MSTF 7: Generation Why?
The Annotated Script

Episode Three

===========================================================================
BUMPER FIVE : RIGOROUS EVALUATION FOR QUALITY CONTROL
     Music - "We Are the Bonnes" -- Mega Man Legends
===========================================================================

	Okay.


	We just want to apologize to Hasbro for that
	last skit.


	There's a lot of stuff to okay for these shows,
	and there are a lot of bigger licenses for the
	TF team to deal with.

	We understand.



	Besides, look at it this way:

	At least you know having to face this rigorous
	evaluation process means you can expect a
	certain level of quality out of the stuff that
	DOES get approved.


	[tfu side burn]

[The Side Burn redeco for the "Transformers: Universe" line is pretty
half-assed, to the point of quarter-assed. No plastic colors were changed
from the previous retail version of the mold; the car body was just given
new paint applications to make it look like a "ricer" custom job complete
with mismatched bumpers.

The reason we chose TFU Side Burn as opposed to TFU Prowl (both Wal*Mart
exclusives) is that Side Burn has a bunch of his package copy lifted
directly from the Alternators...including totally untrue things like
"Movable seats and detailed interior!" and "Engine becomes a weapon!"]

***************************************************************************
EPISODE THREE : MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE PART 2
***************************************************************************

	(The scene is a somewhat desolate area; rocks are the only things
		around. Tommy runs into view.)
	TOMMY: Optimus!

PHIL: (Tommy) Why do we always meet in the hellish wastelands?

	(Scene of Animatronic Prime landing, wind blowing from his rocket
		jets. Prime extends his hand for Tommy to climb on.)
	(A very blue-screened Tommy on the hand is lifted in front of the
		Optimus model.)
	OPTIMUS: Still working on that special school project?

SIPHER: I figured Tommy went to a "special" school.

	OPTIMUS: Let's get to it, then. Where was I?

DOUG: Probably not your "happy place".

	TOMMY (vo): You told me about how Cybertron was almost out of
		energy. So the Autobots went into outer space looking for more.
		But the Decepticons attacked and caused you guys to crash-land
		on Earth!
	OPTIMUS (vo): Luckily, the ship's computer repaired us all, using
		Earth planes and cars as the blueprint.

PHIL: You would have been luckier if it hadn't repaired the Decepticons.

	TOMMY (vo): But the Decepticons were still as eeevil as ever.
	OPTIMUS (vo): That's right. And they were determined to plunder
		the Earth for its energy, no matter what the cost to human
		life.

DOUG: What's in YOUR wallet?

[Slogan of the Capital One credit card commercials.  See?  "Cost to human
life"?  Credit cards?

Phil apologizes for this joke.]

	(Megatron fires on the oil rig.)
	MEGATRON: (laughs)
	TOMMY (vo): It's a good thing you Autobots showed up.

PHIL (as Tommy): But what the hell's with you guys flying?

	SPIKE: Help!
	(Fade in. Huffer is trapped in some twisted wreckage. His arm is
		twitching... but through the girders, there is no shoulder
		visible, just blank space between arm and torso)
	HUFFER: My arm! It's jammed in here, I can't get it out!

PHIL: And it's not connected to my torso!

DOUG: Art by Pat Lee.

[He may have helped us get new Transformers comics, but man, Pat Lee
sure doesn't know jack about proportions and perspective....]

	(Brawn swims up, and his hand retracts to reveal a cutting torch)
	HUFFER: There's two things I really hate, Brawn!
	BRAWN: What are they?

SIPHER: You and that torch!

	HUFFER: Thanks, Brawn!
	BRAWN: (In Huffer's voise) Let's take off!

DOUG: And change larynxes!

	(Optimus is still trying to life the gridred above Spike and
		Sparkplug)
	OPTIMUS: Trailbreaker!

PHIL: I'm Batman!

[Number 9.]

	OPTIMUS: Activate your force shield, and take a shot at that fire!
	(Wheeljack steps up)
	WHEELJACK: I'll give him a hand!

SIPHER: (Trailbreaker) Hey, screw off, you got your screen time last
	episode!

	(Trailbreaker flies around, shooting a "force field" at the fire,
		which Wheeljack then puts out with flame-retardant foam from
		his retracted hand.)

SIPHER: Yeah, Trailbreaker, that force field sure saved the day. Sheesh.

	(Back to Prime, where Spiek and Sparkplug swim onto his shoulders
		while he's still trying to lift the girders)

DOUG: (As the humans swim) Oh, yeah, they were REALLY trapped there. Quit
	showing off, Prime.

	JAZZ: CATCH!
	(Jazz retracts his hand as replaces it with a tow-cable. He hurls the
		grapnel end, which Prime catches, and starts to reel him in.)

PHIL: Wow, he wasn't even using the right bait for Primes!

SIPHER: (Northern fisherman voice) Pork rind'll getcha th' big jacks.

DOUG: (same) Oh yah.

	SPARKPLUG: I don't know who you are, but you saved our lives!
	OPTIMUS: We're Autobots. We're from Cybertron, a planet far from
		Earth.

SIPHER: You know where Alpha Centauri is? Take a left.

[This line was actually lifted directly from 80's puppet sitcom-star now
long-distance-shill Alf, when he appeared on Hollywood Squares.  A child in
the audience wanted to know where planet Melmac was; that was the reply.

