MSTF 7: Generation Why?
The Annotated Script

Episode Two

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BUMPER THREE : STEALING THE MATRIX
     Music - "The Tick (theme)" -- The Tick
===========================================================================

	Here's a question for you.


	Has anyone ever attempted to steal the Matrix
	and failed?


	Galvatron got it from Magnus.
	Megatron got it from Optimus.
	Optimus got it from Starscream.


	Hell, Rodimus had it stolen from him at least
	three times.  Scourge, Optimus, and Ghyrik
	all stole it from him.


	There's a 100% success rate of stealing the
	Matrix.


	If you can try, you can get it.




	Except from Buster.


	[ha ha]

[Galvatron got it from Magnus in "Transformers: The Movie".  Megatron got
it from Optimus, and then Optimus from Starscream, in the G2 comics.
Rodimus lost it to Scourge in G1's "The Burden Hardest to Bear", to Optimus
in "The Return of Optimus Prime, Part 2", and Ghyrik in the UK comics.

But Buster was able to hold on to it in the original G1 comic series from
issues #6-12, and only gave it up when Optimus asked for it back.  What's
up with that?]

***************************************************************************
EPISODE TWO : MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE PART 1
***************************************************************************

PHIL: That really hurt.

SIPHER: Shut up.

	(The scene is a somewhat desolate area; rocks are the only things
		around. Tommy runs into view.)

[We just want to point out that there were a few people in the audience who
may not have believed us when we said "Tommy Kennedy intros and endings."
As soon as Tommy appeard on screen, several people said, "... oh, MY...."

Never doubt us again.  We are the GODS OF HELLFIRE AND WE BRING YOU
CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT.

*cough*

Back to the script.]

	TOMMY: Optimus!
	(Scene of Animatronic Prime landing, wind blowing from his rocket
		jets.)

SIPHER: And the tornado was seen picking up chickens, cows, and small
	children....

	(Prime extends his hand for Tommy to climb on.)

DOUG: (Optimus) Pull my finger!

	(A very blue-screened Tommy on the hand is lifted in front of the
		Optimus model.)
	TOMMY: Prime, I don't have much time today! I'm working on a special
		project for school.
	OPTIMUS: What's it about?

SIPHER: "The Reproductive System of Female Autobots".

	OPTIMUS: Okay, Tommy. I've handled enough emergencies to know that
		some things just can't wait.
	(Shot of space... blue space)

PHIL: Sure is a nice day in the endless void.

	TOMMY (vo): Prime, tell me something I don't know!

SIPHER: (Prime) You're adopted.

	OPTIMUS (vo): Well, did you know that centuries of war had drained
		our planet of its precious energy resources?
	TOMMY (vo): Whoa. Looks like old Cybertron was ready for the scrap-
		heap.

DOUG: Like Detroit.

	OPTIMUS (vo): And the Autobots and Decepticons were on the verge of
		extinction.
	TOMMY (vo): How'd they survive?

SIPHER: They became cannibals.

	OPTIMUS (vo): But each side knew that at any moment, a battle could
		erupt. And that battle could be their last.
	(A grate lifts up, and Wheeljack climbs out of the hole)

ALL: (singing) Teenage Mutant Ninja Tur-tles...

[From the 80's cartoon of the same name, featuring turtles who lived
in the sewers.]

	WHEELJACK: There's not enough energy in these conductors to last a
		quartex!

PHIL: Maybe a quarter of a quartex.

	BUMBLEBEE: At least we found these, Wheeljack.
	WHEELJACK: And when these run out...?

SIPHER: We DIE.

[Not exactly a reference to the last words of the enemy commander in "The
Last Starfighter" -- more a reference to what Graham remembered them being.
He hasen't seen "The Last Starfighter" since probably when it came out, so
there might not even be a scene passingly like this.

Never let accuracy stand in the way of a joke, eh, Graham?]

	BUMBLEBEE: Can't worry about that now! Hey, let's get back to Iacon.

DOUG: If the chickens say they all right, they must be all right!

[From the song "Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens", from the musical "Five
Guys Named Moe".  The line from the MSTF is followed by "Let's get back to
the shack, Jack!".]

	WHEELJACK: (transforms) Load up!
	BUMBLEBEE: I bet Optimus Prime'll be glad to see us!

PHIL: Not since you slept with Elita, Bumblebee.

[That's Elita-One, Prime's...er, significant other.  Featured in a single G1
episode, "The Search for Alpha Trion."]

	(Bumblebee climbs into Wheeljack, who drives out into a Cybertronic
		cityscape)

DOUG: Good, they can use the carpool lane.

	WHEELJACK: We're nearing the bridge to Iacon. One mega-mile to go.

SIPHER: 96 mega-miles until next rest stop.

	BUMBLEBEE: Ahhh. Home sweet home.
	(A roadblock of Decepticons appear ahead)
	WHEELJACK: Uh-oh.

SIPHER: The federali!

	(Wheeljack raises an opaque defensive shield)

DOUG: (Wheeljack) I can't watch.

	NOT STARSCREAM: Autobots! Stop 'em!
	(Wheeljack skids to a halt. Bumblebee jumps out and fires... in the
		wrong direction.)

ALL: (Wrong way! Over there! To the left! Et cetera.)

