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MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script
Episode Three
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EPISODE THREE: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE - THE DECEPTICONS
***************************************************************************
(Opens with flashback of the Pyramids)
"THE DECEPTICONS"
Written by
Greg Johnson
Directed by
James Boshier
KOJI: (voiceover) Throughout history, almost every civilization
that kept written records reported sightings of strange objects
and lights in the sky.
SIPHER: (as Koji) They also kept records of all the weird mushrooms they
found and ate.
KOJI: {Today, they're generally referred to as
"Unidentified Flying Objects" or "UFOs". In the past 60 years
there have been thousands of UFO sightings all over the world.}
My dad is one of the scientists that would investigate them,
Optimus.
OPTIMUS: It's a fascinating subject. I find it strange that
many people on Earth still refuse to believe they exist.
PHIL: Explain the "Weekly World News", then.
[One of those check-out line rags full of UFO stories and mermaids and such.]
(T-AI's little hovering projector approaches and she pops out of
it.)
SIPHER: Dutta-da-dat-dat-da! I! Am! Your sing-ing te-le-gram!
[From the movie "Clue".]
OPTIMUS: {How's it coming, T-AI?
T-AI: It's done, sir.} I unlocked the cybernetic seal on Dr.
Onishi's microchip, decoded the encrypted information, and
downloaded it.
DOUG: (as Austin Powers) Ooo, behave, baby.
[From the "Austin Powers" movies.]
OPTIMUS: Well done. Now, let's take a look and see what we have.
T-AI: The indicated location is grid coordinates L3-Delta5-point
2.
SIPHER: Doubleplus ungood.
[Double reference here. In the G1 episode "Kremzeek!", the little
electrical gremlin caused Teletraan-1 to go haywire and start spouting
gibberish, including the line "Doubleplus ungood". This, in turn, was a
reference to George Orwell's novel "1984".]
T-AI: {It must have been important to Dr. Onishi, but I don't know
why.} This graphic is all I could find.
(T-AI displays a map graphic and an image of what is clearly the
Devil's Tower monolith.)
ALL: (like in UHF) THIS MEANS SOMETHING. THIS IS IMPORTANT
[From the movie "UHF" which is in itself spoofing a scene from "Close
Encounters of the Third Kind".]
OPTIMUS: {Hmm. Perhaps the site of one of his archaeological
expeditions.}
KOJI: Hey, wait a minute! That's Castle Peak! My dad once
showed me that photograph. Sixty years ago, there were
eyewitness accounts of a UFO landing there.
OPTIMUS: Which no one took seriously except your father.
SIPHER: (as Optimus) And presumably the eyewitnesses.
OPTIMUS: {We'd better look into it. T-AI, contact the Autobot
Brothers.}
T-AI: They're on their way here right now -- but to speed things
up, I'll tell them to bypass headquarters and take the
Space Bridge directly to the coordinates.
OPTIMUS: I'll join them on their way there. And one more thing:
DOUG: (as Optimus) I'm pregnant.
T-AI: {Huh?}
OPTIMUS: As of now, we're on alert status. If that location was
important enough to encode on a microchip, then whatever we find
there could be dangerous.
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
[The little ditty that would play during Generation 1 episodes at a
scene change. One sigil logo would pull back, flip over, and a new
sigil logo would move forward.]
(The Autobot Brothers are on the Space Bridge.)
DOUG: The Earth's core has stopped rotating. Man's only chance of
survival is to tunnel to the center and kick-start--
SIPHER: Shut up.
[From the trailer to the 2003 movie "The Core".]
X-BRAWN: {C'mon, slowpokes; what're you waiting for?
PROWL: Right behind you, big brother!
SIDEBURN: Comin' through!}
OPTIMUS: Listen up! Time may be a critical factor on this
misson, so, pedals to the metal, gentlemen!
PROWL: What's the rush? I thought this story about the UFO
was just an old legend?
X-BRAWN: Maybe, but Dr. Onishi isn't the type to believe in
fairy tales.
DOUG: He's a sucker for Nigerian Bank scams, though.
[One of the many scams that arrives as SPAM in your E-mail account.]
SIDEBURN: {If there is a spacehsip on that mountain, where do you
think it came from?}
OPTIMUS: We'll find out soon enough! Let's move out!
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: Must you?
(An isolated mountain wilderness area, with Kelly hiking through it)
KELLY: Wow, the view is just incredible up here! And smell
that air!
SIPHER: Mmmm.... eagle poop.
KELLY: {It's so nice getting away from the grime and smog of
the city} -- I can breathe again!
