MSTF 7: Generation Why?
The Annotated Script

Episode Four

===========================================================================
BUMPER SEVEN : YEAH
     Music - "Mas Fun" -- They Might Be Giants
===========================================================================

	You got the touch.

	You got the power.

	[yeah]

[Not much to explain for this bumper.  It's just a small riff on "The
Touch" from "Transformers: The Movie".  Graham really, really liked this
bumper; a small test version Phil showed him had him laughing for a long
time.]

[Well, at least ten minutes.]

***************************************************************************
EPISODE FOUR : MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE PART 3
***************************************************************************

	TOMMY: Prime, since my teacher knows you're my friend,

SIPHER: She's NOT gonna call the cops.

	OPTIMUS: Finally.
	TOMMY: But first, the end of the story!
	(Footage from the previous episodes)
	OPTIMUS: But I told you how the Autobots crash-landed on Earth!

DOUG: At the DAWN OF TIME!

PHIL: (From the back of the room) I HEARD THAT!

	MEGATRON: (vo) We shall return home with enough power to build the
		ultimate weapon! AND conquer the universe!
	OPTIMUS: (vo) And how we met the human Spike.

DOUG: AT THE DAWN OF-

SIPHER: Okay, now I'M sick of it!

(Phil comes back to his seat)

[Finally, we're done with those "DAWN OF TIME" jokes.]

	MIRAGE: Try this one, Spike! Now you see me... now you don't!
	SPIKE: (dreamily) Incredible!

SIPHER: I'm SO turned on.

	TOMMY: (vo) Bumblebee and Spike went into the cave-

PHIL: But that's Sparkplug... you're not the real Tommy! WE MUST HAVE A
	RACE!

[Referring to the G1 episode "A Prime Problem", where Megatron made a
duplicate Prime.  Teletraan-1 couldn't tell them apart (huh?), so the
big plan to expose the phony was... to have them race.]

	TOMMY: ...and the bomb exploded! And you were sent crashing down the
		side of the mountain!
	JAZZ: PRIME!
	TOMMY: So you gotta finish the story first!
	(Back to Tommy & Op)
	OPTIMUS: THEN you promise to show me the project?
	(Tommy crosses his heart... kinda. It's more the stomach area.)

SIPHER: (Huge belch)

	Prime rolls down the hill)

SIPHER: (singing) Rollin' rollin' rollin', 'cuz the mine's explodin'...

[Spoofing the theme song of the TV show "Rawhide".]

	(The Autobots land by Prime as he stops, on his side)
	JAZZ: Prime, you all right?
	PROWL: Looks bad, Jazz.

DOUG: Should have gotten TMS to do the animation.

[TMS (Tokyo Movie Shinsha (sp?)) is an animation company that does very,
VERY good work.  They did the beautiful-if-overlong-and-confusing movie
"Akira", but do a lotof work for US TV, including "The Mighty Orbots" from
the 80's, and more recently, many episodes for various Warner Bros.' shows
from the early 90's on, including "Tiny Toon Adventures" (including the
entirety of the summer vacation movie), "Animaniacs", "Freakazoid!", plus
the Batman & Superman series, including the "Batman Beyond: Return of the
Joker" movie.]

	RATCHET: Let's get him up on his wheels.
	(The Autobots push Prime onto his wheels)

SIPHER: (Prime) OH GOD IT HURTS STOP...

	(He's upright)
	RATCHET: Prime, can you hear me?

PHIL: Can you feel me near you?

	JAZZ: He's still generatin'!
	OPTIMUS: Roller! Wh... what happened to him?
	(Roller drives away from the entrance)

DOUG: He succeeeded in his mission... reminding kids that Prime's toy has
	Roller.

	JAZZ: Down, but not out! Roller's one tough little Autobot!
	RATCHET: Prime, can you transform?

PHIL: You've had a bad fall. Be sure to move EVERYTHING a lot.

	OPTIMUS: (starts to transform) I... I don't know... if I can do it!
		Ugh... agh!

SIPHER: (rude fart noise) Aaaah.

	(Gears, Huffer and Cliffjumper urge Prime on)
	GEARS: Try harder!
	HUFFER: You got it, you got it!

PHIL: Cliffjumper's got GREAT gams!

	(Prime grunts more as he slowly transforms bit by bit)

SIPHER: (more rude farties)

	(Prime's fists come out of his arms)

DOUG: (to Sipher) STOP IT.

[Oh, right.  *This* is why some say we aren't highbrow and educational.]

	(Optimus makes it to robot mode)
	OPTIMUS: THERE!

PHIL: That took a while. Must be Anniversary Prime.

[For the 20th anniversary of Transformers, Hasbro made a huge Optimus
Prime toy that took quite a long time to transform from one mode to
the other.]

	RATCHET: That was some blast you took!
	OPTIMUS: The blast! Bumblebee and Sparkplug! They're still inside!
	PROWL: How will we ever find them under all that rock?

DOUG: Look for the red stain.

	(A drill comes out of Ironhide's arm)
	IRONHIDE: Stand back!

