get
Big-Bot here back to normal.
RATTRAP: Yeah? And, uh, what if he goes ape-slag on us?
PHIL: We keep some moist towelettes handy.
DINOBOT: {Hmmm. Fine by me.}
OPTIMUS: Hey, they made me what I am today. I figure it's time
to say "Thank you"! *Now*! Yeah!
(Fires a few shots and triggers the interior alarms.)
SIPHER: Oh no! He broke a lightbulb! Red alert!
ALL: WOO WOO WOO WOO!
OPTIMUS: {Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Stupid slaggin' circuit systems!}
SHUT UP!
PHIL: Sorry, we'll stop!
SIPHER: WOO WOO WOO WOO!
DOUG: Shut up, you!
[The Armada Red Alert toy featured a sound chip that said "Red Alert.
WOO WOO WOO WOO!" At BotCon 2002, the #wiigii! group decided to make this
their chant for the entire weekend. Glen Hallit, one of the organizers,
soon grew to hate/love that.]
(Optimus fires continually, destroying alarms, lights, consoles,
etc.)
OPTIMUS: *GRAAAAAAHHHHH!*
RHINOX: ...stop him before he hurts himself!
RATTRAP: Him? Try *us*!
DOUG: We're preferred by four out of five dentists!
[Another Trident gum reference.]
CHEETOR: Keep his arm down!
SIPHER: (as Chris Rock) Yeah, always keeping the ARM down.....
[Chris Rock is an African-American comedian known for his biting yet very
insightful humor on black/white relations.]
RHINOX: Watch that laser!
PHIL: Aghh! Now I'm blind!
OPTIMUS: Arrrrrrrrr! Huh.. huh... you.. you don't understand.
It's like Dinobot says;
SIPHER: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
DOUG: "A stich in time saves nine."
PHIL: "I love you, Cheetor."
OPTIMUS: {We're going to hit the Preds the only way they
understand: hard! Fast! And right where it hurts!}
RATTRAP: *gasp*
OPTIMUS: But if your caution circuit are overriding your courage,
then smelt you all!
SIPHER: Well, mackerel to you, too!
DOUG: Go trout yourself!
["Smelt" is a type of fish.]
OPTIMUS: {I don't need you! I'll handle this myself!}
RATTRAP: *gasp*
(Optimus leaves the base.)
CHEETOR: OPTIMUS!
PHIL: (as Cheetor) You forgot your lunch!
CHEETOR: Big-Bot! No....
[Commercial Break.]
DINOBOT: This is not the way, Cheetor!
CHEETOR: We gotta back him up!
DOUG (as Cheetor): On vocals!
[A generic singing reference.]
DINOBOT: It is a doomed mission! There's no strategy, just blind
aggression.
CHEETOR: Maybe that's what we've been needing. A little less
brain and a little more guts!
DINOBOT: We must try to think what Optimus -- the *old* Optimus --
would do.
PHIL: Call Spike "Splick"?
DOUG: Have a race?
SIPHER: Kill himself over a video game?
[The first two lines refer to the G1 episode "A Prime Problem". The final
one refers to the original Marvel comic issue #24.]
{CHEETOR: And that would be...?}
DINOBOT: ... negotiate.
ALL: Ohhhh....
(Darkside bridge.)
TERRORSAUR: Got a Maximal tight beam transmission coming in. It's
a little garbled by the Energon fields, but --
MEGATRON: Bring it up, yess.
SIPHER (as Megatron): Word out to my homies, G. Yessss....
[A hip-hop joke.]
(Cheetor appears/his voice is heard over the transmission.)
CHEETOR: Predacon base, come in!
MEGATRON: Hmmm, Pussy-cat! Yesssssssss! State your business.
DOUG (as Cheetor): This is my command. You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix
of Leadership.
[In "Transformers: The Movie", when Megatron told Unicron, "State your
business!", the planet-eater responded with the line above.]
