MSTF 7: Generation Why?
The Annotated Script

Full Script

                       MSTF 7 - GENERATION WHY?
             Official Transformers Collectors' Convention
                          Chicago, Illinois
                           June 31st, 2004




	The opinions expressed in this presentation are not
	necessarily those of 3H Productions, LLC. or Hasbro
	Inc, who claim no responsibility for its content.

	Though to be honest, the opinions expressed


	Wait a second.  We've done this before.




PHIL: (offstage) Yeah?

	Couldn't you think of something original this year?


PHIL: (offstage) Uh... no, not really.  Sorry.

	That's just great.  Y'know, this disclaimer is teh sukc.


	Roll tape.


[This disclaimer was done in the style of Cartoon Network's snarky, sarcastic
Adult Swim bumpers -- the white text on black backgrounds.  The initial
screen text was taken directly from MSTF 6's disclaimer.]



(Pause tape, house lights up)


SIPHER: Wow. Twenty damn years. Twenty years of Transformers. Amazing.

PHIL: Who'd have thought we'd be having a twenty-year anniversary?

DOUG: It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!

SIPHER: I guess calling it an anniversary IS appropriate, all things

PHIL: You know what, guys... it is rather like a marriage, so an
	anniversary IS appropriate.

DOUG: I must own it. It taunts me.

SIPHER: (pauses in mild confusion but carries on) Because, really,
	collecting Transformers IS a lot like a marriage. It takes all my
	money, time and space, and I'm a total slave to it.

PHIL: What do you GET a toyline for its 20th anniversary anyway? Shelving?

DOUG: Still, that gold plastic was a bad idea in retrospect.

SIPHER: (confused) You're right about that, Phil. The parallels are

PHIL: I realize china is the traditional gift for twenty years, but the
	toys are MADE in China, so that's no good.

DOUG: Put that away, you don't know where it's been!

(They all exchange confused looks. Sipher's next line is spoken much more
deliberately, looking directly at Phil)

SIPHER: And of course, there's always the question of kids.

(Phil looks DIRECTLY at his script and reads aloud)

PHIL: But Sipher, you're completely forgetting about... (clearly annoyed at
	the script) the CHILDREN.

(Doug looks at his script.)


(All three look at their scripts and start arguing about who sent who what
version of the script, no I sent you THIS version, etc. After about thirty
seconds, they all huddle up around a single copy.)

SIPHER: RIGHT. And since it's vitally important to think about the children,
	for the future generation of Transformers fans, we present the Go-
	Bots video.

PHIL: (His expression and tone change to dour as he gets further into the
	line) Thankfully, someone HAS thought of the children, so with that
	we present... the Go-Bots video for your enjoyment.

DOUG: Triple kipper on the skin back, mister spoonmonger my teeth make the

(Arguments ensue again)


(House lights down, unpause tape)

[Basically, this script was either 1) a spoof on how we seem to never get
our scripts done until just before the actual performance so there could be
some discrepancies, and 2) one hell of an easy script to write... or so it
was thought.  AT FIRST.  It turns out trying to write two halves of unrelated
conversations is more difficult than originally thought.

When Sipher said the line about marriage and slavery, Phil and Doug turned
to his wife, Kelly, who was running the camcorder, and waved.

Phil wants it to be known for the record that he did not receive his copy
of the final version of the script until 15 minutes before performance
time.  There he was, during the G1 panel at OTFCC, hurriedly underlining
his lines.

Doug wants it known he was in the same boat, underlining his lines up
through the time the lights went down for the very first bumper.

Sipher wants it to be known that the reason the script copies arrived so
late was because the Kinko's by the convention center closed before he could
get to it Friday night, was actually CLOSED on the weekends (a premise that
Sipher cannot fathom), and he then spent an hour fighting the machines in
his hotel's "office center", none of which worked and actually cost him
money to not work.  He had the front desk make copies.  He was not happy.]

     Music - "Happiness Hotel" -- The Great Muppet Caper

	In the interests of preventing confusion about
	the upcoming episode, we decided we should
	clarify the various uses of the term 'Go-Bots'
	over time.

	1. Tonka GoBots
	2. G2 Gobots
	3. g2 Go-BoTs
	4. Gfadgfadgfad

	We don't know how anyone could be confused
	by all this.

	But now you know.


[All the bumpers were also done in the style of Adult Swim, down to the
[mstf] in the corner.  Phil was able to get the font that is purportedly
used by Cartoon Network, so it was almost like we were watching Adult
Swim itself.  It's kind of hard to replicate the bumpers in pure text,


	("GO-BOTS" logo appears)

ALL: MIIIIGHTY ROOO... (peter out)

[The slogan of the original Tonka Go-Bots toys, taken from the "Machine Man"
commercial.  Machine Robo, the Bandai toyline that the Go-Bots came from, 
was originally released as "Machine Man" in the US.  So it's a dual 

	ANNOUNCER: Since the dawn of time, the city of Botropolis...

DOUG: Was infected with Cosmic Rust.

SIPHER: Teletraan's making crap up again, great.

[A dual reference.  This line is similar to a line from the G1 episode
"Cosmic Rust":

	TELETRAAN-1: At the dawn of time, there was a thriving Autobot

Secondly, for MSTF 6 in 2003, we spoofed "Cosmic Rust" and wrote a joke that
T-1 was just making things up.]

	(Shot of the Botropolis council in a big arena)
	ANNOUNCER: Each year, the council selects a team of Go-Bots to
		protect and serve the planet which needs the most.

PHIL: The most WHAT? Pudding?

	ANNOUNCER: This time, that planet is Earth.

SIPHER: And once the year is over, screw 'em.

	ANNOUNCER: They chose the very best, in Aero-Bot!
	(Close-up of Aero-Bot)

DOUG: The remaining choices were unavoidably disappointing.

	ANNOUNCER: The fastest, in Speed-Bot! The strongest, in Strong-Bot!

PHIL: The ginchiest, in Ginch-Bot!


	ANNOUNCER: And the most clever, in Buzzer-Bot!

SIPHER: (Makes the Waspinator "Ooooo!" noise)

[Buzzer-Bot has more than just a passing resemblance to Waspinator from
"Beast Wars". There's even a second Buzzer-Bot toy that becomes a
motorcycle... and in Beast Machines, Waspinator's spark (soul) is used to
power the motorcycle Vehicon Thrust.]

	(Theme song starts, kinda rappy)
	"Sent to Earth from a world far away, Go-Bots save to day!


[Theme song from a Jay Ward ("Rocky & Bullwinkle") cartoon.  Two American
Indian (stereotype) gophers hold out against the Teddy Roosevelt-esque
Colonel and his ever-patient Southern Sergeant.]

	"A robot is what you see, but that's not that all it can be!
	"Aero-Bot, Beast-Bot, and Speed-Bot go!
	"They only change when you say so!"

DOUG: They're a big bad battlin' dudicus!

[Some G2 toy commercials included rap songs; for the Combaticons, they used
this line to make a rhyme for "Bruticus."  Yes, it was painful.]

	"1-2-3, got the power to change!"
	(Logo comes up again)

PHIL: Brought to you by Fiber-Con.

	(Title comes up: TYPHOON TWISTER)

SIPHER: Hey, like we did last summer!

[Chubby Checker's song "Let's Twist Again"]

	(A warp-gate-thingy appears over the ocean)

PHIL: Oh, crap, it's "Sliders".

[The late 1990's "Sliders" TV show featured characters that warped
dimensions by "sliding" through a wormhole.]

	(Silver-Bot comes through the gate, flying through the air)
	SILVER-BOT: HA! This place looks FUN!

DOUG: I've been bored since THE DAWN OF TIME.

[Mocking the announcer at the beginning of this episode.  It won't be the

	(Silver-Bot lands on a giant pearl, on top of an ornamental tower-
		thing. He's animated to be laughing, but there's no voice.)

SIPHER: (Goofball Mo-Ron noise)

	(Shot of kids playing on the beach. They look up, as does everyone
		else... pointing and babbling)

SIPHER: (announcer voice) Just when you thought it was safe to stay... out
	of the water...

[A take off of the tag line for the movie "Jaws".]

	(Silver-Bot goes into a nosedive, and splashes into the sea... about
		ten feet from the shore.)



	(Where Silver-Bot landed, a whirlpool forms, beginning to suck in
		boats from a nearby pier)
	(Aero-Bot transform transition)
	(Go-Bots HQ)

SIPHER: (old-time radio drama announcer) Meanwhile, Aerobot Ness and is Go-

["Elliot Ness and his team of Untouchables"]

	("ALERT" pops up on a screen)
	STRONG-BOT: Go-Bots! We got trouble!

PHIL: My bra broke!

[A very visual gag. Strong-Bot's vehicle-mode treads give him a very...
jutting chest.]

	(Silver-Bot lands in the middle of some bungalos)
	SILVER-BOT: I got a need for some speed!

DOUG: (junkie) Just a TASTE, man, you can't cut me off!

	AERO-BOT: It's Silver-Bot! He's faster than the speed of sound. But
		he doesn't know his own strength.
	(Monitor shot of Silver-Bot lifting and hurling a giant boulder)
	AERO-BOT: And until he controls those amazing powers, he'll keep
		getting into all kinds of trouble he doesn't even mean to

SIPHER: Like innocently crushing fleeing humans with giant rocks....

	AERO-BOT: Silver-Bot sure knows how to stir up trouble!

DOUG: Wait, he knows how to cause trouble he doesn't mean to cause?

SIPHER: I guess.

	AERO-BOT: Beast-Bot, Buzzer-Bot, you two back us up from here!
	(Aero, Speed and Strong-Bot run off)
	BEAST-BOT: Go-mode systems check!
	(Buzzer-Bot presses three different buttons, which light up red,
		green and yellow)
	BUZZER-BOT: All systems are GO! GO! And GO!

DOUG: Red means go. Yellow means go. Green means go.

	(Aero, Speed & Strong rocket up the tubes)


	(All three transform)

SIPHER: We'll just drive across the ocean, then! Thanks a load, Aero-Bot!

	(At sea, a cruise liner is rocked by winds. The captain opens up the
		hatch	to the lower levels and passengers rush in.)
	CAPTAIN: There's nothing to worry about! My crew will steer the ship
		out of this wind in no time!

PHIL: How do you steer OUT OF a hurricane?

SIPHER: It's one of those REALLY FAST cruise liners.

	(Aero-Bot flies overhead)
	AERO-BOT: Go! Dig an underground shelter for the humans! Silver-Bot's
		hurricane is headed directly for the islands! GO GO-

DOUG: GADGET AR- oh, sorry.

[From the "Inspector Gadget" cartoon.  The main character would activate his
tools/gadgets by saying "Go Go Gadget"-Whatever.

We assume it was the same in the movie, but no-one on staff will admit to
watching it.]

	STRONG-BOT: I'll dig the shelter!
	SPEED-BOT: I'll round up the tourists as fast as I can!

SIPHER: Just offer them a $5.99 buffet and watch them come a-running.

	(Silver-Bot swoops by Aero-Bot)
	SILVER-BOT: Hey, Aero-Bot! Try and keep up with me! Here's a new move
		I made up! But you have to fly real fast to do it!
	(Silver-Bot dives into the ocean again right by the cruise liner)

DOUG: I call it the "Plunge Screaming and Die".

	(Silver-Bot resurfaces, this time dragging the liner by the anchor
	SILVER-BOT: Come ON, Aero-Bot! Let's race THROUGH that hurricane! Bet
		I can beat you towing this heavy ship!

SIPHER: What?!

PHIL: With a "P". SHIP.

SIPHER: Oh. Whew.

	(Aero-Bot swoops and breaks the anchor chain with his wing, sending
		Silver-Bot spinning out of control and into a cliff face.)

DOUG: Oh great, now he's going to have chipped chrome.

[Chrome on toys has a tendancy to chip and flake rather easily.  Later
versions of Aero-Bot and Silver-Bot were chromed.]

	(At GBHQ)
	BUZZER-BOT: Is he gonna be okay?

SIPHER: Please say no please say no please say no...

	(Aero-Bot swoops around again, and Silver-Bot picks himself up off
		the beach)

PHIL: He looks like he's wearing a yarmulke.

[A yarmulke (pronounced "YAH-mah-kah") is a skullcap worn by people of
Jewish faith.  And the animation does make it look like he's wearing one.
Doug was amused that he wasn't the one given that line.]

	SILVER-BOT: Come on, let's ZOOOOM!

DOUG: Oh, I loved that show growing up!

SIPHER: (singing) Come on and Zoom-zoom zoomazoom...

[Children's show from the '70s, originating on Public Television station
WGBH in Boston, Mass.  Oh-two-one-three-fooour!]

	(Aero-Bot dives in and grabs the anchor chain, towing the liner to
		the island where Strong-Bot waits... through very shallow

SIPHER: I'll just wreck the ship in this shallow reef here...

	(Aero-Bot connects the chain to Strong-Bot, in bulldozer mode)
	AERO-BOT: Power-tow the ship to safety, Strong-Bot!
	STRONG-BOT: Can do, Aero-Bot!

PHIL: I'm glad they prevented the ship from being wrecked in the hurricane

	SILVER-BOT: Let's find out who's the best, Aero-Bot! It's time for a
		Bot Challenge,

DOUG: Oh man, it IS Challenge of the Go-Bots!

[Again, from the old cartoon.]

	BUZZER-BOT: Don't do it, Aero-Bot!
	BEAST-BOT: The hurricane's only minutes away!

PHIL: We all know how those can strike without warning!

	(Silver and Aero-Bot fly off... and a scene transition pops up with
		Speed-Bot transforming to car mode)

SIPHER: Gah! What the hell was that?

	(On the island, a bunch of busses are chained together)
	MAN: That's the last one! Move 'em to safety, Speed-Bot!
	(Speed-Bot transforms into his dragster mode)

PHIL: Yeah, the dragster IS a renowned heavy towing vehicle.

	(He pulls the chain of busses away)

DOUG: These are the special busses that don't run under their own power, I

	(Scene transition with Beast-Bot transforming)


	SILVER-BOT: We race to the Island Pearl Resort! Whoever gets there
		first has to lift the giant pearl from the roof, and carry it
		all the way back here!

DOUG: All the way back to vaguely somewhere over the ocean. Okay.

	(Silver-Bot dives in, breaking palm trees with his wings)

SIPHER: (singing) Geor-Geor-George. Watch out for that tree-ee.

[Theme song for the "George of the Jungle" cartoon.  And movie.  And a
version performed by "Weird Al" Yankovic.  Sipher, however, sang it to the
tune of the "Go-Bots" theme song.  The current "Go-Bots", not the old ones.]

	AERO-BOT: (snarling) That bot's gotta go! GO-GO-GO-BOTS!
	(Aero-Bot dives in fast in jet mode, swooping past Silver-Bot. A shot
		back at HQ, where Beast-Bot, Buzzer-Bot, Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot
		are cheering and waving)


[From "Mystery Science Theatre 3000"'s send-up of "The Giant Spider
Invasion", which takes place somewhere in Wisconsin.  Anytime a group of
enthusiastic people were shown on screen, the MST guys would start up
cheers for the Green Bay Packers.]

	(Aero-Bot lands at the tower with the pearl inside a large
		clamshell... but we then get a close-up shot of Silver-Bot
		lifting the pearl)

ALL: (confused remarks)

	(It's Aero-Bot lifting the pearl again)


[He's able to transform; ergo, he's already a shape-shifter.]

	(Silver-Bot flies up and tries to grab the pearl from Aero-Bot. Aero-
		Bot shoves backwards, and Silver-Bot lands in the clamshell,
		which closes shut)

SIPHER: (Nelson laugh) HA-HA!

	(Silver-Bot bursts from the clamshell)

PHIL: Ha! It's BOT-icelli's "Birth of Silver-Bot!"

DOUG & SIPHER: (groan)

[Sandro Botticelli was a late 15th century Florentine artist; one of his
most famous works is "Birth of Venus", depicting the Greek goddess Venus
arriving from the ocean on a shell.]

	(As a twister comes closer, the theme song plays!)
	SONG: Go-Go-Go-Bots!

DOUG: (singing) Go-Go-Gomez! Morticia Wednesday Pugsly!

["The Addams Family" characters.  Sung, again, to the "Go-Bots" theme song.]

	SPEED-BOT: The hurricane is about to make landfall! How do I get
		around this roadblock?
	(A power line snaps and hits the ground, setting the broken tree
		limbs blocking Speed-Bot's path on fire)

SIPHER: Those Enron bastards are lovin' THIS, I'm sure.

[Among the various scandals involving mega-mondo-thieving-sumbag-corporation
Enron, it was discovered through taped conversations that the higher-ups
were actually CHEERING ON the quasi-recent California wildfires as they
consumed power lines.  More stuff they could charge for!  We're not making
this up.]

	AERO-BOT: Turn on your wipers, Speed-Bot!

DOUG: You need wiping!

PHIL & SIPHER: Eyyuuuuuuuuw.

	(Aero-Bot hurls the pearl into the water by the road, causing a huge
		splash that douses the fire. He then transforms to jet mode and
		smashes the fallen trees)

SIPHER: He had to go to jet mode for that?

	(As Speed-Bot tows the busses, the pearl floats by...)

PHIL: Wait, that was a cliff two seconds ago!

DOUG: And since when do pearls float?

	SILVER-BOT: Looks like that pearl's mine now, Aero-Bot!
	(Silver-Bot dives into the ocean, right next to the cruise ship

SIPHER: And when did that ship get back out to sea?! Are we unstuck in

[May have been an unconscious reference to "Slaughterhouse Five".  We don't
know what was going through Sipher's mind.  Which is a good thing, actually.]

	(The typhoon approaches, and Silver-Bot surfaces right up the funnel,
		holding the huge pearl)
	BUZZER-BOT: Here comes the typhoon!
	(Silver-Bot holds the pearl over his head with both arms)

PHIL: (singing, then screaming as the wind blows Silver-Bot away) Raise
	your hand if you're SuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Old jingle for "Sure" brand deodorant.  "Raise Your Hand if You're Sure!"]

	(Silver-Bot is hurled around and around)
	AERO-BOT: Speed-Bot! Get to the beach as fast as you can!

DOUG: The water is cold and the ladies are HOT!

	SPEED-BOT: That's great work, Strong-Bot! Everyone should be safe in
		this cave you made!

SIPHER: Just watch out for the Mole People, allright?

[Classic sci-fi B-movie about a subterranean civilization (led by Alan
Napier, a.k.a. Alfred from the 1960's "Batman" TV series) that keeps a race
of mole-like humanoids as slaves.]

	(Silver-Bot is still being spun around)

PHIL: (singing) Throw-throw-throw up! I am going to throw up!

[Once again, sung to the "Go-Bots" theme.]

	AERO-BOT: We can slow that twister down by going as fast as we can in
		the opposite direction that funnel is spinning!

SIPHER: Sure you can.

	(Speed-Bot and Aero-Bot start circling the funnel in vehicle modes)

ALL: (scream and yelp every time Speed-Bot seems to run into the camera)

	(The twister dissipates and Aero-Bot grabs Silver-Bot, and the two
		land near the cave)

DOUG: Both Silver-Bot AND physics have been vanquished!

PHIL & SIPHER: (bored) Yay.

	SILVER-BOT: You... saved my life!
	AERO-BOT: I hope you learned a lesson today, Silver-Bot.


	SILVER-BOT: Being fast and powerful isn't all there is to being the
		best Go-Bot in the universe.
	AERO-BOT: It also takes intelligence. And caring. These humans NEED

DOUG: To protect them from... us.

	AERO-BOT: I hope you'll go back to Botropolis and train hard. Learn
		to be a great Go-Bot Protector!
	SILVER-BOT: I will train hard, Aero-Bot!


	(The crowd of humans cheer)

PHIL: Yay! Thanks for nearly killing us and doing millions in property

ALL: (cheer)

	AERO-BOT: Wherever there is trouble, we'll be there!


	(The Go-Bots logo comes up again)

ALL: (singing) BO-BO-BORING.

[Guess what this is sung to.]

	(The screen goes black for a few seconds)

SIPHER: I'm blind!

	(Go-Bots logo comes up over a snowfield)

SIPHER: Oh, whew.


DOUG: I call no "Exxon Valdez" jokes.

[Captain Hazelwood crashed the Exxon Valdez oil tanker in the Arctic circle,
causing a huge oil spill.]

	(Mototron appears and leaps off a cliff)
	MOTOTRON: What a great place to chill out and have some FUN!

SIPHER: And find some Mini-Cons!

DOUG: Does the Botropolis Council just send these guys to give Aero-Bot
	something to DO?

[Mototron is voiced by Don Brown who provided the voice for Cyclonus in
"Transformers: Armada", where the goal was to find Mini-Cons.  In the
follow-up series, "Transformers: Energon", Cyclonus becomes Snow Cat.
Doug regrets not being able to sneak in a yodeling joke here, since
that's part of Snow Cat's schtick.]

	(Mototron races through the snow, and runs through a bunch of fishing
		shacks on a frozen lake, knocking them over)

SIPHER: (hick announcer) He's headed for the porta-potties!

[A verbatim line from one of the earliest, if not the earliest, "Beavis and
Butthead" animated shorts.]

