|
|
 |
MSTF 6: The Musical
The Annotated Script
Episode Four
***************************************************************************
EPISODE FOUR: SATELLITE OF DOOM / WHEN CONTINENTS COLLIDE
***************************************************************************
NARRATOR: Hi, everybody!
ALL: HI, DOCTOR NICK!
["Doctor Nick" is a character from "The Simpsons", whose trademark entrance
is to walk into a room and say, "Hi, everybody!" Everyone there responds
with "Hi, Doctor Nick!"]
NARRATOR: As you listen to The Transformers story...
DOUG: Hopeless bleak despair will consume your soul.
NARRATOR: Get ready for "Satellite of Doom"!
PHIL: (whimper)
(Picture of Soundwave and Megatron on an observation deck inside a
cavern. There are some bulldozers being operated by humans in the
background. Soundwave has one hand raised, finger pointing in the
air.)
SIPHER: (whistle) TAXI!
NARRATOR: Megatron, the evil Decepticon leader, stood on the
observation deck inside the tremendous two-hundred-square mile
cavern.
DOUG: He was taking photos for the folks at home.
NARRATOR: Next to him was his aide, Soundwave.
(Picture changes to a close-up of one of the bulldozers. The camera
shakes and moves to simulate action.)
ALL: (shaking back and forth, wailing)
SOUNDWAVE: How much longer are we going to have to stay under this
merciless desert, master?
NARRATOR: yelled Soundwave.
DOUG: (loud snerk)
MEGATRON: (voiced by Mumm-Ra) As long as it takes to complete our
task here,
SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra voice) Destroying the Thundercats!
[The "voice actor" for Megatron in this story is not Frank Welker. It is
someone who voices Megatron like Mumm-Ra, from the "Thundercats" 80's
cartoon.]
SOUNDWAVE: I was only asking, master, because this blasted sand
keeps getting in my cassette drives, and it's fouling everybody
else's transmissions too...
PHIL: (whiny) And I'm hungryyyy! I wanna gooooooooo!
MEGATRON: That is why we have lured these thousands of greedy,
carbon-based humanoids here...
DOUG: As opposed to the silicon-based humanoids.
SIPHER: Of course.
MEGATRON: ... using false promises of vast wealth and then making
them our slaves.
PHIL: The CSI Story!
[CSI is one of those "get your degree at home" deals, which always seemed
like a huge scam to Sipher.]
MEGATRON: Ironically amusing, isn't it?
SOUNDWAVE: It's certainly one of your better jokes, all-powerful
Megatron.
SIPHER: Still, you're no Carrot Top.
[Carrot Top is a comedian who makes dumb AT&T commercials and is regarded
as hugely unfunny by many people. Yet, the guy sells out show after show,
so he must be doing something right.]
NARRATOR: Moments later, the roaring turbines of another huge
Decpticon coal transporter-
(The transporter chroma-keyes over a backdrop to make it fly)
[Chroma-key here refers to super-imposing one image on top of another.]
DOUG: (Fearful) Dear God, not an electric razor!
PHIL: (Fearful) Even its NAME says Merry Christmas!
[Virtually the same reference appeared in MST3K episode #706, "Laserblast":
"NORELCO's plan for world domination... even its name spells
'Merry Christmas'." - Norelco is a brand of electric shavers. We
do not have further information about the "Merry Christmas" thing.
- http://mst3k.booyaka.com/references_guide/706.htm
Sipher thinks that "Merry Christmas" might come from an old commercial.]
NARRATOR: As the tons of coal poured out, slaves worked like ants
SIPHER: Carrying giant chicken legs and watermelons into tiny holes.
MEGATRON: What volume of coal is inside now?
NARRATOR: Megatron demanded.
SOUNDWAVE: Four hundred billion cubic yards, master.
SIPHER: Where'd they GET all this coal anyway?
PHIL: They raided the Kingsford plantations.
SIPHER: Ahhh.
[Kingsford is a brand name of charcoal briquettes.]
MEGATRON: Are the lectonite charges in place and primed?
SOUNDWAVE: Well, master, almost... you see the sand and transmission
problems have...
MEGATRON: Almost!
SOUNDWAVE: Everything will be completed on time, mighty Megatron!
PHIL: Just stop pointing your scary trigger-crotch at me!
SOUNDWAVE: ... within a cocoon of lectonite explosives, just as you
ordered!
MEGATRON: Your worthless mecha-life depends on that, Soundwave.
SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) Because you're a robot, see.
DOUG: Yes.
SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) That's why you have a mecha-life.
DOUG: Right.
SIPHER: (Mumm-Ra) That's a beard you'll have. In the future.
DOUG: What?
[From Comedy Central's "TV Funhouse", by Robert Smigel, creator of Triumph
the Insult-Comic Dog and the Ambiguously Gay Duo, among other things. In the
Christmas episode, one of the characters is visited by the Ghost Of
Christmas Past... who is actually there to show the older, bearded version
of him from the future what he was like in the past, that is, now, because
he's from the future, which is why he has the beard...]
NARRATOR: Skyfire's coded signal filled the Autobot command center,
where an impatient Optimus Prime, the fearless Autobot leader,
and his right hand, Prowl...