(Space Bridge opens and Autobots drive out, past Kelly, kicking
up a huge cloud of exhaust & dust.)
KELLY: *cough cough* Hey, I'm communing here, go find your own
mountain!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: TRANSFORM!
DOUG: Aw, man, this is from the opening credits. Do we have to sit through
the entire episode again?
[The opening credits for "Robots in Disguise" ended with the Autobot
Brothers transformation sequence as seen here.]
OPTIMUS: All right, this is the location marked on the microchip.
Let's spread out and -- what's that noise?
(Pan down to see a cloud of dust being kicked up).
SLAPPER: (within a surging cloud of dust) Oh, my achin' back!
PHIL: (as Slapper) Now YOU carry me, Sky-Byte!
X-BRAWN: Looks like somebody's digging down there.
PROWL: Maybe they're archaeologists? It could be that Dr.
Onishi wasn't the only one who thought this place was worth
investigating.
SIDEBURN: Well, if they're scientists, maybe they can help us
out. (He approaches Slapper. As Slapper digs, all we see of
him above the dust cloud are his shoulders working.... it
looks like a frog rhythmically humping up and down.)
SIPHER: If this toad starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!
SIDEBURN: Um, excuse me, my friends and I are investigating
reports of a UFO landing around here and wondered if you
knew anything about it.
SLAPPER: That depends on who wants to know. Hey -- come to
think of it, your voice sounds kinda familar. Have we ever
met before?
(The dust slowly clears.)
ALL: HUH?! (screams & confusion)
DOUG: You know, you'd think Sideburn would have realized that the digger
was the same height as him, making him another robot....
SKY-BYTE: (digging in a cave, he overhears) That incompetent
fool must have got his tongue caught in the drill again! Hey,
get back to work! (stabs his claw into the cave roof, which
collapses). Eh? I think this is going to hurt.... aaargh!
(The ground caves in and Kelly falls into a sinkhole)
KELLY: Just my luck -- another vacation down the drain!
Aaaaaaa!
DOUG: Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaain!
[From Pokemon, in which the not-very-good-at-being-villiany Team Rocket
invariably are sent flying or falling upon defeat, always while shouting
that line. Kelly's equally cliche pun inspired the usage of that line.]
(The cave-in reveals a fallen spaceship.)
SLAPPER: Just look at the size of that thing.
PHIL: Cut the chatter, Red Two.
[Another "Star Wars" reference.]
SLAPPER: {It's gigantic!
SIDEBURN: Looks like Dr. Onishi was right after all.}
OPTIMUS: Yes, Sideburn, but what the doctor didn't know was that
the spacecraft that crashed here is from Cybertron.
SKY-BYTE: (eavesdropping) What? A Cybertronian vessel?
Interesting!
PROWL: Six Autobots were sent to Earth sixty years ago and
disappeared.
SIPHER: Six times.
PROWL: {Maybe this is why they couldn't make contact -- }
this could be their ship!
DOUG: One of six!
OPTIMUS: Let's find out. (He uses x-ray vision to view inside of
ship, and we see stasis pods.)
OPTIMUS: There are Transformers in that ship!
SIPHER: Well, DUH.
/OR/
SIPHER: Six of them!
OPTIMUS: {And it looks like their pods are still intact.}
PROWL: They've been suspended in there for quite a while,
Optimus; you think they're okay?
OPTIMUS: Yes, as far as I can tell none of their seals have been
broken.
PHIL: They'll still have that fresh coffee flavor.
OPTIMUS: {They're still in proto-entity form, like we were before
we chose vehicles to scan.} But as soon as we get them back to
headquarters we'll give them a lineup to choose from.
(The Preds suddenly rush in.)
SLAPPER: Guess again Auto-clowns -- you're not taking them
anywhere!
PHIL: But I paid good money for these Winger tickets!
[Winger was a hair band from the 1980's. Which is to say that many people
think their music stinks.]
DARKSCREAM: {We're the ones that found that spaceship, so
whatever's in it belongs to us!}
GAS-SKUNK: That's right! Whoever finds a derelictable vessel
DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm. Derelicticious.
[Homer Simpson, of course, famous for (among other things) drooling while
thinking of anything remotely foody.]
GAS-SKUNK: {has the right to salvage its contents. You can look
it up.}
OPTIMUS: We would never let you take them... even if you were right!
SIPHER: Because laws suck! Anarchy! AN-AR-CHY!
SKY-BYTE: {We are right!
OPTIMUS: The salvage law applies only when a vessel has been
abandoned by its crew.} We're taking our fellow Autobots back
with us.