Scary what the mind retains.]

	OPTIMUS: Those who tried to harm you are called Decepticons. We must
		stop them before they destroy your world!
	SPIKE: Can we help?
	OPTIMUS: We are the only ones who can stop the Decepticons.

DOUG: (Prime) We are the only ones who have this rubsign.

[Back in 1985, other toys that could transform were put on the market.  To
make sure kids only got official Transformers toys, Hasbro put little
rubsign stickers on the toys.  These were heat-sensitive and displayed
either an Autobot or Decepticon symbol when you rubbed them with your
finger.  This line is a take-off of the commercial promoting these new
stickers.]

	OPTIMUS: Hmm, maybe you can help us...
	(sigil transition)
	(Back at the Autobot HQ...)
	SPIKE: (vo) The Autobots are a highly-advanced form of robot.

SIPHER: Their brains take up a WHOLE FIVE-AND-A-QUARTER FLOPPY DISK.

[Referring to the Marvel G1#24 comic, in which Prime dies, but human Ethan
Zachary saves Prime's mind to computer file -- on a 5.25" disk.  Even
double-sided, double density 5.25" disks could only hold a maximum
of 1.2 MEGAbytes of information.  That's not a lot, people.]

	(Spike is writing in a diary on the rocks)
	SPIKE: ... but they can think, and have real feelings.
	(He pauses and looks to the sky)

PHIL: I think Optimus really likes me. He's so dreamy.

	(Close-up of Soundwave watching Spike from behind a rock.)

DOUG: (Soundwave) Wow, he's cute.

[Sipher thinks this year's presentation probably has the highest amount of
homoerotic jokes ever. He's not apologizing, just pointing this out.]

	(Spike puts away his diary, and starts down the mountain. Soundwave
		transforms and shrinks into tape-deck mode, and Spike suddenly
		crosses many many yards to be in-frame)

SIPHER: Man, he's fast!

	(Spike stares stupidly at Soundwave and picks him up)
	SPIKE: Wonder who left this here?

DOUG: And why's it got a Decepticon symbol on it?

	(Spike runs into Autobot HQ)

ALL: (idiot blithering)

SIPHER: (idiot voice) Ooo, something shiny!

	SPIKE: Hey, tell me more about Cybertron!
	TRAILBREAKER: What do you like to know?

PHIL: There any cool bars?

	SPIKE: Why do transform into cars and things?
	(Close-up of Soundwave recording)

SIPHER: NO! Soundwave's going to find out WHY THEY TRANSFORM!!!

	SPIKE: Yeah, but... how do you DO it?

ALL: (embarrased coughs)

	(Outside, in a little bunker by the HQ. Ratchet is working on
		Huffer's left arm... even though his right arm was trapped
		earlier.)

PHIL: WRONG ARM DOC ARRRRRGH...

	(Trailbreaker, Mirage and Hound are standing around inside)
	TRAILBREAKER: Spike here wants to know how we transform, Hound!
	HOUND: Easy! Liek this!
	(He transforms to jeep mode)

DOUG: Through lousy animation!

	HOUND: Now watch this!
	(A holographic human appears in Hound's driver's seat)
	SPIKE: Who's he?

SIPHER: He'll be taking your place. When you're GONE.

	TRAILBREAKER: He's a hologram!
	SPIKE: (laughs) What other tricks can you do?
	MIRAGE: Try this one, Spike! Now you see me...
	(Mirage vanishes)
	MIRAGE: Now you don't!

PHIL: That's NOT Mirage's power!

[According to his tech specs, Mirage's power was actually to displace his
image, making him appear to be some distance away from his actual position.
Invisibility was never mentioned.  Well, not the first or last time the
'toon and specs differed.]

	(Mirage reappears across the room)
	MIRAGE: Over here!
	SPIKE: Disappearing! That's the best disguise of all!
	HOUND: Hop in, Spike!

DOUG: I have caaaaandy...

[Remember what we said about homoerotic jokes?  And Phil still thinks this is
a "family show"....]

	(As Hound drives off, pans back to the main HQ. Soundwave transforms
		back to robot mode, flexing oddly)

SIPHER: (Hanz & Franz) I shall pahmp yoo ahp.

[From "Saturday Night Live", the Kevin Nealon-Dana Carvey series of sketches
parodying Arnold Schwarzenegger.]

	(Soundwave releases Ravage)
	SOUNDWAVE: Ravage. Enter Teletraan-1. Acquire knowledge of Earth's
		resources.
	(Ravage re-transforms and plugs into Teletraan-1. Various pictures
		pop up on a veiwscreen of power plants and the like.)

PHIL: Teletraan-1's a Viewmaster?

[A Viewmaster is a little toy that uses small cardboard discs (approximately
6 inches in diameter) with little pictures imprinted on plastic.  Putting
the toy up to ones eyes allows a 3D image to be seen.  Click the lever on the
side to make the disc spin so a new picture can be seen.  Teletraan-1 shows
different pictures like a Viewmaster lever is being pushed every second.]

	(Soundwave transforms back to recorder mode)

SIPHER: Autobot security SUCKS.

	(Back ouside)
	HOUND: Sure is pretty out here, Spike! Earth must be a nice place to
		live!
	SPIKE: It's okay, but tell me more about Cybertron!
	HOUND: Before the war with the Decepticons,

DOUG: It sucked!