PHIL: Oh my GOD, he's only a HAND?!
DOUG: He's HAND-MAN!
SIPHER: Freakazoo!
[From the hilarious WB cartoon superhero parody "Freakazoid!". One of the
shorts featured Freakazoid's new sidekick Hand-Man... who was just his hand
done up with eyes, a very Senőr Wences deal.]
OPTIMUS: (warbly modulated voice) We tracked their transport to the
area until it disappeared from our screens.
SIPHER: (warbly voice) That's why we're just gonna sit here.
PROWL: Perhaps that earthling lying out there holds the answer,
chief.
OPTIMUS: He's totally unconscious and beyond answering questions.
PROWL: Not once the sensor drone reaches him and patches into his
residual brainwave pattern.
DOUG: (laughing) Oh, NICE!
PHIL: Medical aid? PHHHH. TAP INTO HIS BRAIN FIRST!
NARRATOR: Optimus Prime was puzzled.
OPTIMUS: Slaves?... A two-hundred square mile block of coal?...
SIPHER: A chunk of garden hose? Cotton balls? An eighty-two-degree angle?
[From the old Infocom text-adventure game "Leather Goddesses of Phobos".
Those were among the many odd items needed to be assembled to make the
Anti-Leather-Goddesses-Of-Phobos device and stop their evil plans.]
NARRATOR: As the Decepticon Command Ship blasted off, its enormous
rocket drives created a dust storm the size of a large city.
The lights of the control panel cast an eerie glow...
DOUG: Thanks to bad chroma-key.
MEGATRON: At least we no longer have to listen to the vile curses
and screaming from those pathetic slaves,
SIPHER: Who, Transformers fans?
SOUNDWAVE: No, master. They certainly weren't happy about being left
sealed up with all that coal.
PHIL: Or put in those stockings.
MEGATRON: The slaves' carbon base will soon join the carbon base of
the coal,
SIPHER: Whoa!
MEGATRON: thus creating the largest lens in the universe.
PHIL: So THAT'S how they made the Hubble!
[The Hubble Space Telescope is the largest telescope ever designed. It
orbits the Earth, and scientists use it to explore the deepest depths of
the universe.]
MEGATRON: ... millions of Earth years and multi-tons of pressure to
form the diamond I need.
SIPHER: I guess he's gonna propose to the toaster.
DOUG: Oooh.
[Nightbird joke. If you don't know, don't ask. We're being mean.]
MEGATRON: I shall create that crystal at the press of a button.
NARRATOR: And with that, Megatron released an explosion the force of
which the world had never seen,
ALL: (huge fart noise)
NARRATOR: The explosion left in its wake the largest diamond ever
formed.
SIPHER: Hundreds of dead humans in a childrens' story! Kick ASS!
PHIL: If he has THAT many explosives, why go through this elaborate
scheme? Why not just plant them at Autobot HQ?
DOUG: It's MEGATRON, Phil.
PHIL: Oh, right. Big blue griffin guy. Never mind.
[In the G1 episode "Aerial Assault", Megatron's big device that would
destroy the Autobots and help him reach galactic/universal conquest was
a big blue griffin. That was made powerless by one kick by Superion.
Seriously.]
NARRATOR: Megatron supervised the final laser cuts for the
refraction surfaces on the monstrous diamond satellite.
MEGATRON: T-minus ten minutes to launch, Soundwave... why are you
looking so grim?
DOUG: I've been rendered in Crayola. I can't HELP it.
SOUNDWAVE: ... my cassette drives... it's as bad as the sand from
the desert.
SIPHER: Soundwimp.
MEGATRON: Soon we Decepticons will have all the oil we need to bathe
and protect our drives and transmissions.
DOUG: And to jockstrap-wrestle in.
PHIL: That's it, I'm outta here. (Gets up to leave)
SIPHER: Siddown.
MEGATRON: Therefore, with my crystal satellite
PHIL: Of DOOM!
MEGATRON: ... a lens powerful enough to focus the puny energy of
their tiny sun...
DOUG: Someone's got size issues, I think.
SIPHER: Well, he DOES have a giant hole in his crotch.
MEGATRON: ... turning it into an ocean of oil! And from that oil, my
refineries will supply us with the fuel for the final defeat of
the Autobots and the conquest of the universe!
NARRATOR: But as Megatron spoke, he failed to notice Bumblebee, the
hovering Autobot spy
(A chroma-key insert of Bumblebee's card-art zips across the screen)
PHIL: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[In performance, this actually was done more like a Jetsons' car noise, sounds
provided by all three people. It worked disturbingly well.]
NARRATOR: First, the rumble of pre-ignition began
PHIL: Yeah, many rockets have problems with pre-ignition.
SIPHER: Eeee.
NARRATOR: Then, the main ignition kicked in with a blast that sent
shock waves reverberating along the ground and through the
jungle foliage and air alike.
SIPHER: So you're saying it was loud, then.
NARRATOR: But as the launch vehicle began to rise, a superjet
appeared.
OPTIMUS: Attack, brave Autobot Skyfire! Attack!
DOUG: Faster, Autobot! KILL! KILL!
[Referencing the movie "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"]
OPTIMUS: Destroy Megatron and this newest tool of his evil
imagination!