SIPHER: (singing) I'll be a deee-eeentiiist...

[From the movie musical "Little Shop of Horrors", where Steve Martin has a
small role as a sadistic dentist.]

	(Ironhide begins drilling into the rock)
	OPTIMUS: Start digging!
	(The Autobots dig. Shot from inside the rubble, sunlight breaks
		through and Jazz peeks in)
	JAZZ: I found them! Over here!
	SPARKPLUG: Jazz! I thought we'd had it!

DOUG: Sparkplug IS NOT HUMAN!

	OPTIMUS: Thanks to you two, the Decpeticons are finished!

PHIL: Uh, they just are. Trust me.

	SPARKPLUG: Wheeljack wasn't kidding when he said it would blow in
		sixty seconds!

SIPHER: BASTARD.

	OPTIMUS: With the Decepticons buried under all that rock, we can
		resume our search for the resources we need.

PHIL: Let's go steal some rocket fuel!

	OPTIMUS: Very soon, Mirage. Very soon.
	(The top of the mountain explodes. The Autobots dodge the raining
		debris)
	IRONHIDE: Leakin' lubricant!
	(Inside the mountain, Megatron lowers Mr. Fusion Cannon)
	SKYWARP: It worked! We're free!

DOUG: With 20 Robot Points!

["Robot Points" were little icons you could cut and save from G1 toy
packaging.  Every so often, Hasbro included mail-in forms with the toys
that you could use to redeem points for other toys or items.  We're pretty
sure that most of the time, it was just a way to get rid of toys that they
still had in the warehouse but weren't selling on the shelves anymore.
Sorry to ruin the magic.]

	MEGATRON: Power to the Decepticons FOREVER!
	DECPETICONS: (cheer)
	(Pan over to Soundwave, who has an Autobot symbol on his chset,
		whoops!)

SIPHER: I'M NOT A TRAITOR!

	SOUNDWAVE: Energon cubes still functional.
	MEGATRON: Take them and follow me!

DOUG: Man. Wheeljack makes some pretty poor bombs.

PHIL: Yup.

	OPTIMUS: The Decepticons! They're escaping!
	IRONHIDE: AFTER them! They're-
	OPTIMUS: Save it, Ironhide. They're too fast for us in the air.

SIPHER: If only we could fly.

[But.. they CAN.  For another few minutes, at least.]

	IRONHIDE: I'LL stop 'em!
	(He takes off)
	OPTIMUS: Ironhide! Come back!
	BLUESTREAK: I'll get him!

PHIL: I've been dying for some screen time!

	(A still cel of both flying Autobots is dragged up and down)
	BLUESTREAK: Call it off, Ironhide! There's too many of them!

SIPHER: Animation by Clutch Cargo.

["Clutch Cargo" was a cartoon series from 1959 that had VERY limited
animation.  The mouths, in fact, were "animated" using a method called
"Synchro-Vox," in which actual human lips were superimposed on the animated
character's face.]

	IRONHIDE: Stop yappin, Bluestreak! This is my fight!
	BLUESTREAK: Make it OUR fight!
	(A missile launcher comes out of Ironhide's back, and fires into the
		Decepticons' V-formation)

ALL: (quacking duck-noises as soon as the V is visible)

	(The missile hits Skywarp's tailfin)

DOUG: QUUUAAAAAACK!

	SKYWARP: Skywarp to Megatron! Request permission to teleport!

SIPHER: Sheesh. He's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

PHIL: Request permission to wipe my own butt!

	(Skywarp vanishes. Ironhide and Bluestreak fly by, and Skywarp re-
		appears, tailfin intact)

DOUG: Did he warp back to base and get a new tailfin?

	(Skywarp fires missiles that miss badly)
	BLUESTREAK: It's like fightin' a shadow!

PHIL: A slow shadow with bad aim...

	IRONHIDE: Don't worry, we'll get him...
	(Ironhide is zapped in the back)
	BLUESTREAK: IRONHIDE!
	(Ironhide falls, and hits a small lake with a tiny splash)

SIPHER: THAT was a short ten thousand feet!

	(Bluestreak wades into the lake and grabs Ironhide. The other
		Autobots land nearby.)
	BLUESTREAK: Throw me a line!

DOUG: Girl, you must be Jamaican!

[Referring to the horrid pick-up line, "Girl, you must be Jamaican, because
Jamaican me crazy!"  Also used by "Weird Al" Yankovic in "Wanna B Ur Lovr"
from 2003's "Poodle Hat"]

	(Jazz does the grapnel thing again)

SIPHER: Does ANYONE remember word one about tow-cables in Jazz's bio?

DOUG: Nope!

	IRONHIDE: I can't move!
	OPTIMUS: At least you can still talk, old buddy!

PHIL: That way Peter Cullen gets TWO checks!

[Peter Cullen voiced both Optimus Prime and Ironhide.]

	IRONHIDE: Think my linkage is busted!
	RATCHET: I'll check it. Get him inside!
	(Ratchet transforms)

SIPHER: That's a bigass ambulance.