	MOTOTRON: I'm the king of speed! WATCH ME ROCK!


[Again with the MST3K reference.]

	(Mototron ramps into the air, landing on an oil pipeline, which
		cracks and starts to spill oil)

SIPHER: How crude!


[Crude oil.  Aren't we clever?]

	(Go-Bots HQ)
	AERO-BOT: Looks like we got trouble on the northern pipeline. Go-Zoom
		to coordinates...

PHIL: "Go-Zoom"?

	BUZZER-BOT: Let's run a backgound check in this busy-bot!
	SPEED-BOT: I know this bot! His name is Mototron! We were in training
		class back in Botropolis!

DOUG: Back at the DAWN OF TIME.

SIPHER: Thank you.


	SPEED-BOT: He's almost as fast as me, and he's very strong! But he
		doesn't look before he leaps!
	BUZZER-BOT: Well, from the buzz on this bot, my bet is he's gonna
		give us big trouble!

PHIL: In Little China.

["Big Trouble in Little China", a cult classic 80's movie starring Kurt

	AERO-BOT: Beast-Bot and Speed-Bot, get ready for a Go-Mission!
	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot watch from behind a chair)

SIPHER: I guess every planet has their Spridle and Chim-Chim.

[Spridle and Chim-Chim were characters from "Speed Racer," one of the
earliest anime to be imported for U.S. viewing.  They were forever getting
in trouble by stowing away in the trunk of the Mach 5, the racing car of
Spridle's big brother Speed.  Oh -- Chim-Chim was a chimp.]

	AERO-BOT: You two back us up from the Go-Pod! Go-Bots, to the Go-

DOUG: Could somebody get them a Go-Thesaurus, PLEASE?

	STRONG-BOT: Go-Mode systems check!
	BUZZER-BOT: All systems are GO! GO! and GO!

PHIL: Wake me up before you go-go, okay?

(Doug and Sipher proceed to beat Phil savagely)

[The old song by Wham.]

	(On the surface, the Go-Chutes open up in a fairground)

SIPHER: Is that a merry-go-go-go-round?

PHIL: And you hit ME?!

	(They all transform, Beast-Bot into gorilla mode)

DOUG: (singing) Monkey monkey monkey!

[Originally this may have been a reference to the Monkey Pit website, but
instead Doug sang the words to the Go-Bots theme.  Either way works.]

	BEAST-BOT: This place is a disaster!

DOUG: What's all this white crap everywhere?

	AERO-BOT: Speed-Bot and Beast-Bot.

SIPHER: I'm Batman.

[Ah, the first "I'm Batman." reference, a #wiigii! in-joke.  Keep count.  The
genesis of this joke is kind of odd, really.  It's a combination of Michael
Keaton's declaration of the same line (from the 1989 "Batman" movie) and the
rather amusing premise that one day Batman just started getting really,
REALLY insistant about telling everyone who he was. "Tim. Tim. Tim. I'm

It needs to be pointed out that at the organizer's panel the next day, 3H
Productions' head Glen Hallit blurted out "I'm Batman" as well.]

	AERO-BOT: I'll tow that tanker ship up here!
	BEAST-BOT: And if I attach the gushing pipeline to the ship's holding
	SPEED-BOT: We can stop the oil until we fix the pipeline!

PHIL: So there's no need to activate a shutoff valve or anything.

DOUG: Don't be silly.

	(All three transform, this time Beast-Bot transforms into his panther

SIPHER: Wookit da widdle kitty-kitty!

	(Shot of a mountain)

DOUG: They gonna light the signal of Gondor?

["The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" reference.]

	AERO-BOT: Thank you for lending me your ship, Captain.
	CAPTAIN: (in a semithick accent) I still don't see how you're gonna
		get this huge tanker up that mountain, Aero-Bot!

SIPHER: Ma poor wee bairns kinna take anymoore!

[The Captain's Scottish, so we're referencing Scotty from "Star Trek," of

	(Aero-Bot transforms and flies up, and the tanker moves. Aero-Bot
		pulls the tanker up the side of the moutning on a chain)

PHIL: Oh yeah, THIS won't cause any ecological damage at all.

DOUG: He's just doing it to impress the chick-bots.

	MOTOTRON: All right! Some bot who can give me a little competition!
	(He peels out)

SIPHER: Squealing tires in SNOW. O-kay.

	MOTOTRON: Howsabout you and me race to the other side of the
		mountain? A	REAL test of speed and skill?
	AERO-BOT: I'm a little BUSY right now, Mototron!
	MOTOTRON: Too busy, or too SCARED to show me what you got? Because
		I'm the best bot EVER, you know!


PHIL: Yes, we get it.

[And another one.]

	(Mototron ramps agan, this time landing on the chain and snapping it)

PHIL: This series paid for by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to

	(The tanker slides down the hill.
	AERO-BOT: Uh-oh! Better move fast!
	(Close-up of the captain as the tanker slides)

SIPHER: Ah joost crapped me keelt!

[The accent on this line was even more ridiculous than the first, drawing
more laughs than expected. Then again, it was also a poop joke.]

	(Aero-Bot rams into the tanker and hits full throttle, pushing it
		back up the mountain. A crowd gathers and cheers.)
	(Back up the mountain with Beast-Bot. The theme song plays again!)
	SONG: Go-Go-Go-Bots!

SIPHER: (singing along) Co-co-co Puffs. I'm coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!

[Do we need to annotate this singing again?]

	BUZZER-BOT: Be on the lookout for Mototron! He's itching for a
		competition and behaving reckless as ever!
	SPEED-BOT: We'll keep our high-beams on the lookout for him, Buzzer-
		Bot! Thanks for the tip!

DOUG: Yeah, remember that guy you were sent here to stop? Look out for him,

	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot leap out of Speed-Bot's trunk)


DOUG: HOW did he not notice them CRAWLING INSIDE HIM?

	SPEED-BOT: Heh. Looks like they wanna help!
	(The two stumble down a pipe, and grab the edge, leaving them
		dangling over a cliff. Beast-Bot picks up the pipe.)
	BEAST-BOT: Heh-heh. Looks like the end of the ride for you two!

SIPHER: (Beast-Bot) Time to die!

	BEAST-BOT: Speed-Bot!

PHIL: I'm Batman.

[Number 2.]

	BEAST-BOT: Tow as many pipes as you can, fast as you can! And keep
		those two trouble-bots out of harm's way!
	(Beast-Bot carries a large pipe away)

DOUG: I'm gonna go clobber Grimlock with this!

[A reference to Trailbreaker clocking Grimlock with a girder in the first
volume of Dreamwave's G1 comic series.]

	(Mototron drives up and transforms)
	MOTOTRON: I'm the fastest and strongest Go-Bot in the universe! Aero-
		Bot didn't take my challenge; how about YOU, Speed-Bot? Think
		you're fast enough to beat me?!
	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot dance and cheer, presumably for Speed-Bot)

PHIL: All the Teletubbies were very happy.

[Ah, the Teletubbies.  Very weird kid's show that featured characters that
spoke only gibberish.]

	SPEED-BOT: We have a more important job right now, and you young bots
		know what it is!


[Well, duh.]

	SPEED-BOT: We have to protect the Earth and all the people Mototron
		has put in danger today!
	MOTOTRON: You're just afraid to take my challenge because you know
		I'm better, faster, and stronger than you!


PHIL: What?

[Reference to the first G1 Action Masters commercial.  "Who will join me?
Who will give up the power to transform to become stronger, faster -- more

	(Mototron transforms to car mode, and drives into a mine shaft)
	MOTOTRON: Last one to the other side of the mountain is a loser-bot!


	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot run into the shaft after Mototron)
	SPEED-BOT: No! Kid-Bot! Gas-Bot! Come back!

PHIL: That shaft is MINE!

SIPHER: Heheh, good one.

	SONG: Go-Go-Go-Bots!

SIPHER: Mo-mo-money!

	(Mototron drives through the mine shaft)
	MOTOTRON: Can't catch me!

DOUG: I'm the Ginger-bot... bread... bot... damn.

[The old fairy tale.]

	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot stumble, landing in a mine car, which then
		rumbles down the tracks. Close-up of the two.)

PHIL: They better get Short-Round-Bot.

["Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" featured an exciting mine
cart chase.  Short-Round, played by Key Quan, was a character in the

	SPEED-BOT: Time for some super-speed! Kid-Bot, Gas-Bot, hang on, I'm

SIPHER: So there's millions of gallons of oil sloshing all over the
	wilderness, and Speed-Bot's off chasing these two clots.

	(Mototron hits a support beam)
	MOTOTRON: All Speed-Bot's gonna see of me are tail-lights and tire
	(The cave behind Mototron collapses. The rail cart the small bots are
		in hits the rubble.)

PHIL: I bet they eat Gas-Bot first.

	(The cave behind them crumbles too.)

SIPHER: Timothy?

[A reference to "Timothy" by Rupert Holmes, about three men trapped in a
collapsed mine. When they're rescued, the titular character Timothy is
missing, neither survivor knows where he is... but they're not hungry
anymore. Holmes also wrote the Pina Colada Song, which is really weird if
you think about it.]

	(The mine starts to collapse behind Mototron too)
	MOTOTRON: Looks like I need REAL speed! OVERDRIVE!
	(Transition of Buzzer-Bot transforming)

DOUG: No, that's Buzzer-Bot!

	(Speed-Bot skids to a halt at a rail junction that forks off several
		ways. There's a red flash)

PHIL: Agh, he exploded!

	SPEED-BOT: Kid-Bot, Gas-bot! Where are you?
	(The two mewl their incomprehensible cries)

SIPHER: Oh no, Frank Welker's trapped!

[Frank Welker, one of the kings of voice acting, is known for his non-human
sounds.  Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot sound a lot like some of the characters he's

	SPEED-BOT: Hang on, I'll save you!
	(Transition of Strong-Bot transforming)

PHIL: By becoming Strong-Bot!

	(Aero-Bot is still getting the tanker up the mountain)

DOUG: Check out Sisyphus-Bot here.

[In Greek mythology, Sisyphus betrayed the gods and chained Thanatos, the
god of death, so the deceased could not reach the underworld.  Hades caught
Sisyphus and sentenced him to punishment: to roll a stone up a mountain.  If
he could reach the top, he would be free.  However, just as he would get
close, the stone would roll back down, forcing him to repeat this.  This is
his eternal torture.]

	(Beast-Bot attaches some pipes to others, which lets the oil pour
		into the ship's hold. A truck drives up, honking.)

PHIL: I love Jesus!

["Honk If You Love Jesus!" bumper stickers.  Phil was the perfect choice to
deliver this line, though perhaps Doug should've gotten it, just to balance
the whole "yarmulke" thing.]

	DRIVER: Thanks, Go-Bots, you saved the day! My crew can fix the pipe

SIPHER: And they can also put back the hundred thousand tons of crude oil
	that escaped from the pipe.

	STRONG-BOT: Our instruments show a big underground cave-in!

PHIL: As opposed to the open-air cave-ins you often get.

	(Speed-Bot punches through a rock wall)


SIPHER: (Kool-Aid Man) OH YEAH!

[The old Kool-Aid commercials featured kids yelling for Kool-Aid Man, and
he'd burst through the wall yelling, "Oh, yeah!".]

	SPEED-BOT: Am I glad you two are alright! (transforms) Hop in! We've
		gotta move FAST!
	(Mototron is still driving, outrunning the cave-in)
	MOTOTRON: Got... to beat... Speed-Bot!

DOUG: Oh, man, he's Shatnering.

[William Shatner, Captain James T. Kirk, of "Star Trek" fame.  Very...
interesting... diction.]

	(Shot of the mine exit... and rocks tumble down. Mototron doesn't
		come out.)

SIPHER: Oooo, denied.

	(Mototron is trapped under a lot of rubble)
	MOTOTRON: Uh-oh... now Speed-Bot will beat me for sure! CAN SOME BOT

DOUG: (cheerfully) Remember kids, if you're bad, you will die cold and

	(Speed-Bot exits from a mine shaft ABOVE the one Mototron tried to
		exit from)

PHIL: I like how the shaft ABOVE the cave-in is still okay.

	SPEED-BOT: Sounds like Mototron's in trouble!
	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot exit Speed-Bot, then yibber and point)
	SPEED-BOT: You're right! It does sound like it's coming from over
		there! Hang on!
	(Sped-Bot drives off without the two)

SIPHER: You two stay here on the unstable mountain!

	(Speed-Bot drives to the entrance, where Mototron's front end is
		sticking out under the rubble)
	MOTOTRON: Tow me out, Speed-Bot!


	SPEED-BOT: See how dangerous it is to race around recklessly,
	(Speed-Bot fires a tow-cable from his grill, which latches onto
	Mototron's grill. Speed goes into reverse, pulling Mototron from the


SIPHER: (agonized yell)

	SPEED-BOT: Your power and speed could really help the Go-Bot team
		protect people, Mototron, but you have to learn to control your

PHIL: I can't HELP being evil! I'm a black recolor of a hero toy!

[See Takara and their infinite black recolors of Transformers toys, which are
often evil clones... a practice that has sadly begun to find favor in the US
line as well.]

	MOTOTRON: You ARE better, faster and stronger than me, Speed-Bot. But
		I'm going back to Botropolis to train hard.


	AERO-BOT: And as for you two coming along without permission...
	(Kid-Bot and Gas-Bot whine)
	AERO-BOT: You're going to be polishing chrome at the Go-Pod until
		it's so shiny it makes your squint!

PHIL: Oh GOD, I hope it's the chrome on Aero-Bot's body!

(All react with horror and disgust)

	(The kids cheer, everyone laughs)

SIPHER: Go-Go-Goatse!

(More horror and disgust)


SIPHER: I'm very sorry.

[We are all sorry.  Don't ask if you don't know.  It no longer exists,

     Music - "I'm a Boinger" -- The Harry Pitts Band

	       Top Ten Worst Ideas in Twenty Years
	                of Transformers

	10) "Your power cells are dangerously low, Rhinox.
	     Better convert to beast mode and eat
	     something." -- Optimus Primal

	9) "Make a break for cover, I'll try and unleash
	    the power of the Matrix." -- Ultra Magnus

	8) "Whatever it stands for, I want that train --
	    understand?" -- RID Megatron

	7) "Blurr, I'm sending you and Wheelie on the
	    most important mission of your lives."
	    -- Perceptor

	6) "Hot Shot can take care of himself."
	    -- Scavenger

	What comes next?  What will be #1?

	Will Prime die?  What is the secret of the evil
	planet Unicron?


[That last bit is an actual line from one of the later TV ads for
"Transformers: The Movie"movie, managing to audially and/or visually
spoil the two BIGGEST SURPRISES OF THE MOVIE.  Astounding.]


(Pause tape, house lights up)


(Doug holds up a sign that says "A TRANSFORMERS STORE". He then picks up
a magazine and reads. Phil steps up as a customer.)

PHIL: So, this is a Transformers store.

SIPHER: Yes, we are devoted to Transformers merchandise of all sorts. Is
	there anything in particular you're looking for?

PHIL: Yes, I was wondering if you had a blue-sided Bluestreak.

SIPHER: Actually, sir, that doesn't exist, I'm afraid.

PHIL: It doesn't? It was in the catalog!

SIPHER: I'm afraid not. Nobody's ever been abe to produce a blue-sided
	Bluestreak in a sealed original box. The only time that mold was ever
	released in those colors appears to be in the Diaclone line predating

PHIL: That's pretty stupid. Why is it always priced so high in guides?

SIPHER: An excellent question.

PHIL: Well, I'm also trying to find Unicron.

SIPHER: Armada or Energon?

PHIL: The old one.

SIPHER: Armada it is, then.

PHIL: No, not Armada anything. The one they made in the '80s that was like
	a big head with light-up eyes and you could put toys in the pink ooze
      like Unicron was dissolving them.

SIPHER: The pink ooze.

PHIL: Like Unicron was dissolving them.

SIPHER: Sir, where did you see this toy?

PHIL: In the store. When I was a kid.

SIPHER: What store?

PHIL: You know. A store. My friend told me about. Where he saw it.

SIPHER: There was no G1 Unicron head with ooze, sir.

PHIL: ... darn. Well, how about Headmaster Arcee?

SIPHER: There is no Headmaster Arcee.

PHIL: Oh, but there is. She was in "Rebirth" and Daniel forms her head.

SIPHER: Yes, but there was never a toy made.

PHIL: I saw pictures of a toy once.

SIPHER: There was a prototype but it wasn't a Headmaster.

PHIL: I think it only came out in Japan.

SIPHER: It didn't come out anywhere. Also, Arcee was never a Headmaster in Japan.

PHIL: The picture of the toy was from Japan.

SIPHER: The toy wasn't a Headmaster.

PHIL: Arcee was in the movie.

SIPHER: Yes, and?

PHIL: And she wasn't a Headmaster yet. So I don't want the Movie toy.

SIPHER: That's good, because they never made one.

PHIL: Actually, I'd like a copy of the Movie if you got it.

SIPHER: We have plenty of those.

PHIL: Cool, I'll take widescreen.

SIPHER: Uh, no, sorry, that doesn't exist either, I'm afraid.

PHIL: You sure? I remember it as clearly as I do Prime crumbling to dust
	when he died.

SIPHER: ...that didn't happen.

PHIL: ...really?

SIPHER: (mildly irked now) Really.

PHIL: Huh. Okay. Still, at least he didn't die like Sideswipe did.

SIPHER: (opens his mouth to say something, but pauses) Never mind.

PHIL: Sideswipe was my favorite.

SIPHER: There's a lot of that going around.

PHIL: Allrightythen. You have stuff like episode scripts?

SIPHER: ... yes. Yes, we do have some of those.

PHIL: How about Dark Glass from Beast Wars?

SIPHER: (visible tic) No, I'm sorry, but that, too, is nonexistant.

PHIL: You sure? I read about it on the web, and the guy had a big animated
	sig on the web-board, so I figured he knew what-

SIPHER: No, no, I'm TERRIBLY SORRY, but there is no Dark Glass script to be

PHIL: Well, do you have anything written by Furman?

SIPHER: (giving him a wary look) Why yes, we have quite a lot of things by
	Furman. If you'll come this way...

PHIL: Cool. Do you have "Autobot Vampire Madness"?

(Sipher stops cold and turns slowly)

SIPHER: I beg your pardon?

PHIL: "Autobot Vampire Madness".

SIPHER: ...I'm sorry, but Furman never wrote a story called "Autobot
	Vampire Madness".

PHIL: Oh, he did, I'm su- Ooooooooh!

SIPHER: Oooooooh?

PHIL: I get it! No, not SIMON Furman! I can see where you got confused. No,
	I mean TIM Phurmann, P-H-U-R-M-A-N-N!


PHIL: That's right. Very prolific writer.

SIPHER: No. No, we do not have anything by TIM PHURMANN.

PHIL: Really? You don't have "Operation Toast"?

SIPHER: Nnnnno...

PHIL: "Sparkplug Sorts His Sixty Socks"?


PHIL: "Shadow the Sheepdog"?


PHIL: "Across Five Recolors"?


PHIL: "Dirge Bakes A Potroast"?


PHIL: "Megatron's Silly Trigger"?


PHIL: Do you have "Arcee and the Lickacons of Skids Row"?


PHIL: "Unicron and the Death Star: High School Reunion"?


PHIL: "It's Over, Finnish!"


PHIL: "Why Scattor Has No Friends"?


PHIL: How about-


PHIL: Huh?

SIPHER: Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude and presumptuous of me. Do go on.

PHIL: "Rumble Has Two Mommies"?


PHIL: Odd. You've got so many items here, I thought you'd have them.

SIPHER: Yes, well, some stuff is just... INCREDIBLY RARE, I guess.

PHIL: Oh well. How about copies of More Than Meets The Eye?

SIPHER: (pause) Cartoon... or comic series?

PHIL: The cartoon.

SIPHER: ...three episodes?

PHIL: Yes.

SIPHER: Not M-E-A-T-S? Two "e"s?

PHIL: That's right.

SIPHER: ...and those "e"s are in the middle of the word together, right?

PHIL: Yep.

SIPHER: ... E-Y-E?

PHIL: That's the one.

SIPHER: The first three episodes of the American Transformers cartoon
series produced by Sunbow Entertainment.

PHIL: Is there any other?

SIPHER: (Takes a very, very deep breath) Yes. We have tha-

PHIL: With Tommy Kennedy intros and endings.

(Sipher looks like his head is about to explode)

SIPHER: I... will... KILL...

(Doug tugs on Sipher's sleeve and whispers into his ear. Sipher's
rage vanishes instantly, repalced by the same cheeful demeanor from
the very beginning of the skit.)

SIPHER: Actually, we do have a copy of that!

PHIL: Oh, lovely, thank you!

SIPHER: In fact, we could put it up on the big screen for you now!

PHIL: (pleasant) Are you kidding?

SIPHER: Not at all!

PHIL: (Still smiling obliviously) Why the hell would I want that?

SIPHER: (Face becomes a hideous rictous of a smile) ... beg... pardon?

PHIL: I just wanted to see if you had it!