PHIL: I'm DOING it, shut UP!
NARRATOR: ... null rays and missiles was too late, however, as the
launch vehicle shrugged them off and rose up through the
atmosphere into space.
MEGATRON: Ha, Optimus Prime! You have met your match!
SIPHER: My face and your bu- wait.
NARRATOR: ... destroying the launch complex. Then he and the
Decepticons punched in their afterburners
DOUG: And their time-cards.
[Referring to factories that made workers punch a card with the time they
arrived and again when they left. Used to track how much time a worker
was actually at work.]
NARRATOR: ... to await the fruits of their foul plan.
(Shot of Earth from space)
NARRATOR: Never before had the Earth been so vulnerable and
unsuspecting.
SIPHER: It was about to collide with the Universal logo.
[The Universal Pictures logo is that of the Earth with the word "UNIVERSAL"
circling it.]
NARRATOR: .. of the villainous leader of the Decepticons, Megatron.
Having launched an enormous diamond lens satellite into
space...
PHIL: He did? I must have missed that.
(Shot of Soundwave and Megatron looking at the diamond-rocket on a
viewscreen)
NARRATOR: ... over the North American continent, he was now
preparing to fix its position so he could bring the full extent
of the sun's energy to bear and melt the Rocky Mountains into
an ocean of oil.
DOUG: The Anniversary Diamond. Tell her you'd liquefy a mountain range all
over again.
[Take-off of DeBeers Diamond television commercial.]
NARRATOR: Therefore, buried deep inside a remote location in
northeast America,
PHIL: We find Jimmy Hoffa.
[A famous Union leader who disappeared under... mysterious circumstances.]
NARRATOR: ... as they made the final adjustments to the satellite.
MEGATRON: Two-second burn on the starboard attitude thruster,
SIPHER: (Smarmy) Oooh, the ATTITUDE thruster.
MEGATRON: Shut down all engines.
SOUNDWAVE: Roger, all engines shut down at this time.
PHIL: Roger, Roger.
DOUG: Over, Oveur.
SIPHER: What's our vector, Victor?
[From the comedy movie "Airplane".]
MEGATRON: When the first rays of the sun strike it, the fun will
begin.
DOUG: Good, because THIS sure hasn't been a lot of fun!
NARRATOR: Inside the Autobot command center, Optimus Prime and Prowl
were also monitoring these last movements of the Decepticon
satellite as it assumed its stationary position far out in
space.
PROWL: (looking at the camera, not the viewscreen, hands splayed)
That's it, chief.
SIPHER: Is he playing an invisible piano?
PROWL: They've shut down all rocket engines.
OPTIMUS: Curious.
PROWL: And here comes the sun...
ALL: (singing) Here comes the sun... doot do doo doo...
[The Beatles song, written and lead-sung by George Harrison.]
PROWL: The refraction facets of the lens are beginning to focus a
BEAM of...
SIPHER: (goofy, matching the odd inflection on "beam") BEAM!
NARRATOR: Optimus Prime interrupted with shock and disbelieving
horror,
PHIL: And DULL SUPRISE!
DOUG: DING!
[Another MST3K reference, "Dull Surprise" being the sum total of Kathy
Ireland's range of emotions while acting.]
NARRATOR: ... the terrible weight and consequences of Megatron's
fiendish plan.
OPTIMUS: The energy of hundreds of millions of hydrogen bombs
concentrated on a confined area like that is going to
precipitate disastrous and deadly results!
DOUG: Quick, tape it, sell it to FOX!
[The FOX television network in the US is notable for having shows like
"World's Scariest Police Chases" or "When Animals Attack" or
"Man Versus Beast". "Masterpiece Theatre" it isn't.]
OPTIMUS: Millions will perish in the ensuing calamity...
SIPHER: (Max voice) Ensue. Ensue. I don't think that's a real word, Sam.
[From Steve Purcell's "Sam & Max: Freelance Police" comics.]
NARRATOR: As the first scorching rays of the satellite's beam began
to sear the mountains,
PHIL: Mutual of Omaha is there!
[Classic slogan for insurance company Mutual of Omaha, along the lines of
Allstate's "You're in good hands."]
NARRATOR: ... ten times a thousand fold.
SIPHER: A hundred billion million pogillion-fold plus one.
NARRATOR: ... and tons of smoke and soot began to rain down on the
continent.
DOUG: So Los Angeles remain unchanged, then.
NARRATOR: Slowly at first, secreting the moisture held tightly for
eons...
PHIL: Oh, STOP with the sexual imagery!
NARRATOR: Finally, sweating out the first signs of the precious
black fluid so dear to Megatron's callous heart.
DOUG: Black gold! Texas tea!
[From the theme song to "The Beverly Hillbillies".]
NARRATOR: ... at a rate beyond imagination,
SIPHER: Whoa, Hooks got a mention!
[Hooks X is a Transformers fan whose website was entitled "Beyond
Imagination".]
NARRATOR: ... of geologic formation wilted before it, changing from
a solid state to a liquid. Streams of gaseous molten lava and
oil flowed into rivers and then formed into lakes.
DOUG: Oooh baby, every time we kiss.
[South Park reference. Chef sings a song called "Hot Lava", which is
basically thin euphamism for... um... you'll figure it out.]