CHEETOR: {Listen up, you miswired metalheads. You botched up your
little attitude adjustment on Optimus.} He's flamin' toward
you on the red-eye express, and he's loaded for mainframe
combat!
DOUG: So, who's Mainframe fighting?
PHIL: The company that did "Dinozaurs".
[Mainframe was the company that animated "Beast Wars" and "Beast Machines".
"Dinozaurs", both the CG series and the transforming dinosaur toys, were an
obvious attempt by Bandai to cash in on the surprisingly resurgent
Transformers popularity that "Beast Wars" had spawned.]
CHEETOR: {So what do you say you fork over that anti-virus
before you get vaped?}
MEGATRON: Any renegade Maximal who blunders into our base will *not
survive*. Megatron out.
(Megatron turns to Scorponok.)
MEGATRON: Incompetent bug.
SCORPONOK: *gasp*
DOUG: (as Scorponok) Actually, I'm an arachn - ow.
(Megatron hits Scorponok.)
(Outside.)
CHEETOR: Beast mode.
(Cheetor transforms and heads to the others.)
RATTRAP: Eh, well?
PHIL: A deep hole with wat --- eh....
[Another old joke.]
CHEETOR: {It didn't work! All we did was tip 'em off}, and now
they're gonna be waiting for him. (turns to Dinobot) You and
your bright ideas!
DINOBOT: It would appear that only Optimus can truly think like
Optimus.
SIPHER: To think like the Optimus. To live like the Optimus. Why are these
things not in the Plan?
[A line from the astoundingly bad movie "Robot Monster", where the ape-suited
destroyer of (almost) all of humanity wonders why they must be so different
from humans emotionally.]
DINOBOT: {For the rest of us, we must now... think on our own.}
(Darkside bridge.)
MEGATRON: Report.
BLACHARACHNIA: Three direct hits. Outer hull has been breached.
DOUG: And our cargo door is unprotected, and he's bearing down on it!
[A line from the MST3K episode "Riding With Death", in which trucking is a
target for some very suggestive lines. The lift here is "My rigid grill
structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door!" This in turn
inspired another one of MG-Dinobot's famous fanfic lines for Dinobot:
"My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo
door!"]
MEGATRON: {Tarantulas -- destroy the intruder!}
(Optimus starts walking through the interior of the Darkside,
growling all the time.)
(Tarantulas slides down a web in beast mode behind Optimus)
PHIL: So is he going to kiss Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain?
DOUG: Ew.
[Referring to the 2002 "Spider-Man" movie.]
TARANTULAS: *quietly cackles*
(Optimus stops, turns.)
TARANTULAS: *cackles again*
PHIL: You'd think he'd want to keep quiet.
(Tarantulas fires his gun, but Optimus catches the projectile.
He then waves his finger and shakes his head in a "Naughty
naughty" movement.)
SIPHER: Silly spider, missiles are for Preds!
[Referring to the Trix Rabbit. In the cereal commercials, the Rabbit
would always try to steal the kids' Trix cereal, and when he was
thwarted, at least one kid would say, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"
(Optimus starts walking towards Tarantulas who fires all his
leg guns. Optimus gets hit multiple times, and although we
see him getting damaged, he keeps on advancing.)
(Optimus gets right next to Tarantulas who cowers.)
OPTIMUS: Rrrrrrrrr!
(Optimus grabs Tarantulas and holds him up against the wall.
After seeing his legs off the floor, we see Optimus hold up
the pointy end of the projectile. We see a close up of
Tarantulas, who knows what's coming.)
DOUG: (meekly, ala Daffy Duck) mother
[In several Warner Bros. cartoon shorts, Daffy Duck would meet impending
doom with a meek "mother".]
(He then impales Tarantulas on his own weapon.)
TARANTULAS: *strained gasp*
SIPHER: Dude, who let one?
(Optimus leaves Tarantulas on the wall.)
PHIL: Oh, I do like the new art. Picasso from his Blue period, I think.