	BUMBLEBEE: Prime told me there'd be days like this.
	WHEELJACK: And you didn't believe him?
	BUMBLEBEE: I do now!
	(Air Warrior fires a big ring of fire at the Autobots)

DOUG: FOR THE ROYALTY!

PHIL: I fell down into a burning ring of FAHR...

[Doug's line is a reference to Inferno from Beast Wars.  "You will BURN!"
The second is from the Johnny Cash song "Ring of Fire".  The Man in Black
will be missed.]

	WHEELJACK: We gotta get these energy conductors back to Iacon!

SIPHER: They close at ten and I can't afford the fines!

	WHEELJACK: (deploys little rotating blades) Mind if I cut in?
	(Wheeljack crashes through the group of Decepticons, with Bumblebee
		in vehcile mode right behind)

PHIL: And he picks up the spare.

[Bowling term, when the second ball thrown in a frame knocks all remaining
pins to the ground.]

	DECEPTICON: After them!
	(Not Skywarp and Not Thundercracker transform and pursue the
	Autobots, who zoom into the foreground)

DOUG: (Horse race) Comingdownthestretchit'sAdelaideupfrontfollowedby
	BigWhiteCloudastheybringitintotheturn...

[Doug actually turned this line into a vague reference to musical
parodist/genius Spike Jones' rendition of the "William Tell Overture,"
ending with "...and bringing the rear is BIE-DEL-BAUM."  No one laughed.
Doug felt really old.]

	(The Autobots pass under a glowing green tube)

PHIL: (MST-style Wisconsin radio ad voiceover guy) Tube World. For all your
	tube needs.

	(More frigging chase. The Skyraiders hit Bumblebee and knock off
	one of his tires[?!])

SIPHER: Oh no. My sideways tire. NOW I CAN'T DRIVE.

	WHEELJACK: Bumblebee! Get in, quick!
	(Bumblebee skids into Wheeljack's cargo bay)

ALL: (Peter Gun/Spy Hunter theme) Naaaaaaaaah Nah! Naaaaaaaaah NAH nah!

[In the arcade video game "Spy Hunter", the player drove a Bond-style sports
car and could recharge by driving up the rear loading ramp of a semi truck,
"Knight Rider" style.  The game music was the theme to the 1958 TV spy show
"Peter Gunn."]

	BUMBLEBEE: ...think it's my rear axle.
	WHEELJACK: Well, hang onto your crankshaft...

PHIL: I don't want to know about his crankshaft.

	(Distorted wobbly Skyraiders fire at the Autobots)

SIPHER: Hey, it's Squiggle-Vision!

[Animation style, neat or hard to watch depending on who you ask, used for
shows such as "Dr Katz, Professional Therapist" and "Home Movies."]

	DECEPTICON: They've gone underground! We'll never catch 'em now!

PHIL: In any BIG venues, anyway.

	DECEPTICON: We'd better report back to Megatron.

DOUG: (resigned) Let's lie.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	WHEELJACK: Wheeljack to Iacon.

PHIL: I'm Batman.

[Number 3.]

	(Wheeljack drives past obvious Soundwave, who transforms into...
		Soundwave, who ejects Laserbeak)
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak, prepare for flight. Destination: Iacon.

SIPHER: Squawk! We're already there, schmuck! Squawk!

	(Laserbeak begins spying on the Autobots inside Iacon)
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak...

DOUG: (Soundwave) I changed my mind.

	(Soundwave changes back into a lamppost as Jazz drives past, and
		immediately returns to robot mode)
	SOUNDWAVE: Disclosure: averted.

DOUG: (Soundwave) Hurtification: prevented.

	(Jazz takes an elevator up inside Iacon)

SIPHER: Hi, I was looking for the GoBot Dematerializer?

[The Tonka GoBots Command Center was based around a central elevator and
featured such charming locales as the Cafeteria, the Enemy Reprogrammer and
the GoBot Dematerializer. The Guardians were not screwing around when it
came to fighting evil.]

	OPTIMUS: Any luck, Jazz?
	JAZZ: Negative. The other side of Cybertron's blacker than the inside
		of a drive shaft.

PHIL: *beat* (Jazz) Like me.

[Scatman Carothers, the voice actor for Jazz, was African-American
("black").]

	OPTIMUS: Unless a new supply of energy is found, nobody is going to
		win this war.
	PROWL: When do we start the search mission?

SIPHER: When do you quit NAGGING ME ABOUT THAT?

	(Laserbeak flies back to Soundwave and re-enters his chest. Soundwave
		crouches like he's going to fly away, then flies off in the
		opposite direction)

DOUG: PSYCHE!

	MEGATRON: If there is an energy source to be found, the Decepticons
		must find it first.
	(Soundwave opens the door)

PHIL: KNOCK when I'm with Starscream!

DOUG: You BLUNDERING TAPE-FILLED IDIOT!

[Doug's line is from "When Continents Collide", a truly horrific Transformers
See-n-Read video that the MSTF crew sent up for MSTF 6 in 2003.  It's horrid,
and we'd say you should see it, but we're not THAT cruel.

Wait, we inflicted it on a room full of people.  Maybe we ARE that cruel.]

	MEGATRON: As are we. SHOCKWAVE!
	SHOCKWAVE: What is your command, Megatron?

PHIL: Get me the sports section!