NARRATOR: ... sea of death threatened to engulf Los Angeles and the
entire West Coast.
PHIL: Someone call Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche!
[Both were in the 1997 movie "Volcano", about a volcano in Los Angeles.]
NARRATOR: ... it began moving eastward, menacing small desert towns
as it volume doubled and redoubled.
SIPHER: Man. First giant man-eating worms, then this.
[Either a sidelong reference to the "Tremors" movie and TV series, or
Sipher just making a non sequitur.]
(Shot of Skyfire being loaded up)
NARRATOR: And not having the luxury of time to come up with a
variety of solutions, Optimus Prime quickly improvised.
PHIL: He asked the audience for a famous actor, a location, and a
vegetable.
NARRATOR: But with Ratchet's mechanical wizardry, he was prepared to
try something.
OPTIMUS: Isn't Skyfire ready, Prowl? What's holding things up?
PROWL: Ratchet's good, chief, but he's only mechanical.
DOUG: And your bitching isn't gonna make things go faster.
PROWL: ... auxiliary booster tanks attached and fueled up... Oh,
that's it, chief, Ratchet just gave me the go-ahead!
OPTIMUS: Launch, then! Immediately!
NARRATOR: The Autobot air guardian roared into space, knowing he
would not have enough fuel to return safely from his mission.
DOUG: Sweet! Suicide mission!
(shot of Skyfire attacking the orbitting satellite)
SIPHER: It's not even pointed at the Earth! What the hell?!
NARRATOR: In the Decepticon ground station, Megatron slapped
Soundwave across the back hard in a fit of glee that he almost
popped Soundwave's cassette right out of his chest.
PHIL: That's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!
MEGATRON: They cannot touch us! Ha, Optimus Prime, prepare to meet
your mechanic!
DOUG: Aw no, the Mechanic's in this too?
SIPHER: Aaauuugh...
["The Mechanic" was a character that appeared in issues #26 and #28 of the
original Marvel Comics "Transformers" series.]
SOUNDWAVE: And did you see how the Autobot superjet burned on re-
entry into the atmosphere! That was nice too!
SIPHER: Skyfire. Autobot Schmuck.
(shot of Optimus Prime in space now, miles and miles above the Earth,
holding one corner of a giant sheet of metal, with Sunstreaker
holding the other top corner...)
ALL: Way, whoa, hold on (improv snorts of disbelief more quietly through
the next bit of narration)
NARRATOR: He had instructed Ratchet to weld together a square-mile
sheet of polished metal. And now, using electro-magnetic lift,
a squadron of Autobots
SIPHER: (muttering) Squadron of two...
NARRATOR: was flying the metal sheet into position between the
satellite lens...
DOUG: Man, Prime's got Pat Lee proportions!
[Pat Lee, one of the artists involved in several of Dreamwave Productions'
revival of the Generation 1 Transformers, is not exactly known for artwork
containing properly proportioned robots. The art of Prime used in the video
here is also misproportioned.]
NARRATOR: ... in a confused manner as he pointed at the video
monitor.
SOUNDWAVE: The Autobots are up to something funny with that giant
metal...
MEGATRON: Mirror! Busted gears and cracked drive shafts!
DOUG: THAT'S a complex blasphemy.
SIPHER: Yeah, he should have just said (Mumm-Ra voice) MUTHA FU-
PHIL & DOUG: *HEY!!!*
[There are a dozen or so outtakes from the "Thundercats" cartoon that have
circulated around the Internet. One of them features Mumm-Ra's voice actor
saying the MF profanity.]
(Bad chroma-key laser effects of sunbeams reflecting off the mirror)
SIPHER: (making stupid laser noises)
NARRATOR: The moment the reversed beam struck the satellite, it
instantly exploded into millions of crystal shards
ALL: (Skexis voices) A GELFLING! A GELFLING!
[Referring to the 80's movie "The Dark Crystal", from Jim Henson. Skexis
were the bad guys; Gelflings were the benign elf-kids prophesied to
bring down the Skexis' rule, which is why they panicked at the sight of
one.]
NARRATOR: And, using a fix from Megatron's last desparate
instructions to his creation, Optimus Prime launched an
all-out attack of Autobots on the Decepticon ground station.
DOUG: So, sending Skyfire was pointless.
PHIL: Yes.
DOUG: So, they hate Skyfire.
SIPHER: Yes.
MEGATRON: Optimus Prime, you metallic nemesis!
PHIL: WHAT?!
ALL: (laughter)
MEGATRON: One day I will remove the yoke of your existence from
around my neck!
SIPHER: I am not your broom! I've had enough, I'm throwing off my chains
of servitude!
[From They Might Be Giants' song "I Am Not Your Broom", a silly little ditty.]
SOUNDWAVE: Master, quickly! Into the turbine mole machine!
NARRATOR: Megatron and Soundwave drove deep into the Earth in their
escape, leaving only the tailings of the borehole and
destruction behind them for the first Autobot scouts to find.
PHIL: A boring hole. Yep, that's Megatron!
NARRATOR: But, the battle continues...
SIPHER: Wasn't that the tagline to "Rocks 'N' Bugs 'N' Things"?