	SPIKE: You miss it?
	HOUND: Sometimes. Hold tight!
	(Hound starts ramping sand dunes)

PHIL: Take THAT, fragile desert ecosystem!

[During the performance, Phil had problems saying this line.  As close as we
can guess, what Phil actually said was, "Take, THAT, frasil deg - frag -- ah,
crap, I screwed that up...."]

	(Later, back at Autobot HQ)
	SPIKE: Hey, what's going on here?
	(Soundwave transforms)
	SPIKE: Wh- who are you?!

SIPHER: (Soundwave) I'm Batman.

[Number 10.]

	(Soundwave swipes at Spike, but the human ducks and runs, slapping an
		alarm button on the wall. Soundwave starts running.)
	SOUNDWAVE: Ravage! Eject! Eject!

PHIL: Bail out, Maverick!

[Referencing the 1986 movie "Top Gun".]

	(Ravage ejects and transforms to kitty mode, hightailing it behind
		Soundwave.)
	OPTIMUS: A Decepticon!

DOUG: Oh yeah, our base! Maybe we should have been watching it or
	something!

	(Bumblebee and Brawn corner Ravage. Soundwave runs off without.
		Ravage slips out from Bumblebee's grip.)

SIPHER: And I will call him Geo-HEY!

[A sidelong reference to the "Looney Tunes" short featuring the Abominable
Snowman.  He catches Bugs Bunny and says, "Oh boy a pet of my very own! I
will love him and I will hug him and I will squeeze him and I will call
him 'George'!"]

	(Ravege runs up a cliff, with Prime in hot pursuit. Sideswipe and
		Jazz line up, then speak in not their own voices.)
	NOT SIDESWIPE: There he is!
	NOT JAZZ: Fire!

PHIL: Get Optimus Prime!

	(Ravage slips into a shadowy crevasse)
	RANDOM AUTOBOT: It's too dark! Can't see him!
	(Gears and Hound transform to vehicle mode, and turns on their
		lights. Optimus comes around the corner and Hound is TINY)

DOUG: Honey, I shrunk the Hound!

["Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!" was a 1980's movie starring Rick Moranis.
He was an inventor who created a machine that could shrink things, and
it was accidentally used on his and a neighbor's kids.]

	(Gears activates his infra-red, and Ravage is spotted)
	RATCHET: (vo) There he is!
	OPTIMUS: Fire the net!
	(Jazz and Prowl launch one half each of an energy net)

SIPHER: So what do they do when Jazz and Prowl aren't both there?

	(Back at the Decep base, Soundwave is playing back his tape)
	TELETRAAN-1: (on tape) Serman Dam is the largest in the Western
		Hemisphere. The hydroelectric power plant has a capacity of one
		million, seven hundred fifty thousand kilowatts.

PHIL: (T-1) And the gift shop is quite reasonable.

	MEGATRON: Good work, Soundwave.
	STARSCREAM: But that's not enough electrical power to make the
		energon cubes!
	MEGATRON: Your knowledge is only overshadowed by your stupidity,
		Starscream!

SIPHER: The hell?

	MEGATRON: We are goign to create a tidal wave!

SIPHER: (Tidal Wave) TIDAL WAVE. TIDAL WAVE.

[Another "Transformers: Armada" Tidal Wave reference.]

	MEGATRON: ...to make all the energon cubes we need! we attack the dam
		at sunrise!
	(Sunrise at the dam)

DOUG: You see, by attacking at sunrise they beat the lunchtime rush.

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Dispatch Rumble!

PHIL: Whack 'em.

[Mobster speak.  "Dispatch someone" means to whack 'em, or kill them.]

	(Soundwave releases Rumble)
	SOUNDWAVE: Rumble. Activate piledrivers. Operation: tidal wave.

SIPHER: (Rumble) Sometimes I think you love me only for my piledrivers.

DOUG: (Megatron) Shut up and piledrive!

	(Megatron pumps his fist, making it look like he's punching himself
		in the jaw)

SIPHER: (Makes bonking noises each time Meggy decks himself)

	MEGATRON: It's working! Excellent! Decepticons! To the power plant!
	(The jets transform and everyone takes off.)
	(Sigil transition)
	(The water begins to overflow. Inside, workers who are all dressed
		just like Spike and Sparkplug start panicking)
	WORKER: Hey, Ed!

DOUG: (Mr. Ed voice) Yes, Willlburrr?

[The old TV show "Mister Ed."]

	(Another worker smacks the console repeatedly)
	OTHER WORKER: Something must be wrong!

PHIL: Man, does every human on earth wear khaki and yellow hard hats?

DOUG: I know I like to.

	(Back at Auotbot HQ. Cybertronian text rolls along the screen as Jazz
		and Spike watch.)
	SPIKE: There's some sort of trouble at Sherman Dam!

SIPHER: (Jazz) I can read my own language, meatbag.

	SPIKE: The power output's ten times normal!
	JAZZ: Could be the Decepticons allright! I'll tell Prime!
	(Back at the dan, which is starting to crack)

DOUG: (Rowan Atkinson) Oh, DAMN.

[Besides a terrible pun, thanks to the choice of voice, this line is also a
reference to British comedian Rowan Atkinson -- specifically, his Edmund
Blackadder character.

We think.]

	(Inside the plant. The wall starts to crack)

SIPHER & PHIL: KOOL-AID MAN!