[Purely an inside joke.  In MSTF 5 in 2001, this was one of the crew's
favorite jokes, and Sipher put it in here solely for Phil's amusement.  Sipher
also wrote it in for MSTF 6; apparently, Phil doesn't want to let certain
things go....]

	MEGATRON: ...leave Cybertron to you, Shockwave.
	SHOCKWAVE: Fear not, Megatron. Cybertron shall remain as you leave
		it.

DOUG: (Shockwave) Because I can't get down from here.

[There was no real way to make a joke about this for various reasons, but it
turns out Shockwave was not lying.  Later in the G1 series, we do in fact
find that NOTHING has really changed on Cybertron in four million years, save
Shockwave losing a hand. We don't want to know how.]

	MEGATRON: Now it is only a matter of time before Optimus Prime admits
		defeat.
	STARSCREAM: The Autobots would have lost eons ago if I'D been calling
		the shots.

ALL: For the Autobots.

	MEGATRON: Starscream. Only a select few ever lead.
	STARSCREAM: My time will come, Megatron.
	MEGATRON: Never. NEVER.
	(Megatron leans towards Starscream and Starscream turns away to
		face the camera)

DOUG: (Starscream) Your breath smells like whiskey.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	(The dome containing the Ark retracts in strips)

SIPHER: Venetian blinds - of the future!

[Venetian blinds, if you don't know, are horizontal slats of plastic that
are used in place of shades to control how much light can pass through a
window.]

	JAZZ: All systems go!
	OPTIMUS: (pressing button) Ignition.

SIPHER: Great, you broke it!

	(The Ark's engines fire and it launches)

PHIL: (singing) Ark, the herald angels si-ing...

[The Christmas hymn "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing".  Watch "A Charlie
Brown Christmas", you heathens.]

	(The Nemesis' crew watch the Ark disappear into space)
	SOUNDWAVE: Contact.

DOUG: (Soundwave) I lost a contact.

	MEGATRON: BLAST OFF!

SIPHER: Not until 1986.

[Referring to the Combaticon space shuttle toy.]

	PROWL: Look.
	OPTIMUS: What is it?

PHIL: A persistent rash.

	MIRAGE: There's another one!
	CASEY KASEM: They're going to collide!

SIPHER: (Galvatron) No, they're going to combine into a Duocon!

[From the commercial for the G1 Duocon toys, which featured Cyclonus being
completely horrified that a plane was about to crash into a tank.]

	(The asteroids collide and shower the Ark with debris)

PHIL: Shouldn't they be dead?

	(Ironhide is thrown into a console)

DOUG: My spine!

	IRONHIDE: Leakin' lubricants!

ALL: EYUW.

	OPTIMUS: Hang on, everybody!
	(Aboard the Nemesis)
	SOUNDWAVE: Meteor shower! METEOR SHOWER!

SIPHER: (Dalek) Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!

[The Daleks are the most prominent villains from the British kids' science-
fiction series "Doctor Who."]

	MEGATRON: We're losing our power!
	(Aboard the Ark, Jazz goes flying out of his seat)

PHIL: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

	OPTIMUS: Ironhide, man the laser gun!
	IRONHIDE: Got it!
	OPTIMUS: Fire!

SIPHER: Water! Water BEATS fire!

["Battle Beasts", a Hasbro toy from the 80's, which was a spin on
"Rock/Paper/Scissors".  And, interestingly enough, involved in the
Japanese Transformers continuity.]

	MEGATRON: Follow them! FOLLOW THEM!

PHIL: Weren't you ALREADY following them?

	PROWL: Viewtrex report. We ARE being followed.
	OPTIMUS: Decepticons. (Grabs control stick)

ALL: (speeding car noises)

	SOUNDWAVE: We have been detected.
	MEGATRON: Stay with them!

SIPHER: They offer great long-distance.

[Just a generic long-distance telephone company marketing line.  "If
you're happy with your plan, stay with them." sort of thing.]

	STARSCREAM: Let's just blow them away! They've seen us!
	MEGATRON: No. I want to know what they're after.

PHIL: Let's see... planet's dry of energy... Autobots leave... what do you
	THINK they're after?

DOUG: Plus Laserbeak HEARD them.

	JAZZ: They've made a magnetic junction!

PHIL: (singing) Magnetic junction, what's your func-tion?

["SchoolHouse Rock"'s "Conjunction Junction".  For the actual performance,
Doug sang the line because Phil couldn't recall the tune.  This shames
him to no end.]

	OPTIMUS: Fire the laser!
	IRONHIDE: Nothin'! Power's used up.
	(Aboard the Nemesis)
	MEGATRON: Release the boarding chute!

SIPHER: Aw, chute.

	(Aboard the Ark)
	SIDESWIPE: They're coming aboard!
	OPTIMUS: Prepare for battle!
	(Same scene again with new dialogue)
	OPTIMUS: (Megatron's voice) Attack! ATTACK!

PHIL: EVIL PRIME!

DOUG: They're being attacked by their Mirror Universe selves!

	(Fighting scenes, mostly involving Soundwave)

PHIL: So... everyone versus Soundwave.

	OPTIMUS: What's... happening?
	PROWL: G-forces... dragging us down...

SIPHER: Harshing our... buzz...

	OPTIMUS: We're out of control!

DOUG/SIPHER: We are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

[From the very early "Saturday Night Live" skit featuring Steve Martin and
Dan Ackroyd.]