[One of many short-lived yet disgusting toylines of the mid-80's. These
featured... well, rocks and bugs that with a press of a button revealed
themselves to be horrific monsters with names like "Blooderfly" that popped
little critters called "gremblings" or somesuch into their mouths. Sipher
always found the line highly disturbing.]
(fade out, copyright info)
DOUG: So what about the giant death-lava headed for the coast? Aren't they
gonna try and stop THAT?
PHIL: Who cares?
DOUG: Hmm. Good point.
NARRATOR: Now it's time for your next Transformers story. Just like
before...
SIPHER: It will suck.
[Just a quick note: the audience was about ready to lynch the crew when
they found out they were stuck watching *both* episodes on the video.]
NARRATOR: ..with the words at the bottom of the screen. O.K. now.
Here we go with WHEN CONTINENTS COLLIDE.
DOUG: WHEN JEWS ATTACK.
[From an article by the vastly popular newpaper parody "The Onion", about
Fox's latest "reality TV" show coming under fire, with footage of Jews
attacking people. Doug mentioned that only he could have gotten away with
saying this line.]
(shot of a caribou eating on a snowy field)
NARRATOR: At first, the sound was barely perceptible and the herd of
caribou paid no attention.
PHIL: Until Godzilla's foot came crashing down.
[Referring to the short cartoon about "Bambi vs. Godzilla" by Marv Newland.
It ends decidely in the giant lizard's favor.]
NARRATOR: ...near the isolated pump-relay station on the Alaska
Pipeline. But the sound grew, and with it, what was only a
speck on the horizon
SIPHER: Was Sir Launcelot on his way to Swamp Castle.
[From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". Ni!]
NARRATOR: It was a hovercraft oil transporter that was bigger than
two hundred supertankers put together.
DOUG: Which is... four hundred mediocretankers.
(Shot of Megatron and Soundwave in the command room of the tanker)
NARRATOR: ... the evil Decepticon leader, observing the docking with
his cold, stony stare and realizing full well how valuable this
oil transporter, stolen from the Earthlings,
PHIL: The gigantic hovering supertanker just the right scale for forty-
foot alien robots. Stolen from the humans.
NARRATOR: Huge pilings emerged from the belly of the undercraft
ALL: EYUUUUUWWW!!!
NARRATOR: ... down to the frozen soil below.
SOUNDWAVE: Stabilize now and shutting down power,
NARRATOR: Soundwave said.
MEGATRON: Can the idle chatter
SIPHER: Is he talking to us?
DOUG: No, the narrator.
SIPHER: Ah.
NARRATOR: The big fans revolved to a stop.
MEGATRON: Well, where's the contact?
PHIL: (Megatron) My allergies are killing me!
[Contac was a brand of medication to control allergy symptoms.]
MEGATRON: ... carbon-based slime who helped us steal the
transporter and who has now agreed to aid us in siphoning off
tons of this Prudhoe Bay crude? ... I don't know why I'm
bothering.
SIPHER: (Megatron) The Autobots are just gonna wreck this anyway. I'm
going home to watch Oprah.
MEGATRON: ... for a direct tap into the line itself.
SOUNDWAVE: Master, I think your original reasoning is still the most
valid plan of action.
MEGATRON: My original reasoning?
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron... by bribing this Earthling we will
have an ally, one who will allow us to return here
repeatedly and drain load after load of oil without anyone
else being all the wiser.
DOUG: Until somebody notices the GIANT SUPERTANKER and that a few thousand
tons of OIL are MISSING!
NARRATOR: Giant winches ground powerfully, a gangway clanged open,
and a ramp extended down to the ground. A huge loading hose
snaked out of its port and was grabbed by two Decepticons
SIPHER: Who were such low-level schmucks they didn't deserve color.
PHIL: No, those are the limited-edition Takara white recolors.
[Takara, normally known for making limited-edition versions of toys in
either black or clear, has made several Mini-Cons in all-white, used in a
"Paint Your Own Scheme" contest. Before that, they had ultra-rare,
all-white versions of their J-original Headmasters (Lione, Shuffler, Kirk,
etc.)]
NARRATOR: ... glanced briefly at the transporter, then turned and
went back inside.
MEGATRON: That fool is valuable to us only so long as he is useful,
PHIL: Uh, yeah, that's usually how that works.
MEGATRON: And when he is no longer...
SOUNDWAVE: I understand, master.
DOUG: I GET it, Captain Obvious.
MEGATRON: ... that induced this betrayal of his people?
SOUNDWAVE: A desire for a new jeep, mighty Megatron.
PHIL: The Deceps get the universe, he gets a jeep. What a deal.
NARRATOR: ... the Decepticons were totally unaware that they were
being infiltrated
SIPHER: Uh...
NARRATOR: by an undercover Autobot spy. It was Hound, in his earthly
mode as a jeep.
SIPHER: Is it worth asking HOW this little mission was rigged?
DOUG: No.
SOUNDWAVE: But, master, if we...
MEGATRON: I have no more patience! I want it all... now!
SIPHER: (Daffy Duck) ME ME ME MINE MINE MINE! WOO HOO! WOO HOO!
[Another Daffy Duck reference, this one specifically from "Ali Baba
Bunny." Bugs and Daffy find a room full of treasure, and Daffy tries to
claim it all for his own little self.]