(Doug inches away. Several seconds pass. Sipher screams in incoherant
rage, grabs Phil, and yanks him under the table where sounds of
violence ensue. After a few seconds, Sipher's head pops up.)



(House lights down, unpause tape)

[In another exceedingly Monty-Python-esque scene, we get to skewer a lot of
the more stupid beliefs held in the fandom.  Things like "There was a Blue
Bluestreak!" or "Prime crumbled to dust in the movie!" -- you know, the
claims people made without any sort of fact to prove them, and in fact,
their "proof" is usually no more than "a friend told me".  Graham Weaver,
one of the staff writers, included the part about Unicron with the ooze
because one of his friends told him about this non-existant toy while
growing up.  His friend swore it existed.  Uh-huh.  SURE it did, bucko.

Also, during chat sessions, Sipher encouraged Phil to ad-lib the book
titles, to which Phil responded, "We're screwed."  But he managed to
make Sipher and Doug to crack up.  Not all the titles in the script
were used, and two new ones were added:  "It Burns When I Get an Oil
Change", and "Optimus Hates You!".  Phil's especially proud of the
first one, as Sipher had to close his eyes and struggle to not just
lose all composure then and there.

A side-note... like the "Hasbro's New Designer" skit from 2003's MSTF 6,
one of the performers basically does nothing. It's a bit regrettable, but
with limited props and production stuff, not every premise works with a
three-member cast.]

     Music - "The Tick (theme)" -- The Tick

	Here's a question for you.

	Has anyone ever attempted to steal the Matrix
	and failed?

	Galvatron got it from Magnus.
	Megatron got it from Optimus.
	Optimus got it from Starscream.

	Hell, Rodimus had it stolen from him at least
	three times.  Scourge, Optimus, and Ghyrik
	all stole it from him.

	There's a 100% success rate of stealing the

	If you can try, you can get it.

	Except from Buster.

	[ha ha]

[Galvatron got it from Magnus in "Transformers: The Movie".  Megatron got
it from Optimus, and then Optimus from Starscream, in the G2 comics.
Rodimus lost it to Scourge in G1's "The Burden Hardest to Bear", to Optimus
in "The Return of Optimus Prime, Part 2", and Ghyrik in the UK comics.

But Buster was able to hold on to it in the original G1 comic series from
issues #6-12, and only gave it up when Optimus asked for it back.  What's
up with that?]


PHIL: That really hurt.

SIPHER: Shut up.

	(The scene is a somewhat desolate area; rocks are the only things
		around. Tommy runs into view.)

[We just want to point out that there were a few people in the audience who
may not have believed us when we said "Tommy Kennedy intros and endings."
As soon as Tommy appeard on screen, several people said, "... oh, MY...."

Never doubt us again.  We are the GODS OF HELLFIRE AND WE BRING YOU


Back to the script.]

	TOMMY: Optimus!
	(Scene of Animatronic Prime landing, wind blowing from his rocket

SIPHER: And the tornado was seen picking up chickens, cows, and small

	(Prime extends his hand for Tommy to climb on.)

DOUG: (Optimus) Pull my finger!

	(A very blue-screened Tommy on the hand is lifted in front of the
		Optimus model.)
	TOMMY: Prime, I don't have much time today! I'm working on a special
		project for school.
	OPTIMUS: What's it about?

SIPHER: "The Reproductive System of Female Autobots".

	OPTIMUS: Okay, Tommy. I've handled enough emergencies to know that
		some things just can't wait.
	(Shot of space... blue space)

PHIL: Sure is a nice day in the endless void.

	TOMMY (vo): Prime, tell me something I don't know!

SIPHER: (Prime) You're adopted.

	OPTIMUS (vo): Well, did you know that centuries of war had drained
		our planet of its precious energy resources?
	TOMMY (vo): Whoa. Looks like old Cybertron was ready for the scrap-

DOUG: Like Detroit.

	OPTIMUS (vo): And the Autobots and Decepticons were on the verge of
	TOMMY (vo): How'd they survive?

SIPHER: They became cannibals.

	OPTIMUS (vo): But each side knew that at any moment, a battle could
		erupt. And that battle could be their last.
	(A grate lifts up, and Wheeljack climbs out of the hole)

ALL: (singing) Teenage Mutant Ninja Tur-tles...

[From the 80's cartoon of the same name, featuring turtles who lived
in the sewers.]

	WHEELJACK: There's not enough energy in these conductors to last a

PHIL: Maybe a quarter of a quartex.

	BUMBLEBEE: At least we found these, Wheeljack.
	WHEELJACK: And when these run out...?


[Not exactly a reference to the last words of the enemy commander in "The
Last Starfighter" -- more a reference to what Graham remembered them being.
He hasen't seen "The Last Starfighter" since probably when it came out, so
there might not even be a scene passingly like this.

Never let accuracy stand in the way of a joke, eh, Graham?]

	BUMBLEBEE: Can't worry about that now! Hey, let's get back to Iacon.

DOUG: If the chickens say they all right, they must be all right!

[From the song "Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens", from the musical "Five
Guys Named Moe".  The line from the MSTF is followed by "Let's get back to
the shack, Jack!".]

	WHEELJACK: (transforms) Load up!
	BUMBLEBEE: I bet Optimus Prime'll be glad to see us!

PHIL: Not since you slept with Elita, Bumblebee.

[That's Elita-One, Prime', significant other.  Featured in a single G1
episode, "The Search for Alpha Trion."]

	(Bumblebee climbs into Wheeljack, who drives out into a Cybertronic

DOUG: Good, they can use the carpool lane.

	WHEELJACK: We're nearing the bridge to Iacon. One mega-mile to go.

SIPHER: 96 mega-miles until next rest stop.

	BUMBLEBEE: Ahhh. Home sweet home.
	(A roadblock of Decepticons appear ahead)

SIPHER: The federali!

	(Wheeljack raises an opaque defensive shield)

DOUG: (Wheeljack) I can't watch.

	NOT STARSCREAM: Autobots! Stop 'em!
	(Wheeljack skids to a halt. Bumblebee jumps out and fires... in the
		wrong direction.)

ALL: (Wrong way! Over there! To the left! Et cetera.)

	BUMBLEBEE: Prime told me there'd be days like this.
	WHEELJACK: And you didn't believe him?
	BUMBLEBEE: I do now!
	(Air Warrior fires a big ring of fire at the Autobots)


PHIL: I fell down into a burning ring of FAHR...

[Doug's line is a reference to Inferno from Beast Wars.  "You will BURN!"
The second is from the Johnny Cash song "Ring of Fire".  The Man in Black
will be missed.]

	WHEELJACK: We gotta get these energy conductors back to Iacon!

SIPHER: They close at ten and I can't afford the fines!

	WHEELJACK: (deploys little rotating blades) Mind if I cut in?
	(Wheeljack crashes through the group of Decepticons, with Bumblebee
		in vehcile mode right behind)

PHIL: And he picks up the spare.

[Bowling term, when the second ball thrown in a frame knocks all remaining
pins to the ground.]

	DECEPTICON: After them!
	(Not Skywarp and Not Thundercracker transform and pursue the
	Autobots, who zoom into the foreground)

DOUG: (Horse race) Comingdownthestretchit'sAdelaideupfrontfollowedby

[Doug actually turned this line into a vague reference to musical
parodist/genius Spike Jones' rendition of the "William Tell Overture,"
ending with "...and bringing the rear is BIE-DEL-BAUM."  No one laughed.
Doug felt really old.]

	(The Autobots pass under a glowing green tube)

PHIL: (MST-style Wisconsin radio ad voiceover guy) Tube World. For all your
	tube needs.

	(More frigging chase. The Skyraiders hit Bumblebee and knock off
	one of his tires[?!])

SIPHER: Oh no. My sideways tire. NOW I CAN'T DRIVE.

	WHEELJACK: Bumblebee! Get in, quick!
	(Bumblebee skids into Wheeljack's cargo bay)

ALL: (Peter Gun/Spy Hunter theme) Naaaaaaaaah Nah! Naaaaaaaaah NAH nah!

[In the arcade video game "Spy Hunter", the player drove a Bond-style sports
car and could recharge by driving up the rear loading ramp of a semi truck,
"Knight Rider" style.  The game music was the theme to the 1958 TV spy show
"Peter Gunn."]

	BUMBLEBEE: ...think it's my rear axle.
	WHEELJACK: Well, hang onto your crankshaft...

PHIL: I don't want to know about his crankshaft.

	(Distorted wobbly Skyraiders fire at the Autobots)

SIPHER: Hey, it's Squiggle-Vision!

[Animation style, neat or hard to watch depending on who you ask, used for
shows such as "Dr Katz, Professional Therapist" and "Home Movies."]

	DECEPTICON: They've gone underground! We'll never catch 'em now!

PHIL: In any BIG venues, anyway.

	DECEPTICON: We'd better report back to Megatron.

DOUG: (resigned) Let's lie.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	WHEELJACK: Wheeljack to Iacon.

PHIL: I'm Batman.

[Number 3.]

	(Wheeljack drives past obvious Soundwave, who transforms into...
		Soundwave, who ejects Laserbeak)
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak, prepare for flight. Destination: Iacon.

SIPHER: Squawk! We're already there, schmuck! Squawk!

	(Laserbeak begins spying on the Autobots inside Iacon)
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak...

DOUG: (Soundwave) I changed my mind.

	(Soundwave changes back into a lamppost as Jazz drives past, and
		immediately returns to robot mode)
	SOUNDWAVE: Disclosure: averted.

DOUG: (Soundwave) Hurtification: prevented.

	(Jazz takes an elevator up inside Iacon)

SIPHER: Hi, I was looking for the GoBot Dematerializer?

[The Tonka GoBots Command Center was based around a central elevator and
featured such charming locales as the Cafeteria, the Enemy Reprogrammer and
the GoBot Dematerializer. The Guardians were not screwing around when it
came to fighting evil.]

	OPTIMUS: Any luck, Jazz?
	JAZZ: Negative. The other side of Cybertron's blacker than the inside
		of a drive shaft.

PHIL: *beat* (Jazz) Like me.

[Scatman Carothers, the voice actor for Jazz, was African-American

	OPTIMUS: Unless a new supply of energy is found, nobody is going to
		win this war.
	PROWL: When do we start the search mission?


	(Laserbeak flies back to Soundwave and re-enters his chest. Soundwave
		crouches like he's going to fly away, then flies off in the
		opposite direction)


	MEGATRON: If there is an energy source to be found, the Decepticons
		must find it first.
	(Soundwave opens the door)

PHIL: KNOCK when I'm with Starscream!


[Doug's line is from "When Continents Collide", a truly horrific Transformers
See-n-Read video that the MSTF crew sent up for MSTF 6 in 2003.  It's horrid,
and we'd say you should see it, but we're not THAT cruel.

Wait, we inflicted it on a room full of people.  Maybe we ARE that cruel.]

	SHOCKWAVE: What is your command, Megatron?

PHIL: Get me the sports section!

[Purely an inside joke.  In MSTF 5 in 2001, this was one of the crew's
favorite jokes, and Sipher put it in here solely for Phil's amusement.  Sipher
also wrote it in for MSTF 6; apparently, Phil doesn't want to let certain
things go....]

	MEGATRON: ...leave Cybertron to you, Shockwave.
	SHOCKWAVE: Fear not, Megatron. Cybertron shall remain as you leave

DOUG: (Shockwave) Because I can't get down from here.

[There was no real way to make a joke about this for various reasons, but it
turns out Shockwave was not lying.  Later in the G1 series, we do in fact
find that NOTHING has really changed on Cybertron in four million years, save
Shockwave losing a hand. We don't want to know how.]

	MEGATRON: Now it is only a matter of time before Optimus Prime admits
	STARSCREAM: The Autobots would have lost eons ago if I'D been calling
		the shots.

ALL: For the Autobots.

	MEGATRON: Starscream. Only a select few ever lead.
	STARSCREAM: My time will come, Megatron.
	(Megatron leans towards Starscream and Starscream turns away to
		face the camera)

DOUG: (Starscream) Your breath smells like whiskey.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	(The dome containing the Ark retracts in strips)

SIPHER: Venetian blinds - of the future!

[Venetian blinds, if you don't know, are horizontal slats of plastic that
are used in place of shades to control how much light can pass through a

	JAZZ: All systems go!
	OPTIMUS: (pressing button) Ignition.

SIPHER: Great, you broke it!

	(The Ark's engines fire and it launches)

PHIL: (singing) Ark, the herald angels si-ing...

[The Christmas hymn "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing".  Watch "A Charlie
Brown Christmas", you heathens.]

	(The Nemesis' crew watch the Ark disappear into space)
	SOUNDWAVE: Contact.

DOUG: (Soundwave) I lost a contact.


SIPHER: Not until 1986.

[Referring to the Combaticon space shuttle toy.]

	PROWL: Look.
	OPTIMUS: What is it?

PHIL: A persistent rash.

	MIRAGE: There's another one!
	CASEY KASEM: They're going to collide!

SIPHER: (Galvatron) No, they're going to combine into a Duocon!

[From the commercial for the G1 Duocon toys, which featured Cyclonus being
completely horrified that a plane was about to crash into a tank.]

	(The asteroids collide and shower the Ark with debris)

PHIL: Shouldn't they be dead?

	(Ironhide is thrown into a console)

DOUG: My spine!

	IRONHIDE: Leakin' lubricants!


	OPTIMUS: Hang on, everybody!
	(Aboard the Nemesis)

SIPHER: (Dalek) Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!

[The Daleks are the most prominent villains from the British kids' science-
fiction series "Doctor Who."]

	MEGATRON: We're losing our power!
	(Aboard the Ark, Jazz goes flying out of his seat)

PHIL: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

	OPTIMUS: Ironhide, man the laser gun!
	IRONHIDE: Got it!

SIPHER: Water! Water BEATS fire!

["Battle Beasts", a Hasbro toy from the 80's, which was a spin on
"Rock/Paper/Scissors".  And, interestingly enough, involved in the
Japanese Transformers continuity.]


PHIL: Weren't you ALREADY following them?

	PROWL: Viewtrex report. We ARE being followed.
	OPTIMUS: Decepticons. (Grabs control stick)

ALL: (speeding car noises)

	SOUNDWAVE: We have been detected.
	MEGATRON: Stay with them!

SIPHER: They offer great long-distance.

[Just a generic long-distance telephone company marketing line.  "If
you're happy with your plan, stay with them." sort of thing.]

	STARSCREAM: Let's just blow them away! They've seen us!
	MEGATRON: No. I want to know what they're after.

PHIL: Let's see... planet's dry of energy... Autobots leave... what do you
	THINK they're after?

DOUG: Plus Laserbeak HEARD them.

	JAZZ: They've made a magnetic junction!

PHIL: (singing) Magnetic junction, what's your func-tion?

["SchoolHouse Rock"'s "Conjunction Junction".  For the actual performance,
Doug sang the line because Phil couldn't recall the tune.  This shames
him to no end.]

	OPTIMUS: Fire the laser!
	IRONHIDE: Nothin'! Power's used up.
	(Aboard the Nemesis)
	MEGATRON: Release the boarding chute!

SIPHER: Aw, chute.

	(Aboard the Ark)
	SIDESWIPE: They're coming aboard!
	OPTIMUS: Prepare for battle!
	(Same scene again with new dialogue)
	OPTIMUS: (Megatron's voice) Attack! ATTACK!


DOUG: They're being attacked by their Mirror Universe selves!

	(Fighting scenes, mostly involving Soundwave)

PHIL: So... everyone versus Soundwave.

	OPTIMUS: What's... happening?
	PROWL: G-forces... dragging us down...

SIPHER: Harshing our... buzz...

	OPTIMUS: We're out of control!


[From the very early "Saturday Night Live" skit featuring Steve Martin and
Dan Ackroyd.]

	(The Ark and Nemesis spin crazily, disengage and plunge towards
		Earth. The Ark zooms into a distant mountain.)

ALL: (singing) Ain't no mountain hiiiiiigh en- oh.

[From the song "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", by Marvin Gaye and covered
by a lot of different artists, including The Temptations and most recently
in MCI commercials by former "Doobie Brother" Michael McDonald.]

	(Commercial break)
	(Mt. St. Hilary changes as time goes by)

PHIL: Dramatization.

	(The mountain erupts)

SIPHER: Operation: Volcano.

[Operation: Volcano is the Autobot plan to trap a bunch of Decepticons from
the UK story "Target: 2006".]

	(Inside the Ark, the Transformers lie deactivated. The camera pans
		across scattered bodies, including Brawn)

DOUG: Huh. Brawn is dead.

[One of the classic arguments on was  "Brawn is
dead!" vs. "Brawn is alive!".  Did Brawn die in "Transformers: The

[The correct answer is, of course, no.]

	(Teletraan-1 deploys the Sky Spy)
	SKY SPY: Explore! Explore!

PHIL: Clip! Clip!

DOUG: Save! Save!

SIPHER: (Dalek) Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!

[Phil's and Doug's lines are referring to instructions you see printed
with coupons in the newspaper:  "Clip and Save!".  The Daleks are, again,
from "Doctor Who."]

	(The Sky Spy scans an F-15)
	SKY SPY: Repair! Repair!


[In "Transformers: Armada", all it seemed the Decepticon character Tidal
Wave could say was "Tidal Wave!".  He'd keep repeating it in his low,
grumbly voice.]

	(The Ark begins repairing Skywarp, attaching parts including his

DOUG: Man, even the REAL Skywarp's fists come off and get lost.

[Referring to the how the G1 toy required the fists to be items that
had to be attached or taken off during transformation.]

	(Skywarp drags Megatron into the repair beam)
	SKYWARP: Megatron, my leader.

PHIL: (Skywarp) With this, I shall make you my slave.

[The delivery of Skywarp's line is quite similar to Galvatron's line
"Unicron, my master -- with this, I shall make you my slave." from
"Transformers: The Movie".]

	MEGATRON: Quickly! We must revive the other Decepticons.
	(Montage of repair)

ALL: (I never liked him. Who's this guy? Do you recognize any of these
	people? Et cetera)

	(The Decepticons leave the Ark)

SIPHER: Decepticons! RETREAT!

	MEGATRON: Much time has passed, and we are on a planet far from
		Cybertron. But our mission has not changed.

PHIL: Sell toys!

[Well, DUH.  Again.]

	SKYWARP: How do we even know Cybertron still exists?

DOUG: Who could argue with that?

	MEGATRON: And this land is full of resources.

PHIL: And delicious noughat.

[We like the word "nougat".  Even if we can't spell it.]

	MEGATRON: ...and conquer the universe.
	(Starscream fires on the Ark)
	MEGATRON: Starscream!
	STARSCREAM: I'm just saying goodbye!

DOUG: I'm so bad with words.

	MEGATRON: The Autobots have taken their... last flight.
	STARSCREAM: Thanks for the ride, Prime. Too bad you can't go the
		rest of the way.

SIPHER: Starscream's been talking to Elita.

[Man, we're just mean to Prime's girlfriend, aren't we?]

	SKY SPY: Explore! Explore!

PHIL: Pizza! Pizza!

[The motto of the Little Caesar's pizza chain.]

	SKY SPY: Repair! Repair!

DOUG: Dance Dance.

["Dance Dance Revolution", an arcade game that requires the player to
dance in time to the rhythm and directions on the screen.  DDR
tournaments are quite popular and provide the gamer a good workout.

	(Optimus is repaired, and transforms from his new truck mode)
	OPTIMUS: Thanks!
	(Flippy symbol transition)
	MEGATRON: We'll set up here. Those rocks will serve as our base of

SIPHER: As soon as we carve a giant Decepticon symbol into them.

[In the G1 episode "Enter the Nightbird", the Decepticons cleverly hide their
temporary base of operations in a mountain -- and then carve a GIGANTIC
DECEPTICON SYMBOL on it.  Yeah.  Quite inconspicuous there, Megs.]

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare plans for a new space cruiser!

PHIL: You're a puss!

	STARSCREAM: What about materials?
	MEGATRON: Use your imagination.

DOUG: They're going to build a base out of imagination?

SIPHER: Are they the Care Bears?

[Not really a direct Care Bears reference.  Imagination was just one of the
general "feel-good" qualities '80s young children's entertainment was fond
of. Teddy Ruxpin or Figment (from the EPCOT Center ride) might have been a
more appropriate reference, but oh well.  The Care Bears are funny.]

	STARSCREAM: Great. I'll need some help.
	SOUNDWAVE: (ejects Rumble) Rumble, activate piledrivers. Operation:

PHIL: Oh, I was thinking the piledrivers were for Operation Knit A Sweater.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	OPTIMUS: This planet is rich with sources of energy. But the
		Decepticons must know this, too.
	(Cliffjumper is miscolored yellow)

SIPHER: Hey, there's Hubcap!

[Hubcap was an unused yellow G1 Mini-Bot car that was of similar shape to
Cliffjumper.  He never appeared in the cartoon.

Or did he?

No, he didn't.]

	OPTIMUS: So we must find them and stop them. Hound?

DOUG: I'm Batman.

[Number 4.]

	OPTIMUS: Scout the area. See if you can locate the Decepticons.
	HOUND: Just turn me loose, Prime. I'll sniff 'em out.
	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm goin' too! I'm gonna boot some Decepticon right in
		his turbocharger.
	OPTIMUS: Easy, Cliffjumper.