	(The Ark and Nemesis spin crazily, disengage and plunge towards
		Earth. The Ark zooms into a distant mountain.)

ALL: (singing) Ain't no mountain hiiiiiigh en- oh.

[From the song "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", by Marvin Gaye and covered
by a lot of different artists, including The Temptations and most recently
in MCI commercials by former "Doobie Brother" Michael McDonald.]

	(Commercial break)
	(Mt. St. Hilary changes as time goes by)

PHIL: Dramatization.

	(The mountain erupts)

SIPHER: Operation: Volcano.

[Operation: Volcano is the Autobot plan to trap a bunch of Decepticons from
the UK story "Target: 2006".]

	(Inside the Ark, the Transformers lie deactivated. The camera pans
		across scattered bodies, including Brawn)

DOUG: Huh. Brawn is dead.

[One of the classic arguments on alt.toys.transformers was  "Brawn is
dead!" vs. "Brawn is alive!".  Did Brawn die in "Transformers: The
Movie"?]

[The correct answer is, of course, no.]

	(Teletraan-1 deploys the Sky Spy)
	SKY SPY: Explore! Explore!

PHIL: Clip! Clip!

DOUG: Save! Save!

SIPHER: (Dalek) Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!

[Phil's and Doug's lines are referring to instructions you see printed
with coupons in the newspaper:  "Clip and Save!".  The Daleks are, again,
from "Doctor Who."]

	(The Sky Spy scans an F-15)
	SKY SPY: Repair! Repair!

PHIL: TIDAL WAVE! TIDAL WAVE!

[In "Transformers: Armada", all it seemed the Decepticon character Tidal
Wave could say was "Tidal Wave!".  He'd keep repeating it in his low,
grumbly voice.]

	(The Ark begins repairing Skywarp, attaching parts including his
		forearm)

DOUG: Man, even the REAL Skywarp's fists come off and get lost.

[Referring to the how the G1 toy required the fists to be items that
had to be attached or taken off during transformation.]

	(Skywarp drags Megatron into the repair beam)
	SKYWARP: Megatron, my leader.

PHIL: (Skywarp) With this, I shall make you my slave.

[The delivery of Skywarp's line is quite similar to Galvatron's line
"Unicron, my master -- with this, I shall make you my slave." from
"Transformers: The Movie".]

	MEGATRON: Quickly! We must revive the other Decepticons.
	(Montage of repair)

ALL: (I never liked him. Who's this guy? Do you recognize any of these
	people? Et cetera)

	(The Decepticons leave the Ark)

SIPHER: Decepticons! RETREAT!

	MEGATRON: Much time has passed, and we are on a planet far from
		Cybertron. But our mission has not changed.

PHIL: Sell toys!

[Well, DUH.  Again.]

	SKYWARP: How do we even know Cybertron still exists?
	MEGATRON: It MUST exist.

DOUG: Who could argue with that?

	MEGATRON: And this land is full of resources.

PHIL: And delicious noughat.

[We like the word "nougat".  Even if we can't spell it.]

	MEGATRON: ...and conquer the universe.
	(Starscream fires on the Ark)
	MEGATRON: Starscream!
	STARSCREAM: I'm just saying goodbye!

DOUG: I'm so bad with words.

	MEGATRON: The Autobots have taken their... last flight.
	STARSCREAM: Thanks for the ride, Prime. Too bad you can't go the
		rest of the way.

SIPHER: Starscream's been talking to Elita.

[Man, we're just mean to Prime's girlfriend, aren't we?]

	SKY SPY: Explore! Explore!

PHIL: Pizza! Pizza!

[The motto of the Little Caesar's pizza chain.]

	SKY SPY: Repair! Repair!

DOUG: Dance Dance.

["Dance Dance Revolution", an arcade game that requires the player to
dance in time to the rhythm and directions on the screen.  DDR
tournaments are quite popular and provide the gamer a good workout.
Seriously.]

	(Optimus is repaired, and transforms from his new truck mode)
	OPTIMUS: Thanks!
	(Flippy symbol transition)
	MEGATRON: We'll set up here. Those rocks will serve as our base of
		operations.

SIPHER: As soon as we carve a giant Decepticon symbol into them.

[In the G1 episode "Enter the Nightbird", the Decepticons cleverly hide their
temporary base of operations in a mountain -- and then carve a GIGANTIC
DECEPTICON SYMBOL on it.  Yeah.  Quite inconspicuous there, Megs.]

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare plans for a new space cruiser!
		Starscream!

PHIL: You're a puss!

	STARSCREAM: What about materials?
	MEGATRON: Use your imagination.

DOUG: They're going to build a base out of imagination?

SIPHER: Are they the Care Bears?

[Not really a direct Care Bears reference.  Imagination was just one of the
general "feel-good" qualities '80s young children's entertainment was fond
of. Teddy Ruxpin or Figment (from the EPCOT Center ride) might have been a
more appropriate reference, but oh well.  The Care Bears are funny.]

	STARSCREAM: Great. I'll need some help.
	SOUNDWAVE: (ejects Rumble) Rumble, activate piledrivers. Operation:
		destruction.

PHIL: Oh, I was thinking the piledrivers were for Operation Knit A Sweater.