SKY-BYTE: I don't think so, Prime. We're taking that spacecraft,
pod-people and all!
SIPHER: Pod People? They've got MST episodes on board?
[Well, DUH.]
/OR/
SIPHER: "Trumpy you can do stupid things!"
["Pod People" is a bizarre E.T. knockoff that became an MST episode. The
trunk-nosed alien in it is named "Trumpy" by a young boy.]
MEGATRON (unseen at first): No, Sky-Byte. I'm feeling especially
generous today. (flies into view in jet mode, transforms into
robot mode). Optimus, you Autobots may do as you wish with the
spacecraft. It's yours for the taking. (transforms) But the
Autobot crew-members aren't part of the deal. They're mine now!
X-BRAWN: Forget it, Megatron. Those are *our* guys in there!
DOUG: There they are, our little guys...
[From the "Beast Wars" episiode "Cutting Edge".]
MEGATRON: Not for long! (laughs; transforms into hand mode and
punches into spaceship; emerges holding the six pods.)
PHIL: (as Megatron) I rolled a six! Prowl, take six damage! Ha ha!
[A generic role-playing game reference.]
SIDEBURN: The pods!
MEGATRON: Don't worry, Autobots. Be assured you'll be seeing your
friends again very soon -- at the other end of a laser beam!
(laugh; flies away)
DOUG: (as Megatron) Because you'll be shooting them! Hahahaha - wait.
OPTIMUS: He'll have to land eventually, and when he does we'll be
there. Move out!
SKY-BYTE: You're not going anywhere! Shark Spike!
SLAPPER: Tongue Lash Attack!.
GAS-SKUNK: Tail Blade Slash!
DARKSCREAM: Dark Sword Strike!
SIPHER: Loogie Hock!
DOUG: Noogie Head Rub!
PHIL: Uh, Doogie, er, Howser, um... I got nuttin'.
[Sipher commented that this was one of his favorite jokes in this episode.]
OPTIMUS: {We've got to get past them to follow Megatron. Flying
Fist!} (It punches through the Predacons. Then Prime's shoulder
rocket clusters appear out of nowhere). Strafe attack! (pummels
the Preds with rockets as they helplessly try to run away.)
DARKSCREAM: I've never seen that guy so angry! He's firing his
whole arsenal at us!
SIPHER: Yeah, he's really shooting his ARSE(enal) off.
SLAPPER: Don't talk, just run! Whatever you do don't slow down!
We got what we're looking for, so now all we gotta do is get outta
here while we still can!
OPTIMUS: Well, their attack served its purpose: Megatron is
gone.
DOUG: And with him all hope.
[Another "Transformers: The Movie" reference.]
PROWL: I don't get it. We've got the microchip; how did
Megatron know the ship was here?
X-BRAWN: It's obvious, isn't it? He didn't need the microchip;
he's got Dr. Onishi.
PHIL: Yeah, you know, the guy you Autobots are supposed to be LOOKING FOR?
SIDEBURN: {Of course. But the doctor only knew it was a UFO. How
did Megatron know about the Cybertrons?}
X-BRAWN: He didn't --
OPTIMUS: -- until the Predacons overheard me and contacted him.
What have I done?
SIPHER: Oh, pretty much gave the Decepticons the upper hand and
screwed your side royally. Way to go.
[Commercial Break.]
(Outside view of the Megastar.)
(Within the Megastar, all the Preds are gathered around the pods.)
DOUG: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Megatron come over!
["Red Rover" is a children's game where two teams line up holding hands.
One team yells, "Red Rover, Red Rover let XXXXX come over!" where XXXXX
is the name of one of the other team members. That person tries to run
and break through the clasped hands of the first team. If he does,
he gets to go back to his own team and take one opposing team member
with him. If not, he joins the opposing team. When all the people are
gone from one team, the game is over.]
MEGATRON: {My decision to look for that shuttle has proven more
fortuitious than I could have ever imagined! As protoforms,
those Autobots can be altered and used as tools for getting rid
of Optimus and his friends!}
SKY-BYTE: But Megatron -- they're Autobot soldiers! They
leave the stasis pods, and they'll attack us!
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) And you'll blame us, and you'll hit me, and I'll
cry!
SLAPPER: Exactly, it's too dangerous. We should get rid of those
pods right now!
DARKSCREAM: Let me do it! My freeze beam will turn them into ice
cubes!
PHIL: If only one of the others had a beam to turn them into vodka.
GAS-SKUNK: Why should you have all the fun? I'll take care of
those guys!