[Think about it; Ironhide is bigger than the average human by quite a
bit.  How big must Ratchet be to fit him in the back?]

	(Jazz and Bluestreak pick up Ironhide)
	OPTIMUS: You gave us all a pretty good scare.
	IRONHIDE: It's been worse! I remember the time on Cybertron-

PHIL: You mean YOUR WHOLE LIFE UP TO TWO DAYS AGO?

	OPTIMUS: ...there's a thin line between being a hero and being a
		memory.
	JAZZ: Heh-heh. Maybe Ironhide's ready for a nice, cushy office job!
	IRONHIDE: Hey, no way! Soon as Ratchet tightens a few bolts, I'll be
		right back in action!
	(HIDEOUS shot of Optimus Prime all deformo'd)

ALL: (noises of shock and horror)

SIPHER: Still better than Rob Rufollo's work.

[Rob Rufollo drew the "Micromasters" series for Dreamwave in the summer of
2004.  The art was so confusing many people couldn't tell what was happening
on any particular page.]

	(The Autobots drive away. Back at the base, Spike's high up on a
		cliff, writing in his diary)
	SPIKE: (vo) Optimus Prime cares a lot for his fellow robots.

PHIL: I still don't know why he put me on this high cliff, though.

	SPIKE: (vo) ... he'd make a neat President!
	(Meanwhile, Hound is teasing a caged Ravage with a key just out of
		reach)
	HOUND: Uh-uh, Ravage, this key's not for you!

DOUG: This Bud, however, is!

[Referring to the old Budweiser beer commercial tagline, "This Bud's For
You!"]

	HOUND: Don't think he likes being a prisoner!
	MIRAGE: Can't say I blame him. You know, I'm surprised the
		Decepticons haven't tried to rescue him.

SIPHER: (Dean Martin) Jerry baby! Buh-buh-buh-boo...

[Mirage sounds like Dean Martin. Martin made his early career out of a mix
of musical talent and comedic acting in which he portrayed a suave playboy
who was more often drunk than not.  He frequently starred opposite Jerry
Lewis.]

	HOUND: Hey, Ravage! Watch this!
	(Shot of Ravage's head)

SIPHER: ZZZZZIP!

PHIL: NO!

[Again, if you don't understand, don't ask.]

	(Hound creates a Megatron hologram)
	HOUND: Ha-ha! Here's your friend Megatron, to keep you company!
	(Ravage snarls and jerks, whch the way it's animated puts his head
		right at Hound's butt)

DOUG: (Head-Crusher Guy) I'm biting your ass!

[The Head-Crusher Guy from "Kids in the Hall"]

	MIRAGE: (laughing) When we get back to Cybertron, will you make me a
		big house with a four-car garage?

SIPHER: (Mirage/Dean) I got three wives, ya see...

[Mirage is a car, see, so if he needs a four-car garage, he must have three
wives....]

	HOUND: Mirage, you just gave me a great idea!

DOUG: Ravage, cover your ears and forget what we were saying.

	(inside)
	OPTIMUS: A hologram?
	HOUND: That's right, Prime! But I mean a BIG one!
	PROWL: What did you have in mind?

PHIL: A giant wooden rabbit!

[References the absurd take on the Trojan Horse ploy from "Monty Python and
the Holy Grail."]

	HOUND: ...that'll trick the Decepticons into coming to us, on our
		terms!
	JAZZ: It might work!
	PROWL: What's the hologram of?
	OPTIMUS: I've got an idea.

DOUG: (Optimus) PUDDING.

[Another in-joke, this time from MSTF 4 in 2000, specifically from "Dark
Awakening":

	KUP : That's the point, sonny. What happened, Optimus?
	OPTIMUS : Darkness. Cold. Then, light.

DOUG: Then... pudding. I don't know why.

This was a favorite joke of ours, Doug's particularly, and it's made its way
into MSTF 6 and now 7, just like the "Bring me the sports section!" joke.
It'll probably be in MSTF 8, too.  Incidentally, this line made it into
something other than an MSTF.  If you are the first person to E-mail us with
the correct answer, you'll win one hu-- oh, sorry, we already have a winner.
Too bad for you.]

	(Hound is back outside, swinging the key ring on his finger)
	HOUND: I just saw Prime! He told me Teletraan-1's located a secret
		supply of rocket fuel!
	MIRAGE: Where?

PHIL: At the hologram!

SIPHER: SHHH!

	MIRAGE: Then maybe we can get to Cybertron?
	HOUND: Why there's enough rocket fuel at that base to make FOUR trips
		to Cybertron!

SIPHER: And it's not a trap! (snerk!)

	MIRAGE: But what about Ravage?
	HOUND: (putting the ring on his "belt") Don't worry about him. (The
		keyring "accidentally" slips off.) He's not going anywhere.

DOUG: (Fakey) Unless I were to DROP THE KEY AND NOT NOTICE, THEN HE COULD
	ESCAPE AND TELL THE DECEPTICONS ABOUT THE SECRET HOLOGRAM ROCKET BASE
	THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT A TRAP!