	STARSCREAM: Let's DO it!
	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	OPTIMUS: This planet is rich with sources of energy. But the
		Decepticons must know this, too.
	(Cliffjumper is miscolored yellow)

SIPHER: Hey, there's Hubcap!

[Hubcap was an unused yellow G1 Mini-Bot car that was of similar shape to
Cliffjumper.  He never appeared in the cartoon.

Or did he?

No, he didn't.]

	OPTIMUS: So we must find them and stop them. Hound?

DOUG: I'm Batman.

[Number 4.]

	OPTIMUS: Scout the area. See if you can locate the Decepticons.
	HOUND: Just turn me loose, Prime. I'll sniff 'em out.
	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm goin' too! I'm gonna boot some Decepticon right in
		his turbocharger.
	OPTIMUS: Easy, Cliffjumper.

PHIL: (Cliffjumper) Your mom's easy.

[An in-joke for the #wiigii! crew.  Phil didn't say the whole thing, cause
he felt it was a bit too inappropriate for a family show.  Which is odd,
considering some of the other stuff we've said (remember those Elita
jokes?)...]

	OPTIMUS: We'll deal with them later.

SIPHER: Once they have more energy.

	OPTIMUS: Good luck.

DOUG: (Optimus) You poor, doomed sons of-

	(scene change)
	STARSCREAM: Someday I'LL be giving the orders, Rumble. You'll do
		what I say.

SIPHER: (singing) Robots obey what the children say.

[A line from "Robot Parade", by They Might Be Giants.]

	RUMBLE: He can't be beaten. And you'll never be our leader.
	STARSCREAM: I will find a way. Everyone has a weakness.

PHIL: Except in Dreamwave's More Than Meets The Eye.

[It seems that every Transformer listed in Dreamwave's "More Than Meets
The Eye" profile comics had the line "{Character Name} has no known
weaknesses."]

	STARSCREAM: We shall see. Now! Shake things up a little!
	(Rumble creates an earthquake and a power station collapses)

DOUG: Aw, you WRECKED it!

[Referencing the Norm MacDonald movie "Dirty Work"]

	STARSCREAM: I'm impressed.
	(Scene change)
	HOUND: Sure is a lot different than Cybertron out here!
	CLIFFJUMPER: Don't fall in love with it, Hound.

PHIL: It belongs to Bad Man Jose.

[Bad Man Jose is the antagonist in the song "Come A Little Bit Closer", by
Jay and the Americans. The singer/narrator falls in love with a woman he
knows is Jose's girl, and reaps the consequences of his poor judgement.]

	HOUND: Smell something, Cliffjumper?
	CLIFFJUMPER: No...

SIPHER: (Hound) Want to?

	HOUND: I think we just found our Decepticons...I was right!
	(Long shot of construction site. Sideswipe is standing next to
		Megatron)

DOUG: There's Megatron's buddy Side...swipe?

	HOUND: Ease off your throttle, Cliffjumper. Remember what Prime said.

SIPHER: He said "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang".

[From the song "Witch Doctor" by Dave Seville with Alvin and the Chipmunks.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: What're they doin'?
	HOUND: Let's find out.

DOUG: (Mr Owl) One...two-hoo!...three.

[The Tootsie-Pop commercials.  "Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to
get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie-Pop?"  "Let's find out!  One...
two-hoo!... three..." *CRUNCH* "Three."]

	MEGATRON: ...and steal its precious resources.
	SOUNDWAVE: We can concentrate the energy into Energon cubes and
		store them in the new space cruiser.
	MEGATRON: (laughs inappropriately)

PHIL: (Megatron) I just remembered last night's Will And Grace.

	MEGATRON: ...the Autobots have sealed their own doom.
	(Cliffjumper whips out a HUGE cannon)

SIPHER: Where do you KEEP that gun, Cliffjumper?

PHIL: None of your damn business, Hound.

[A reference to a recurring gag from Stever Purcell's "Sam & Max: Freelance
Police" comics.  Max (a rabbit who wears no clothes) whips out a pistol.  Sam
(a six-foot dog who does wear clothes) makes the query and gets that reply.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm got Megatron dead-center in my viewfinder...
	(Cliffjumper fires... and misses)

DOUG: "Dead-center" is Cybertronix for "to the right".

	DECEPTICON?: Who could be firing on us?
	DECEPTICON?: Who even knows we're here?

SIPHER: SHAFT!

DOUG: You're damn right.

[Lines from Isaac's Hayes theme to the 1970's movie "Shaft".]

	MEGATRON: Impossible!
	STARSCREAM: They're the only ones!

PHIL: Who know the Colonel's secret recipe!

[The Colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) said the reason his chicken
tasted so good was his secret recipe of 11 secret herbs and spices.]

	MEGATRON: Send Laserbeak to investigate!
	SOUNDWAVE: Laserbeak, prepare for flight. Course heading: northeast.
	(When Soundwave's chest door opens, there's no space behind it)

SIPHER: Wait, is Laserbeak two-dimensional? How does he even fit in there?

	(Laserbeak takes off to the sound of a Star Trek door noise)

DOUG: (Kirk) Captain's log.

[Another Captain Kirk from "Star Trek" reference.]

	HOUND: Now you've done it!
	CLIFFJUMPER: Let's burn rubber!
	(Cliffjumper and Hound transform to vehicle mode and drive off. View
		of the road, with Hound, through Cliffjumper's windshield)
	CLIFFJUMPER: What is that thing up there?

