MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script

Fourth Skit

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SKIT FOUR: STATUS SYMBOLS
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DOUG: Y'know, OTFCC is a great chance for a bunch of Transfans to get
    together and just exist as one group of fans, sharing the Transformers
    love.

(Sipher and Phil look at Doug a bit strangely.)

SIPHER: ... right.  Well, I suppose you could say that.  I mean, we're
    all here because we love Transformers.

PHIL: I'm here because I thought Sammy Sosa would drive up from Wrigley
    Field.

(Sipher and Doug look at Phil a bit strangely.)

SIPHER: -- AND when you boil it down, we're basically all the same, just
    robot loving geeks.

PHIL: *clears throat*

DOUG: You, uh, don't agree, Phil?

PHIL: We're not all the same.  We've got some people here who are more
    important than others.

SIPHER: Well, sure.  You've got the guests.

DOUG: And Glen and the rest of the 3H staff.

PHIL: And me.

(Sipher and Doug look at Phil like he's out of his mind.)

SIPHER: Right, Phil.  You're better than us.

DOUG: I think the sleep-deprivation has gotten to you.

SIPHER: And it's only Saturday morning.

PHIL: No, really, it's true.  I've been around Internet Transfandom for
    over a decade.  I was there BEFORE there was any organized effort.

SIPHER: That just makes you *old*, Phil.

PHIL: ... quiet.

DOUG: Well, if you're going to go there, I was at the first BotCon.

PHIL: So were other people.

DOUG: Yeah, but who was instrumental in putting together that
    retrospective book?  Certainly not you, Old Man.

SIPHER: *pffft*  Please.  So you ATTENDED the first BotCon.  Who was
    performing at the first MSTF back in 1997?

(Sipher raises his hand.  Doug and Phil look at each other and, after
a beat, raise their hands, too.)

SIPHER: Phil, you weren't on stage.  What did you do?

PHIL: I was the "Lights!" guy.

DOUG: (slightly under his breath) And the guy who accidentally
fast-forwarded the tape....

SIPHER: Okay, so both of you were involved.  But WHO THOUGHT OF IT?  You,
Phil?  You, Spanky?

DOUG: "Spanky"?

PHIL: Yeah, and who suffered the most because of it?

DOUG: The audience?

PHIL: ... no.  You were sleeping for a week after that, Sipher.  I still
remember seeing you crashed out on the bed for hours after the convention
that Sunday.

DOUG: Why were you watching him, Phil?

PHIL: He was sleeping on my suitcase.

SIPHER: ANYway, the point remains that I thought of this.  ME ME ME ME ME.

DOUG: You know where to throw the tomatoes, folks.

PHIL: Okay, enough.  It's clear that actions and deeds won't clear up this
argument.  Time to settle this the old-fashioned way.

SIPHER: Sword fights?  Gun duels?  SWEET!

PHIL: No.  By comparing the size of our --

DOUG: Careful; this is a family show.

PHIL: -- Transformers collections.  I bet I've got more cooler stuff than
you.

SIPHER: Pffft.  Bring it on, big boy.

PHIL: Every single American released Transformer since 1995.  I got 'em all.

DOUG: Big deal.  I've got more Japanese Transformers from the 80's than you
can even possibly imagine.

SIPHER: So?  I've got Japanese Laserdiscs signed by some of the voice actors.

PHIL: Optimus Prime voice helmet.  I got it.

DOUG: Bluestreak 3-D puzzle.  Mine.

SIPHER: Mint in box Diaclone toys.

PHIL: Signed Beast Wars pilot scripts.

DOUG: Oooo, that's not bad.

PHIL: Well, I've got Tommy Kennedy's autograph!  (pulls out several Taco Bell
napkins)

SIPHER: (looks at napkins) Phil, you wrote this yourself.  I mean,
"'Leave me alone you scary nerd.  Love, Tommy Kennedy'?"

DOUG: That sounds real to me.

SIPHER: Yeah, but it's written on *Taco Bell* napkins.

PHIL: Where do you think he works these days?

SIPHER: I've got Action Master Predaking's artwork.

DOUG: I thought Karl Hartman had that and gave it back to Hasbro.

SIPHER: Oh, right, "Hasbro" has it....

DOUG: Well, I have Peter Cullen's autograph.

PHIL: So?  A lot of people do.

DOUG: Yeah, but I used it to get a credit card in his name.

SIPHER: Well, get this. I've got an original copy of the Robots in
        Disguise series bible!

DOUG: Really?! Where?

(Sipher looks confused for a minute, then points to the small notepad he's
been holding)

DOUG: Yeah? Well, check this out. *I* have famed Japanese Transformers
        illustrator Hirofumi Ichikawa!

SIPHER: WHAT?!

(Doug points to under the table. Sipher and Phil leap back in shock and
horror.)

SIPHER: Sweet honey-roasted Bob!

PHIL: I don't know what's scarier... that's he's hog-tied under the table,
        or that there's a Hello Kitty ball-gag in his mouth.  Anyway...
        *I've* got Tom Cruise!

DOUG: What does he have to do with Transformers?

PHIL: Dude, he sang the song on the Tonight Show!

SIPHER: Hanks.  That was Tom HANKS.

PHIL: Really?

SIPHER: Yes.

PHIL: ... oh, crap.

SIPHER: RIGHT. Since you seem to want to delve into the realm of scary...
        you want a truly hard-to-find piece of collectorable crap?

PHIL: Hit me.

(Sipher puts on a rubber glove, dives into his box, pulls out a garbage
bag, and pulls from THAT a videocassette box)

SIPHER: Dig THIS. The See & Read videocassette version "Satellite of Doom"
    and "When Continents Collide"!

(Phil and Doug react like vampires being shown a cross)

SIPHER: OOHHH-HO, yessss.

PHIL: No. You don't REALLY have one of those!

SIPHER: I do.

DOUG: You can't! That tape has broken many a young soul!

SIPHER: I know.

PHIL: HOW did it escape the purge?!

SIPHER: I found it in a back stock room next to some crummy old Ark of the
        Covenant.

DOUG: Don't look at it!

SIPHER: Ooooooooh no, Spanky. You're lookin' at it. EVERY PERSON IN THIS
        ROOM IS NOW GONNA LOOK AT IT.

PHIL: ... on the big screen?

(Sipher grins like a madman, which he is)

SIPHER: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU CHILDRENS'
        ENTERTAINMENT!!!

DOUG & PHIL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Sipher laughs maniacally...)

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!!

[At the performance, we cut a big portion of the script out due to time
constraints as well as getting to the funny stuff more quickly.  Phil
ad-libbed several lines, and the rest of the skit started right at the part
where Doug and Phil start comparing the size of their -- Transformers
collections.]

 - LIGHTS DOWN, UNPAUSE TAPE -

 - "NOW LOADING" BUMPER #4 -

TRANSCON 44 1/4TH!!!
        (Photo of a dumpster)
        Behind the McDonald's just up the road from this hotel

Bumper #4, by Philip N. Zeman

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