MEGATRON: You'll do nothing of the sort! If I had wanted those
proto-entities destroyed, I would have done it myself.
PREDACON STOOGES: Awwww!
MEGATRON: I have other plans for those Autobots.
DOUG: I hear one of them involves a new sundeck and swimming pool.
SKY-BYTE: But they're our enemies; what possible use could they
be?
MEGATRON: (very long loud shriek-y laughter that gets
progressively louder and crazier)
DOUG: (starts laughing along stupidly about halfway through, until just
before the sigil flip): Heh heh. Ha ha ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA --
I don't get it.
[Partly from a hyena character appearing in bumpers in the '70s
Hanna-Barbera "Pebbles & Bam-Bam" show, but mostly from Barney Gumble
at the very end of the "B-Sharps" episode of "The Simpsons".]
(Sigil Change)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: I'm warning you.
(A military base. Tanks drive around, shuttles take off, and a
tanker truck drives by.)
DOUG: Meanwhile, in Baghdad....
[A throw-away reference comparing all the military vehicles to the current
situation in Iraq. For some reason, this got a huge reaction at the
actual presentation.]
(Kelly is sitting in a jeep, crying.)
KELLY: Whenever I try to take a vacation, something always
ruins it! It's not fair!... (brightly) On the other hand, the
soldiers that rescued me after the earthquake are really cute!
PHIL: Pathetic! Why doesn't she just go beg for hook-ups on Transformers
boards like a normal person?
KELLY: {And I think one of them has a crush on me. (giggles)
This could be a pretty good vacation after all! (giggles)
Yeah!}
(Switch to SkyByte's P.O.V.: He's "targeting" Kelly, who
laughs wildly as cartoon hearts circle her head.)
DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Megatron, we seem to have invaded one of those
shampoo commercials....
[Referring to the Herbal Essences shampoo commercials.]
MEGATRON: {Can you see the entire base?
SKY-BYTE: Let me widen the range -- all right, now what?}
MEGATRON: Tell me what kind of military vehicles you see.
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) I see dead military vehicles.
[Referring to the movie "The Sixth Sense".]
SKY-BYTE: {Some tanks, some self-propelled artillery, and a few
helicopters.}
MEGATRON: Our protoforms will scan the most powerful vehicles
and within a few minutes become the mightiest combat force
this planet has ever known!
DOUG: The A-Team?
[Early to mid 1980's NBC show about a team of Vietnam vets who broke out
of prison after being falsely accused. They were a team who were hired
to help the little guy out. Or something.]
SKY-BYTE: {Megatron, what's to keep them from using their
powers against us?}
MEGATRON: As the Autobot protoforms begin scanning, I will
infuse them with code from my own spark energy, and when
they've taken form, they'll be mine to command.
SIPHER: To retreat.
MEGATRON: {By the time their configuration is completed} they
will be my loyal and dedicated servants! Invincible warriors!
SKY-BYTE: With your spark energy they'll be unbeatable...
DOUG: Losers.
DARKSCREAM: ...not to mention sneaky, sly, and deceitful....
PHIL: Losers.
GAS-SKUNK: ...underhanded, diabolical, and devious...
SIPHER: Losers.
SLAPPER: Let's not forget overbearing, egotistical, arrogant,
conceited and verbose! Bombastic, powerhungry, vain,
self-serving, greedy, maniacal and a real pain in --
(Megatron punches his head down into his shoulders)
PHIL: WhY mY sHOulDeRs hURt?
[And the final reference to Matt Marshall's comic. See above.]
SLAPPER: {I knew I shoulda kept my mouth shut!} The boss just
doesn't know how to take a compliment...
MEGATRON: Be silent! Take the pods to the Army base and start
the scanning process.
DOUG: (as Megatron) I gotta transfer all my vacation photos to CD.
(Darkscream and Slapper carry a pod towards a Jeep.)
DARKSCREAM: I guess we can start with that one, right?
SLAPPER: Right. (They are about to start scanning when there's
an explosion.) What's going on?
(Gunfire explodes around them.)
DARKSCREAM: They're shooting at us!
SLAPPER: Megatron forgot to tell us about this part of the plan!
SIPHER: Which means he'll blame Sky-Byte for it.
/OR/
SIPHER: (as Sky-Byte) Oh, I knew Megatron was going to blame me!
[RiD Megatron really did seem to do this a lot.]
(Artillery fire upends Kelly's jeep; she screams, falls
sideways, but suddenly "blips" into landing on her feet from a
totally sideways position. Runs away.)
ALL: SUUUUURGE!