	(The Decepticons bust through)

DOUG: (Megatron as Kool-Aid-Man) OH NOOOOO!

[Another Kool-Aid Man reference, with a twist.]

	MEGATRON: I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons!

PHIL: NOT Batman!

[Number 11.]

	MEGATRON: You will do exactly as I say!
	(Elsewhere, the Autobots are driving along)

SIPHER: Can't they FLY?

	OPTIMUS: Autobots, accelerate!

PHIL: Autobots, signal your turns!

DOUG: Autobots, mind your space cushions!

	(Back at the dam)
	WORKER: We gotta get outta here! She's gonna blow!
	(Cut to the cracking dam... and the music builds... and after a
		puase, ends with "DUH-DAH-DUM!" and goes to commercial)

SPIHER: Wah-Wah-WAAAAAAH.

	(Fade from black. The dam is cracking up)
	WORKER: I tell ya, it's gonna BLOW!

DOUG: A romantic comedy starring Rob Schnieder? You gotta be kidding me!

[Name one romantic comedy with ex-"Saturday Night Live" member Rob Schneider
in a lead role that HASN'T sucked.

Can't do it, can ya?]

	MEGATRON: The electrical output is at its peak! Exactly where I want
		it! Starscream! Activate the null ray!
	(Starscream shoots the turbines, which stop)
	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Prepare the energon cubes!

PHIL: Nobody's capable of doing anything without a direct order, are they?

	(The Reflector trio each grab an empty cube then attach them to the
		turbines. The cubes fill with sparks)
	MEGATRON: Quickly, quickly!
	(Outside, the Autobots drive up and transform)
	PROWL: (in Optimus' voice) We've got to work fast!

DOUG: Optimus, Master Ventriloquist!

	(The cliff above them explodes. Megatron is standing outside the
		power plant)
	MEGATRON: (mockingly) YOU'RE TOO LATE, PRIME!

SIPHER: NYEAH NYEAH NYEAH!

	OPTIMUS: Autobots, to the air!

PHIL: Because we can fly now!

	(Spike leaps off of Hound's shoulder, who hasn't flown off)
	SPIKE: Looks like the heart of the tidal wave right here!

SIPHER: Can you even HAVE a tidal wave this far inland?

	SPIKE: Be careful, Hound!
	(Hound dives underwater... where's it's oddly calm)

DOUG: So I guess the current STOPS about three feet down.

	(Hound grabs Rumble from behind, but the small Decepticon slips from
		his grasp. His piledriver appears to hit right RIGHT in the
		crotch as they struggle)

SIPHER: OOOOH, right in the robo-junk!

[This line is just funny. "Junk" is such an odd term for one's Area.]

	(Meanwhile, the raging river is threatening several small homes
		downriver. Bumblebee and Ironhide land)
	BUMBLEBEE: Ironhide, we gotta stop that water!
	(Ironhide transforms to van mode)
	IRONHIDE: Stop talkin', tighten yer shock absorbers and get in! We're
		gonna make a NEW river!

PHIL: Ironhide IS Pecos Bill.

[Pecos Bill was the star of many Tall Tales, stories with great
exaggeration, including changing a river's course.]

	(Ironhide drives in front of a raging wall of water. Bumblebee, in
		his back, fires a laser cannon, making little tiny grooves in
		the ground.)

DOUG: Well, some new small drainage ditches, at least.

SIPHER: It's the thought that counts.

	(Overhead shot of a house with several people on top of the roof.
		Ironhide drives in front of it and Bumblebee cuts a ditch in
		the road that apparently is deep enough to contain the raging
		river. The humans cheer, waving. The last cry of "thanks,
		neighbor!" is distinclty male, but the only person waving at
		that time is lcearly a female.)

DOUG: Boy, that woman's got a deep voice!

	OPTIMUS: To the power plant!
	(All the Autobots fly up and fire at... a wall. However, the next
		shot shows a wide-open gate, and the shots blast down a Not
		Starscream and a Starscream-colored Reflector)

PHIL: Hey, there was a wall there!

	(Some Reflectors compress the energon cubes)
	MEGATRON: Gather the energon cubes!

SIPHER: Uh, they're all RIGHT HERE, boss.

	(Shot of the Autobots hovering in midair)
	OPTIMUS: Stick it in neutral, Megatron! You're not going anywhere!
	MEGATRON: Try and stop me, Prime!

DOUG: That's kind of the general idea, Megatron!

	(Sparkplug runs towards some hiding workers)
	SPARKPLUG: Hurry, follow me!

PHIL: Quick, INTO the killzone!

	(Mirage, Skywarp, Thundercracker and Cliffjumper have a little
		choreographed fight on a catwalk)

PHIL: Good thing they have giant-robot-scaled catwalks in this place.

	CLIFFJUMPER: For someone who doesn't like to fight, you're not bad,
		Mirage!
	(Optimus leaps to a small ledge to face Megatron. Meggy punches
		Prime, knocking him off, but Prime grabs the edge and hangs on
		tight over what is presumably a great height.)
	MEGATRON: Any last words?

DOUG: Yeah. I can FLY, dickweed.

	MEGATRON: Nothing can stop me now! NOT EVEN YOU!
	(He starts stepping on Prime's fingers)
	(Starscream peeks out from behind some generators, with a slingshot
		in hand. He loads a crystal into it and aims.)
	STARSCREAM: So long, Autobots!