PHIL: (Cliffjumper) Your mom's easy.

[An in-joke for the #wiigii! crew.  Phil didn't say the whole thing, cause
he felt it was a bit too inappropriate for a family show.  Which is odd,
considering some of the other stuff we've said (remember those Elita

	OPTIMUS: We'll deal with them later.

SIPHER: Once they have more energy.

	OPTIMUS: Good luck.

DOUG: (Optimus) You poor, doomed sons of-

	(scene change)
	STARSCREAM: Someday I'LL be giving the orders, Rumble. You'll do
		what I say.

SIPHER: (singing) Robots obey what the children say.

[A line from "Robot Parade", by They Might Be Giants.]

	RUMBLE: He can't be beaten. And you'll never be our leader.
	STARSCREAM: I will find a way. Everyone has a weakness.

PHIL: Except in Dreamwave's More Than Meets The Eye.

[It seems that every Transformer listed in Dreamwave's "More Than Meets
The Eye" profile comics had the line "{Character Name} has no known

	STARSCREAM: We shall see. Now! Shake things up a little!
	(Rumble creates an earthquake and a power station collapses)

DOUG: Aw, you WRECKED it!

[Referencing the Norm MacDonald movie "Dirty Work"]

	STARSCREAM: I'm impressed.
	(Scene change)
	HOUND: Sure is a lot different than Cybertron out here!
	CLIFFJUMPER: Don't fall in love with it, Hound.

PHIL: It belongs to Bad Man Jose.

[Bad Man Jose is the antagonist in the song "Come A Little Bit Closer", by
Jay and the Americans. The singer/narrator falls in love with a woman he
knows is Jose's girl, and reaps the consequences of his poor judgement.]

	HOUND: Smell something, Cliffjumper?

SIPHER: (Hound) Want to?

	HOUND: I think we just found our Decepticons...I was right!
	(Long shot of construction site. Sideswipe is standing next to

DOUG: There's Megatron's buddy Side...swipe?

	HOUND: Ease off your throttle, Cliffjumper. Remember what Prime said.

SIPHER: He said "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang".

[From the song "Witch Doctor" by Dave Seville with Alvin and the Chipmunks.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: What're they doin'?
	HOUND: Let's find out.

DOUG: (Mr Owl) One...two-hoo!...three.

[The Tootsie-Pop commercials.  "Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to
get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie-Pop?"  "Let's find out!  One...
two-hoo!... three..." *CRUNCH* "Three."]

	MEGATRON: ...and steal its precious resources.
	SOUNDWAVE: We can concentrate the energy into Energon cubes and
		store them in the new space cruiser.
	MEGATRON: (laughs inappropriately)

PHIL: (Megatron) I just remembered last night's Will And Grace.

	MEGATRON: ...the Autobots have sealed their own doom.
	(Cliffjumper whips out a HUGE cannon)

SIPHER: Where do you KEEP that gun, Cliffjumper?

PHIL: None of your damn business, Hound.

[A reference to a recurring gag from Stever Purcell's "Sam & Max: Freelance
Police" comics.  Max (a rabbit who wears no clothes) whips out a pistol.  Sam
(a six-foot dog who does wear clothes) makes the query and gets that reply.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm got Megatron dead-center in my viewfinder...
	(Cliffjumper fires... and misses)

DOUG: "Dead-center" is Cybertronix for "to the right".

	DECEPTICON?: Who could be firing on us?
	DECEPTICON?: Who even knows we're here?


DOUG: You're damn right.

[Lines from Isaac's Hayes theme to the 1970's movie "Shaft".]

	MEGATRON: Impossible!
	STARSCREAM: They're the only ones!

PHIL: Who know the Colonel's secret recipe!

[The Colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) said the reason his chicken
tasted so good was his secret recipe of 11 secret herbs and spices.]

	MEGATRON: Send Laserbeak to investigate!
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak, prepare for flight. Course heading: northeast.
	(When Soundwave's chest door opens, there's no space behind it)

SIPHER: Wait, is Laserbeak two-dimensional? How does he even fit in there?

	(Laserbeak takes off to the sound of a Star Trek door noise)

DOUG: (Kirk) Captain's log.

[Another Captain Kirk from "Star Trek" reference.]

	HOUND: Now you've done it!
	CLIFFJUMPER: Let's burn rubber!
	(Cliffjumper and Hound transform to vehicle mode and drive off. View
		of the road, with Hound, through Cliffjumper's windshield)
	CLIFFJUMPER: What is that thing up there?

PHIL: (Hound) That's me.

	HOUND: ...but we can't seem to shake it.
	CLIFFJUMPER: Let's split up! It can't follow both of us!
	(Laserbeak launches one of his laser cannons)

SIPHER: My Laserbeak toy could do that.

DOUG: Really?

SIPHER: Yeah. Well... once.

[As with many G1 toys, Laserbeak and his mold-buddy Buzzsaw have notoriously
fragile parts.  In this instance, the barrels for their back-cannons snapped
off easilly, being thin chromed plastic.]

	HOUND: Accelerator down! Eat my dust, birdbrain!
	(Back to Cliffjumper)
	CLIFFJUMPER: You couldn't hit an Auto-butt with a moonbeam!


	CLIFFJUMPER: Try this! It's a GAS!

DOUG: Cliffjumpin' Jack Flash?

[Riffing on the Rolling Stones song "Jumpin' Jack Flash."  The chorus
includes "Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas-gas-gas!"]

	HOUND: You don't give up, do you?
	(Hound gets blasted by Laserbeak, and plunges a off a cliff)


[Quoting Pickens' whoop from the penultimate scene in Stanley Kubrick's "Dr.
Strangelove", in which Pickens rides a missile like it was a bull, all the
way from the bomb bay to the ground.]

	(Commercial break)
	(Cliffjumper, Ratchet and [Load]Hauler arrive on the clifftop. Cliff
		and Ratchet	transform, and Ratchet's "sled" appears alongside
		his robot mode.)


[Abbreviation for "Mobile Autobot Repair Bay," the comics-official term for
the "sled" half of the Ironhide and Ratchet toys that formed most of the upper
half of their van modes.  This may be the only time it showed up in the TV

Graham further states that the MARB-as-shown in the comics looks nothing
like Ratchet's sled. It's just sort of semi-randomly been applied to the
toy's sled because there's nothing else to call it.]

	RATCHET: Where'd they get you?
	(Hound communicates via a blinking red light)

PHIL: (HAL) I'm sorry, Ratchet. I can't do that.

[In "2001: A Space Odyssey", the computer HAL 9000 had a red blinking light.]

	RATCHET: Can you transform?
	HOUND: I... I don't think so.

DOUG: (Hound) Can YOU make holograms?

	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm sorry, Hound. It's my fault. I shouldn't have
		fired on Megatron.

PHIL: AND you shouldn't have let Sparkle join in the fight. You should have
	known that yourself.

[The Japanese TF series "Headmasters" was dubbed into English for viewing on
Singapore's Stars TV.  The episode this line refers to was called "I Give My
Life for Planet Earth" in Japan.  The translated title was "Life Can Be
Sacrificed for Peace on Earth".  Sparkle is actually Spike.  That should
show you the quality of the translation.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: Hauler! Pull him up!

SIPHER: And then go back to Japan where you came from!

[The LoadHauler toy was released a few years ago as a special Japanese-only
Generation 1 repro toy.]

	(Scene change. Thundercracker and the Reflector trio are standing on
		top of a cliff.)
	REFLECTORS: I can't believe the Autobots survived.
	THUNDERCRACKER: Neither could Megatron.


[This was included because Graham thought John Stephenson, who was the voice
actor for Thundercracker, also portrayed Captain Caveman, the world's first
superhero, from the 70's ABC cartoon.  This was his signature phrase.  In
fact, Mel Blanc voiced Captain Caveman, so Doug substituted a
"FLINTSTOOOONE!" yell from Mr. Slate, another Stephenson character.]

	THUNDERCRACKER: Hey. What's that?
	(Reflectors look)

PHIL: Made you look.

	REFLECTORS: Let's find out.

DOUG: (Mr Owl) One...two-hoo-


[Repeating the joke above.]

	THUNDERCRACKER: Let's see what you can see.
	(Thundercracker takes a picture with camera-mode Reflector. A
		Polaroid print pops out from underneath him.)

SIPHER: So this entire show was just an elaborate Polaroid commercial?

[Polaroid cameras were once popular cameras that produced a picture
that developed within a few minutes.  In today's age of digital cameras,
Polaroids aren't all that common anymore.]

	(At the construction site, Soundwave's forehead flashes)
	THUNDERCRACKER (voice): Thundercracker to Soundwave. Thundercracker
		to Soundwave.


	THUNDERCRACKER: Alien vehicle approaching. Possible Autobot.
	MEGATRON: Release Ravage.


[From Monty Python's "The Life of Brian".  In this movie, Pontius Pilate
couldn't say "R".  "Whom would you have me welease?"  "Roger."  "Welease
Woger!"  /laughter/ "We have no 'Woger', sir." .... "Welease Woderick!"
And so on.]

	(The humans in the van pull up to the destroyed power station and
		get out.)

PHIL: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!

[In "Star Wars: A New Hope" (the 1977 "Star Wars" movie), Luke Skywalker
drives up to his home which has been burned by Stormtroopers.  He calls for
his aunt and uncle who unfortunately were killed by the troops.  The scene
here resembles it in such that we have people drive up to a burning building.]

	JOE: I...I don't like it.
	NOT JOE: Somethin's wrong...real wrong.
	(Ravage jumps them)
	JOE: Look out!
	(The two manage to escape from Ravage and drive off in the van.
	Ravage watches them go. Closeup on his face.)

DOUG: (BW Ravage, sad) I can't do anything right.

[In "The Agenda" from Beast Wars, Ravage has been rebuilt as a Predacon
and given a Russian-esque accent.]

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	HOUND: And that's all we heard, Prime.
	(Hound is on a table with a laser between his legs)

SIPHER: No, Mr Hound, I expect you to die!

[A famous scene from the James Bond movie "Goldfinger", in which Bond is
strapped to a table.  A laser is slowly moving up between his legs.  Bond
asks, "Do you expect me to talk?"  And Goldfinger responds, "No, Mr.
Bond -- I expect you to *die*!"]

	OPTIMUS: Jazz, organize a battle unit. We're going after them.
	(Scene change)
	JAZZ: Prowl!
	(Prowl and Cliffjumper transform)

PHIL: Cliffjumper, is your name Prowl?

	(Each Autobot transforms as Jazz calls their name)
	JAZZ: Trailbreaker! Wheeljack! Ironhide, Mirage, Sunstreaker!

DOUG: Now Comet! Now Cupid! Now Donner and Blitzen!

[Four of Santa's eight reindeer mentioned in the famous poem "Twas the
Night Before Christmas".]

	JAZZ: Ready, Prime.

SIPHER: (Optimus) Thanks, Jazz. I'm lazy and don't have a mouth.

	(The Autobots roll out, and it's pretty much all of them)

PHIL: It must have been pretty tough to pick the members of that battle
	unit that has all of the Autobots in it.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	(Laserbeak soars past the camera, spiraling in towards the Decepticon
		construction site)

PHIL: Jane, stop this crazy thing!

[Tag line from the closing credits of the Hanna-Barbera show "The Jetsons,"
Hanna-Barbara's 1960's cartoon about the family of the future.]

	SOUNDWAVE: Megatron...

DOUG: (Soundwave) I'm Batman.

[Number 5]

	SOUNDWAVE: He has found a source of energy.

SIPHER: A sauce of energy?

	(Scene change)

ALL: (Bill and Ted) EXCELLENT! (guitar riff)

[The 1986 movie "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".]

	SPARKPLUG: Give me a hand, Spike!

ALL: (applause)

[Oh, like you haven't made the same joke yourself.]

	SPIKE: Right, Dad! I'll get the bailer!

PHIL: Aren't there child labor laws?

DOUG: They're in international waters.


SIPHER: (Megatron) Is my favorite GoBot!

["Dive Dive" was a Tonka GoBot from the 1980's.   He turned into -- what
else -- a submarine.]

	SPARKPLUG: Look! Up there!
	(Megatron lands)

DOUG: Well, down there now.

	SPARKPLUG: What is it?

SIPHER: (Megatron) I'm Batman.

[Number 6]

	SPIKE: What are they?

PHIL/DOUG: We're Batman.

[Number 7]

	(The workers throw tools at the Decepticons)
	GUY: Everybody, come on!

DOUG: Get funky!

	OTHER GUY: C'mon! [Note: The performance of this line was hilarious
		to me at ~3am last night]
	(Megatron casually tosses a pipe at the humans, who fall off the rig)

PHIL: And the Russian judge gives them a 4.3.

[Referring to a suspicion that in the 70's and 80's, the Russian judges at
the Olympics would purposely give the Americans low scores.]

	(Rumble grabs Sparkplug)
	SPIKE: Stop! Leggo my dad!

SIPHER: And my Eggo!

["Leggo my Eggo!" was the advertising slogan for Kellogg's Eggo waffles
for many years.]

	(Spike hits Rumble, who knocks him over offscreen. Sparkplug kicks
		Rumble offscreen in the same direction)

DOUG: (Spike) Ow, Dad, that was me!

	MEGATRON: Starscream! Activate the null ray! NOW!

PHIL: "The" null ray?

SIPHER: Did Starscream lose an arm?

[Starscream's arm-mounted guns are called null rays.  If there's only one,
as evidenced by "the", did Starscream lose an arm?]

	(Starscream "activates the null ray". It's really unimpressive.)
	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare the Energon cubes!
	(The Decepticons fill the Energon cubes with a brown fluid)

PHIL: The secret of Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

[The Easter chocolate candy eggs filled with creamy nougat.]

	STARSCREAM: We did it! We did it, Megatron! The energy is ours! We
		can go back to Cybertron now!
	MEGATRON: You FOOL, Starscream.
	(Starscream looks around)

DOUG: (Starscream) What? Huh? Who? Me?

	MEGATRON: We must suck this planet Earth dry!
	STARSCREAM: It's the Autobots!
	(The Autobots fly in in formation)

PHIL: Dude, when we win, we're gonna have to forget this flying thing. It's
	too easy.

[Other than in "More than Meets the Eye", the only time Autobots are able
to fly in G1 Seasons 1 and 2 is when they strap jetpacks on.]

	MEGATRON: (transforming) Decepticons, transform! TRANSFORM!
	(They don't)


	(The Autobots land and battle commences)
	MEGATRON: Don't interfere, Prime!
	OPTIMUS: Give it up, Megatron!

SIPHER: Your mom gave it up.

[Another one.]

	MEGATRON: The universe... is mine!
	(Wheeljack and Rumble have an extremely choreographed shootout)

PHIL: Shoot/duck. Wait. Shoot/duck.

	(Ironhide and Starscream fight with poles)

DOUG: (Daffy Duck) Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!

[From the classic Warner Brothers "Looney Tunes" short featuring Daffy
Duck as Robin Hood.]

	(Skywarp and Reflector pick up Energon cubes)

SIPHER: You need to learn to lift with your legs.

[You can hurt your back if you don't lift items with your legs, keeping
your back perpendicular to the ground.]

	(Laserbeak attacks Prime during his fight with Megatron)

PHIL: Prime's liver grows back every day.

[In Greek mythology, the demigod Prometheus stole fire from his father,
Zeus, and delivered it to man.  As his punishment, he was chained to the
side of a mountain.  Every day, an eagle comes to eat his liver, but
being an immortal, his liver grows back every night.  This is his eternal
torture.  Anyway, Laserbeak looks like he's attacking Prime's liver.

Wow, three Greek mythology references in one performance.  And some say
we aren't highbrow and educational.]

	MEGATRON: So long, Prime! Have a nice swim!
	(Megatron blasts the rig)

DOUG: (Optimus) But I'm not going swimaaaaaaaaaah!

	(The Autobots all fall off into the ocean)

SIPHER: They all forgot their happy thoughts.

[In "Peter Pan", one can fly by concentrating on a happy thought.]

	MEGATRON: Here's something to keep you warm!
	(Megatron blasts the storage tanks, setting the area ablaze, and
		flies away laughing with the rest of the Decepticons)
	SPARKPLUG: Help! Help! We can't get out!
	SPIKE: Somebody save us!

PHIL: Spike looks really happy to be drowning.

	SPARKPLUG: The fire! It's coming closer!
	OPTIMUS: I can't lift's too heavy!

SIPHER: (Yoda) THAT is why you fail.

[From "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back", Luke complains to Yoda that he
can't use the Force to lift his X-Wing out of the swamp because it's too
heavy.  After Yoda is able to do so, Luke comments, "I didn't believe it
could be done!"  "That is why you fail," Yoda sagely replies.]

	OPTIMUS: Keep your heads above water!

DOUG: (Casey Kasem) And keep reaching for the stars!

[Casey's full sign-off is "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching
for the stars!"]

	(Tommy segment)
	OPTIMUS (vo): The Autobots become friends with the humans.
	SPARKPLUG: I don't know who you are, but you saved our lives!

PHIL: We're Batman.

[Number 8.]

	OPTIMUS: We are the only ones who can stop the Decepticons.
	SPARKPLUG: But my son Spike and I know more about Earth than you do.
	OPTIMUS: Hmm, maybe you can help us...

DOUG: (Prime) We need to move our couch on Saturday.

	(Rumble uses his pile drivers. The dam walls crack)
	WORKER: The river's risin'!

PHIL: So is my urge to kill.

[Pseudo-reference to "The Simpsons'" "Treehouse of Horror" spoof of Stanley
Kubrick's "The Shining".  Homer, driven mad by lack of beer and TV, ends the
episode with the line "Urge to kill... RISING..."]

	MEGATRON: I will build the ultimate weapon to defeat the Autobots -
		to control the planet - to conquer the Universe! (Laughs)
	TOMMY: Prime, I want to hear about it and everything, but now I've
		got to go!

SIPHER: (Tommy) Can you transform into a bathroom?

	TOMMY: It is. And I'll tell you all about it as soon as I can. Now
		I've really got to get back to Autobot City!
	OPTIMUS: Would you like a ride?

DOUG: (Prime) I've got candy.

	(Tommy backflips onto Prime's shoulder and holds on to where Prime's
		"ear" would be.)

SIPHER: (Prime) Hold me tighter, Tommy.

	(Prime's jets fire, and they blast off into space, where a very
		animatronic Prime and Tommy can be seen.)

PHIL: How can Tommy survive in the vacuum of space?

DOUG: Let's hope he can't.

	(fade to black)

     Music - "StrongBad Techno" --

	We apologize for the Tommy Kennedy/Optimus
	Prime video.

	After 15 years, the video has degraded some.
	We also had to do some major audio repair work
	on Part 1.

	What did you think we were going to
	apologize for?

	We have no regrets showing you this.

	We are your MASTERS.  Bow down to us.
	Throw us money.

	Paper money.  Coins hurt.



(Pause tape, house lights up)


SIPHER: Okay, folks, if you'll bear with us for a minute... this one takes
	some prep-work. But it'll be cool.

PHIL: You know how last year we advertised "MSTF 2004 - Mock the Vote"?
	Well, this is that skit.

(All three begin scrambling with props. Odd props. Lots of props. Hats,
	too. Stuff. Weird stuff. This goes on for about a minute until Malin
	steps up.)

MALIN: Guys? Uh, guys?

SIPHER: Uh, everyone, Malin Huffman, from 3H... what's up?

MALIN: Sorry about this, guys. But Hasbro approval never came through for
	this skit, we have to drop it.

(Malin leaves. The three stand around stunned for a few seconds.)



(House lights down, unpause tape)

[The "joke" of this skit is a play on how over the past few years, the TF
brand's incredible retail success has actually gotten in the way of much much
smaller operations that require Hasbro approval, including OTFCC.

But the skit didn't go nearly as well as planned.  We had some props -- Phil
brought a Barney Rubble mask, Sipher brought his accordian.  Phil also was
able to pick volunteers from the audience to help out -- of course, there
was never any plan for them to be used.

Right as Sipher was going to start playing "Low Rider" on the accordian,
Malin rose from his seat, and ran up near the stage.  Phil introduced him to
the crowd, and he said his lines.  We reacted and headed back to our seats.

The problem?  None of the Malin/Phil exchange was said into a microphone,
so most people didn't hear it.

Oh, well.]

     Music - "We Are the Bonnes" -- Mega Man Legends


	We just want to apologize to Hasbro for that
	last skit.

	There's a lot of stuff to okay for these shows,
	and there are a lot of bigger licenses for the
	TF team to deal with.

	We understand.

	Besides, look at it this way:

	At least you know having to face this rigorous
	evaluation process means you can expect a
	certain level of quality out of the stuff that
	DOES get approved.

	[tfu side burn]

[The Side Burn redeco for the "Transformers: Universe" line is pretty
half-assed, to the point of quarter-assed. No plastic colors were changed
from the previous retail version of the mold; the car body was just given
new paint applications to make it look like a "ricer" custom job complete
with mismatched bumpers.