[Another Surge soda pop commercial reference.]
KELLY: {I shoulda known!} From now on I'll stay home and watch
travelogues! I'm never gonna go on vacation again!
(Darkscream and Slapper are dodging the gunfire.)
MEGATRON: Incompetent fools; that's precisely the type of
vehicle I want the Cybertrons to scan!
SKY-BYTE: Darkscream -- stop running you coward, and scan that
vehicle immediately, do you understand?
PHIL: (singing) Scan in the place where you are....
[A riff on REM's "Stand".]
DARKSCREAM: That's easy for you to say, you're not the one
they're shooting at! (They scan an artillery truck; the driver
screams and jumps out before the scanning SFX covers the cab
section.)
SIPHER: This was better when Unicron did it.
[Similar effects were used when Megatron and other Decepticons were
changed into Galvatron, Cyclonus, and the Sweeps by Unicron in
"Transformers: The Movie"]
(The scene is then re-played on the Autobot computer
screen.)
T-AI: Uh-oh; Megatron wouldn't have allowed those protoforms to
scan anything unless he'd figured out a way to control them.
DOUG: With an NES Advantange.
[Same as the "Ghostbusters 2" reference above.]
KOJI: What do you mean?
T-AI: The vehicles on that army base... they all have one thing
in common.
PHIL: They look just like the Combaticons!
[The toys that were used for Mega-Octane, et al, were repaints of the
G1 Combaticons.]
KOJI: {They're weaponry!}
T-AI: {That must be why Megatron is scanning military vehicles.}
Optimus, come in! I've found them. They're at the McKinley army
base and they're outfitting weapons there.
(The spacebridge)
DOUG: In cute little dresses with pink frilly things.
OPTIMUS: {Copy that, T-AI, we're on our way!}
(Sigil Transition)
PHIL: (singing G1 Sigil theme) Do do do do do....
SIPHER: That's it!
DOUG: Now, now, play nice, you two.
(Back at the base, Darkscream and Slapper are laughing as the
scan continues.)
MEGATRON: And now I shall inject my spark energy into the
protoform! (He does so. Meanwhile, the Autobots arrive.)
OPTIMUS: Optimus Prime -- Transform!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: Transform! Transform! Transform!
(The stasis pod glows, then bursts.)
DOUG: Run to the light, Carol-Anne!
[A "Poltergeist" reference.]
(Mega-Octane emerges.)
MEGA-OCTANE: Mega-Octane -- Transform!
MEGATRON: Too late, Optimus! Say hello to Mega-Octane -- the
first Decepticon!
OPTIMUS: What?
PHIL: No, not "What" -- "Hello"!
SIDEBURN: {Decepticon? But he's an Autobot!}
PROWL: What he is depends on the condition of his personalitty
grid. If Megatron has altered it --
X-BRAWN: -- then he wouldn't think like an Autobot anymore and
he'd see us as the enemy.
OPTIMUS: There's only one way to find out.
DOUG: (as Optimus) I have to find his rub symbol!
["Rub symbols" were heat-sensitive sigils that were found on the G1 toys
starting with the second year. These were used to prove that the toys
were Transformers and not other types of transformable robots.]
OPTIMUS: (He approaches Mega-Octane.) My name is Optimus Prime.
I'm the leader of our kind here on Earth. And in their name,
allow me to welcome you to your new home.
MEGA-OCTANE: No thanks! (He leans forward and shoots, knocking
Prime down.)
SIPHER: There goes half the episode's animation budget....
[One of "Robots in Disguise" faults was animation that wasn't the best.
Oh, if only we knew what "Armada" would bring....]
OPTIMUS: What has Megatron done to you?
DOUG: He gave him the stupidest name in Transformer history! Wouldn't you
be a little ticked-off?
MEGATRON: (laughs) {You're wasting your breath, Optimus: he
won't listen to you!} He's a Decepticon now and loyal only to
me! And very soon, now, the others will join him. Their
firepower combined with my leadership will make the Decepticons
unstoppable!
OPTIMUS: You fiend!
SIPHER: Yes, you dastardly do-er, you!
MEGATRON: {Mega-Octane, your fellow Decepticons will soon be
joining you.} If the Autobots interfere, destroy them!
MEGA-OCTANE: With pleasure my lord!
[Commercial Break.]
MEGA-OCTANE: I am at your command, Megatron
DOUG: (as Megatron) Go fetch me the sports section, then!
[Another reference to one of the jokes in the 2001 MSTF presentation.
Sipher, Doug, and Phil were laughing about those jokes for hours during
and after that BotCon, and Phil threw it in here just as a very inside
in-joke.]