SIPHER: Starscream say find friends today!

[In "Transformers: The Movie", Wheelie said the line "Wheelie say find
friends today!"  And he used a slingshot as his weapon.]

	(He slings the crystal, which explodes against a control panel. The
		force of the explosion throws Megatron around a little.)
	MEGATRON: YOU FOOL STARSCREAM! Help save the energon cubes! GET THEM
		OUT OF HERE!
	(Prime rushes up and tackles Megatron)

DOUG: I LOVE you, dammit!

	(On the top of the damn, Prime and Megs duke it out. Optimus replaces
		his hand with an energy axe)
	OPTIMUS: You destroy everything you touch, Megatron!

SIPHER: (singing) Everything I touch turns to gold...

[A reference to one of the songs from "Girl in Gold Boots", an aimless
drug-induced movie featured on MST3K.]

	MEGATRON: ...is food for my hunger! My HUNGER FOR POWER!
	(He replaces his hand with an energy flail)
	OPTIMUS: NO! I'm going to end your hunger once and for all!
	(He whacks Megs with his axe. Megs falls down)

DOUG: (Megatron) You're right, that axe was delicious!

	MEGATRON: You can't stop me!
	OPTIMUS: You're old, Megatron!

PHIL: Because you're hard.

[From a TF book published by Ladybird.  Megatron uses the line "I'm old
because I'm hard."   Seriously.]

	MEGATRON: We'll see who's ready for the scrapheap!
	OPTIMUS: JUNK! That's what you are! JUNK!
	MEGATRON: SILENCE!!

SIPHER: (whiny crying) STOP PICKING ON MEEEE!

	(Megatron swings his mace around)
	MEGATRON: When I'm through with you, Prime, there won't be enough
		pieces to sweep up!
	(More weapon-swinging. And overhead shot, Prime makes little pokey-
	motions with his axe.)

DOUG: Poke poke!

	(Back at the river)
	SPIKE: HOUND! You all right down there?!
	(Hound is still wrassling with Rumble)

SIPHER: (burbling) Yeah, just dandy, thanks kid!

	(Rumble knocks Hound into a pile of boulders, which collapse and trap
		him. Rumble jets to the surface.)
	SPIKE: Hey! Where's Hound?!
	(Rumble knocks Spike over)

SIPHER: (Rumble) With your momma.

	(Spike tackles Rumble, kocking him over. Rumble grabs Spike by the
		lapels.)
	SPIKE: HELP! HELP!
	(Optimus turns to look)

DOUG: (Prime) Damn kid I oughta-

	(Megatron knocks Prime off the dam in that moment of distraction)

DOUG: -aaaaAAAAAAA!

	MEGATRON: Who's the scrap metal NOW, Prime? You'll never stop me!
	(Megatron laughs and takes off, still swinging his mace over his head
		like a helicopter blade)

SIPHER: Hey, he's Mighty Thor!

[The Mighty Thor, a Marvel comic character, uses a hammer for a weapon, and
he usually twirls it when he flies.]

	(Megatron flies off with his Decepticons, all carrying energon cubes.
		Prime continues to be washed downriver)

PHIL: I've got tubes in my eeeeeears!

[If a child were to get many ear infections, he'd get tubes places in his
ears to let the fluid drain to prevent more infections.  The child was not
supposed to go swimming because then water could get in the ear more easily
and start an infection.]

	(Commercial break... and we're back)
	(Prime is still being washed downriver)

DOUG: Wheeeee...

	JAZZ: Prime! Use this as an emergency brake!
	(He uses the grapnel thing again, and Prime grabs the cable)
	JAZZ: Hy-draulic, Prime!

SIPHER: Doesn't have the same "oomph" as "fan-riffic", does it?

PHIL: No.

["Fan-riffic!" was the catchphrase used by Hong-Kong Phooey, a Hanna-Barbera
cartoon character also voiced by Scatman Crothers.]

	(Spike picks himself up, rubbing his head)
	SPIKE: Hound! Are you down there?
	(Spike dives in. Shot of underwater)

PHIL: (singing) Just keep swimming...

[Dory from 2003's "Finding Nemo".  If you haven't seen this movie, what's
wrong with you?]

	(Spike finds Hound, and amazingly pulls a huge boulder off him)

SIPHER: Spike get MAD! SPIKE GET STRONG!

[In the "Incredible Hulk" TV series, and some of the comics (depending on
which version of the Hulk it is), David/Bruce Banner would change into the
Hulk if he got mad.  When a talking Hulk figure came out some years ago, two
of the three lines it said were "Hulk get mad!" and "Hulk get strong!"]

	(Back at the surface, Spike is laying on his stomach on a rock. Hound
		is behind him, kneading his back)

PHIL: (makes horrible wet crushing noises)

SIPHER: AAUGH STOP AAARGH CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS AAAAARGLLLE...

[The joke here was almost obscured by audience laughter just at the visual
of the scene, as Hound's robo-junk is um... positioned... right behind a
certain area of Spike.  Considering the amount of sexual humor elsewhere in
the script, it was decided instead to go with a good internal injuries joke
for variety.]