[Sipher still cracks up over this whole scene. It's so incredibly moronic,
really, that it's (to him at least) hilarious.]

	(Ravage manages to snag the key, and unlocks his cage. He bolts,
		naturally)

SIPHER: I smell BACON!!

	MIRAGE: It's Ravage!
	HOUND: He's getting away!

PHIL: (Fakey) Oh no!

	(Ravage bounds up the rocks)

SIPHER: BACON BACON BACON BACON!

	(Ravage dives off the cliff)

SIPHER: BACOOOOON!

[This joke got the biggest laugh of the entire performance.  Sipher's
delivery of the lines was just so perfect.  The audience cracked up.  The
performers cracked up.  It's a reference to the commercial for "Beggin'
Strips" dog treats, if you didn't recognize it, where we see the world from
a dog's point of view (we just see his nose jutting out from the bottom of
the screen) as he smells BACON BACON BACON BACON! and goes searching for
the source.  It's really a funny commerical. "What's that say?! I CAN'T
READ!"

Funnily enough, Ravage isn't even a dog.  Although Swedish fan Cecilia Matz
later informed us that in at least one of the Swedish dubs of G1, his name
was actually "Dog".  Which is just awesome.

"BACON BACON BACON BACON" may take on a life of it's own....]

	(The Autobots return to Prime)
	OPTIMUS: What happened?
	HOUND: (In Mirage's voice) Ravage. He escaped!
	OPTIMUS: Perfect.
	(The Autobots look shocked, INCLUDING Hound, Prowl and Jazz)

SIPHER: BUT YOU JUST... YOU KNEW THE... IT WAS... ARGH BRAIN HURT!

	(Back at Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: Excellent work, Ravage, excellent! That rocket fuel is the
		last resource we need to defeat the Autobots and control
		Cybertron!
	STARSCREAM: Right on scehdule, aren't we?
	MEGATRON: No thanks to you, Starscream.
	STARSCREAM: I've made my contribution!

DOUG: I gave at the office!

[Referring to giving blood/donating money/etc.]

	MEGATRON: ...your desire to repalce me as leader of the Decepticons!
		Mistake number ONE.
	STARSCREAM: It's time for a change, Megatron!

PHIL: It's time for NEW COKE!

[New Coke was supposed to be this huge new money maker for Coca-Cola in
the 1980's, with a new formula that would beat Pepsi.

Coke drinkers reacted by not buying it in droves, and Coke had to rush to
get the original formula back on the market as "Coca-Cola Classic".  Soon,
New Coke became "Coke II" and then vanished.]

	STARSCREAM: I am the leader of the future!
	MEGATRON: You couldn't lead ant-droids to a picnic.

DOUG: He's only been on the planet two days, and he's already mastered the
	dumb joke.

	(Megatron walks away, turning his back. Starscream aims)
	SOUNDWAVE: Megatron!
	(Starscream fires. Megatron puts up an energy shield. Starscream's
		rifle smokes)
	STARSCREAM: It's... it's empty!

SIPHER: My pants are full, though!

	MEGATRON: You should have disposed of me what you had the chance,
		Starscream. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. (Aims) Now it's my turn!
	STARSCREAM: Please! Don't fire! I...

PHIL: (smooth) I love you, baby! It'll never happen again! I love you so
	much, baby, that I-

	(Megatron fires, hitting Starscream in the arm and knocking him to
		his feet.)

PHIL: Daaamn, baby!

[Either a typical "cheater-gets-caught" moment, mixed with the whole
homoerotic thing, or an Ike-and-Tina-Turner type deal.]

	(Starscream gets to his knees and crawls to Megatron, clutching at
		his cannon of all things)

SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen, the genesis of a WHOLE lotta slash-fics!

[Yep; this would be the start of the whole Starscream/Megatron romance
fanfiction.  Again, we're NOT making up their existance. Oh how we wish we
were.  What's creepier is how many of these are written by women... possibly
ALL of them, but we don't want to do that kind of reasearch.]

	(A big empty desertscape. Hound steps up, and creates a huge hologram
		of a rocket base.)

PHIL: I see the Autobots have the Wile E. Coyote playbook.

[From the "Looney Toons" cartoons.  Wile E. had a penchant for overblown set-ups
for his plans, not to mention operating in the desert.]

	MEGATRON: Decepticons, ATTACK!
	(Fade to black)

PHIL: Or not!

	(fade back in)
	MEGATRON: ATTAAAAACK!

PHIL: Okay, yeah, on second thought, attack!

	(Shots of Autobots in giant labcoats running)

SIPHER: Oh man...

	(The Autobots pull off the coats)

SIPHER: HAH! Fooled by our clever disguises!

	(Fight scenes)

DOUG: BAF! ZONK!

[Referring to the 1960's "Batman" TV show, where the fight scenes were
punctuated by colorful sound effect cards -- "BAF!"  "POW!"]