The reason we chose TFU Side Burn as opposed to TFU Prowl (both Wal*Mart
exclusives) is that Side Burn has a bunch of his package copy lifted
directly from the Alternators...including totally untrue things like
"Movable seats and detailed interior!" and "Engine becomes a weapon!"]


	(The scene is a somewhat desolate area; rocks are the only things
		around. Tommy runs into view.)
	TOMMY: Optimus!

PHIL: (Tommy) Why do we always meet in the hellish wastelands?

	(Scene of Animatronic Prime landing, wind blowing from his rocket
		jets. Prime extends his hand for Tommy to climb on.)
	(A very blue-screened Tommy on the hand is lifted in front of the
		Optimus model.)
	OPTIMUS: Still working on that special school project?

SIPHER: I figured Tommy went to a "special" school.

	OPTIMUS: Let's get to it, then. Where was I?

DOUG: Probably not your "happy place".

	TOMMY (vo): You told me about how Cybertron was almost out of
		energy. So the Autobots went into outer space looking for more.
		But the Decepticons attacked and caused you guys to crash-land
		on Earth!
	OPTIMUS (vo): Luckily, the ship's computer repaired us all, using
		Earth planes and cars as the blueprint.

PHIL: You would have been luckier if it hadn't repaired the Decepticons.

	TOMMY (vo): But the Decepticons were still as eeevil as ever.
	OPTIMUS (vo): That's right. And they were determined to plunder
		the Earth for its energy, no matter what the cost to human

DOUG: What's in YOUR wallet?

[Slogan of the Capital One credit card commercials.  See?  "Cost to human
life"?  Credit cards?

Phil apologizes for this joke.]

	(Megatron fires on the oil rig.)
	MEGATRON: (laughs)
	TOMMY (vo): It's a good thing you Autobots showed up.

PHIL (as Tommy): But what the hell's with you guys flying?

	SPIKE: Help!
	(Fade in. Huffer is trapped in some twisted wreckage. His arm is
		twitching... but through the girders, there is no shoulder
		visible, just blank space between arm and torso)
	HUFFER: My arm! It's jammed in here, I can't get it out!

PHIL: And it's not connected to my torso!

DOUG: Art by Pat Lee.

[He may have helped us get new Transformers comics, but man, Pat Lee
sure doesn't know jack about proportions and perspective....]

	(Brawn swims up, and his hand retracts to reveal a cutting torch)
	HUFFER: There's two things I really hate, Brawn!
	BRAWN: What are they?

SIPHER: You and that torch!

	HUFFER: Thanks, Brawn!
	BRAWN: (In Huffer's voise) Let's take off!

DOUG: And change larynxes!

	(Optimus is still trying to life the gridred above Spike and
	OPTIMUS: Trailbreaker!

PHIL: I'm Batman!

[Number 9.]

	OPTIMUS: Activate your force shield, and take a shot at that fire!
	(Wheeljack steps up)
	WHEELJACK: I'll give him a hand!

SIPHER: (Trailbreaker) Hey, screw off, you got your screen time last

	(Trailbreaker flies around, shooting a "force field" at the fire,
		which Wheeljack then puts out with flame-retardant foam from
		his retracted hand.)

SIPHER: Yeah, Trailbreaker, that force field sure saved the day. Sheesh.

	(Back to Prime, where Spiek and Sparkplug swim onto his shoulders
		while he's still trying to lift the girders)

DOUG: (As the humans swim) Oh, yeah, they were REALLY trapped there. Quit
	showing off, Prime.

	(Jazz retracts his hand as replaces it with a tow-cable. He hurls the
		grapnel end, which Prime catches, and starts to reel him in.)

PHIL: Wow, he wasn't even using the right bait for Primes!

SIPHER: (Northern fisherman voice) Pork rind'll getcha th' big jacks.

DOUG: (same) Oh yah.

	SPARKPLUG: I don't know who you are, but you saved our lives!
	OPTIMUS: We're Autobots. We're from Cybertron, a planet far from

SIPHER: You know where Alpha Centauri is? Take a left.

[This line was actually lifted directly from 80's puppet sitcom-star now
long-distance-shill Alf, when he appeared on Hollywood Squares.  A child in
the audience wanted to know where planet Melmac was; that was the reply.

Scary what the mind retains.]

	OPTIMUS: Those who tried to harm you are called Decepticons. We must
		stop them before they destroy your world!
	SPIKE: Can we help?
	OPTIMUS: We are the only ones who can stop the Decepticons.

DOUG: (Prime) We are the only ones who have this rubsign.

[Back in 1985, other toys that could transform were put on the market.  To
make sure kids only got official Transformers toys, Hasbro put little
rubsign stickers on the toys.  These were heat-sensitive and displayed
either an Autobot or Decepticon symbol when you rubbed them with your
finger.  This line is a take-off of the commercial promoting these new

	OPTIMUS: Hmm, maybe you can help us...
	(sigil transition)
	(Back at the Autobot HQ...)
	SPIKE: (vo) The Autobots are a highly-advanced form of robot.


[Referring to the Marvel G1#24 comic, in which Prime dies, but human Ethan
Zachary saves Prime's mind to computer file -- on a 5.25" disk.  Even
double-sided, double density 5.25" disks could only hold a maximum
of 1.2 MEGAbytes of information.  That's not a lot, people.]

	(Spike is writing in a diary on the rocks)
	SPIKE: ... but they can think, and have real feelings.
	(He pauses and looks to the sky)

PHIL: I think Optimus really likes me. He's so dreamy.

	(Close-up of Soundwave watching Spike from behind a rock.)

DOUG: (Soundwave) Wow, he's cute.

[Sipher thinks this year's presentation probably has the highest amount of
homoerotic jokes ever. He's not apologizing, just pointing this out.]

	(Spike puts away his diary, and starts down the mountain. Soundwave
		transforms and shrinks into tape-deck mode, and Spike suddenly
		crosses many many yards to be in-frame)

SIPHER: Man, he's fast!

	(Spike stares stupidly at Soundwave and picks him up)
	SPIKE: Wonder who left this here?

DOUG: And why's it got a Decepticon symbol on it?

	(Spike runs into Autobot HQ)

ALL: (idiot blithering)

SIPHER: (idiot voice) Ooo, something shiny!

	SPIKE: Hey, tell me more about Cybertron!
	TRAILBREAKER: What do you like to know?

PHIL: There any cool bars?

	SPIKE: Why do transform into cars and things?
	(Close-up of Soundwave recording)

SIPHER: NO! Soundwave's going to find out WHY THEY TRANSFORM!!!

	SPIKE: Yeah, but... how do you DO it?

ALL: (embarrased coughs)

	(Outside, in a little bunker by the HQ. Ratchet is working on
		Huffer's left arm... even though his right arm was trapped


	(Trailbreaker, Mirage and Hound are standing around inside)
	TRAILBREAKER: Spike here wants to know how we transform, Hound!
	HOUND: Easy! Liek this!
	(He transforms to jeep mode)

DOUG: Through lousy animation!

	HOUND: Now watch this!
	(A holographic human appears in Hound's driver's seat)
	SPIKE: Who's he?

SIPHER: He'll be taking your place. When you're GONE.

	TRAILBREAKER: He's a hologram!
	SPIKE: (laughs) What other tricks can you do?
	MIRAGE: Try this one, Spike! Now you see me...
	(Mirage vanishes)
	MIRAGE: Now you don't!

PHIL: That's NOT Mirage's power!

[According to his tech specs, Mirage's power was actually to displace his
image, making him appear to be some distance away from his actual position.
Invisibility was never mentioned.  Well, not the first or last time the
'toon and specs differed.]

	(Mirage reappears across the room)
	MIRAGE: Over here!
	SPIKE: Disappearing! That's the best disguise of all!
	HOUND: Hop in, Spike!

DOUG: I have caaaaandy...

[Remember what we said about homoerotic jokes?  And Phil still thinks this is
a "family show"....]

	(As Hound drives off, pans back to the main HQ. Soundwave transforms
		back to robot mode, flexing oddly)

SIPHER: (Hanz & Franz) I shall pahmp yoo ahp.

[From "Saturday Night Live", the Kevin Nealon-Dana Carvey series of sketches
parodying Arnold Schwarzenegger.]

	(Soundwave releases Ravage)
	SOUNDWAVE: Ravage. Enter Teletraan-1. Acquire knowledge of Earth's
	(Ravage re-transforms and plugs into Teletraan-1. Various pictures
		pop up on a veiwscreen of power plants and the like.)

PHIL: Teletraan-1's a Viewmaster?

[A Viewmaster is a little toy that uses small cardboard discs (approximately
6 inches in diameter) with little pictures imprinted on plastic.  Putting
the toy up to ones eyes allows a 3D image to be seen.  Click the lever on the
side to make the disc spin so a new picture can be seen.  Teletraan-1 shows
different pictures like a Viewmaster lever is being pushed every second.]

	(Soundwave transforms back to recorder mode)

SIPHER: Autobot security SUCKS.

	(Back ouside)
	HOUND: Sure is pretty out here, Spike! Earth must be a nice place to
	SPIKE: It's okay, but tell me more about Cybertron!
	HOUND: Before the war with the Decepticons,

DOUG: It sucked!

	SPIKE: You miss it?
	HOUND: Sometimes. Hold tight!
	(Hound starts ramping sand dunes)

PHIL: Take THAT, fragile desert ecosystem!

[During the performance, Phil had problems saying this line.  As close as we
can guess, what Phil actually said was, "Take, THAT, frasil deg - frag -- ah,
crap, I screwed that up...."]

	(Later, back at Autobot HQ)
	SPIKE: Hey, what's going on here?
	(Soundwave transforms)
	SPIKE: Wh- who are you?!

SIPHER: (Soundwave) I'm Batman.

[Number 10.]

	(Soundwave swipes at Spike, but the human ducks and runs, slapping an
		alarm button on the wall. Soundwave starts running.)
	SOUNDWAVE: Ravage! Eject! Eject!

PHIL: Bail out, Maverick!

[Referencing the 1986 movie "Top Gun".]

	(Ravage ejects and transforms to kitty mode, hightailing it behind
	OPTIMUS: A Decepticon!

DOUG: Oh yeah, our base! Maybe we should have been watching it or

	(Bumblebee and Brawn corner Ravage. Soundwave runs off without.
		Ravage slips out from Bumblebee's grip.)

SIPHER: And I will call him Geo-HEY!

[A sidelong reference to the "Looney Tunes" short featuring the Abominable
Snowman.  He catches Bugs Bunny and says, "Oh boy a pet of my very own! I
will love him and I will hug him and I will squeeze him and I will call
him 'George'!"]

	(Ravege runs up a cliff, with Prime in hot pursuit. Sideswipe and
		Jazz line up, then speak in not their own voices.)
	NOT SIDESWIPE: There he is!
	NOT JAZZ: Fire!

PHIL: Get Optimus Prime!

	(Ravage slips into a shadowy crevasse)
	RANDOM AUTOBOT: It's too dark! Can't see him!
	(Gears and Hound transform to vehicle mode, and turns on their
		lights. Optimus comes around the corner and Hound is TINY)

DOUG: Honey, I shrunk the Hound!

["Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!" was a 1980's movie starring Rick Moranis.
He was an inventor who created a machine that could shrink things, and
it was accidentally used on his and a neighbor's kids.]

	(Gears activates his infra-red, and Ravage is spotted)
	RATCHET: (vo) There he is!
	OPTIMUS: Fire the net!
	(Jazz and Prowl launch one half each of an energy net)

SIPHER: So what do they do when Jazz and Prowl aren't both there?

	(Back at the Decep base, Soundwave is playing back his tape)
	TELETRAAN-1: (on tape) Serman Dam is the largest in the Western
		Hemisphere. The hydroelectric power plant has a capacity of one
		million, seven hundred fifty thousand kilowatts.

PHIL: (T-1) And the gift shop is quite reasonable.

	MEGATRON: Good work, Soundwave.
	STARSCREAM: But that's not enough electrical power to make the
		energon cubes!
	MEGATRON: Your knowledge is only overshadowed by your stupidity,

SIPHER: The hell?

	MEGATRON: We are goign to create a tidal wave!


[Another "Transformers: Armada" Tidal Wave reference.]

	MEGATRON: make all the energon cubes we need! we attack the dam
		at sunrise!
	(Sunrise at the dam)

DOUG: You see, by attacking at sunrise they beat the lunchtime rush.

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Dispatch Rumble!

PHIL: Whack 'em.

[Mobster speak.  "Dispatch someone" means to whack 'em, or kill them.]

	(Soundwave releases Rumble)
	SOUNDWAVE: Rumble. Activate piledrivers. Operation: tidal wave.

SIPHER: (Rumble) Sometimes I think you love me only for my piledrivers.

DOUG: (Megatron) Shut up and piledrive!

	(Megatron pumps his fist, making it look like he's punching himself
		in the jaw)

SIPHER: (Makes bonking noises each time Meggy decks himself)

	MEGATRON: It's working! Excellent! Decepticons! To the power plant!
	(The jets transform and everyone takes off.)
	(Sigil transition)
	(The water begins to overflow. Inside, workers who are all dressed
		just like Spike and Sparkplug start panicking)
	WORKER: Hey, Ed!

DOUG: (Mr. Ed voice) Yes, Willlburrr?

[The old TV show "Mister Ed."]

	(Another worker smacks the console repeatedly)
	OTHER WORKER: Something must be wrong!

PHIL: Man, does every human on earth wear khaki and yellow hard hats?

DOUG: I know I like to.

	(Back at Auotbot HQ. Cybertronian text rolls along the screen as Jazz
		and Spike watch.)
	SPIKE: There's some sort of trouble at Sherman Dam!

SIPHER: (Jazz) I can read my own language, meatbag.

	SPIKE: The power output's ten times normal!
	JAZZ: Could be the Decepticons allright! I'll tell Prime!
	(Back at the dan, which is starting to crack)

DOUG: (Rowan Atkinson) Oh, DAMN.

[Besides a terrible pun, thanks to the choice of voice, this line is also a
reference to British comedian Rowan Atkinson -- specifically, his Edmund
Blackadder character.

We think.]

	(Inside the plant. The wall starts to crack)


	(The Decepticons bust through)

DOUG: (Megatron as Kool-Aid-Man) OH NOOOOO!

[Another Kool-Aid Man reference, with a twist.]

	MEGATRON: I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons!

PHIL: NOT Batman!

[Number 11.]

	MEGATRON: You will do exactly as I say!
	(Elsewhere, the Autobots are driving along)

SIPHER: Can't they FLY?

	OPTIMUS: Autobots, accelerate!

PHIL: Autobots, signal your turns!

DOUG: Autobots, mind your space cushions!

	(Back at the dam)
	WORKER: We gotta get outta here! She's gonna blow!
	(Cut to the cracking dam... and the music builds... and after a
		puase, ends with "DUH-DAH-DUM!" and goes to commercial)


	(Fade from black. The dam is cracking up)
	WORKER: I tell ya, it's gonna BLOW!

DOUG: A romantic comedy starring Rob Schnieder? You gotta be kidding me!

[Name one romantic comedy with ex-"Saturday Night Live" member Rob Schneider
in a lead role that HASN'T sucked.

Can't do it, can ya?]

	MEGATRON: The electrical output is at its peak! Exactly where I want
		it! Starscream! Activate the null ray!
	(Starscream shoots the turbines, which stop)
	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare the energon cubes!

PHIL: Nobody's capable of doing anything without a direct order, are they?

	(The Reflector trio each grab an empty cube then attach them to the
		turbines. The cubes fill with sparks)
	MEGATRON: Quickly, quickly!
	(Outside, the Autobots drive up and transform)
	PROWL: (in Optimus' voice) We've got to work fast!

DOUG: Optimus, Master Ventriloquist!

	(The cliff above them explodes. Megatron is standing outside the
		power plant)


	OPTIMUS: Autobots, to the air!

PHIL: Because we can fly now!

	(Spike leaps off of Hound's shoulder, who hasn't flown off)
	SPIKE: Looks like the heart of the tidal wave right here!

SIPHER: Can you even HAVE a tidal wave this far inland?

	SPIKE: Be careful, Hound!
	(Hound dives underwater... where's it's oddly calm)

DOUG: So I guess the current STOPS about three feet down.

	(Hound grabs Rumble from behind, but the small Decepticon slips from
		his grasp. His piledriver appears to hit right RIGHT in the
		crotch as they struggle)

SIPHER: OOOOH, right in the robo-junk!

[This line is just funny. "Junk" is such an odd term for one's Area.]

	(Meanwhile, the raging river is threatening several small homes
		downriver. Bumblebee and Ironhide land)
	BUMBLEBEE: Ironhide, we gotta stop that water!
	(Ironhide transforms to van mode)
	IRONHIDE: Stop talkin', tighten yer shock absorbers and get in! We're
		gonna make a NEW river!

PHIL: Ironhide IS Pecos Bill.

[Pecos Bill was the star of many Tall Tales, stories with great
exaggeration, including changing a river's course.]

	(Ironhide drives in front of a raging wall of water. Bumblebee, in
		his back, fires a laser cannon, making little tiny grooves in
		the ground.)

DOUG: Well, some new small drainage ditches, at least.

SIPHER: It's the thought that counts.

	(Overhead shot of a house with several people on top of the roof.
		Ironhide drives in front of it and Bumblebee cuts a ditch in
		the road that apparently is deep enough to contain the raging
		river. The humans cheer, waving. The last cry of "thanks,
		neighbor!" is distinclty male, but the only person waving at
		that time is lcearly a female.)

DOUG: Boy, that woman's got a deep voice!

	OPTIMUS: To the power plant!
	(All the Autobots fly up and fire at... a wall. However, the next
		shot shows a wide-open gate, and the shots blast down a Not
		Starscream and a Starscream-colored Reflector)

PHIL: Hey, there was a wall there!

	(Some Reflectors compress the energon cubes)
	MEGATRON: Gather the energon cubes!

SIPHER: Uh, they're all RIGHT HERE, boss.

	(Shot of the Autobots hovering in midair)
	OPTIMUS: Stick it in neutral, Megatron! You're not going anywhere!
	MEGATRON: Try and stop me, Prime!

DOUG: That's kind of the general idea, Megatron!

	(Sparkplug runs towards some hiding workers)
	SPARKPLUG: Hurry, follow me!

PHIL: Quick, INTO the killzone!

	(Mirage, Skywarp, Thundercracker and Cliffjumper have a little
		choreographed fight on a catwalk)

PHIL: Good thing they have giant-robot-scaled catwalks in this place.

	CLIFFJUMPER: For someone who doesn't like to fight, you're not bad,
	(Optimus leaps to a small ledge to face Megatron. Meggy punches
		Prime, knocking him off, but Prime grabs the edge and hangs on
		tight over what is presumably a great height.)
	MEGATRON: Any last words?

DOUG: Yeah. I can FLY, dickweed.

	MEGATRON: Nothing can stop me now! NOT EVEN YOU!
	(He starts stepping on Prime's fingers)
	(Starscream peeks out from behind some generators, with a slingshot
		in hand. He loads a crystal into it and aims.)
	STARSCREAM: So long, Autobots!

SIPHER: Starscream say find friends today!

[In "Transformers: The Movie", Wheelie said the line "Wheelie say find
friends today!"  And he used a slingshot as his weapon.]

	(He slings the crystal, which explodes against a control panel. The
		force of the explosion throws Megatron around a little.)
	MEGATRON: YOU FOOL STARSCREAM! Help save the energon cubes! GET THEM
	(Prime rushes up and tackles Megatron)

DOUG: I LOVE you, dammit!

	(On the top of the damn, Prime and Megs duke it out. Optimus replaces
		his hand with an energy axe)
	OPTIMUS: You destroy everything you touch, Megatron!

SIPHER: (singing) Everything I touch turns to gold...

[A reference to one of the songs from "Girl in Gold Boots", an aimless
drug-induced movie featured on MST3K.]

	MEGATRON: food for my hunger! My HUNGER FOR POWER!
	(He replaces his hand with an energy flail)
	OPTIMUS: NO! I'm going to end your hunger once and for all!
	(He whacks Megs with his axe. Megs falls down)

DOUG: (Megatron) You're right, that axe was delicious!

	MEGATRON: You can't stop me!
	OPTIMUS: You're old, Megatron!

PHIL: Because you're hard.

[From a TF book published by Ladybird.  Megatron uses the line "I'm old
because I'm hard."   Seriously.]

	MEGATRON: We'll see who's ready for the scrapheap!
	OPTIMUS: JUNK! That's what you are! JUNK!


	(Megatron swings his mace around)
	MEGATRON: When I'm through with you, Prime, there won't be enough
		pieces to sweep up!
	(More weapon-swinging. And overhead shot, Prime makes little pokey-
	motions with his axe.)

DOUG: Poke poke!

	(Back at the river)
	SPIKE: HOUND! You all right down there?!
	(Hound is still wrassling with Rumble)

SIPHER: (burbling) Yeah, just dandy, thanks kid!

	(Rumble knocks Hound into a pile of boulders, which collapse and trap
		him. Rumble jets to the surface.)
	SPIKE: Hey! Where's Hound?!
	(Rumble knocks Spike over)

SIPHER: (Rumble) With your momma.