MEGATRON: {The other Decepticons are going to start scanning
now.} Your mission is to make certain that the scanning process
is successfully completed.
MEGA-OCTANE: I understand, sir. Consider it done!
SKY-BYTE: Take those stasis pods closer to those vehicles and
begin scanning!
OPTIMUS: It's showtime, guys.
PHIL: (singing) Overture!
DOUG: (singing) Curtain, lights!
SIPHER: (singing) This is it --
ALL: (singing) The night of nights!
[From "The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show" or other variations of said show
on ABC Saturday mornings in the 80's/90's.]
OPTIMUS: {We've gotta stop them now before they all become
Decepticons!
AUTOBOT BROTHERS: RIGHT!
MEGA-OCTANE: Think again, Autobots! (lean & shoot, again)
OPTIMUS: Get back!}
MEGA-OCTANE: (to SkyByte) I'll hold them off! Take the pods
to the vehicles and begin scanning.
SKY-BYTE: Megatron's plan is working perfectly. What are you
waiting for, you fools? Don't just stand there, get to work!
DOUG: (as Basil) Yes, dear. I'm DOING it dear.
[Basil Fawlty, the henpecked husband from John Cleese's short-lived
British TV comedy "Fawlty Towers".]
SLAPPER: There's a good one. A tank'll make a great Decepticon!
(He scans a tank.)
GAS-SKUNK: That cannon'll make scrapple-ets {*note: pronounced
as written, 3 syllables*} out of the Autobots! (He scans a jeep.)
PHIL: It'll turn 'em into fried cornmeal and pork?
DOUG: (as Ahnuld from THE CRITIC): Dat's not koh-sha.
["Pork" is actually too kind a term for the parts of the pig used in
scrapple. Times were *really* tough when this stuff was invented, folks.
One of the films Jay Sherman reviews in an episode of "The Critic" is
"Rabbi P.I.", in which Arnold goes undercover as a Chassidic Jew. This
is one of the "snappy retorts" in the clips shown. We'll spare you the
musical number. Well, maybe just a little bit...]
DARKSCREAM: {We need air support -- that helicopter's perfect.}
(He aims and shoots.)
KELLY: (trying to get into the copter): Is anybody in there?
I gotta get outta here! (She bolts away as the scan-beam hits
the copter.) Nevermind, I'll find another ride!
DARKSCREAM: This Decepticon is going to have plenty of
firepower; that helicopter is armed to the teeth!
PHIL: I didn't know helicopters *had* teeth.
SIPHER: Transtech Ro-Tor!
["Transtech" was one of Hasbro's ideas to follow Beast Machines that
ultimately was scrapped in favor of bringing Japan's "Car Robots" over
and start work on "Armada". It featured decidedly different designs for
familiar characters that had more wicked facial features and alt-designs.]
MEGATRON: {Sky-Byte, why aren't you scanning? Get with the
program! Find a vehicle for that protoform immediately!}
SKY-BYTE: At once, sir! (To himself) The vehicle with the most
power will make the most powerful Decepticon and so....
DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Look, an Edsel!
PHIL: I'm an Edsel. No -- I'm Edselor!
SIPHER: (pounds on Phil)
[From "Beast Wars" "Pilot, Pt 1". Basically, it's a way of making a stupid
Transformer name just by slapping an "-or" to the end of a word in some
fashion.]
OPTIMUS: {Forget it Sky-Byte! TRANSFORM! Power Stream! (water
knocks Sky-Byte down. He drops the pod, which sends its scan
beam shooting straight up.)}
MEGATRON: You incompetent fool! What in the world are you
aiming at?
(The scan-beam approaches a vulture.)
SKY-BYTE: Oh -- we only want vehicles! If that bird gets
scanned we'll have another Predacon to deal with! I can't
look...
ALL: NEITHER CAN WE.
(The vulture dodges the beam which hits the shuttle instead.)
MEGATRON: A space shutle Decepticon! Well done.
DOUG: But I ordered my stake rare.
MEGATRON: {Under my leadership, he will become a mighty warrior!
(He does a four-way spark infusion on all the pods. They glow
and burst, revealing four Decepticon vehicles.)
MEGA-OCTANE: Decepticons -- Transform!
(All vehicles transform into the small Commandos. They remain
totally silent and motionless for a long slow panning shot.)
SIPHER: (as Mega-Octane) Decepticons -- don't say anything! Good boys.
OPTIMUS: There's only one pod left!
X-BRAWN: They've got too much firepower, Optimus; we'd never
get to it in time!