MEGATRON: ... every drop of that lovely black juice to bathe their
gears and fuel their engines! Total domination of the universe
cannot wait on fools!
SOUNDWAVE: (apologetic) Yes, mighty Megatron.
DOUG: I'm getting a real Smithers/Burns vibe, here.
[Montgomery Burns and Wayland Smithers from "The Simpsons". Smithers is
Burns's "Yes Man" to the ultimate degree.]
NARRATOR: As the enraged Earthling rushed out of the relay station,
waving frantically to stop the speed-up, Megatron roared with
laughter...
(Shot of Megatron shooting the human)
PHIL: WHOA!
NARRATOR: ... then flattened him with an ion stun field from his
fusion cannon.
PHIL: Oh. Wimp.
NARRATOR: Farther south, in Valdez, Alaska,
DOUG: Captain Hazelwood was having his sixth rum and Coke.
[In the actual presentation, this line was accidentally left out, but keep
reading.]
NARRATOR: ... the oil flow slowed to a trickle... then stopped. The
oil company immediately sent out emergency signals,
(Shot of an Autobot viewscreen, where a guy is talking into a very
old-style microphone)
PHIL: ... to Eliot Ness and his team of G-Men.
[Referencing the series "The Untouchables". The guy's mike seems to come
straight out of the '30s, when the series took place. The late Robert
Stack, voice actor of Ultra Magnus in the movie, played Eliot Ness in the
TV series.]
PROWL: Chief, the Decepticons have finally broken cover,
NARRATOR: Prowl informed Optimus Prime, the brave and wise Autobot
leader.
OPTIMUS: Excellent work, Prowl.
DOUG: Way to sit and watch TV.
PROWL: Somewhere along the Alaska Pipeline.
OPTIMUS: That's the best you can do? The pipeline is hundreds of
miles long!
PROWL: With the sketchy information at hand, chief, I'm lucky to...
SIPHER: With the sketchy way I'm drawn, chief, I'm lucky to reach this
console!
PROWL: Yes, it's Hound's signal, coming in strong and clear.
NARRATOR: Above the Arctic Circle, the enormous oil transporter
skimmed swiftly northward over the ice, its hoverfans
thundering and throwing up
PHIL: LIKE THE REST OF US.
NARRATOR: Skyfire, the Autobot superjet
DOUG: Was sent out to get his butt kicked again.
NARRATOR: ... reported it sighting of the Decepticon hovercraft to
headquarters.
OPTIMUS: Commence attack!
NARRATOR: Optimus Prime ordered over the command frequency. The
superjet dove quickly, catching the Decepticons by
surprise, and unleashing a hail of heat-seeking missiles
and null-rays.
MEGATRON: That sneaking Autobot [pronounced "auto-butt"]
SIPHER: Auto-butt?!
MEGATRON: Retaliate immediately!
DOUG: (Megatron) Deploy the spanking machine!
NARRATOR: ... but Skyfire managed to avaoid every blast.
PHIL: Because Megatron aims about as good as Shaquille O'Neal.
[Shaquille O'Neal plays NBA basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers and is a
horrible free-throw shooter.]
SOUNDWAVE: According to their transmissions, mighty Megatron, the
jet has only enough fuel to remain over the target for a
few more minutes!
SIPHER: JEEZ.
NARRATOR: But those few minutes were long enough for Skyfire
SIPHER: - to make out his WILL. HOW many suicide missions is this putz
gonna GO on?!
NARRATOR: ... they ripped through the transport from stem to stern.
DOUG: (Howard Stern voice) Dis is Howard Stern. Blast off yer top.
[L.A. shock-jock Howard Stern is well known for having female guests on his
show who are generally willing to reveal their assets. Even if they aren't,
he'll goad them like this.]
NARRATOR: ... and fused into useless lumps of metal. The huge ship
bellied in hard on the ice.
MEGATRON: May rust attack every joint in their miserable metal
bodies!
NARRATOR: Megatron roared.
SOUNDWAVE: We'd better abandon ship, master!
NARRATOR: Soundwave urged. Outnumbered, and with common sense the
better part of valor,
SIPHER: And because it was Tuesday and he forgot to set the tape for
"Frasier" and because he's a BIG FRIGGIN' COWARD.
MEGATRON: Activate the hyper-thrust afterburners!
NARRATOR: Megatron ordered.
MEGATRON: Fire!
NARRATOR: It was a foolish consumption of precious fuel,
PHIL: Heh.
NARRATOR: but necessary for escape from their Autobot pursuers...
PHIL: Wait. How does THAT work?
SIPHER: And isn't Skyfire out of gas?
DOUG: Daddy, what's VietNam?
NARRATOR: Once again, the Decepticons had eluded the righteous
grasp of their Autobot pursuers
DOUG: (surfer) RIGHTEOUS!
PHIL: (surfer) EXCELLENT!
SIPHER: (surfer) And you were like WHOAH! And we were all like WHOAH! And
then you were WHOAH.
[From "Finding Nemo", one of the best movies of 2003. See it NOW.]
NARRATOR: they had escaped capture and disappeared into the vast
frozen reaches at the top of the planet Earth.