	SPIKE: Thanks, Hound. You save dmy-
	HOUND: Even. Okay?
	SPIKE: O-kay.
	(Back at he power plant)
	MIRAGE: Maybe we should repair our ship and go back to Cybertron,
		forget about the Decepticons!
	OPTIMUS: We can't do that, Mirage.

DOUG: (Optimus) We're contractually obligated for thirteen episodes.

[Season 1 of "Transformers" was 13 episodes in length.]

	OPTIMUS: ... he'll be impossible to beat on Cybertron.
	HUFFER: (whiny) But we're not fighters like they are, Prime!

SIPHER: I was going to Toshe Station to pick up some power convertors!

[Another "Star Wars: A New Hope" reference.  Uncle Owen tells Luke that he's
to work on the moisture farm today.  Luke responds with this line and sounds
really whiny when he does.]

	OPTIMUS: ... we must conquer it!
	(Sigil transition)
	(A snowfield. Several generic Decepticon jets land at an oil
		pipeline)

PHIL: Oh, no, not "When Continents Collide!"

[Yes, referring to that again.  The "story", such as it was, in the
video, dealt with the Decepticons trying to steal oil to use for their
nefarious plans.]

	(Shot of Soundwave and some Reflectors filling energon cubes in a
		grassy, slightly-wooded area)

SIPHER: They're stealing energon from trees?

	(More Decepticons flying out of a mine, armfuls of energon)

DOUG: So what, are the Autobots busy watching Tiny Toons or something?

[Can't say we blame them; "Tiny Toon Adventures" was one of the first
big WB cartoons of the late 80's that sparked a revival of their
animation studio.  Executive Produced by Steven Spielberg, it followed
the adventures of Babs and Buster Bunny, Plucky Duck, and others in
the same vein as Bugs, Daffy, etc.]

	(Back at Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: And the energon cubes?
	SOUNDWAVE: Three thousand astroliters more required.
	MEGATRON: We need one more source of energy, Soundwave.
	SOUNDWAVE: The ruby crystals of Burma.

SIPHER: Oh, well-HUH?

	MEGATRON: They're the richest source of energy on the face of the
		Earth!

SIPHER: NO NO NO. I call bullcrap!

	(Mehcanical whirring noise)
	MEGATRON: What was that?
	(Starscream has a laser cannon hooked up to a few piles of energon
		cubes. He fires the cannon, blowing up a moutntainside.)
	MEGATRON: STARSCREAM! What in the universe are you DOING?

DOUG: (redneck voise) I saw me a deer!

	STARSCREAM: They work!
	MEGATRON: OF COURSE they work!
	STARSCREAM: YOU didn't know, you never tested them!

PHIL: You don't understand meeee!

	(Megatron points to a stack of now-empty cubes)
	MEGATRON: You only proved your defective menatility! Now we need two
		strikes before we have enough energy to return to Cybertron!

SIPHER: THAT TWO STRIKE STAR!

[Really obscure alt.toys.transformers reference.  Short story is that there
was a huge flare-up on the newsgroup between Chi and Dan Khanna, and "THAT
TWO STRIKE DAN" became a running joke after that.  If you want more
information, check Google Groups.  We don't have time to get into it here.
Don't really want to, either.  It's mostly the phrasing that the writers (and
various others) find funny more than any context.]

	STARSCREAM: There's plenty here for us!
	MEGATRON: The difference is TIME, you fool! You've set us back!
	(Megatron kicks the cannon, which breaks)

PHIL: You've been gone four million years. I think you can afford one more
	day.

	(Pan off. We then see Trailbreaker, with a reciever dish sticking out
		of his roof, plus Spike and Sparkplug having coffee on some
		logs neardby.)
	MEGATRON: (vo) Despite your stupidity, Starscream, our mission WILL
		succeed!

SIPHER: (cheesy fakey-serious deadpan) Boy. I am so glad this is not like
	Armada where they tote around humans for no good reason at all.

PHIL: (same tone) Yes sir.

DOUG: Nothing like that at all.

[One of the criticisms of the "Transformers: Armada" cartoon was that the
humans seemed to be the main characters at times and were there without any
real reason to be.  And of course, "Generation 1" never did that.]

	STARSCREAM: Don't push me, Megatron! My desire for power is as great
		as yours!
	MEGATRON: Power flows to the one who knows how!

DOUG: Knows how WHAT? How to complete your sentences, maybe?

	STARSCREAM: I can WAIT.
	MEGATRON: Assemble the strike force!
	(A long line of oddly-colored Decepticons)

SIPHER: Hey, it's Enemy!

[One of the pieces of secondary TF merchandise in the '80s was a working
radio with a nearly solid-red version of the Rumble/Frenzy toy permanently
fixed to one side.  (It could still transform, though.)  In the place on the
package where the robot's name would normally go, the only word written was
"Enemy."]

	SOUNDWAVE: Strike force assembled.
	MEGATRON: SCRAMBLE!

PHIL: POACH!

DOUG: SUNNY-SIDE-UP!

[Different ways of preparing eggs to eat. ]

	(They all fly away)
	MEGATRON: TO THE CRYSTAL MINES!
	(Trailbreaker is driving along with Spike & Sparkplug inside)
	SPARKPLUG: (cheerily) You know something?

DOUG: (cheerily) I'm not your father!

[There's something so horribly cheery about the way Sparkplug says his line,
that following it up with something so devastatingly cruel just seemed so
right.]