MEGATRON: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah, so true! (Swoops down and grabs the
final pod.)
SIDEBURN: Oh no! We're too late, guys! Megatron just grabbed
the last pod!
PHIL: Weren't you paying attention five seconds ago?
MEGATRON: {Yes, and soon the last of your fellow Autobots will
answer only to me!}
KELLY: (climbs into the tanker truck. Behind the wheel she looks
frazzled and psychotic): I'm getting out of here as fast as I
can, I didn't go to truck-driving school for nothing, you know!
(starts driving away)
SIPHER: BE SURE AN' TELL 'EM LARGE MARGE SENT YA!
AAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
[From the movie "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". PW is picked up in the dead of
night by a very scary trucker-woman, who apparently died in a wreck a long
time ago. It's one of many hilarious and poinlessly surreal scenes in a
hilarious and pointlessly surreal movie.]
SIDEBURN: {Hey Prowl what's up with the tanker truck?}
PROWL: You got me. I better check it out. (Uses x-ray vision
to see the liquid fuel in the tanker.)
DOUG: (as Homer) Mmmm.... Faygo.
[Thrown in as an in-joke for Transformers fan Ron "Robowang" Bedra.
In 2002, he kept singing the praises of a soda pop brand called "Faygo",
and brought some to share. That and "Faygo" is just a funny word.]
PROWL: That tanker is the one they use to refuel the space
shuttle. It's loaded with 10,000 gallons of rocket fuel.
SIPHER: Roughly.
X-BRAWN: Then we'd better hope that nobody uses it for target
practice! (He mumbles to himself as hundreds of rows of teeny
tiny numbers flash past him on the screen.) Let's see, divide
by three, carry the one.... Yep. That tanker gets hit, the
explosion will be so massive, that everything within a ten
mile radius is gonna be blown to smithereens!
PHIL: I'm glad he used such extensive calculation to determine
"smithereens".
MEGATRON: {Then that tanker is the perfect choice as the
vehicle for the last pod to scan! The energy in that rocket
fuel will make it the most powerful Decepticon of them all!}
Behold -- your mightiest enemy (obvious pause) ... is about to
take form!
(Kelly tries to avoid a ditch, but the truck overbalances and
topples)
ALL: (singing) I'm driving a truck with my high heels on!
[From "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Truck Driving Song", on his 1999 album
"Running With Scissors".]
SIDEBURN: {We've got to stop it from crashing!
X-BRAWN: There's no time; we're too far away!}
OPTIMUS: I'm on it! (He grabs the truck and sets it upright.)
MEGATRON: Well done, Optimus. Thanks to you I can now begin
scanning that tanker!
ALL: D'oh!
[Homer Simpson's famous phrase.]
MEGATRON: (He scans them both.) Now witness the
genesis of your destruction! (He infuses spark energy,
essentially "spooning" the pod in the process.)
SIPHER: Aw, look at that, they're dancing in air....
(Pod lands, glows, and bursts.)
SCOURGE: Scourge, TRANSFORM!
X-BRAWN: What the --? Are you guys seeing what I'm seeing?
DOUG: If you're seeing Galaxina, then ye-- er, I mean, no.
[Galaxina is a decidedly female robot from the movie of the same name. Also
used as a joke in MSTF 1997 and MSTF 1998.]
SIDEBURN: {Yeah, he looks an awful lot like you, Optimus.}
OPTIMUS: That's because Megatron scanned me and the tanker at
the same time!
PHIL: So shouldn't Scourge also be part woman? I mean, Kelly was IN the
scanned truck...
DOUG: Hey, that'd be a twist...
MEGATRON: {You are infused with my spark, but also that of
Optimus.} Are you Decepticon, or Autobot? ANSWER ME!
(Scourge stands motionless in an incredibly long "dramatic"
pause that, seriously, has got to last for at least 15
seconds. Stock-still facial close-ups of all the other
characters.)
DOUG: (as Megatron) And phrase it in the form of a question!
PHIL: (starts singing the "Final Jeopardy" music).
SIPHER: (joins in after the first line)
DOUG: (joins in after the second line)
ALL: (Sing the rest of the music, getting louder and ending with a
resounding "BUM BUM!")
["Jeopardy" is a long running trivia TV show with a familiar theme used
during 30 seconds of thinking in the show's final round. At the actual
MSTF, the performance team ended early, so we kept saying "BUM BUM!" to
"indicate" to the characters that we had had enough of their silence
and for Bob's sake just get on with the show.]