PHIL: (Hound) That's me.

	HOUND: ...but we can't seem to shake it.
	CLIFFJUMPER: Let's split up! It can't follow both of us!
	(Laserbeak launches one of his laser cannons)

SIPHER: My Laserbeak toy could do that.

DOUG: Really?

SIPHER: Yeah. Well... once.

[As with many G1 toys, Laserbeak and his mold-buddy Buzzsaw have notoriously
fragile parts.  In this instance, the barrels for their back-cannons snapped
off easilly, being thin chromed plastic.]

	HOUND: Accelerator down! Eat my dust, birdbrain!
	(Back to Cliffjumper)
	CLIFFJUMPER: You couldn't hit an Auto-butt with a moonbeam!

PHIL: An AUTO-BUTT with a MOONBEAM?!

	CLIFFJUMPER: Try this! It's a GAS!

DOUG: Cliffjumpin' Jack Flash?

[Riffing on the Rolling Stones song "Jumpin' Jack Flash."  The chorus
includes "Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas-gas-gas!"]

	HOUND: You don't give up, do you?
	(Hound gets blasted by Laserbeak, and plunges a off a cliff)
	HOUND: HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

SIPHER: (Slim Pickens) YEEEEEE-HOOOOOO!

[Quoting Pickens' whoop from the penultimate scene in Stanley Kubrick's "Dr.
Strangelove", in which Pickens rides a missile like it was a bull, all the
way from the bomb bay to the ground.]

	(Commercial break)
	(Cliffjumper, Ratchet and [Load]Hauler arrive on the clifftop. Cliff
		and Ratchet	transform, and Ratchet's "sled" appears alongside
		his robot mode.)

SIPHER: MARB!

[Abbreviation for "Mobile Autobot Repair Bay," the comics-official term for
the "sled" half of the Ironhide and Ratchet toys that formed most of the upper
half of their van modes.  This may be the only time it showed up in the TV
series.

Graham further states that the MARB-as-shown in the comics looks nothing
like Ratchet's sled. It's just sort of semi-randomly been applied to the
toy's sled because there's nothing else to call it.]

	RATCHET: Where'd they get you?
	(Hound communicates via a blinking red light)

PHIL: (HAL) I'm sorry, Ratchet. I can't do that.

[In "2001: A Space Odyssey", the computer HAL 9000 had a red blinking light.]

	RATCHET: Can you transform?
	HOUND: I... I don't think so.

DOUG: (Hound) Can YOU make holograms?

	CLIFFJUMPER: I'm sorry, Hound. It's my fault. I shouldn't have
		fired on Megatron.

PHIL: AND you shouldn't have let Sparkle join in the fight. You should have
	known that yourself.

[The Japanese TF series "Headmasters" was dubbed into English for viewing on
Singapore's Stars TV.  The episode this line refers to was called "I Give My
Life for Planet Earth" in Japan.  The translated title was "Life Can Be
Sacrificed for Peace on Earth".  Sparkle is actually Spike.  That should
show you the quality of the translation.]

	CLIFFJUMPER: Hauler! Pull him up!

SIPHER: And then go back to Japan where you came from!

[The LoadHauler toy was released a few years ago as a special Japanese-only
Generation 1 repro toy.]

	(Scene change. Thundercracker and the Reflector trio are standing on
		top of a cliff.)
	REFLECTORS: I can't believe the Autobots survived.
	THUNDERCRACKER: Neither could Megatron.

DOUG: Captain CAAAAAAAAAVE-MAAAAAAAAAAAN!

[This was included because Graham thought John Stephenson, who was the voice
actor for Thundercracker, also portrayed Captain Caveman, the world's first
superhero, from the 70's ABC cartoon.  This was his signature phrase.  In
fact, Mel Blanc voiced Captain Caveman, so Doug substituted a
"FLINTSTOOOONE!" yell from Mr. Slate, another Stephenson character.]

	THUNDERCRACKER: Hey. What's that?
	(Reflectors look)

PHIL: Made you look.

	REFLECTORS: Let's find out.

DOUG: (Mr Owl) One...two-hoo-

PHIL/SIPHER: No.

[Repeating the joke above.]

	THUNDERCRACKER: Let's see what you can see.
	(Thundercracker takes a picture with camera-mode Reflector. A
		Polaroid print pops out from underneath him.)

SIPHER: So this entire show was just an elaborate Polaroid commercial?

[Polaroid cameras were once popular cameras that produced a picture
that developed within a few minutes.  In today's age of digital cameras,
Polaroids aren't all that common anymore.]

	(At the construction site, Soundwave's forehead flashes)
	THUNDERCRACKER (voice): Thundercracker to Soundwave. Thundercracker
		to Soundwave.

DOUG: (Soundwave, freaking out) GEEEET OOUUUT OOOF MYY HEEEEAAAAAAAD!

	THUNDERCRACKER: Alien vehicle approaching. Possible Autobot.
	MEGATRON: Release Ravage.

SIPHER: WELEASE WAVAGE!

[From Monty Python's "The Life of Brian".  In this movie, Pontius Pilate
couldn't say "R".  "Whom would you have me welease?"  "Roger."  "Welease
Woger!"  /laughter/ "We have no 'Woger', sir." .... "Welease Woderick!"
And so on.]