	SPIKE: Look, Dad, no hands!
	TRAILBREAKER: (laughing) Big deal, I'M driving!
	(Sparkplug looks out the window)
	SPARKPLUG: Uh-oh. I think we've got company!

PHIL: Get out the china!

	(A pair of Decpeticon jets strafe Trailbreaker)
	SPIKE: Can;t you go any faster, Trailbreaker?
	TRAILBREAKER: Sorry! This is it! I'm not built for speed!

SIPHER: Yeah, it's always a good idea to send a slow guy as a spy.

	(Sparkplug grabs a CB mike)
	SPARKPLUG: Sparkplug to Autobots!

SIPHER: Hammer down!

DOUG: Rabbit ears!

[Another They Might Be Giants (the band, not the movie) reference, this time
to "Rabid Child", who stays inside all day and talks on a CB (citizens'
band) radio.  CB lingo "hammer down" and "rabbit ears" get repeated a few
times.]

	SPARKPLUG: Send help!
	SPIKE: And HURRY!
	(The Decpticons get pretty damn close to nailing Trailbreaker)
	TRAILBREAKER: I may not be fast,

PHIL: (Trailbreaker) But I'm effective and provide soothing relief!

[References to any one of several different over-the-counter medications
for relieving different types of pain.]

	(Two Lamborghinis drive towards Trailbreaker)
	TRAILBREAKER: It's Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe!

DOUG: Great, a sociopath and a frat boy. We're saved.

[This got a big reaction from the audience.  Go fig.  But that's what those
two are, basically.]

	(The two cars skid and 180, driving up to either side of
		Trailbreaker. The jets shoot, almost hitting Sunstreaker.)
	SUNSTREAKER: HEY! That's a new paint job!
	(His spoiler splits open, and a gun appears, blasting the Decepticon
		jet on the wing.)
	SPIKE: Man, that's hot!
	DECEPTICON: I'm heading in for repairs!
	OTHER DECEPTICON: I'll shadow you back!

SIPHER: Oh no, a small scratch! RETREAT!

DOUG: Must be French Decepticons.

SIPHER: Heheheheheh.

[Throughout history, it is claimed that the French have never won a war;
they've either retreated or surrendered.]

	(Sigil transition)
	(Inside the crystal mines. Lots and lots of crystals flow through
		clear pipes. Shot of a junction where all the pipe lead into a
		main shaft leading down)

PHIL: Rather Jetsonny, isn't it?

[Another reference to "The Jetsons".]

	STARSCREAM: Let's go, hurry up! Get this car loaded! FASTER!

SIPHER: I'm still fuzzy on the whole ruby energy thing.

DOUG: Maybe they're faith healers?

SIPHER: (Megatron) With these crystals, my chakras will be INVINCIBLE!

["Chakra" is a Sanskrit term for one of seven energy centers of the body.
Each Chakra also correlates to levels of consiousness, sounds, stages of
life, colors, etc.  Very mystical healing stuff.]

	MEAGTRON: Exactly! I will build the ultimate weapon, to defeat the
		Autobots!
	(Shot of Soundwave, who's vibrating)

DOUG: (Soundwave) I'm so turned on.

	MEGATRON: TO CONQUER THE UNIVERSE!
	(laughs maniacally and throws ruby crystals around)
	(Outside the mines)
	OPTIMUS: There they are.
	JAZZ: Megatron and the other Decepticons must be inside the mine!

SIPHER: NAAAAAAW.

	IRONHIDE: Let's blast their tail-rudders outta there!
	WHEELJACK: We've got just the trick to do it with, too!
	(He holds out a small bomb-thingy)
	WHEELJACK: There's enough explosive in here to bury them forever!

PHIL: (Wheeljack) Fifty thousand, no less!

[Another "Star Wars" reference, this time from "Return of the Jedi".  Leia,
as Bounty Hunter Boussh, bargains with Jabba for a fair price for Chewbacca.
When she doesn't get the fifty thousand, she threatens to blow up the palace
with a thermal detonator.]

	OPTIMUS: Not so fast, Wheeljack. We know they're in there, but we
		don't know where.
	SPARKPLUG: I'll go! I've worked these mines!

DOUG: Back at THE DAWN OF TIME.

[Yet another one.]

	BUMBLEBEE: ...I have the best chance of getting through! I'll stick
		that bomb right under their nose-gears!
	(Bumblebee transforms)
	BUMBLEBEE: Hop in, Sparkplug!
	(Wheeljack hands over the bomb)
	WHEELJACK: Once you set this timer here, you've got sixty seconds!

PHIL: Seems to me a short fuse on super-high-explosives is NOT a good idea.

	OPTIMUS: If there's any problem, get out of there. We'll find another
		way.
	SPARKPLUG: There won't be any problem, Prime. This one's for
		Cybertron AND Earth! Let's go, Bumblebee!

SIPHER: Herbie Goes To War!

[Herbie is the VW bug featured in such movies as "The Love Bug" and
"Herbie Rides Again".]

	(They drive up to the mine entrance, Sparkplug gets out and Bumblebee
		tranforms back to robot mode)
	BUMBLEBEE: Come on! Let's go inside!

DOUG: (woodenly) And then let us plant the bomb. Inside the mine that we
	enter.

[Characters in cartoons sure like saying what they're doing and what's going
on out loud, don't they?]