[Picasso being the famous painter. We don't know for sure if he
had a Blue period, but it sounded good.]
(Darkside bridge.)
BLACKARACHNIA: He's inside. And the other Maximals are coming.
MEGATRON: Take Terrorsaur and defend the perimeter. Waspinator --
Stop Optimus now!
WASPINATOR: Oooooo! Waspinator get him!
ALL: Yay, Waspy! Woo! Go! (etc)
(Waspy turns the corner, and as he heads down the corridor, we
hear Optimus' screams echoing in the distance.)
WASPINATOR: *confused, frightened sound*
ALL: (ad-lib lines from "Aliens")
["Alien", "Aliens", etc. were a series of movies featuring, well, aliens.
Rather nasty things, too. In at least one of them, the main characters
are in corridors chasing/being chased by the creatures, and they hear it
coming.]
(Waspy hugs the wall, listening as footsteps come closer. From
his viewpoint, we see nothing, but the room starts to shake.
Waspy gets his gun at the ready.)
(Optimus crashes through the wall and pulls Waspy backward.)
PHIL: (as Kool-Aid Man) OH, YEAH!
[The old Kool-Aid commercials featured Kool-Aid Man crashing through walls
while shouting out "OH YEAH!"]
(Optimus throws Waspy against a different wall and starts toward
the body. Waspy covers his face.)
SIPHER: (as Arthur) Not in the face, not in the face!
DOUG: (as Tick) Needs work, Chum!
[From "The Tick" cartoon episode, "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account".
The pair are working on their battle cries. Tick uses his famous
"SPOOOOOON!" for the first time, while Arthur comes up with his own.]
(Optimus fires and we hear Waspy yelp [or something] in pain.
Extreme zoom/close-up on Optimus, who starts glitching again,
looks right and then left and heads down another corridor.)
(Outside, the Maximals make their way towards the base, Rhinox's
Chaingun of DOOM(TM) is spinning.)
SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!
(Terrorsaur and Blackarachnia start firing on the Maximals,)
PHIL: LESS FILLING!
(Cut back to the Maximals who return fire.)
SIPHER: TASTES GREAT!
(Back to the Preds.)
PHIL & DOUG: LESS FILLING!
[The old Miller Lite beer commercials which featured two people or
groups arguing as to which quality of Lite was better.]
(Both sides take cover behind rocks and the battle continues.)
(Darkside corridor. Optimus is walking but stops when he
remebers Cheetor's words.)
CHEETOR: (as memory voice-over) Is there any of the old
Optimus left? Don't let it go, Big-Bot. Don't let this...
*thing* tweak you out of control.
DOUG: (as Obi-Wan) Use the Force, Luke.
["Star Wars", natch.]
(Optimus looks around, looking for the source of the voice.)
OPTIMUS: Cheetor... Cheetor....
(Outside.)
RHINOX: Cheetor -- NOW.
PHIL: So, if you say his name three times, does Cheetor go away?
[From the film "Beetlejuice". If you said "Betelgeuse" three times,
the title character would either appear or disappear.]
(Rhinox lays down cover fire against the rock the Preds are
hiding behind.)
CHEETOR: Beast mode!
(Cheetor transforms and runs past the Preds into the base.)
(Darkside interior. Optimus has made his way into the
research area. He scans the room, looking for the anti-virus.
He finds where it should be -- but it's gone.)
DOUG: (as Tankor) Where bug and dino go?
[From the "Beast Machines" episode "Fires of the Past". Tankor's line
was "Where.. bug and... mouse GO?", very strained and painful.]
OPTIMUS: *grunts*
(Optimus is glitching more and more, and he falls to the ground,
grasping his head and then clutching his chest in pain.)
SIPHER: (as Primal) No more... burritos....
(Opposite side of the room, we hear Megatron and see a faint
green glow. He's got the anti-virus.)
MEGATRON: Looking for this, perhaps?
(Optimus gasps. Close up on Megatron with the green glow on
his face.)