	(The humans in the van pull up to the destroyed power station and
		get out.)

PHIL: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!

[In "Star Wars: A New Hope" (the 1977 "Star Wars" movie), Luke Skywalker
drives up to his home which has been burned by Stormtroopers.  He calls for
his aunt and uncle who unfortunately were killed by the troops.  The scene
here resembles it in such that we have people drive up to a burning building.]

	JOE: I...I don't like it.
	NOT JOE: Somethin's wrong...real wrong.
	(Ravage jumps them)
	JOE: Look out!
	(The two manage to escape from Ravage and drive off in the van.
	Ravage watches them go. Closeup on his face.)

DOUG: (BW Ravage, sad) I can't do anything right.

[In "The Agenda" from Beast Wars, Ravage has been rebuilt as a Predacon
and given a Russian-esque accent.]

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	HOUND: And that's all we heard, Prime.
	(Hound is on a table with a laser between his legs)

SIPHER: No, Mr Hound, I expect you to die!

[A famous scene from the James Bond movie "Goldfinger", in which Bond is
strapped to a table.  A laser is slowly moving up between his legs.  Bond
asks, "Do you expect me to talk?"  And Goldfinger responds, "No, Mr.
Bond -- I expect you to *die*!"]

	OPTIMUS: Jazz, organize a battle unit. We're going after them.
	(Scene change)
	JAZZ: Prowl!
	(Prowl and Cliffjumper transform)

PHIL: Cliffjumper, is your name Prowl?

	(Each Autobot transforms as Jazz calls their name)
	JAZZ: Trailbreaker! Wheeljack! Ironhide, Mirage, Sunstreaker!

DOUG: Now Comet! Now Cupid! Now Donner and Blitzen!

[Four of Santa's eight reindeer mentioned in the famous poem "Twas the
Night Before Christmas".]

	JAZZ: Ready, Prime.

SIPHER: (Optimus) Thanks, Jazz. I'm lazy and don't have a mouth.

	(The Autobots roll out, and it's pretty much all of them)

PHIL: It must have been pretty tough to pick the members of that battle
	unit that has all of the Autobots in it.

	(Flippy-symbol transition)
	(Laserbeak soars past the camera, spiraling in towards the Decepticon
		construction site)

PHIL: Jane, stop this crazy thing!

[Tag line from the closing credits of the Hanna-Barbera show "The Jetsons,"
Hanna-Barbara's 1960's cartoon about the family of the future.]

	SOUNDWAVE: Megatron...

DOUG: (Soundwave) I'm Batman.

[Number 5]

	SOUNDWAVE: He has found a source of energy.

SIPHER: A sauce of energy?

	(Scene change)
	MEGATRON (voice): EXCELLENT!

ALL: (Bill and Ted) EXCELLENT! (guitar riff)

[The 1986 movie "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure".]

	SPARKPLUG: Give me a hand, Spike!

ALL: (applause)

[Oh, like you haven't made the same joke yourself.]

	SPIKE: Right, Dad! I'll get the bailer!

PHIL: Aren't there child labor laws?

DOUG: They're in international waters.

	MEGATRON: Dive! DIVE!

SIPHER: (Megatron) Is my favorite GoBot!

["Dive Dive" was a Tonka GoBot from the 1980's.   He turned into -- what
else -- a submarine.]

	SPARKPLUG: Look! Up there!
	(Megatron lands)

DOUG: Well, down there now.

	SPARKPLUG: What is it?

SIPHER: (Megatron) I'm Batman.

[Number 6]

	SPIKE: What are they?

PHIL/DOUG: We're Batman.

[Number 7]

	(The workers throw tools at the Decepticons)
	GUY: Everybody, come on!

DOUG: Get funky!

	OTHER GUY: C'mon! [Note: The performance of this line was hilarious
		to me at ~3am last night]
	(Megatron casually tosses a pipe at the humans, who fall off the rig)

PHIL: And the Russian judge gives them a 4.3.

[Referring to a suspicion that in the 70's and 80's, the Russian judges at
the Olympics would purposely give the Americans low scores.]

	(Rumble grabs Sparkplug)
	SPIKE: Stop! Leggo my dad!

SIPHER: And my Eggo!

["Leggo my Eggo!" was the advertising slogan for Kellogg's Eggo waffles
for many years.]

	(Spike hits Rumble, who knocks him over offscreen. Sparkplug kicks
		Rumble offscreen in the same direction)

DOUG: (Spike) Ow, Dad, that was me!

	SPARKPLUG: SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!
	MEGATRON: Starscream! Activate the null ray! NOW!

PHIL: "The" null ray?

SIPHER: Did Starscream lose an arm?

[Starscream's arm-mounted guns are called null rays.  If there's only one,
as evidenced by "the", did Starscream lose an arm?]

	(Starscream "activates the null ray". It's really unimpressive.)
	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare the Energon cubes!
	(The Decepticons fill the Energon cubes with a brown fluid)

PHIL: The secret of Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

[The Easter chocolate candy eggs filled with creamy nougat.]

	STARSCREAM: We did it! We did it, Megatron! The energy is ours! We
		can go back to Cybertron now!
	MEGATRON: You FOOL, Starscream.
	(Starscream looks around)

DOUG: (Starscream) What? Huh? Who? Me?