	(Spike tackles Rumble, kocking him over. Rumble grabs Spike by the
	(Optimus turns to look)

DOUG: (Prime) Damn kid I oughta-

	(Megatron knocks Prime off the dam in that moment of distraction)


	MEGATRON: Who's the scrap metal NOW, Prime? You'll never stop me!
	(Megatron laughs and takes off, still swinging his mace over his head
		like a helicopter blade)

SIPHER: Hey, he's Mighty Thor!

[The Mighty Thor, a Marvel comic character, uses a hammer for a weapon, and
he usually twirls it when he flies.]

	(Megatron flies off with his Decepticons, all carrying energon cubes.
		Prime continues to be washed downriver)

PHIL: I've got tubes in my eeeeeears!

[If a child were to get many ear infections, he'd get tubes places in his
ears to let the fluid drain to prevent more infections.  The child was not
supposed to go swimming because then water could get in the ear more easily
and start an infection.]

	(Commercial break... and we're back)
	(Prime is still being washed downriver)

DOUG: Wheeeee...

	JAZZ: Prime! Use this as an emergency brake!
	(He uses the grapnel thing again, and Prime grabs the cable)
	JAZZ: Hy-draulic, Prime!

SIPHER: Doesn't have the same "oomph" as "fan-riffic", does it?


["Fan-riffic!" was the catchphrase used by Hong-Kong Phooey, a Hanna-Barbera
cartoon character also voiced by Scatman Crothers.]

	(Spike picks himself up, rubbing his head)
	SPIKE: Hound! Are you down there?
	(Spike dives in. Shot of underwater)

PHIL: (singing) Just keep swimming...

[Dory from 2003's "Finding Nemo".  If you haven't seen this movie, what's
wrong with you?]

	(Spike finds Hound, and amazingly pulls a huge boulder off him)


[In the "Incredible Hulk" TV series, and some of the comics (depending on
which version of the Hulk it is), David/Bruce Banner would change into the
Hulk if he got mad.  When a talking Hulk figure came out some years ago, two
of the three lines it said were "Hulk get mad!" and "Hulk get strong!"]

	(Back at the surface, Spike is laying on his stomach on a rock. Hound
		is behind him, kneading his back)

PHIL: (makes horrible wet crushing noises)


[The joke here was almost obscured by audience laughter just at the visual
of the scene, as Hound's robo-junk is um... positioned... right behind a
certain area of Spike.  Considering the amount of sexual humor elsewhere in
the script, it was decided instead to go with a good internal injuries joke
for variety.]

	SPIKE: Thanks, Hound. You save dmy-
	HOUND: Even. Okay?
	SPIKE: O-kay.
	(Back at he power plant)
	MIRAGE: Maybe we should repair our ship and go back to Cybertron,
		forget about the Decepticons!
	OPTIMUS: We can't do that, Mirage.

DOUG: (Optimus) We're contractually obligated for thirteen episodes.

[Season 1 of "Transformers" was 13 episodes in length.]

	OPTIMUS: ... he'll be impossible to beat on Cybertron.
	HUFFER: (whiny) But we're not fighters like they are, Prime!

SIPHER: I was going to Toshe Station to pick up some power convertors!

[Another "Star Wars: A New Hope" reference.  Uncle Owen tells Luke that he's
to work on the moisture farm today.  Luke responds with this line and sounds
really whiny when he does.]

	OPTIMUS: ... we must conquer it!
	(Sigil transition)
	(A snowfield. Several generic Decepticon jets land at an oil

PHIL: Oh, no, not "When Continents Collide!"

[Yes, referring to that again.  The "story", such as it was, in the
video, dealt with the Decepticons trying to steal oil to use for their
nefarious plans.]

	(Shot of Soundwave and some Reflectors filling energon cubes in a
		grassy, slightly-wooded area)

SIPHER: They're stealing energon from trees?

	(More Decepticons flying out of a mine, armfuls of energon)

DOUG: So what, are the Autobots busy watching Tiny Toons or something?

[Can't say we blame them; "Tiny Toon Adventures" was one of the first
big WB cartoons of the late 80's that sparked a revival of their
animation studio.  Executive Produced by Steven Spielberg, it followed
the adventures of Babs and Buster Bunny, Plucky Duck, and others in
the same vein as Bugs, Daffy, etc.]

	(Back at Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: And the energon cubes?
	SOUNDWAVE: Three thousand astroliters more required.
	MEGATRON: We need one more source of energy, Soundwave.
	SOUNDWAVE: The ruby crystals of Burma.

SIPHER: Oh, well-HUH?

	MEGATRON: They're the richest source of energy on the face of the

SIPHER: NO NO NO. I call bullcrap!

	(Mehcanical whirring noise)
	MEGATRON: What was that?
	(Starscream has a laser cannon hooked up to a few piles of energon
		cubes. He fires the cannon, blowing up a moutntainside.)
	MEGATRON: STARSCREAM! What in the universe are you DOING?

DOUG: (redneck voise) I saw me a deer!

	STARSCREAM: They work!
	STARSCREAM: YOU didn't know, you never tested them!

PHIL: You don't understand meeee!

	(Megatron points to a stack of now-empty cubes)
	MEGATRON: You only proved your defective menatility! Now we need two
		strikes before we have enough energy to return to Cybertron!


[Really obscure reference.  Short story is that there
was a huge flare-up on the newsgroup between Chi and Dan Khanna, and "THAT
TWO STRIKE DAN" became a running joke after that.  If you want more
information, check Google Groups.  We don't have time to get into it here.
Don't really want to, either.  It's mostly the phrasing that the writers (and
various others) find funny more than any context.]

	STARSCREAM: There's plenty here for us!
	MEGATRON: The difference is TIME, you fool! You've set us back!
	(Megatron kicks the cannon, which breaks)

PHIL: You've been gone four million years. I think you can afford one more

	(Pan off. We then see Trailbreaker, with a reciever dish sticking out
		of his roof, plus Spike and Sparkplug having coffee on some
		logs neardby.)
	MEGATRON: (vo) Despite your stupidity, Starscream, our mission WILL

SIPHER: (cheesy fakey-serious deadpan) Boy. I am so glad this is not like
	Armada where they tote around humans for no good reason at all.

PHIL: (same tone) Yes sir.

DOUG: Nothing like that at all.

[One of the criticisms of the "Transformers: Armada" cartoon was that the
humans seemed to be the main characters at times and were there without any
real reason to be.  And of course, "Generation 1" never did that.]

	STARSCREAM: Don't push me, Megatron! My desire for power is as great
		as yours!
	MEGATRON: Power flows to the one who knows how!

DOUG: Knows how WHAT? How to complete your sentences, maybe?

	MEGATRON: Assemble the strike force!
	(A long line of oddly-colored Decepticons)

SIPHER: Hey, it's Enemy!

[One of the pieces of secondary TF merchandise in the '80s was a working
radio with a nearly solid-red version of the Rumble/Frenzy toy permanently
fixed to one side.  (It could still transform, though.)  In the place on the
package where the robot's name would normally go, the only word written was

	SOUNDWAVE: Strike force assembled.



[Different ways of preparing eggs to eat. ]

	(They all fly away)
	(Trailbreaker is driving along with Spike & Sparkplug inside)
	SPARKPLUG: (cheerily) You know something?

DOUG: (cheerily) I'm not your father!

[There's something so horribly cheery about the way Sparkplug says his line,
that following it up with something so devastatingly cruel just seemed so

	SPIKE: Look, Dad, no hands!
	TRAILBREAKER: (laughing) Big deal, I'M driving!
	(Sparkplug looks out the window)
	SPARKPLUG: Uh-oh. I think we've got company!

PHIL: Get out the china!

	(A pair of Decpeticon jets strafe Trailbreaker)
	SPIKE: Can;t you go any faster, Trailbreaker?
	TRAILBREAKER: Sorry! This is it! I'm not built for speed!

SIPHER: Yeah, it's always a good idea to send a slow guy as a spy.

	(Sparkplug grabs a CB mike)
	SPARKPLUG: Sparkplug to Autobots!

SIPHER: Hammer down!

DOUG: Rabbit ears!

[Another They Might Be Giants (the band, not the movie) reference, this time
to "Rabid Child", who stays inside all day and talks on a CB (citizens'
band) radio.  CB lingo "hammer down" and "rabbit ears" get repeated a few

	SPARKPLUG: Send help!
	(The Decpticons get pretty damn close to nailing Trailbreaker)
	TRAILBREAKER: I may not be fast,

PHIL: (Trailbreaker) But I'm effective and provide soothing relief!

[References to any one of several different over-the-counter medications
for relieving different types of pain.]

	(Two Lamborghinis drive towards Trailbreaker)
	TRAILBREAKER: It's Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe!

DOUG: Great, a sociopath and a frat boy. We're saved.

[This got a big reaction from the audience.  Go fig.  But that's what those
two are, basically.]

	(The two cars skid and 180, driving up to either side of
		Trailbreaker. The jets shoot, almost hitting Sunstreaker.)
	SUNSTREAKER: HEY! That's a new paint job!
	(His spoiler splits open, and a gun appears, blasting the Decepticon
		jet on the wing.)
	SPIKE: Man, that's hot!
	DECEPTICON: I'm heading in for repairs!
	OTHER DECEPTICON: I'll shadow you back!

SIPHER: Oh no, a small scratch! RETREAT!

DOUG: Must be French Decepticons.

SIPHER: Heheheheheh.

[Throughout history, it is claimed that the French have never won a war;
they've either retreated or surrendered.]

	(Sigil transition)
	(Inside the crystal mines. Lots and lots of crystals flow through
		clear pipes. Shot of a junction where all the pipe lead into a
		main shaft leading down)

PHIL: Rather Jetsonny, isn't it?

[Another reference to "The Jetsons".]

	STARSCREAM: Let's go, hurry up! Get this car loaded! FASTER!

SIPHER: I'm still fuzzy on the whole ruby energy thing.

DOUG: Maybe they're faith healers?

SIPHER: (Megatron) With these crystals, my chakras will be INVINCIBLE!

["Chakra" is a Sanskrit term for one of seven energy centers of the body.
Each Chakra also correlates to levels of consiousness, sounds, stages of
life, colors, etc.  Very mystical healing stuff.]

	MEAGTRON: Exactly! I will build the ultimate weapon, to defeat the
	(Shot of Soundwave, who's vibrating)

DOUG: (Soundwave) I'm so turned on.

	(laughs maniacally and throws ruby crystals around)
	(Outside the mines)
	OPTIMUS: There they are.
	JAZZ: Megatron and the other Decepticons must be inside the mine!


	IRONHIDE: Let's blast their tail-rudders outta there!
	WHEELJACK: We've got just the trick to do it with, too!
	(He holds out a small bomb-thingy)
	WHEELJACK: There's enough explosive in here to bury them forever!

PHIL: (Wheeljack) Fifty thousand, no less!

[Another "Star Wars" reference, this time from "Return of the Jedi".  Leia,
as Bounty Hunter Boussh, bargains with Jabba for a fair price for Chewbacca.
When she doesn't get the fifty thousand, she threatens to blow up the palace
with a thermal detonator.]

	OPTIMUS: Not so fast, Wheeljack. We know they're in there, but we
		don't know where.
	SPARKPLUG: I'll go! I've worked these mines!


[Yet another one.]

	BUMBLEBEE: ...I have the best chance of getting through! I'll stick
		that bomb right under their nose-gears!
	(Bumblebee transforms)
	BUMBLEBEE: Hop in, Sparkplug!
	(Wheeljack hands over the bomb)
	WHEELJACK: Once you set this timer here, you've got sixty seconds!

PHIL: Seems to me a short fuse on super-high-explosives is NOT a good idea.

	OPTIMUS: If there's any problem, get out of there. We'll find another
	SPARKPLUG: There won't be any problem, Prime. This one's for
		Cybertron AND Earth! Let's go, Bumblebee!

SIPHER: Herbie Goes To War!

[Herbie is the VW bug featured in such movies as "The Love Bug" and
"Herbie Rides Again".]

	(They drive up to the mine entrance, Sparkplug gets out and Bumblebee
		tranforms back to robot mode)
	BUMBLEBEE: Come on! Let's go inside!

DOUG: (woodenly) And then let us plant the bomb. Inside the mine that we

[Characters in cartoons sure like saying what they're doing and what's going
on out loud, don't they?]

	SPARKPLUG: It's the ruby crystals that make it glow. They're almost

SIPHER: Rock Lords?

[The Tonka GoBots spinoff line, Rock Lords, featured aliens/robots that
turned into -- yep, rocks.  The commercial jingle began with "Rock Lords!
Rocks that come alive!" and ended with "Rock Lords!  Powerful living rocks!"]

	(Skywarp and Thundercracker push a mine cart full of crystals)
	THUNDERCRACKER: You know, Skywarp, I can't wait to get back to
		Cybertron. Earth's so FLAT.

PHIL: But it has a nice personality!

[Reference to the common saying that if a girl has a nice personality, she
must be unattractive.  Of course, none of the MSTF crew believes in such a

	(They walk right by Bumblebee and Sparkplug, who are hiding in a dark
	SPARKPLUG: (quietly) This way!
	(They turn a corner)
	BUMBLEBEE: (whispering) We found 'em!
	MEGATRON: This is the last load! Get ready to pull out!

ALL: (Embarrassed coughing)

[If you don't get why we're coughing, we're not gonna explain it.]

	(Bumblebee plants the bomb)
	BUMBLEBEE: It's done!
	SPARKPLUG: Let's move it!
	(They run... right into Skywarp and Thundercracker)

DOUG: (trumpet noise) Wah-wah!

	(They rush the two jets. Thundercracker actually punches Sparkplug
	into a wall.)

SIPHER: (horrible SPLUTCH-like noise)

PHIL: He should be wall-pizza after that!

	(The bomb ticks down. Outside...)
	JAZZ: They oughtta be outta there by now!
	OPTIMUS: I don't like it. Something's wrong.
	IRONHIDE: I'll check it out!
	OPTIMUS: No. I'll go. I'll use Roller. He's small enough to get in
		there without being seen.

DOUG: Like Sparkplug and Bumblebee were?

	OPTIMUS: If I'm not back in five minutes... come get me.
	(He transforms. Sigil transition. Skywarp and Thunderracker are still
		beating Bumblebee around. Thundercracker finally knocks him
		flat on his back.)
	SKYWARP: Let's give Megatron a little present!
	THUNDERCRACKER: Heh! Maybe we oughtta wrap him up and put a little
		bow on 'im!

SIPHER: He'll just be so cuuuuuute!

	(Optimus drives up to the mine entrance)
	OPTIMUS: It's up to you, Roller! Find out what's going on in there!
		And be careful!
	(Roller is dispatched from Optimus' trailer, making R2-D2 noises)

DOUG: (C-3PO) Not that way, Roller, you'll be breaking down in no time!

[This must be a record for "Star Wars" references.  In "A New Hope", R2-D2
wants to go down a certain rocky path, and C-3PO tells him to not go that
way, since he'll just break down.]

	(The bomb explodes. Rocks come tumbling down, burying the Decepticons
		within the mine. A shot of Megatron struggling to stay upright)


[Referring to the cave-in from the Go-Bots video we just watched about an hour
previous.  Go back and reread it, if you must; we'll wait.  *grumble grumble
mutter mutter*]

	(The entrance goes kaflooey too, knocking Prime over)
	(Prime starts tumbling down the hillside, still in truck mode)
	(Prime tumbles down the slope)


[Referring to Wesley from "The Princess Bride".  Princess Buttercup pushed
Wesley (dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts) down a hill, and he yelled that
as he tumbled.  Phil was surprised at the extreme reaction this line got.]

	TOMMY: Boy, Prime. That was quite a tumble you took when that bomb
		went off.
	OPTIMUS (vo): It's nothing compared to the tumble I take later,


	TOMMY (vo): Prime? A little advice? Next time -- take a space ship.
	OPTIMUS (vo): What would I do without you, Tommy?

PHIL: Have less stress?

DOUG: Have friends talk to you?

SIPHER: Find someone else to dress up as a princess?

	OPTIMUS: Sure... if you just tell me what this project is all about.
	TOMMY: Prime, next time I promise to tell you everything, when I
		transform your day into an adventure.

DOUG: (Prime) MY day, you litlte punk?

	(Tommy backflips onto Prime's shoulder and holds on to where
		Prime's "ear" would be.)
	(Prime's jets fire, and they blast off into space, where a very
		animatronic Prime and Tommy can be seen.)

SIPHER: (strangled noises gasping for Prime, than a wet splurchy explosion)

	(fade to black)

     Music - "Dawn of a New Day" -- Vince DiCola

	Recognize this song?

	It's Vince DiCola's "Dawn of a New Day", the
	BotCon 1998 theme song.  Vince rearranged
	the song as a piano solo, and it was
	programmed as a demo in every Alesis DG8
	keyboard on the market.

	And remember, you can buy fine, high-quality
	Alesis instruments from any reputable music

	That's Alesis -

	[selling out]


(Pause tape, house lights up)


SIPHER: Ridiculous. Just ridiculous.

PHIL: I know I'll regret this, but... what?

SIPHER: The most powerful energy source in the world... is ruby crystals.

PHIL: Okay, that's a little silly...

SIPHER: Little silly? Screw nuclear power, PILE UP THE RUBIES!

PHIL: You do realize that back then they were more or less forbidden to
	mention nuclear power, right?

SIPHER: Maybe, but RUBY DAMN CRYSTALS? They'd have better luck using 'em
	to make a whole bunch of slippers and WISHING their way back to
	Cybertron! If they were running out of impressive-sounding power
	sources and had to just make crap up, why not make up some top-secret
	experimental magno-MacGuffin energy generator? Cartoons pull that off
	all the time!

DOUG: And speaking of limp cartoon conventions and time, what about all
	this stuff that happends AT THE DAWN OF TIME? By whose watch?

PHIL: Oh, not you too.

SIPHER: You're really on about that, aren't you? But at least they don't
	base entire scripts are that. What about time-travel? Because THERE'S
	a whole kettle of bad fish.

PHIL: I think you guys are taking this a little too-

DOUG: There's always two kinds of time-travel stories. They either go into
	the past then do things that bring about the present as it happened
	anyway, giving them the ability to make some halfassed genesis story
	for stuff they didn't think about before...

SIPHER: ...or they go into the future, which is all terrible now because
	the person is no longer in the present, or what is now the past,
	because they're now in the future, which is now the present.

DOUG: ... right.

SIPHER: That's a beard they'll have. In the FUTURE.

PHIL: Okay, now you're just blathering nonsense.

DOUG: You want to know what gets me about the jump-to-the-bad-future
	stories, though?

PHIL: (cradling his head in his hands) Please, no.

DOUG: The entire episode is almost invariably set around the time-displaced
	character setting right the wrongs in the future... WHILE IN THE
	FUTURE. If the future dystopia is caused by the character's absense
	from the present past, why bother fixing the future while then since
	all it takes is their re-emergance into the original timestream to
	render the future present impossible in the first place?

SIPHER: Which then begs the question as to how said character is then able
	to retain memories of actions they didn't do anymore in the future
	that has ceased to exist!

PHIL: (Exasperated) Look, maybe the future thing ends up happening in an
	alternate dimension, okay? Jeez.

SIPHER: And that's another thing. The bloody alternate evil dimensions
	where bad guys are good and good guys are bad.


DOUG: And we get to see the bad guys beat the good guys without it being a
	bad thing, right.

SIPHER: The now-bad good guys are always in a position of power, which is
	also how the good-good guys are in the first reality. So if the bad-
	good guys are dethroned from power, shouldn't the whole negative-
	reality paradigm cause a shift in the original universe, bringing a
	rise in power to the bad-bad guys to maintain equilibrium?

PHIL: Guys... it's CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT. It's like watching you two
	skin a kitten! Isn't tearing this apart with overanalysis destroying
	the magic that ATTRACTED you to the whole enterprise in the first

(There is a slight pause)


PHIL: That's it, I'm outta here.

(Phil throws up his hands and leaves)

SIPHER: So how come whenever two characters swap minds, their larynxes are
	similarly exchanged?

DOUG: Do the Scooby-Doo kids wash their clothes every day? If not, where do
	they keep a huge wardrobe of identical outifts inside that small van?

PHIL: (From a distance) I HATE YOU BOTH!


(House lights down, unpause tape)

[A skit where we get to just make fun of different cartoon conventions.
Phil screwed up his line at the end and said "I HEARD THAT.  STOP IT."
instead of "I HATE YOU BOTH!".  He apologizes for ruining the joke.

The Big Blue Griffin is Megatron's big weapon from "Aerial Assault", FYI.]

     Music - "Mas Fun" -- They Might Be Giants

	You got the touch.

	You got the power.


[Not much to explain for this bumper.  It's just a small riff on "The
Touch" from "Transformers: The Movie".  Graham really, really liked this
bumper; a small test version Phil showed him had him laughing for a long

[Well, at least ten minutes.]


	TOMMY: Prime, since my teacher knows you're my friend,

SIPHER: She's NOT gonna call the cops.

	OPTIMUS: Finally.
	TOMMY: But first, the end of the story!
	(Footage from the previous episodes)
	OPTIMUS: But I told you how the Autobots crash-landed on Earth!