(Finally:)
SCOURGE: (eyes glowing evilly): I have only one purpose: to
serve Megatron. I have only one desire: to destroy Megatron's
enemies. I have only one mission: to lead the Decepticons to
victory!
DOUG: (as Scourge) I also only have one pair of socks.
MEGA-OCTANE: {Hold on, Scourge; who put you in charge?} I was
the first, so I should lead the Decepticons!
SCOURGE: Only the most fearless deserves that honor. Is that
you, Mega-Octane? (punch, flinch) No, I didn't think so.
PHIL: Thank God they settled that quickly, before it escalated to atomic
wedgies.
MEGATRON: Well done, Scourge! From this moment on you are
commander of the Decepticons. The rest of you will follow his
orders, is that understood?
DOUG: (Mo-Ron voice) Uh, dur, huh?
DECEPTICONS: {YES SIR!}
SCOURGE: Decepticons -- the Autobots are Megatron's enemies.
They must be eliminated!
SIPHER: (as Scourge) So let's draw straws.
[Commercial break.]
SCOURGE: Decepticons, it is time to prepare for combat!
DOUG: (as Mortal Kombat announcer) FINISH HIM!
[The first "Mortal Kombat" video game was a big hit in the early 90's.
When one person won two rounds of a fight, the announcer said "FINISH
HIM!", which was the cue for the player to perform the fatality move.]
SCOURGE: {Transform!}
DECEPTICONS: YES SIR! (They transform.)
OPTIMUS: Get ready!
PHIL: Get set!
SIPHER: Cower!
(The Decepticons blast everybody.)
PROWL: Their firepower is incredible. What are we gonna do?
DOUG: Find clean underwear.
X-BRAWN: {There's only one thing to do.} Fall back and regroup.
All right everybody, move out!
SIPHER: But I like it in my parents' basement!
(But the Decepticons' fire prevents them from retreating.)
SIDEBURN: {So much for that idea!}
SCOURGE: Decepticons, switch to maximum firepower!
(They keep shooting no differently from before; we now also
see Scourge's base shooting as well.)
DOUG: And this differs from before... how?
OPTIMUS: Optimus Prime, battle mode! (Transforms and shields
the Autobots from incoming blasts.) Scourge, you're an
Autobot! Fight Megatron's infusion of evil! It's not who you
really are!
SCOURGE: Why should I listen to you? You are Megatron's
enemy -- (eyes glow again) -- and the enemy must be
annihilated. Decepticons, attack! Destroy them!
(more shooting)
OPTIMUS: Blizzard Blast! (All the 'cons are coated with snow.)
PHIL: In the land of Dairy Queen, they treat you right!
[Dairy Queen fast food restaurants make Blizzard treats, which are
soft-serve ice milk mixed with candy or cookie pieces, etc. The line
Phil says was one of their slogans in the 80's.]
SCOURGE: {Your puny snowstorm will not stop me!}
MEGATRON: Scourge, that's enough! You've just come online.
You're not yet at full strength. You can finish them off
at another time.
PHIL: ... so, the Decepticons have the Autobots on the defensive, and
Megatron wants them to stop?
SIPHER: And they say he's not the same as the original Megatron.
DOUG: Zing!
[A snide comment about how G1 Megatron always seemed to retreat.]
SCOURGE: {Understood. Optimus Prime: The next time we meet,
you will cease to exist, I promise you. Decepticons, follow
me!}
DECEPTICONS: YES, SIR!
OPTIMUS: No! Wait!
PHIL: (as Optimus) I have more ice cream for you!
SCOURGE: {Try and stop me!} (Some more shooting, then all the
Decepticons retreat.)
OPTIMUS: Someday, I hope they'll find the strength to reject
Megatron's evil and find their own true sparks. But until
they do, they're Earth's most dangerous enemies.
SIPHER: I thought those were ex-Saturday Night Live cast members.
[Seriously. Most ex-SNL cast members make horrible movies after they
leave. Fear them.]
SKY-BYTE: (to the other Preds huddled nervously around him) I
hope you all have your resumes ready, because we may be out of
a job!
DOUG: (as Sky-Byte) Darn this weak economy!
(The Autobots hear loud whiny wailing in the distance. It's
Kelly.)
KELLY: WaaaAAAAAaaaaa..... What's the deal? Why does this stuff
always happen to me? I'm nice to everyone, I.....
(Saban logo appears.)
PHIL: Saban - just one letter away from the Prince of Darkness.
DOUG: Carl Sagan is the Prince of Darkness?
[Carl Sagan was a noted astronomer.]
(Fade out.)
OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
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