PHIL: Top o' th' planet, Ma!
[Riff on James Cagney's classic "Top o' the world, Ma!" from the climax of
1949's "White Heat".]
NARRATOR: In the dimness of the Autobot communications center,
DOUG: The dimmest Autobots sat around.
NARRATOR: Prowl studied one monitor carefully as Optimus Prime
stood at his shoulder.
SIPHER: Oh no. The Autobots have found internet porn.
PROWL: I can't tell... it may have just been an isolated blip.
DOUG: What about Jan and Jayce?
[Reference to the original "Space Ghost" cartoon, in which his sidekicks
were teen siblings Jan and Jayce and their pet monkey Blip.]
PROWL: But I'm never going to be able to do this if you insist on
hovering over me, chief.
PHIL: And spinning your head around, vomitting pea soup.
[A reference to "The Exorcist".]
OPTIMUS: We sent up that sensor drone days ago. The Decepticons are
out there somewhere!
PROWL: We'll find them, chief, and remember,
SIPHER: Knowing is half the- oh, sorry.
[The brief PSAs that aired at the end of every episode of "G.I. Joe" always
ended with the line "Now I know!" "And knowing is half the battle!"]
OPTIMUS: Well, losing that oil transporter and its fuel load should
have slowed down the Decepticons.
DOUG: And half this continent. No WONDER gas prices are so high.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, hidden deep in an ice cave
SIPHER: You farging ice-cave!
[Reference to Richard Dimitri's English-mangling character Roman Murone
from the gangster film parody "Johnny Dangerously". At one point he
slings the insult "Fargin' icehole!"]
NARRATOR: ...in his northernmost systems-development center and
fuel refinery.
MEGATRON: Well, Soundwave?
NARRATOR: he demanded.
MEGATRON: How soon will it be ready? And I don't want to hear any
more excuses!
PHIL: (Megatron) Is it SOUP yet?!
SOUNDWAVE: Remember, this is a highly sophisticated piece of
machinery we've stolen from the Earthlings
SIPHER: So figure on someone writing incredibly revisionist self-insertion
fanfic about its relationship with you.
[Another Nightbird joke. We're being mean again.]
SOUNDWAVE: And we've made it even more sophisticated by adding
external laser-powered drilling capability!
DOUG: And heated seats, Bose CD sound system and Cadillac's patented
Northstar system.
NARRATOR: Easily withstanding the frigid temperature and crushing
pressure at the vast depths beneath the Arctic Ocean,
Megatron's monster transporter clawed its way across the sea
bed. Soundwave monitored the computer analyzer and listened
intently to the sonar probe returning its data. He looked up
and announced,
SIPHER: I'm pregnant. It's a boy.
SOUNDWAVE: This is the perfect spot to begin drilling operations.
It's the reservoir's lowest point, so all the oil will flow
back here as we siphon off, putting less stress on our
suction drives.
ALL: NO COMMENT.
MEGATRON: Commence drilling immediately!
NARRATOR: The huge drilling arm telescoped out fro its travel lock,
and the enormous suction tubes piggybacked it like some
overgrown sea serpent. Then there was a blinding flash
ALL: (singing) AA-AAH! SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE! (Guitar noises)
[Theme song to the 1980 movie "Flash Gordon". Written and performed by
Queen.]
NARRATOR: Far above, the oil pressure on the hundreds of oil rigs
in the Prudhoe Bay field began dropping.
(Shot of a rig worker who seems to be wearing makeup)
SIPHER: Transvestites across the rigs panicked!
NARRATOR: Once again the Valdez terminus ran dry.
PHIL: (drunkenly) How dry I aaaaammm...
[Phil could never really sing drunkenly, so he changed this to the Captain
Hazelwood reference instead.]
NARRATOR: ...at the headquarters of all the world's oil companies.
ALL: (Reacting in horror to a zoom-in on a guy's face on-screen)
NARRATOR: Soon, a real reason for panic arose.
DOUG: Hasbro announced that the 2005 toyline wouldn't be Victory with
ball-joints!
["Victory" was a late 80's Japanese-only Transformers line that featured
some cool looking toys but very limited articulation. It being Japanese,
however, had some fans swearing up and down that it was the Best Thing
Ever. So this is more of a joke at the expense of fans rather than
"Victory".]
NARRATOR: The reservoir, practically drained of all its oil, began
collapsing in on itself. This was followed by huge sections
of continental plates shifting and starting to move
together.
SIPHER: (singing) C'mon, baby, Continental Motion!
PHIL: ARGH!
[Take off of the old hit "The Locomotion".]
NARRATOR: A huge crack opened from the Arctic Ocean to the Yukon
and the icy waters rushed in. Volcanoes, long dormant,
erupted on both sides of the Pacific Ocean.
DOUG: In less time than it takes for some jackass to post stolen prototypes
on Ebay.
[Over the past few years, more and more stolen toy prototypes have appeared
on Ebay or on other websites. With regard to Transformers, many of the
BotCon/OTFCC exclusives have appeared months prior to the conventions and
spoiled the surprise. Glen Hallit doesn't like it. Neither do the MSTF
staff. So boycott any site that posts pictures of stolen merchandise.]