PHIL: (From the back of the room) I HEARD THAT!

	MEGATRON: (vo) We shall return home with enough power to build the
		ultimate weapon! AND conquer the universe!
	OPTIMUS: (vo) And how we met the human Spike.


SIPHER: Okay, now I'M sick of it!

(Phil comes back to his seat)

[Finally, we're done with those "DAWN OF TIME" jokes.]

	MIRAGE: Try this one, Spike! Now you see me... now you don't!
	SPIKE: (dreamily) Incredible!

SIPHER: I'm SO turned on.

	TOMMY: (vo) Bumblebee and Spike went into the cave-

PHIL: But that's Sparkplug... you're not the real Tommy! WE MUST HAVE A

[Referring to the G1 episode "A Prime Problem", where Megatron made a
duplicate Prime.  Teletraan-1 couldn't tell them apart (huh?), so the
big plan to expose the phony was... to have them race.]

	TOMMY: ...and the bomb exploded! And you were sent crashing down the
		side of the mountain!
	TOMMY: So you gotta finish the story first!
	(Back to Tommy & Op)
	OPTIMUS: THEN you promise to show me the project?
	(Tommy crosses his heart... kinda. It's more the stomach area.)

SIPHER: (Huge belch)

	Prime rolls down the hill)

SIPHER: (singing) Rollin' rollin' rollin', 'cuz the mine's explodin'...

[Spoofing the theme song of the TV show "Rawhide".]

	(The Autobots land by Prime as he stops, on his side)
	JAZZ: Prime, you all right?
	PROWL: Looks bad, Jazz.

DOUG: Should have gotten TMS to do the animation.

[TMS (Tokyo Movie Shinsha (sp?)) is an animation company that does very,
VERY good work.  They did the beautiful-if-overlong-and-confusing movie
"Akira", but do a lotof work for US TV, including "The Mighty Orbots" from
the 80's, and more recently, many episodes for various Warner Bros.' shows
from the early 90's on, including "Tiny Toon Adventures" (including the
entirety of the summer vacation movie), "Animaniacs", "Freakazoid!", plus
the Batman & Superman series, including the "Batman Beyond: Return of the
Joker" movie.]

	RATCHET: Let's get him up on his wheels.
	(The Autobots push Prime onto his wheels)


	(He's upright)
	RATCHET: Prime, can you hear me?

PHIL: Can you feel me near you?

	JAZZ: He's still generatin'!
	OPTIMUS: Roller! Wh... what happened to him?
	(Roller drives away from the entrance)

DOUG: He succeeeded in his mission... reminding kids that Prime's toy has

	JAZZ: Down, but not out! Roller's one tough little Autobot!
	RATCHET: Prime, can you transform?

PHIL: You've had a bad fall. Be sure to move EVERYTHING a lot.

	OPTIMUS: (starts to transform) I... I don't know... if I can do it!
		Ugh... agh!

SIPHER: (rude fart noise) Aaaah.

	(Gears, Huffer and Cliffjumper urge Prime on)
	GEARS: Try harder!
	HUFFER: You got it, you got it!

PHIL: Cliffjumper's got GREAT gams!

	(Prime grunts more as he slowly transforms bit by bit)

SIPHER: (more rude farties)

	(Prime's fists come out of his arms)

DOUG: (to Sipher) STOP IT.

[Oh, right.  *This* is why some say we aren't highbrow and educational.]

	(Optimus makes it to robot mode)

PHIL: That took a while. Must be Anniversary Prime.

[For the 20th anniversary of Transformers, Hasbro made a huge Optimus
Prime toy that took quite a long time to transform from one mode to
the other.]

	RATCHET: That was some blast you took!
	OPTIMUS: The blast! Bumblebee and Sparkplug! They're still inside!
	PROWL: How will we ever find them under all that rock?

DOUG: Look for the red stain.

	(A drill comes out of Ironhide's arm)
	IRONHIDE: Stand back!

SIPHER: (singing) I'll be a deee-eeentiiist...

[From the movie musical "Little Shop of Horrors", where Steve Martin has a
small role as a sadistic dentist.]

	(Ironhide begins drilling into the rock)
	OPTIMUS: Start digging!
	(The Autobots dig. Shot from inside the rubble, sunlight breaks
		through and Jazz peeks in)
	JAZZ: I found them! Over here!
	SPARKPLUG: Jazz! I thought we'd had it!


	OPTIMUS: Thanks to you two, the Decpeticons are finished!

PHIL: Uh, they just are. Trust me.

	SPARKPLUG: Wheeljack wasn't kidding when he said it would blow in
		sixty seconds!


	OPTIMUS: With the Decepticons buried under all that rock, we can
		resume our search for the resources we need.

PHIL: Let's go steal some rocket fuel!

	OPTIMUS: Very soon, Mirage. Very soon.
	(The top of the mountain explodes. The Autobots dodge the raining
	IRONHIDE: Leakin' lubricant!
	(Inside the mountain, Megatron lowers Mr. Fusion Cannon)
	SKYWARP: It worked! We're free!

DOUG: With 20 Robot Points!

["Robot Points" were little icons you could cut and save from G1 toy
packaging.  Every so often, Hasbro included mail-in forms with the toys
that you could use to redeem points for other toys or items.  We're pretty
sure that most of the time, it was just a way to get rid of toys that they
still had in the warehouse but weren't selling on the shelves anymore.
Sorry to ruin the magic.]

	MEGATRON: Power to the Decepticons FOREVER!
	(Pan over to Soundwave, who has an Autobot symbol on his chset,


	SOUNDWAVE: Energon cubes still functional.
	MEGATRON: Take them and follow me!

DOUG: Man. Wheeljack makes some pretty poor bombs.

PHIL: Yup.

	OPTIMUS: The Decepticons! They're escaping!
	IRONHIDE: AFTER them! They're-
	OPTIMUS: Save it, Ironhide. They're too fast for us in the air.

SIPHER: If only we could fly.

[But.. they CAN.  For another few minutes, at least.]

	IRONHIDE: I'LL stop 'em!
	(He takes off)
	OPTIMUS: Ironhide! Come back!
	BLUESTREAK: I'll get him!

PHIL: I've been dying for some screen time!

	(A still cel of both flying Autobots is dragged up and down)
	BLUESTREAK: Call it off, Ironhide! There's too many of them!

SIPHER: Animation by Clutch Cargo.

["Clutch Cargo" was a cartoon series from 1959 that had VERY limited
animation.  The mouths, in fact, were "animated" using a method called
"Synchro-Vox," in which actual human lips were superimposed on the animated
character's face.]

	IRONHIDE: Stop yappin, Bluestreak! This is my fight!
	BLUESTREAK: Make it OUR fight!
	(A missile launcher comes out of Ironhide's back, and fires into the
		Decepticons' V-formation)

ALL: (quacking duck-noises as soon as the V is visible)

	(The missile hits Skywarp's tailfin)


	SKYWARP: Skywarp to Megatron! Request permission to teleport!


PHIL: Request permission to wipe my own butt!

	(Skywarp vanishes. Ironhide and Bluestreak fly by, and Skywarp re-
		appears, tailfin intact)

DOUG: Did he warp back to base and get a new tailfin?

	(Skywarp fires missiles that miss badly)
	BLUESTREAK: It's like fightin' a shadow!

PHIL: A slow shadow with bad aim...

	IRONHIDE: Don't worry, we'll get him...
	(Ironhide is zapped in the back)
	(Ironhide falls, and hits a small lake with a tiny splash)

SIPHER: THAT was a short ten thousand feet!

	(Bluestreak wades into the lake and grabs Ironhide. The other
		Autobots land nearby.)
	BLUESTREAK: Throw me a line!

DOUG: Girl, you must be Jamaican!

[Referring to the horrid pick-up line, "Girl, you must be Jamaican, because
Jamaican me crazy!"  Also used by "Weird Al" Yankovic in "Wanna B Ur Lovr"
from 2003's "Poodle Hat"]

	(Jazz does the grapnel thing again)

SIPHER: Does ANYONE remember word one about tow-cables in Jazz's bio?

DOUG: Nope!

	IRONHIDE: I can't move!
	OPTIMUS: At least you can still talk, old buddy!

PHIL: That way Peter Cullen gets TWO checks!

[Peter Cullen voiced both Optimus Prime and Ironhide.]

	IRONHIDE: Think my linkage is busted!
	RATCHET: I'll check it. Get him inside!
	(Ratchet transforms)

SIPHER: That's a bigass ambulance.

[Think about it; Ironhide is bigger than the average human by quite a
bit.  How big must Ratchet be to fit him in the back?]

	(Jazz and Bluestreak pick up Ironhide)
	OPTIMUS: You gave us all a pretty good scare.
	IRONHIDE: It's been worse! I remember the time on Cybertron-


	OPTIMUS: ...there's a thin line between being a hero and being a
	JAZZ: Heh-heh. Maybe Ironhide's ready for a nice, cushy office job!
	IRONHIDE: Hey, no way! Soon as Ratchet tightens a few bolts, I'll be
		right back in action!
	(HIDEOUS shot of Optimus Prime all deformo'd)

ALL: (noises of shock and horror)

SIPHER: Still better than Rob Rufollo's work.

[Rob Rufollo drew the "Micromasters" series for Dreamwave in the summer of
2004.  The art was so confusing many people couldn't tell what was happening
on any particular page.]

	(The Autobots drive away. Back at the base, Spike's high up on a
		cliff, writing in his diary)
	SPIKE: (vo) Optimus Prime cares a lot for his fellow robots.

PHIL: I still don't know why he put me on this high cliff, though.

	SPIKE: (vo) ... he'd make a neat President!
	(Meanwhile, Hound is teasing a caged Ravage with a key just out of
	HOUND: Uh-uh, Ravage, this key's not for you!

DOUG: This Bud, however, is!

[Referring to the old Budweiser beer commercial tagline, "This Bud's For

	HOUND: Don't think he likes being a prisoner!
	MIRAGE: Can't say I blame him. You know, I'm surprised the
		Decepticons haven't tried to rescue him.

SIPHER: (Dean Martin) Jerry baby! Buh-buh-buh-boo...

[Mirage sounds like Dean Martin. Martin made his early career out of a mix
of musical talent and comedic acting in which he portrayed a suave playboy
who was more often drunk than not.  He frequently starred opposite Jerry

	HOUND: Hey, Ravage! Watch this!
	(Shot of Ravage's head)



[Again, if you don't understand, don't ask.]

	(Hound creates a Megatron hologram)
	HOUND: Ha-ha! Here's your friend Megatron, to keep you company!
	(Ravage snarls and jerks, whch the way it's animated puts his head
		right at Hound's butt)

DOUG: (Head-Crusher Guy) I'm biting your ass!

[The Head-Crusher Guy from "Kids in the Hall"]

	MIRAGE: (laughing) When we get back to Cybertron, will you make me a
		big house with a four-car garage?

SIPHER: (Mirage/Dean) I got three wives, ya see...

[Mirage is a car, see, so if he needs a four-car garage, he must have three

	HOUND: Mirage, you just gave me a great idea!

DOUG: Ravage, cover your ears and forget what we were saying.

	OPTIMUS: A hologram?
	HOUND: That's right, Prime! But I mean a BIG one!
	PROWL: What did you have in mind?

PHIL: A giant wooden rabbit!

[References the absurd take on the Trojan Horse ploy from "Monty Python and
the Holy Grail."]

	HOUND: ...that'll trick the Decepticons into coming to us, on our
	JAZZ: It might work!
	PROWL: What's the hologram of?
	OPTIMUS: I've got an idea.

DOUG: (Optimus) PUDDING.

[Another in-joke, this time from MSTF 4 in 2000, specifically from "Dark

	KUP : That's the point, sonny. What happened, Optimus?
	OPTIMUS : Darkness. Cold. Then, light.

DOUG: Then... pudding. I don't know why.

This was a favorite joke of ours, Doug's particularly, and it's made its way
into MSTF 6 and now 7, just like the "Bring me the sports section!" joke.
It'll probably be in MSTF 8, too.  Incidentally, this line made it into
something other than an MSTF.  If you are the first person to E-mail us with
the correct answer, you'll win one hu-- oh, sorry, we already have a winner.
Too bad for you.]

	(Hound is back outside, swinging the key ring on his finger)
	HOUND: I just saw Prime! He told me Teletraan-1's located a secret
		supply of rocket fuel!
	MIRAGE: Where?

PHIL: At the hologram!


	MIRAGE: Then maybe we can get to Cybertron?
	HOUND: Why there's enough rocket fuel at that base to make FOUR trips
		to Cybertron!

SIPHER: And it's not a trap! (snerk!)

	MIRAGE: But what about Ravage?
	HOUND: (putting the ring on his "belt") Don't worry about him. (The
		keyring "accidentally" slips off.) He's not going anywhere.


[Sipher still cracks up over this whole scene. It's so incredibly moronic,
really, that it's (to him at least) hilarious.]

	(Ravage manages to snag the key, and unlocks his cage. He bolts,


	MIRAGE: It's Ravage!
	HOUND: He's getting away!

PHIL: (Fakey) Oh no!

	(Ravage bounds up the rocks)


	(Ravage dives off the cliff)


[This joke got the biggest laugh of the entire performance.  Sipher's
delivery of the lines was just so perfect.  The audience cracked up.  The
performers cracked up.  It's a reference to the commercial for "Beggin'
Strips" dog treats, if you didn't recognize it, where we see the world from
a dog's point of view (we just see his nose jutting out from the bottom of
the screen) as he smells BACON BACON BACON BACON! and goes searching for
the source.  It's really a funny commerical. "What's that say?! I CAN'T

Funnily enough, Ravage isn't even a dog.  Although Swedish fan Cecilia Matz
later informed us that in at least one of the Swedish dubs of G1, his name
was actually "Dog".  Which is just awesome.

"BACON BACON BACON BACON" may take on a life of it's own....]

	(The Autobots return to Prime)
	OPTIMUS: What happened?
	HOUND: (In Mirage's voice) Ravage. He escaped!
	OPTIMUS: Perfect.
	(The Autobots look shocked, INCLUDING Hound, Prowl and Jazz)


	(Back at Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: Excellent work, Ravage, excellent! That rocket fuel is the
		last resource we need to defeat the Autobots and control
	STARSCREAM: Right on scehdule, aren't we?
	MEGATRON: No thanks to you, Starscream.
	STARSCREAM: I've made my contribution!

DOUG: I gave at the office!

[Referring to giving blood/donating money/etc.]

	MEGATRON: ...your desire to repalce me as leader of the Decepticons!
		Mistake number ONE.
	STARSCREAM: It's time for a change, Megatron!

PHIL: It's time for NEW COKE!

[New Coke was supposed to be this huge new money maker for Coca-Cola in
the 1980's, with a new formula that would beat Pepsi.

Coke drinkers reacted by not buying it in droves, and Coke had to rush to
get the original formula back on the market as "Coca-Cola Classic".  Soon,
New Coke became "Coke II" and then vanished.]

	STARSCREAM: I am the leader of the future!
	MEGATRON: You couldn't lead ant-droids to a picnic.

DOUG: He's only been on the planet two days, and he's already mastered the
	dumb joke.

	(Megatron walks away, turning his back. Starscream aims)
	SOUNDWAVE: Megatron!
	(Starscream fires. Megatron puts up an energy shield. Starscream's
		rifle smokes)
	STARSCREAM: It's... it's empty!

SIPHER: My pants are full, though!

	MEGATRON: You should have disposed of me what you had the chance,
		Starscream. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. (Aims) Now it's my turn!
	STARSCREAM: Please! Don't fire! I...

PHIL: (smooth) I love you, baby! It'll never happen again! I love you so
	much, baby, that I-

	(Megatron fires, hitting Starscream in the arm and knocking him to
		his feet.)

PHIL: Daaamn, baby!

[Either a typical "cheater-gets-caught" moment, mixed with the whole
homoerotic thing, or an Ike-and-Tina-Turner type deal.]

	(Starscream gets to his knees and crawls to Megatron, clutching at
		his cannon of all things)

SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen, the genesis of a WHOLE lotta slash-fics!

[Yep; this would be the start of the whole Starscream/Megatron romance
fanfiction.  Again, we're NOT making up their existance. Oh how we wish we
were.  What's creepier is how many of these are written by women... possibly
ALL of them, but we don't want to do that kind of reasearch.]

	(A big empty desertscape. Hound steps up, and creates a huge hologram
		of a rocket base.)

PHIL: I see the Autobots have the Wile E. Coyote playbook.

[From the "Looney Toons" cartoons.  Wile E. had a penchant for overblown set-ups
for his plans, not to mention operating in the desert.]

	MEGATRON: Decepticons, ATTACK!
	(Fade to black)

PHIL: Or not!

	(fade back in)

PHIL: Okay, yeah, on second thought, attack!

	(Shots of Autobots in giant labcoats running)

SIPHER: Oh man...

	(The Autobots pull off the coats)

SIPHER: HAH! Fooled by our clever disguises!

	(Fight scenes)


[Referring to the 1960's "Batman" TV show, where the fight scenes were
punctuated by colorful sound effect cards -- "BAF!"  "POW!"]

	OPTIMUS: HOLD IT! Stop fighting!
	(Several Decepticons just collapse into piles of parts)
	OPTIMUS: What in the universe is going on here?
	JAZZ: Scrap!
	PROWL: Springs!
	HOUND: Junk.

PHIL: Last time I buy off eBay.

[If you're on the Internet and don't know what eBay is... you must be
richer than all of us.]

	MEGATRON: That's right, Prime! I was on to your little scheme from
		the start! Did you really think you could fool me by allowing
		Ravage to escape?

SIPHER: This is the SIXTH TIME you've tried this crap!

	MEGATRON: While you and the other Autobots have been fighting a bunch
		of loose screws, the REAL Decepticons have been at the REAL
		rocket site!

DOUG: Fighting the REAL Autobots! Wait...

	MEGATRON: The Decepticons have WON! (laughs)
	OPTIMUS: The race isn't over yet, Megatron.
	MEGATRON: Oh, it's OVER, Prime. You just don't KNOW it! HAHAHAHAHAH!

PHIL: (Megatron/Captain Joe) You're stuck here!

[In a scene from the MST3k experiment "Fugitive Alien," Captain Joe of the
Bacchus 3 is trying to console Ken, a former Star Wolf who's abandoned his
invading comrades and is now on the run.  Joe starts to laugh hard at part
of his own speech, then abruptly wheels to face Ken and angrily announces,
"You're stuck here!"  It's such a weird mood-swing transition that the scene
became something of a running gag for the MST guys.]

	(The REAL Decepticons fly overhead. At the rocket base...)
	TOWERGUY: Unidentified aircraft approaching, sir! A lot of them!
	SIR: This is Cape Carlson control tower!

SIPHER: Cape Carlson, Private Eye!

	TOWERGUY: They're moving fast, sir!
	SIR: Repeat! Cape Carlson

SIPHER: Private eye!

["Cape Carlson" just SOUNDS like an old 40's serial private eye name,
doesn't it?]

	SIR: Give us an ID and a flight mission! That's an order!
	CASEY KASEM: Look, they're coming down!
	SIR: Sound the alarm!
	(The Decepticons transform and land. Soldiers fire at them, and their
		rifles make weird non-bullet-firing noises, and the shots
		bounce harmlessly off the Decepticons)

DOUG: (weakly) Our Daisy Air Rifles aren't working, Sir!

[Daisy has been making air rifles, BB guns, and other assorted weapons for
over one hundred years.]

	SIR: Who are they? What's HAPPENING down there?!
	CASEY KASEM: Our weapons are totally ineffective!

PHIL: Your weapons are useless against Prince of Space!

[Another MST3k experiment, "Prince of Space", a 1950s theatrical serial from
Japan.  The hero announces to the villains numerous times throughout the
movie that their weapons have no effect on him.  It doesn't seem to sink in,
as they still try to shoot him, so it seems to have needed repeating.]

	(Megatron lands)
	MEGATRON: Excellent, EXCELLENT! Prepare the energon cubes!
	(Back at Decep HQ, the elevator lifts the final batch of cubes to the
	SOUNDWAVE: Course back to Cybertron charted. Space cruiser fueled and
		ready for depature.

SIPHER: (Soundwave) In-flight movie is Bio-Dome.

["Bio-Dome" starred Pauly Shore.  That's all you need to know in order to
avoid this movie like the plague.]

	(Autobot HQ)
	OPTIMUS: We have come to a moment of truth. The Decepticons are in a
		position to return to Cybertron. We have no choice but to
		attack them directly.

PHIL: (Prime) Sitting around and hoping they'd go away hasn't worked.

	OPTIMUS: ... so I ask for volunteers. Jazz?

SIPHER: You're volunteered.

	(Everyone steps forward, including Spike and Sparkplug)
	OPTIMUS: (in Jazz's voice) Autobots, transform!

DOUG: (Fakey) BOY, I'm glad this isn't like Armada which had all those
	voice flubs!

[One complaint of the "Transformers: Armada" cartoon was that frequently
the wrong voice would be dubbed in or other vocal goofs.  And of course,
"Generation 1" had none of those.]