PHIL: In the year two thooouuu-saaand!
[From the skit on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". Conan and Andy (or
a special guest) sit in the dark with flashlights shining on their
faces. La Bamba, the trombone player in the show's band, sings in a
falsetto the line Phil sang above.]
MEGATRON: {Gorilla warfare suits you. The old Optimus would
have never made it this far.}
OPTIMUS: What... is it you want?
MEGATRON: Your allegiance in exchange for this anti-virus, yes....
OPTIMUS: And... if I refuse?
PHIL: (as Megatron) Then you do not get to Do the Dew, no.
[Simply a set-up for a joke later.]
MEGATRON: {You cannot refuse. No, not if you want to survive.}
Join me or perish!
OPTIMUS: (Grunts several times, weakly to start, gets more
berserk.) Huh... Oh, YES! Then why not end this here and now,
Megatron!
(Optimus rips off the virus mine.)
MEGATRON: Ah, you fool! You'll destroy us all!
SIPHER: (singing) Armegeddon it!
[Def Leppard's "Armageddon"]
OPTIMUS: Just a little trick I learned from a flower, Megatron!
PHIL: Throwing fireballs?
DOUG: (sings the Super Mario Bros theme)
[From the first "Super Mario Bros." game.]
(Optimus throws the mine so it lands on the back of Megatron's
neck. Megatron panics, tosses up the anti-virus syringe, and
starts running out of the room.)
MEGATRON: (Suddenly deeper voice) SCOR-PON-NOOOOKKKKKKKKK.......
(Cheetor enters, transforms, grabs the syringe.)
OPTIMUS: Spark... huh... fading.....
DOUG: (as Optimus) I see... pudding.....
[A throwback to the MSTF in 2001. In "Dark Awakening", Optimus Prime said
"Darkness. Cold. Then, light." Doug responded with, "Then... pudding. I
don't know why." There's no real reference here, but Doug liked that line
so much, Phil included it again in this year's performance.
CHEETOR: {Hang on, Big-Bot. Got the anti-virus right here.}
(Cheetor jams the syringe into Optimus' chest. The anti-virus
takes effect, curing Optimus of his berserker rage.)
SIPHER: I hope your Mountain Dew was tasty tonight... STEVE.
[From David Willis' hilarious parody "Run Student Run". Download it at
http://www.itswalky.com/david/men.html and see for yourself. An in-joke
that only a dozen or two people would get, but we didn't care.]
CHEETOR: Yes! We're online! Let's bail before that thing blows!
(Megatron runs into the room with Scorponok.)
MEGATRON: Get this thing off of me! Now!
(Cheetor and Optimus exit the Pred's base amidst firefight.)
CHEETOR: Time to fade, heroes!
(They do so.)
(Scorponok has succeeded in taking the mine off Megatron, but it
hits critical and glows white. They turn to look at the camera
right before it explodes. We see several viewpoints of the
explosion.)
PHIL: ... kind of... weak explosion, there.
SIPHER: Yeah.
DOUG: Take out everyone within sprinting distance, will it?
SIPHER: If "take out" means "cause you to have gunpowder on your face."
(Scene changes to Optimus' quarters on the Axalon. Dinobot is
keeping watch while Optimus rests. Optimus wakes up.)
OPTIMUS: Bedside vigil, Dinobot? Not like you.
DINOBOT: It was.. my shift.... Well, ah, *ahem* it's, uh, good
to... have you back.
DOUG: (as Dinobot) I'm sick of doing laundry for you.
OPTIMUS: {Back home?... or back to normal?}
DINOBOT: (turns)... both. (smiles and leaves)
(Optimus notices that someone brought him a plant, the same kind
he was looking at during the opening scene. Presumably, Dinobot
is the one who gave him it.)
OPTIMUS: (chuckles) ("Closes" eyes again.)
SIPHER: (as Primal) ...GET IT OFF! GET IT OOOOOFFF!
-- FADE OUT --
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
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