	OPTIMUS: HOLD IT! Stop fighting!
	(Several Decepticons just collapse into piles of parts)
	OPTIMUS: What in the universe is going on here?
	JAZZ: Scrap!
	PROWL: Springs!
	HOUND: Junk.

PHIL: Last time I buy off eBay.

[If you're on the Internet and don't know what eBay is... you must be
richer than all of us.]

	MEGATRON: That's right, Prime! I was on to your little scheme from
		the start! Did you really think you could fool me by allowing
		Ravage to escape?

SIPHER: This is the SIXTH TIME you've tried this crap!

	MEGATRON: While you and the other Autobots have been fighting a bunch
		of loose screws, the REAL Decepticons have been at the REAL
		rocket site!

DOUG: Fighting the REAL Autobots! Wait...

	MEGATRON: The Decepticons have WON! (laughs)
	OPTIMUS: The race isn't over yet, Megatron.
	MEGATRON: Oh, it's OVER, Prime. You just don't KNOW it! HAHAHAHAHAH!

PHIL: (Megatron/Captain Joe) You're stuck here!

[In a scene from the MST3k experiment "Fugitive Alien," Captain Joe of the
Bacchus 3 is trying to console Ken, a former Star Wolf who's abandoned his
invading comrades and is now on the run.  Joe starts to laugh hard at part
of his own speech, then abruptly wheels to face Ken and angrily announces,
"You're stuck here!"  It's such a weird mood-swing transition that the scene
became something of a running gag for the MST guys.]

	(The REAL Decepticons fly overhead. At the rocket base...)
	TOWERGUY: Unidentified aircraft approaching, sir! A lot of them!
	SIR: This is Cape Carlson control tower!

SIPHER: Cape Carlson, Private Eye!

	TOWERGUY: They're moving fast, sir!
	SIR: Repeat! Cape Carlson

SIPHER: Private eye!

["Cape Carlson" just SOUNDS like an old 40's serial private eye name,
doesn't it?]

	SIR: Give us an ID and a flight mission! That's an order!
	CASEY KASEM: Look, they're coming down!
	SIR: Sound the alarm!
	(The Decepticons transform and land. Soldiers fire at them, and their
		rifles make weird non-bullet-firing noises, and the shots
		bounce harmlessly off the Decepticons)

DOUG: (weakly) Our Daisy Air Rifles aren't working, Sir!

[Daisy has been making air rifles, BB guns, and other assorted weapons for
over one hundred years.]

	SIR: Who are they? What's HAPPENING down there?!
	CASEY KASEM: Our weapons are totally ineffective!

PHIL: Your weapons are useless against Prince of Space!

[Another MST3k experiment, "Prince of Space", a 1950s theatrical serial from
Japan.  The hero announces to the villains numerous times throughout the
movie that their weapons have no effect on him.  It doesn't seem to sink in,
as they still try to shoot him, so it seems to have needed repeating.]

	(Megatron lands)
	MEGATRON: Excellent, EXCELLENT! Prepare the energon cubes!
	(Back at Decep HQ, the elevator lifts the final batch of cubes to the
		entrance)
	SOUNDWAVE: Course back to Cybertron charted. Space cruiser fueled and
		ready for depature.

SIPHER: (Soundwave) In-flight movie is Bio-Dome.

["Bio-Dome" starred Pauly Shore.  That's all you need to know in order to
avoid this movie like the plague.]

	(Autobot HQ)
	OPTIMUS: We have come to a moment of truth. The Decepticons are in a
		position to return to Cybertron. We have no choice but to
		attack them directly.

PHIL: (Prime) Sitting around and hoping they'd go away hasn't worked.

	OPTIMUS: ... so I ask for volunteers. Jazz?

SIPHER: You're volunteered.

	(Everyone steps forward, including Spike and Sparkplug)
	OPTIMUS: (in Jazz's voice) Autobots, transform!

DOUG: (Fakey) BOY, I'm glad this isn't like Armada which had all those
	voice flubs!

[One complaint of the "Transformers: Armada" cartoon was that frequently
the wrong voice would be dubbed in or other vocal goofs.  And of course,
"Generation 1" had none of those.]

	(Everyone transforms but Prime and Jazz. And the humans.)
	JAZZ: Start your engines!
	(The Autobots line up)
	JAZZ: Ready, Prime!
	(The same hideous deformo shot of Prime)

ALL: (shock and horror)

	(The Autobots drive off. Sigil transition. Decep HQ)
	MEGATRON: So CLOSE, Soundwave!

PHIL: Aw, it happens to everyone, Megatron.

	MEGATRON: So very VERY close... to conquest!
	(The Autobots drive up... REALLY SLOWLY)

SIPHER: They're all being driven by grannies!

	OPTIMUS: Encircle the base!
	(They drive into a circle)

ALL: (Old Western movie Indian, not Red Alert) WOO WOO WOO WOO

	MEGATRON: Decepticons! It is time to return to Cybertron and conquer
		the Autobots... FOREVER!
	(The Decepticons cheer, but there' a slight delay between the audio
		and the animation of fist-raising)

ALL : (as the hands go up) Uh yeah, sure whatever, yeah right (etc)

	MEGATRON: BOARD THE SPACE CRUISER!
	OPTIMUS: Autobots! TRANSFORM!