	(Everyone transforms but Prime and Jazz. And the humans.)
	JAZZ: Start your engines!
	(The Autobots line up)
	JAZZ: Ready, Prime!
	(The same hideous deformo shot of Prime)

ALL: (shock and horror)

	(The Autobots drive off. Sigil transition. Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: So CLOSE, Soundwave!

PHIL: Aw, it happens to everyone, Megatron.

	MEGATRON: So very VERY close... to conquest!
	(The Autobots drive up... REALLY SLOWLY)

SIPHER: They're all being driven by grannies!

	OPTIMUS: Encircle the base!
	(They drive into a circle)

ALL: (Old Western movie Indian, not Red Alert) WOO WOO WOO WOO

	MEGATRON: Decepticons! It is time to return to Cybertron and conquer
		the Autobots... FOREVER!
	(The Decepticons cheer, but there' a slight delay between the audio
		and the animation of fist-raising)

ALL : (as the hands go up) Uh yeah, sure whatever, yeah right (etc)


PHIL: BOY I'm glad this isn't like Robots in Disguise where everyone
	announced what they were doing!

[One complaint of the "Transformers: Robots in Disguise" cartoon was that
the characters would always announce the name of their special attack
maneuvers or "{Character Name} -- TRANSFORM!".  And of course, "Generation
1" never did that.]

	(Autobots transform and run. And run.)

SIPHER: Is somebody gonna SHOOT?

	MEAGTRON: We are under siege! Decepticons, TRANSFORM!
	(Megatron transforms and lands in Skywarp's hands. Other Decepticons
		leap off the elevator)

DOUG: I love how nobody's transforming. AGAIN.

	SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Laserbeak, Ravage, prepare for battle. Operation:

SIPHER: (Soundwave) The goofy game for dopey doctors.

["Operation" was a game that first appeared in the 1950's that allowed kids
to "operate" on a patient.  It consisted of a board with a picture of a
person with slots to contain different maladies -- "funny bone", "butterfiles
in the stomach", etc.  You took a special tweezers to try to remove the
part from the slot without touching the side, or else the patient would
"wake up", signified with his nose glowing red and a loud buzzer.

Kinda gruesome, actually, if you think that maybe they aren't using

	SOUNDWAVE: Eject. Eject. Eject!
	(The three tapes eject. Ravage pounces on Sparkplug)

DOUG: I guess they brought the humans as bait.

	(Hound and Rumble fight, grabbing at each others' throats. Weird
		bubbles float up which might be dust, who knows)

PHIL: (disgusted) Oh man, what's Rumble DOING?!

SIPHER: Light a match!

[What would an MSTF be without toilet humor?  Oh, yeah, highbrow and
educational.  Right.]

	RUMBLE: What makes you think you can fight?
	HOUND: Watch me!
	(Hound lifts Rumble... by cupping his crotch)


	(Hound hurls Rumble against a rock and punches him repeatedly.
		Skywarp and Thundercracker transformer in very badly-renedered

DOUG: Picassocons, away!

[Pablo Picasso drew very unique drawings, in which reality is told to
take the night off.]

	(They join a very slow-flying LAserbeak in midair)

SIPHER: I like how they can stay airborne at two miles an hour.

	(Prime's trailer opens to show Combat Deck. Megatron returns to robot
		mode. Prime points...)
	(Combat Deck fires. Megatron returns fire, destroying Combat Deck.
		Prime points again... and a blast from nowhere knocks
		Megatrons' cannon off!)


[Ah, the famous "Finger of Doom" scene, Transformers net.legend.  It does look
like Prime is shooting Megatron's cannon off with only his finger.]

	OPTIMUS: It's just you and me now, Megatron!
	MEGATRON: Then you'd better get some help, Prime!
	OPTIMUS: Oooooooh nooooo. I've been waiting for this chance.
	(Megatron lunges)

PHIL: (Megatron) Kiss me you fool!

	OPTIMUS: Only ONE of us is going back, Megatron!
	(Megatron grabs Prime's head in both hands)
	MEGATRON: It won't be YOU, Prime!

	(Starscream aims his null ray, but Spike hurls a rock, knocking it)
		off Starscream's arm.

PHIL: Oh no!

	STARSCREAM: Who did that?!
	(Starscream reaches for his null ray, but Prowl runs it over,
		crushing it)



	MEGATRON: Never, Prime! You and every last Autobot were to be

PHIL: WERE to be? So you've changed your mind about that?

	(Ravage knocks Optimus off Megatron)

ALL: (raise glasses) To the space cruiser! (clink!)

[A toast!  Everybody drink!]

	(A pair of Reflectors drop Windcharger and Gears. The jets turn and

DOUG: Classic Decepticon strategy. Get 'em on the ropes, then RUN AWAY.

	(The Autobots fire back, hitting rocks instead of Decepticons)

ALL: (helpful suggestions... up a little! Try aiming!)

	(Megatron is the last to get in)

PHIL: We'll send you a postacard! Love you!

	(Inside, Soundwave presses buttons)
	(Soundwave presse a button. The rockets fire, and the cruiser
		launches from the mountain and into the atmosphere.)


	(Commercial break)
	(Fade back in. The Autobots are staring into space)

PHIL: Man, that cruiser's a very clean-burning one, no exhaust at all.

	(Shot of a very long-legged Prime from behind)
	JAZZ: It's over, Prime. We've lost.

SIPHER: Prime's got Lupin proportions.

[Lupin III, gentleman thief and titular hero of the long-running manga and
anime series created by artist Kazuhiko Kato (a.k.a. Monkey Punch), is very
thin and lanky.  It's also worth noting that Lupin's sharpshooter partner
Daisuke Jigen is voiced in the dub by Richard Epcar, writer/performer in the
"Transformers: Robots in Disguise" cartoon, which explains the bizarreness
of both series' dialogue at times.  A mid-70's cartoon making references to
Gwenneth Paltrow and eBay?  Wacky.]

	OPTIMUS: Sideswipe! Give me your rocket pack.
	SIDESWIPE: My rocket pack?

DOUG: The Muffin Man?

[A reference to the scene in "Shrek" where Lord Farquardt is interrogating
the Gingerbread man, which in turn references the children's song/nursery
rhyme "The Muffin Man."  "Do you know the Muffin Man?"  "The Muffin Man?"]

	(Jazz puts Sideswipe's rocket pack on Prime)
	JAZZ: This is crazy, Prime! You'll never catch him!

PHIL: Catch him? I'm bolting.

	(Prime blasts off. To the Decep cruiser...)
	MEGATRON: It's done! We've seen the last of the Autobots, AND Optimus

DOUG: Yeah, there's no way they could escape from that energy-rich planet.

	STARSCREAM: Prime is right behind us!
	MEGATRON: That's impossible!
	(He steps to the viewscreen, and there's Prime!)
	MEGATRON: Open the artillery hatch!
	(A gun pops out of the ship's hull)

SIPHER: Oh, THAT'S what that's for!

	(The shot screams through space, and nails Prime, who goes tumbling)

PHIL: Optimus Prime, master of evasion.

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Full throttle! We're goign home! OUR HOME!

ALL: (singing) In the middle of our street!

[The song "Our House" by "Madness":  "Our house -- in the middle of our

	JAZZ: It's Prime! He's been hit!
	PROWL: He's out of control!
	(Prime hits the ground hard)

DOUG: Man, he should leave an impact crater half a mile wide.

SIPHER: Or at LEAST be in tiny parts.

	(The Autobots help Prime up)
	OPTIMUS: (groaning) I'm FINE.

DOUG: It was only a three hundred thousand foot fall. I'm peachy.

	SPARKPLUG: You did all anyone COULD do, Prime.
	OPTIMUS: I don't know. Maybe. ... Where's Mirage?

SIPHER: Doing more than anyone could do, apparently.

	(Decep cruiser)
	MEGATRON: At last! Total victory is within my grasp!
	STARSCREAM: (vo) Not YOURS, Megatron! MINE!
	(Zoom out, and Starscream is aiming his blaster at Megatron. Cut back
		to Megs, and several Decepticons step away from him)
	MEGATRON: (laughs) I see you've learned nothing, Starscream.
	STARSCREAM: WRONG! I've learned a great deal!

PHIL: (Starscream) I learned that rhinoceros sleep standing up!

	MEGATRON: If you dispose of me, there will always be someone waiting
		to dispose of YOU.

SIPHER: Depending on their disposition.

	STARSCREAM: I've waited for this moment a long time, Megatron! And my
		time is NOW!
	(Mirage de-invisibles)
	SOUNDWAVE: Autobot invader! Autobot invader!
	(Mirage blasts a control panel)

DOUG: Okay, MIRAGE is the real hero. Up yours, Prime.

	(Starscream turns and blasts Mirage. Megatron grabs Mr. Fusion Cannon
		and blasts Starscream.)
	MEGATRON: Extinction to all traitors!
	SOUNDWAVE: Space cruiser losing power!

SIPHER: (Soundwave) More important problems, pinhead!

	MEGATRON: (panicking) Do something, Soundwave! Regain control!
	(The entire ship shudders)
	SOUNDWAVE: Control impossible! Prepare for impact!
	(Shot of Rumble amind smoke and flames)


[From the Fenslerfilms "G.I. Joe" PSA parodies, where the audio track is
replaced and on occasion the video edited for comedy.  They're really a
hot-and-cold thing... some are just painful and dull, but when they hit,
they really hit.  This is a reference to a PSA about not trying to cook when
your parents aren't supervising; a kid attempting this catches drapes (oddly
hung over the oven range) on fire.  The Joe member Blowtorch runs in, not to
rescue them, but because he was lured in by the smell of "PORKCHOP
SANDWICHES!"  He then swears like a sailor as he panics at the sight of fire.
The kids, by the way, speak in near-retarded gibberish.]

	(The ship smokes and curves in space, and falls back to Earth.
		Interior shot of the ship, the camera rolling in a circle.)


	(Mirage gets up and opens a hatch)
	MIRAGE: I'll say hello to... to Prime for you, Megatron! Happy

PHIL: Our landing will be unhappy without him!

	(The Autobots leap up onto a cliff as the Decepticon cruiser screams
		by in flames)
	OPTIMUS: They're going to crash!


	(The cruiser hits the ocean. The Autobots cheer.)
	OPTIMUS: The Decepticons are gone!

DOUG: Just like at the ruby mines of Burma.

SIPHER: Hee hee hee.

	JAZZ: They were on their way to Cybertron. Must've been a mechanical
	PROWL: I don't think it was a mechanical failure, Jazz. Look!
	(Mirage parachutes down)

PHIL: See, Prime? That's a PARACHUTE. Next time, try one!

	OPTIMUS: We knew you were anxious to get back to Cybertron... but at
		least you could have waited for us.
	MIRAGE: Sorry, Prime. The ship was... full!

ALL: (fakey laughs)

SIPHER: Ha ha ha you're under arrest.

	OPTIMUS: Well done, Mirage.
	JAZZ: Well, let's get back to the base. We have a ship of our own to
	SPIKE: Can I go back to Cybertron with you?

DOUG: (Prime) Do you like breathing pure methane?

	SPARKPLUG: Only if I can go with you!
	(That same hideous shot of Prime AGAIN)


	OPTIMUS: Autobots, transform!
	(He transforms. Then Jazz does. Then Hound and Sideswipe...)

SIPHER: Yes, yes, we know.

	(sigil transition. Shot of Autobot HQ from above)
	SPIKE: (vo) Because the Autobots stoped the Decepticons from stealing
		Earth's resources, the governments of the world agreed to give
		Optimus Prime the energy he needs to re-vitalize Cybertron!

DOUG: So we're giving them all of Earth's resources.

	(Spike is writing in his diary again)
	SPIKE: (vo) Well, that's it from Earth! Next stop, Cybertron!
	OPTIMUS: Ready, Spike? It's almost time to blast off!
	SPIKE: I'll be right there, Prime! (vo) One more thing.

PHIL: I'm Batman.

[Number 12.]

	SPIKE: (vo) ...we don't have to worry about Megatron and all those
		Decepticons any more!
	(Shot of the ocean. Music gets tense... underwater, the cruiser sits
		on a shelf, apparently undamaged. A hatch opens and Megatron
		crawls out and looks around.)

SIPHER: (Megatron) Ah, crap, we've got water in the basement.

	(Back to Tommy & Optimus)
	OPTIMUS: Allright, the story's finished.


	TOMMY: Sure!
	(He slips the cover off to reveal a statue of Prime's head. Reaction
		shot of Prime)

DOUG: (Prime) Aww, you had blind kids make me a statue of Lincoln.

[Why Lincoln? It's just meaner and therefore funnier.]

	OPTIMUS: Even my own programmer couldn't tell the difference, but
		what's it for?
	TOMMY: We're gonna present it to ALL of the Autobots!

PHIL: As a constant reminder that we only like YOU, Prime.

[Seriously, Prime is basically THE only Autobot the average mid-20's
nostalgic remembers with anything approaching clarity, save maybe

	TOMMY: And what better way to celebrate than with a statue?

SIPHER: You don't know about ale and whores, huh kid?

ALL: WOOOOOOOO!!!! (random revelling)

	(Fade to black)

     Music - "The Ocean" -- Band of Weeds

	       Top Ten Worst Ideas in Twenty Years
	                of Transformers

	5) "But how about if some HUMAN claimed to
	    CONTROL the robots for some radical terrorist
	    purpose?" -- Donny Finkleberg

	4) "I'm grateful, but only a flier has a chance of
	    clearing the blast." -- Optimus Primal

	3) "No you don't, Megatron!" -- Hot Rod

	2) "Nightbird has been constructed to demonstrate
	    to the world the limitless capabilities of
	    technology." -- Dr. Fujiyama

	1) "Lazarus.  They call me Lazarus.  So should
	    you." -- Lazarus




[Lazarus was the main villian in Dreamwave's first "Generation 1" comic
mini-series.  For the most part, he was not liked by the fandom, and not
in a "Oh, I hate him because he's such an effective villian!" way.  No,
more like, "Oh, I hate him because he's a WASTE OF SPACE AND INK."]


(Pause tape, house lights up)


(Dramatic march music is playing, something patriotic. If we can't get
actual music, we'll do it ourselves a capella. If this is the case, while
one is talking the other two are keeping the tune going, and switch off. All
speak with a very important-sounding, proud tone.)

SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen, there are thousands of characters spread
	across the many timelines and universes of the Transformers. Yet many
	are unsung heroes who have fallen through the cracks of fictional

DOUG: Takara's vaguely-recent release of Sunstorm and Load Hauler, recolors
	of classic Transformers toys inspired by background charcaters within
	More Than Meets the Eye, is but a tip of the iceberg.

PHIL: Yes, the background of the Transformers mythos is rich with deeply-
	nuanced characters, just like the cantina scene in "Star Wars" where
	every off-the-rack wolf mask is an interstellar hero without whom the
	universe would have ceased to exist because THEY'RE GONNA MILK THAT

(Phil stops and looks embarrased, since Doug and Sipher are giving him odd
looks, but not breaking the tune if they can help it)

SIPHER: So, in tribute to all those nameless and shoddily-colored
	background robots, we present to you...


(Shot of Sideswipe standing beside Megatron at the new base from part 1)

PHIL: You may wonder what Sideswipe is doing at the Decepticon base. But
	repeated appearances in later episodes prove that it is in fact the
	Decepticon secret agent SWIPESIDE! He's Sideswipe's Decepticon
	couterpart, and he's always nearby. REAL nearby. He reports on the
	Autobots' plans, like their famous "sit around and wait for Megatron
	to make a big weapon then go blow it up" strategy. Of course,
	Megatron doesn't listen to him anyway because he's an idiot. NEXT!

(Shot of the Decepticon lineup, with three odd-colored Rumbles)

SIPHER: These-

PHIL: Oh, the idiot being Megatron, not Swipeside.

SIPHER: (slight pause to make sure Phil doesn't interrupt again) These
	three are the triple threat called Tumble, Fumble, and Crumble.
	Sadly, this was their only involvement with the Decepticons, as
	shortly afterwards they persued a film career in Hollywood. Being
	passed up for the parts of Lock, Shock and Barrel in Tim Burton's
	critically-acclaimed "The Nightmare Before Christmas" was a major
	blow, forcing them to subsist on small parts in many failed sticoms.
	After being rejected as stunt doubles for the Powerpuff Girls, they
	have since moved on to starring in videos of a nature that we are not
	allowed to discuss here. NEXT!

(Shot of a random teal jet from somewhere)

DOUG: This is DEATHSKYBUSTER. He's an insanely powerful Decepticon who
	single-handedly wiped out six Autobot platoons, and nearly took the
	Autobot Matrix from Optimus Prime... in the fanfic he wrote about
	himself. He doesn't show that to his co-workers at the refuel hut
	because then they laugh at him and pour lubricant down his skidplate.

(Shot of the purple Skyraider jumping off the elevator)

PHIL: ... oh, wait, sorry. That's just an animation error. NEXT!

[We're being mean.  Don't ask.]

(Shot of Ravage)

SIPHER: You may think this is Ravage, but you're mistaken. No, this is
	Ravage's identical twin SAVAGE, who looks exactly like Ravage.
	However, where Ravage is a saboteur and one of Soundwave's most
	trusted cassettes, Savage is actually a frustrated author whose
	books, such as "Decepticons Are From Cybertron, Autobots Are From
	Gobotropolis" were banned by Optimus Prime and the Autobot Council Of
	Elder Librarians as being "maliciously divisive and also in purple
	crayon". NEXT!

(Shot of Decepticon group from MTMTE pt1)

DOUG: Finally, we come to this famous image. Yes, who can forget the
	notorious orange jet leading this Decepticon patrol against Autobot
	intruders on Cybertron? We can, because we're not going to talk about
	HIM. We're here to talk about UNSUNG heroes! Sunstorm here
	practically has an entire opera now, thanks to three toys and a major
	story arc in the comics!

PHIL: Nor are we here to talk about Purple Flamethrower Man, who is just a
	funky-colored Air Warrior. SO SAYS US. (gives the audience a very
	stern look, complete with finger pointed in the "YOU want some?"

SIPHER: And NOBODY gives a damn about that blue guy. Screw him with a
	phillips head.

DOUG: Instead, the greatest unsung Decepticon ever... Bill, show us who is is!

(Shot of Decepticon group with shadowy figure spotlighted)

DOUG: SEE? What character could possibly be lurking in the shadows, unseen
	by all, yet in his own way the most important character of all?

PHIL: Who IS this mysterious dark Decepticon?

SIPHER: ALL will be revealed!

(Shot dissolves, zooms, dissolves, and zooms again to reveal...)


[And finally, lucky Number 13.  Obsessive?  Probably.  But boy, did the
crowd react to the payoff, making the previous references all worth it.

It's also worth noting that the VCR we had did not have a pause button.  So,
each time there was an image on the screen (save for the purple Decepticon),
we would say, "Look closely, keep looking, got it and STOP!"and stop the
tape.  Which, actually, was a lot funnier than had we just been able to
pause it.

And, we came up with a damn snappy march, if we do say so ourselves.  We
don't need no steenkin' instruments; a capella, baby.]

(House lights down, roll credits)


	            INSPIRED BY

            Mystery Science Theater 3000
            Cartoon Network's Adult Swim

        (See what cable TV does to you kids?)


                      Doug Dlin
                  Matthew Greenbaum
                     Robert Jung
                    Matt Kuphaldt
               Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak
                    Jennifer Ulm
                    Graham Weaver
                    David Willis
                   Philip N. Zeman


                      Doug Dlin
               Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak
                   Philip N. Zeman


                     Robert Jung
             Modified by Philip N. Zeman


                       Bill Ray
                    Kelly Sepelak
                      Benson Yee

	            Intel Inside!
	  (Done just to irritate Rob Jung)


        Opening: "Fight Song!" by The Aquabats

        Closing: "Man It's So Loud in Here
                 (Hot 2002 Remix)"
                 by They Might Be Giants

	             BUMPER MUSIC

        "Happiness Hotel" -- The Great Muppet Caper
        "I'm a Boinger" -- The Harry Pitts Band
        "The Tick" Theme -- The Tick
        "StrongBad Techno" --
        "We Are the Bonnes" -- Mega Man Legends
        "Dawn of a New Day" -- Vince DiCola
        "Mas Fun" -- They Might Be Giants
        "The Ocean" -- Band of Weeds


	  3H Productions
	  All who helped this year's production

	  And you most of all, Scarecrow

                    LEAD SWIMMER

               Greg "M Sipher" Sepelak


                   Philip N. Zeman

	OPTIMUS: Perfect.
	(The Autobots look shocked, INCLUDING Hound, Prowl and Jazz)

	               THE END

         Copyright 2004 King Weasel Productions
               with SkyJammer Enterprises

     Music - "Chicken Yodel" -- Kerry Christensen

	You're listening to Kerry Christensen's "Chicken
	Yodel".  Sipher vetoed the idea to use this for a

	Well guess what, Siph:

	I'm in control now.



	What do you mean we're done?

	Out of time?  We can't be out of time!

	Son of a


Full Script
Opening Credits and Skit Episode 1 Second Skit Episode 2
Third Skit Episode 3 Fourth Skit Episode 4
Closing Skit and Credits