NARRATOR: With the enormous loss and destruction, both Russia and
the West looked to place blame,
SIPHER: On France.
NARRATOR: each certain that the other had caused this catastrophe
for their own ends.
PHIL: Not exactly Dr. Strangelove, is it?
[The 1964 Stanley Kubrick movie that deals with a crazy USA Colonel
who mistakenly launches a nuclear missile at the USSR. The USSR premier
then tells the US that if the missile hits, it will trigger a "Doomsday
Device" that will destroy all plant and animal life on earth.]
NARRATOR: and the world stood on the brink of thermo-nuclear war.
The entire fuel supply of the planet was threatened with
radioactive contamination!
DOUG: Uh, what about the PEOPLE?!
SIPHER: It's those smart-nukes that leave people standing but sugar your
gas tank, Doug.
NARRATOR: All Autobot eyes were on Optimus Prime. Only his vast
knowledge and resources could stop the disaster threatening
planet Earth - a disaster that was very much like the one
that had befallen his beloved Cybertron.
SIPHER: Plate tectonics?
PHIL: Communism?
DOUG: Avril Lavinge?
[Avril is a pop singer that became famous in 2002/2003. Like many pop
singers these days, her songs are heavily processed and whether she has
any real talent is debatable.]
PROWL: No, chief. The underwater sensor drone can work only so
fast.
PHIL: Plus we're incredibly STUPID.
OPTIMUS: But I have an idea... a solution...
DOUG: Send Skyfire on another suicide run!
PROWL: What's that, chief?
OPTIMUS: Liquified razon gas.
ALL: (Sounds of agreement, followed by) HUH?!
NARRATOR: Optimus Prime continued.
OPTIMUS: In its liquid state, razon possesses a greater density
than crude oil. Therefore, if we pump it into the empty
reservoir, it will force the oil now in the Decepticon
transporter back into the reservoir and restore the Earth's
geography to its former state.
PHIL: RIGHT.
PROWL: And its liquid half-life is only a matter of hours. Then it
becomes a gas again!
SIPHER: Razon as a gas is a gas!
PHIL: STOP IT.
[A pun on the song "Grazin' in the Grass", by The Friends of Distinction.
It contains the line "Grazin' in the grass is a gas, baby can you dig it?"]
OPTIMUS: a gas that should force that Decepticon oil guzzler to the
surface of the ocean to face...
PROWL: (excited) Our missiles!
SIPHER: (REALLY excited) Oh goody GOODY!
[Though it's really more of a generic comment on Prowl's excitement, the
line is delivered as a reference to comedian James Gregory. In a series
where he talks about airline mishaps, he brings up a flight where the
landing gear was stuck and the plane had to belly-in. One of the
passengers was interviewed later, saying "Actually, it was kinda fun!", to
which James replied "RIGHT. You know and I know that when that plane was
up there at 30,000 feet going 500 miles an hour, and the pilot comes over
the PA and says 'Now look here, y'all.... We ain't got no wheels.', you
know that guy was up there going 'Oh goody GOODY!'"]
SOUNDWAVE: I'm trying, master! I'm trying!
NARRATOR: Soundwave exclaimed as he pushed and pulled every
combination of buttons and levers that were available to
him.
ALL: UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START.
[The famous "Konami Code". In many games Konami released for the original
Nintendo Entertainment System, this code would get you extra lives or
more weapons or other cool stuff.]
SOUNDWAVE: Surface in five seconds, master!
MEGATRON: You blundering tape-filled idiot!
SOUNDWAVE: It's the gas, mighty Megatron!
PHIL: I KNEW we shouldn't have eaten Taco Bell before we left!
MEGATRON: Reasons are excuses! I want results!
SOUNDWAVE: We're surfaced now, mighty Megatron!
MEGATRON: Arrgghhh!
DOUG: That three-bean salad's talking back!
NARRATOR: Optimus Prime waited for Megatron to make his move, but
there was only silence from the floating oil transporter.
SIPHER: Can we shoot missiles now? Canwecanwecanwecanwe?!
NARRATOR: However, an Autobot boarding party encountered a time-
delay booby trap attached to the deck hatchway.
PHIL: Killing many while Optimus sat back in base drinking cocoa.
NARRATOR: Inside the transporter, the other Autobots discovered
that the Decepticon command module pod was gone.
SIPHER: Aaaah, they stole the ship from Dr. Wily.
PHIL: HAH! TOLD you he couldn't get through all this without a MegaMan
reference! Pay up!
(Doug grumbles and hands Phil some money.)
SIPHER: Hey.
[Sipher is a huge MegaMan fan and very knowledgable on the subject. In
fact, he's written several guides for recent MegaMan video games and has
more on the way.]
NARRATOR: But he had left his message across the screen of an
idling computer monitor whose voice readout kept repeating,
ALL: EAT AT JOE'S. EAT AT JOE'S. EAT AT JOE'S.
NARRATOR: And the battle continues...
PHIL: Wait, it's not over?!
(Wails of anguish)
OFFSTAGE: **LIGHTS!**
- LIGHTS UP, PAUSE TAPE -
Copyright © 1999 - 2005 ASM Productions
A SkyJammer Enterprises Publication
ASM is not responsible for content of offsite links.
|
|