PHIL: BOY I'm glad this isn't like Robots in Disguise where everyone
	announced what they were doing!

[One complaint of the "Transformers: Robots in Disguise" cartoon was that
the characters would always announce the name of their special attack
maneuvers or "{Character Name} -- TRANSFORM!".  And of course, "Generation
1" never did that.]

	(Autobots transform and run. And run.)

SIPHER: Is somebody gonna SHOOT?

	MEAGTRON: We are under siege! Decepticons, TRANSFORM!
	(Megatron transforms and lands in Skywarp's hands. Other Decepticons
		leap off the elevator)

DOUG: I love how nobody's transforming. AGAIN.

	SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Laserbeak, Ravage, prepare for battle. Operation:

SIPHER: (Soundwave) The goofy game for dopey doctors.

["Operation" was a game that first appeared in the 1950's that allowed kids
to "operate" on a patient.  It consisted of a board with a picture of a
person with slots to contain different maladies -- "funny bone", "butterfiles
in the stomach", etc.  You took a special tweezers to try to remove the
part from the slot without touching the side, or else the patient would
"wake up", signified with his nose glowing red and a loud buzzer.

Kinda gruesome, actually, if you think that maybe they aren't using
anesthetic....]

	SOUNDWAVE: Eject. Eject. Eject!
	(The three tapes eject. Ravage pounces on Sparkplug)

DOUG: I guess they brought the humans as bait.

	(Hound and Rumble fight, grabbing at each others' throats. Weird
		bubbles float up which might be dust, who knows)

PHIL: (disgusted) Oh man, what's Rumble DOING?!

SIPHER: Light a match!

[What would an MSTF be without toilet humor?  Oh, yeah, highbrow and
educational.  Right.]

	RUMBLE: What makes you think you can fight?
	HOUND: Watch me!
	(Hound lifts Rumble... by cupping his crotch)

ALL: OOOH, RIGHT IN THE ROBO-JUNK!

	(Hound hurls Rumble against a rock and punches him repeatedly.
		Skywarp and Thundercracker transformer in very badly-renedered
		scenes)

DOUG: Picassocons, away!

[Pablo Picasso drew very unique drawings, in which reality is told to
take the night off.]

	(They join a very slow-flying LAserbeak in midair)

SIPHER: I like how they can stay airborne at two miles an hour.

	(Prime's trailer opens to show Combat Deck. Megatron returns to robot
		mode. Prime points...)
	OPTIMUSL: FIRE!
	(Combat Deck fires. Megatron returns fire, destroying Combat Deck.
		Prime points again... and a blast from nowhere knocks
		Megatrons' cannon off!)

ALL: DEATHFINGER!

[Ah, the famous "Finger of Doom" scene, Transformers net.legend.  It does look
like Prime is shooting Megatron's cannon off with only his finger.]

	OPTIMUS: It's just you and me now, Megatron!
	MEGATRON: Then you'd better get some help, Prime!
	OPTIMUS: Oooooooh nooooo. I've been waiting for this chance.
	(Megatron lunges)

PHIL: (Megatron) Kiss me you fool!

	OPTIMUS: Only ONE of us is going back, Megatron!
	(Megatron grabs Prime's head in both hands)
	MEGATRON: It won't be YOU, Prime!

	(Starscream aims his null ray, but Spike hurls a rock, knocking it)
		off Starscream's arm.

PHIL: Oh no!

	STARSCREAM: Who did that?!
	(Starscream reaches for his null ray, but Prowl runs it over,
		crushing it)

DOUG: NOT THE NULL RAY!

SIPHER: NOOOOOOOOO!

	OPTIMUS: CALL IT OFF!
	MEGATRON: Never, Prime! You and every last Autobot were to be
		destroyed!

PHIL: WERE to be? So you've changed your mind about that?

	(Ravage knocks Optimus off Megatron)
	MEGATRON: TO THE SPACE CRUISER!

ALL: (raise glasses) To the space cruiser! (clink!)

[A toast!  Everybody drink!]

	(A pair of Reflectors drop Windcharger and Gears. The jets turn and
		run)

DOUG: Classic Decepticon strategy. Get 'em on the ropes, then RUN AWAY.

	(The Autobots fire back, hitting rocks instead of Decepticons)

ALL: (helpful suggestions... up a little! Try aiming!)

	(Megatron is the last to get in)

PHIL: We'll send you a postacard! Love you!

	(Inside, Soundwave presses buttons)
	MEGATRON: BLAST OFF!
	(Soundwave presse a button. The rockets fire, and the cruiser
		launches from the mountain and into the atmosphere.)
	OPTIMUS: MEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAATROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

DOUG: IIIIII LOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

	(Commercial break)
	(Fade back in. The Autobots are staring into space)

PHIL: Man, that cruiser's a very clean-burning one, no exhaust at all.