	MEGATRON: We must suck this planet Earth dry!
	STARSCREAM: It's the Autobots!
	(The Autobots fly in in formation)

PHIL: Dude, when we win, we're gonna have to forget this flying thing. It's
	too easy.

[Other than in "More than Meets the Eye", the only time Autobots are able
to fly in G1 Seasons 1 and 2 is when they strap jetpacks on.]

	MEGATRON: (transforming) Decepticons, transform! TRANSFORM!
	(They don't)

ALL: NO! DO IT YOURSELF!

	(The Autobots land and battle commences)
	MEGATRON: Don't interfere, Prime!
	OPTIMUS: Give it up, Megatron!

SIPHER: Your mom gave it up.

[Another one.]

	MEGATRON: The universe... is mine!
	(Wheeljack and Rumble have an extremely choreographed shootout)

PHIL: Shoot/duck. Wait. Shoot/duck.

	(Ironhide and Starscream fight with poles)

DOUG: (Daffy Duck) Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!

[From the classic Warner Brothers "Looney Tunes" short featuring Daffy
Duck as Robin Hood.]

	(Skywarp and Reflector pick up Energon cubes)

SIPHER: You need to learn to lift with your legs.

[You can hurt your back if you don't lift items with your legs, keeping
your back perpendicular to the ground.]

	(Laserbeak attacks Prime during his fight with Megatron)

PHIL: Prime's liver grows back every day.

[In Greek mythology, the demigod Prometheus stole fire from his father,
Zeus, and delivered it to man.  As his punishment, he was chained to the
side of a mountain.  Every day, an eagle comes to eat his liver, but
being an immortal, his liver grows back every night.  This is his eternal
torture.  Anyway, Laserbeak looks like he's attacking Prime's liver.

Wow, three Greek mythology references in one performance.  And some say
we aren't highbrow and educational.]

	MEGATRON: So long, Prime! Have a nice swim!
	(Megatron blasts the rig)

DOUG: (Optimus) But I'm not going swimaaaaaaaaaah!

	(The Autobots all fall off into the ocean)

SIPHER: They all forgot their happy thoughts.

[In "Peter Pan", one can fly by concentrating on a happy thought.]

	MEGATRON: Here's something to keep you warm!
	(Megatron blasts the storage tanks, setting the area ablaze, and
		flies away laughing with the rest of the Decepticons)
	SPARKPLUG: Help! Help! We can't get out!
	SPIKE: Somebody save us!

PHIL: Spike looks really happy to be drowning.

	SPARKPLUG: The fire! It's coming closer!
	OPTIMUS: I can't lift it...it's too heavy!

SIPHER: (Yoda) THAT is why you fail.

[From "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back", Luke complains to Yoda that he
can't use the Force to lift his X-Wing out of the swamp because it's too
heavy.  After Yoda is able to do so, Luke comments, "I didn't believe it
could be done!"  "That is why you fail," Yoda sagely replies.]

	OPTIMUS: Keep your heads above water!

DOUG: (Casey Kasem) And keep reaching for the stars!

[Casey's full sign-off is "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching
for the stars!"]

	(Tommy segment)
	OPTIMUS (vo): The Autobots become friends with the humans.
	SPARKPLUG: I don't know who you are, but you saved our lives!

PHIL: We're Batman.

[Number 8.]

	OPTIMUS: We are the only ones who can stop the Decepticons.
	SPARKPLUG: But my son Spike and I know more about Earth than you do.
	OPTIMUS: Hmm, maybe you can help us...

DOUG: (Prime) We need to move our couch on Saturday.

	(Rumble uses his pile drivers. The dam walls crack)
	WORKER: The river's risin'!

PHIL: So is my urge to kill.

[Pseudo-reference to "The Simpsons'" "Treehouse of Horror" spoof of Stanley
Kubrick's "The Shining".  Homer, driven mad by lack of beer and TV, ends the
episode with the line "Urge to kill... RISING..."]

	MEGATRON: I will build the ultimate weapon to defeat the Autobots -
		to control the planet - to conquer the Universe! (Laughs)
	TOMMY: Prime, I want to hear about it and everything, but now I've
		got to go!

SIPHER: (Tommy) Can you transform into a bathroom?

	TOMMY: It is. And I'll tell you all about it as soon as I can. Now
		I've really got to get back to Autobot City!
	OPTIMUS: Would you like a ride?

DOUG: (Prime) I've got candy.

	(Tommy backflips onto Prime's shoulder and holds on to where Prime's
		"ear" would be.)

SIPHER: (Prime) Hold me tighter, Tommy.

	(Prime's jets fire, and they blast off into space, where a very
		animatronic Prime and Tommy can be seen.)

PHIL: How can Tommy survive in the vacuum of space?

DOUG: Let's hope he can't.

	(fade to black)

===========================================================================
BUMPER FOUR : WE ARE YOUR MASTERS
     Music - "StrongBad Techno" -- Homestarrunner.com
===========================================================================

	We apologize for the Tommy Kennedy/Optimus
	Prime video.


	After 15 years, the video has degraded some.
	We also had to do some major audio repair work
	on Part 1.



	What did you think we were going to
	apologize for?


	We have no regrets showing you this.



	We are your MASTERS.  Bow down to us.
	Throw us money.



	Paper money.  Coins hurt.

	[mstf]


OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

(Pause tape, house lights up)

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