	SPARKPLUG: It's the ruby crystals that make it glow. They're almost
		alive!

SIPHER: Rock Lords?

[The Tonka GoBots spinoff line, Rock Lords, featured aliens/robots that
turned into -- yep, rocks.  The commercial jingle began with "Rock Lords!
Rocks that come alive!" and ended with "Rock Lords!  Powerful living rocks!"]

	(Skywarp and Thundercracker push a mine cart full of crystals)
	THUNDERCRACKER: You know, Skywarp, I can't wait to get back to
		Cybertron. Earth's so FLAT.

PHIL: But it has a nice personality!

[Reference to the common saying that if a girl has a nice personality, she
must be unattractive.  Of course, none of the MSTF crew believes in such a
thing.]

	(They walk right by Bumblebee and Sparkplug, who are hiding in a dark
		crevasse.)
	SPARKPLUG: (quietly) This way!
	(They turn a corner)
	BUMBLEBEE: (whispering) We found 'em!
	MEGATRON: This is the last load! Get ready to pull out!

ALL: (Embarrassed coughing)

[If you don't get why we're coughing, we're not gonna explain it.]

	(Bumblebee plants the bomb)
	BUMBLEBEE: It's done!
	SPARKPLUG: Let's move it!
	(They run... right into Skywarp and Thundercracker)

DOUG: (trumpet noise) Wah-wah!

	SPARKPLUG: Oh no!
	(They rush the two jets. Thundercracker actually punches Sparkplug
	into a wall.)

SIPHER: (horrible SPLUTCH-like noise)

PHIL: He should be wall-pizza after that!

	(The bomb ticks down. Outside...)
	JAZZ: They oughtta be outta there by now!
	OPTIMUS: I don't like it. Something's wrong.
	IRONHIDE: I'll check it out!
	OPTIMUS: No. I'll go. I'll use Roller. He's small enough to get in
		there without being seen.

DOUG: Like Sparkplug and Bumblebee were?

	OPTIMUS: If I'm not back in five minutes... come get me.
	(He transforms. Sigil transition. Skywarp and Thunderracker are still
		beating Bumblebee around. Thundercracker finally knocks him
		flat on his back.)
	SKYWARP: Let's give Megatron a little present!
	THUNDERCRACKER: Heh! Maybe we oughtta wrap him up and put a little
		bow on 'im!

SIPHER: He'll just be so cuuuuuute!

	(Optimus drives up to the mine entrance)
	OPTIMUS: It's up to you, Roller! Find out what's going on in there!
		And be careful!
	(Roller is dispatched from Optimus' trailer, making R2-D2 noises)

DOUG: (C-3PO) Not that way, Roller, you'll be breaking down in no time!

[This must be a record for "Star Wars" references.  In "A New Hope", R2-D2
wants to go down a certain rocky path, and C-3PO tells him to not go that
way, since he'll just break down.]

	(The bomb explodes. Rocks come tumbling down, burying the Decepticons
		within the mine. A shot of Megatron struggling to stay upright)

PHIL: DAMN YOU MOTOTRON!

[Referring to the cave-in from the Go-Bots video we just watched about an hour
previous.  Go back and reread it, if you must; we'll wait.  *grumble grumble
mutter mutter*]

	(The entrance goes kaflooey too, knocking Prime over)
	PRIME: ROLLER!
	(Prime starts tumbling down the hillside, still in truck mode)
	JAZZ: PRIME!
	(Prime tumbles down the slope)

PHIL: AAAAAS YOOOOOOOOOOOU WIIIIIIIIIIIISH...

[Referring to Wesley from "The Princess Bride".  Princess Buttercup pushed
Wesley (dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts) down a hill, and he yelled that
as he tumbled.  Phil was surprised at the extreme reaction this line got.]

	TOMMY: Boy, Prime. That was quite a tumble you took when that bomb
		went off.
	OPTIMUS (vo): It's nothing compared to the tumble I take later,

SIPHER: Whoa.

	TOMMY (vo): Prime? A little advice? Next time -- take a space ship.
	OPTIMUS (vo): What would I do without you, Tommy?

PHIL: Have less stress?

DOUG: Have friends talk to you?

SIPHER: Find someone else to dress up as a princess?

	OPTIMUS: Sure... if you just tell me what this project is all about.
	TOMMY: Prime, next time I promise to tell you everything, when I
		transform your day into an adventure.

DOUG: (Prime) MY day, you litlte punk?

	(Tommy backflips onto Prime's shoulder and holds on to where
		Prime's "ear" would be.)
	(Prime's jets fire, and they blast off into space, where a very
		animatronic Prime and Tommy can be seen.)

SIPHER: (strangled noises gasping for Prime, than a wet splurchy explosion)

	(fade to black)

===========================================================================
BUMPER SIX : WE LOVE YOU VINCE
     Music - "Dawn of a New Day" -- Vince DiCola
===========================================================================

	Recognize this song?


	It's Vince DiCola's "Dawn of a New Day", the
	BotCon 1998 theme song.  Vince rearranged
	the song as a piano solo, and it was
	programmed as a demo in every Alesis DG8
	keyboard on the market.



	And remember, you can buy fine, high-quality
	Alesis instruments from any reputable music
	dealer!


	That's Alesis -
	A-L-E-S-I-S


	[selling out]


OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

(Pause tape, house lights up)

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