	(Shot of a very long-legged Prime from behind)
	JAZZ: It's over, Prime. We've lost.

SIPHER: Prime's got Lupin proportions.

[Lupin III, gentleman thief and titular hero of the long-running manga and
anime series created by artist Kazuhiko Kato (a.k.a. Monkey Punch), is very
thin and lanky.  It's also worth noting that Lupin's sharpshooter partner
Daisuke Jigen is voiced in the dub by Richard Epcar, writer/performer in the
"Transformers: Robots in Disguise" cartoon, which explains the bizarreness
of both series' dialogue at times.  A mid-70's cartoon making references to
Gwenneth Paltrow and eBay?  Wacky.]

	OPTIMUS: Sideswipe! Give me your rocket pack.
	SIDESWIPE: My rocket pack?

DOUG: The Muffin Man?

[A reference to the scene in "Shrek" where Lord Farquardt is interrogating
the Gingerbread man, which in turn references the children's song/nursery
rhyme "The Muffin Man."  "Do you know the Muffin Man?"  "The Muffin Man?"]

	(Jazz puts Sideswipe's rocket pack on Prime)
	JAZZ: This is crazy, Prime! You'll never catch him!

PHIL: Catch him? I'm bolting.

	(Prime blasts off. To the Decep cruiser...)
	MEGATRON: It's done! We've seen the last of the Autobots, AND Optimus
		Prime!

DOUG: Yeah, there's no way they could escape from that energy-rich planet.

	STARSCREAM: Prime is right behind us!
	MEGATRON: That's impossible!
	(He steps to the viewscreen, and there's Prime!)
	MEGATRON: Open the artillery hatch!
	(A gun pops out of the ship's hull)
	MEGATRON: FIRE!

SIPHER: Oh, THAT'S what that's for!

	(The shot screams through space, and nails Prime, who goes tumbling)

PHIL: Optimus Prime, master of evasion.

	MEGATRON: Soundwave! Full throttle! We're goign home! OUR HOME!

ALL: (singing) In the middle of our street!

[The song "Our House" by "Madness":  "Our house -- in the middle of our
street"]

	JAZZ: It's Prime! He's been hit!
	PROWL: He's out of control!
	(Prime hits the ground hard)

DOUG: Man, he should leave an impact crater half a mile wide.

SIPHER: Or at LEAST be in tiny parts.

	(The Autobots help Prime up)
	OPTIMUS: (groaning) I'm FINE.

DOUG: It was only a three hundred thousand foot fall. I'm peachy.

	SPARKPLUG: You did all anyone COULD do, Prime.
	OPTIMUS: I don't know. Maybe. ... Where's Mirage?

SIPHER: Doing more than anyone could do, apparently.

	(Decep cruiser)
	MEGATRON: At last! Total victory is within my grasp!
	STARSCREAM: (vo) Not YOURS, Megatron! MINE!
	(Zoom out, and Starscream is aiming his blaster at Megatron. Cut back
		to Megs, and several Decepticons step away from him)
	MEGATRON: (laughs) I see you've learned nothing, Starscream.
	STARSCREAM: WRONG! I've learned a great deal!

PHIL: (Starscream) I learned that rhinoceros sleep standing up!

	MEGATRON: If you dispose of me, there will always be someone waiting
		to dispose of YOU.

SIPHER: Depending on their disposition.

	STARSCREAM: I've waited for this moment a long time, Megatron! And my
		time is NOW!
	(Mirage de-invisibles)
	SOUNDWAVE: Autobot invader! Autobot invader!
	(Mirage blasts a control panel)

DOUG: Okay, MIRAGE is the real hero. Up yours, Prime.

	(Starscream turns and blasts Mirage. Megatron grabs Mr. Fusion Cannon
		and blasts Starscream.)
	MEGATRON: Extinction to all traitors!
	SOUNDWAVE: Space cruiser losing power!

SIPHER: (Soundwave) More important problems, pinhead!

	MEGATRON: (panicking) Do something, Soundwave! Regain control!
	(The entire ship shudders)
	SOUNDWAVE: Control impossible! Prepare for impact!
	(Shot of Rumble amind smoke and flames)

SIPHER: PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!!!

[From the Fenslerfilms "G.I. Joe" PSA parodies, where the audio track is
replaced and on occasion the video edited for comedy.  They're really a
hot-and-cold thing... some are just painful and dull, but when they hit,
they really hit.  This is a reference to a PSA about not trying to cook when
your parents aren't supervising; a kid attempting this catches drapes (oddly
hung over the oven range) on fire.  The Joe member Blowtorch runs in, not to
rescue them, but because he was lured in by the smell of "PORKCHOP
SANDWICHES!"  He then swears like a sailor as he panics at the sight of fire.
The kids, by the way, speak in near-retarded gibberish.]

	(The ship smokes and curves in space, and falls back to Earth.
		Interior shot of the ship, the camera rolling in a circle.)

ALL: WHEEEEEEE!

	MEGATRON: Do something! DO SOMETHING!!
	(Mirage gets up and opens a hatch)
	MIRAGE: I'll say hello to... to Prime for you, Megatron! Happy
		landing!
	MEGATRON: STOP HIIIIIM!!!

PHIL: Our landing will be unhappy without him!

	(The Autobots leap up onto a cliff as the Decepticon cruiser screams
		by in flames)
	OPTIMUS: They're going to crash!

ALL: NOOOO.

	(The cruiser hits the ocean. The Autobots cheer.)
	OPTIMUS: The Decepticons are gone!

DOUG: Just like at the ruby mines of Burma.

SIPHER: Hee hee hee.

	JAZZ: They were on their way to Cybertron. Must've been a mechanical
		failure.
	PROWL: I don't think it was a mechanical failure, Jazz. Look!
	(Mirage parachutes down)

PHIL: See, Prime? That's a PARACHUTE. Next time, try one!

	OPTIMUS: We knew you were anxious to get back to Cybertron... but at
		least you could have waited for us.
	MIRAGE: Sorry, Prime. The ship was... full!

ALL: (fakey laughs)

SIPHER: Ha ha ha you're under arrest.

	OPTIMUS: Well done, Mirage.
	JAZZ: Well, let's get back to the base. We have a ship of our own to
		repair!
	SPIKE: Can I go back to Cybertron with you?

DOUG: (Prime) Do you like breathing pure methane?

	SPARKPLUG: Only if I can go with you!
	(That same hideous shot of Prime AGAIN)

ALL: AUGH NO!

	OPTIMUS: Autobots, transform!
	(He transforms. Then Jazz does. Then Hound and Sideswipe...)

SIPHER: Yes, yes, we know.

	(sigil transition. Shot of Autobot HQ from above)
	SPIKE: (vo) Because the Autobots stoped the Decepticons from stealing
		Earth's resources, the governments of the world agreed to give
		Optimus Prime the energy he needs to re-vitalize Cybertron!

DOUG: So we're giving them all of Earth's resources.

	(Spike is writing in his diary again)
	SPIKE: (vo) Well, that's it from Earth! Next stop, Cybertron!
	OPTIMUS: Ready, Spike? It's almost time to blast off!
	SPIKE: I'll be right there, Prime! (vo) One more thing.

PHIL: I'm Batman.

[Number 12.]

	SPIKE: (vo) ...we don't have to worry about Megatron and all those
		Decepticons any more!
	(Shot of the ocean. Music gets tense... underwater, the cruiser sits
		on a shelf, apparently undamaged. A hatch opens and Megatron
		crawls out and looks around.)

SIPHER: (Megatron) Ah, crap, we've got water in the basement.

	(Back to Tommy & Optimus)
	OPTIMUS: Allright, the story's finished.

ALL: FINALLY.

	TOMMY: Sure!
	(He slips the cover off to reveal a statue of Prime's head. Reaction
		shot of Prime)

DOUG: (Prime) Aww, you had blind kids make me a statue of Lincoln.

[Why Lincoln? It's just meaner and therefore funnier.]

	OPTIMUS: Even my own programmer couldn't tell the difference, but
		what's it for?
	TOMMY: We're gonna present it to ALL of the Autobots!

PHIL: As a constant reminder that we only like YOU, Prime.

[Seriously, Prime is basically THE only Autobot the average mid-20's
nostalgic remembers with anything approaching clarity, save maybe
Bumblebee.]

	TOMMY: And what better way to celebrate than with a statue?

SIPHER: You don't know about ale and whores, huh kid?

ALL: WOOOOOOOO!!!! (random revelling)

	(Fade to black)

===========================================================================
BUMPER EIGHT : TOP TEN WORST IDEAS IN TWENTY YEARS OF TRANSFORMERS -- 5 - 1
     Music - "The Ocean" -- Band of Weeds
===========================================================================

	       Top Ten Worst Ideas in Twenty Years
	                of Transformers

	5) "But how about if some HUMAN claimed to
	    CONTROL the robots for some radical terrorist
	    purpose?" -- Donny Finkleberg

	4) "I'm grateful, but only a flier has a chance of
	    clearing the blast." -- Optimus Primal

	3) "No you don't, Megatron!" -- Hot Rod

	2) "Nightbird has been constructed to demonstrate
	    to the world the limitless capabilities of
	    technology." -- Dr. Fujiyama

	1) "Lazarus.  They call me Lazarus.  So should
	    you." -- Lazarus



	Seriously.


	LAZARUS?



	[seriously]


[Lazarus was the main villian in Dreamwave's first "Generation 1" comic
mini-series.  For the most part, he was not liked by the fandom, and not
in a "Oh, I hate him because he's such an effective villian!" way.  No,
more like, "Oh, I hate him because he's a WASTE OF SPACE AND INK."]

OFFSTAGE: LIGHTS!

(Pause tape, house lights up)

Copyright © 1999 - 2005 ASM Productions
A SkyJammer Enterprises Publication
ASM is not responsible for content of offsite links.