Altered States Magazine - June 2002


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    The Haiku-ed Trannies Ballot
    Part I: Characters

    By Philip N. Zeman

    ======================================================================
    PART I: CHARACTERS
    
    *** Absolutely the Most Favorite Character of All Time
    ---QS:0101--Most-Favorite-Character-of-All-Time-----------------------
    V1=Sky-Byte
    V2=Waspinator
    V3=Optimus Prime
    I don't believe it.  But Optimus, my favorite character when I was
    little, has been knocked off his pedestal, by arguably the most
    humanized character we've been given.  Yes, the Great Steel Shark
    himself, Sky-Byte!
    
    Sky-Byte is the shining light of RiD.  It took a while, but I soon
    grew to love this goofy shark.  He has shown more personality than
    even Waspinator, I think.  Plus he SINGS!  How can you not like that?
    
    So while I still hold a special place in my heart for Optimus, I must
    to acknowledge that Prime never made me laugh like Sky-Byte has.
    Waspinator made me laugh, but I never used a quote from him as a .sig
    line.  I think that shows something.
    
    In honor of this grand occasion, I have composed a haiku, or rather,
    if you want to be accurate, a senryu.  (A haiku includes themes of
    nature; a senryu does not.)
    
                             Sky-Byte's our hero.
                         He ascends to the list's top.
                            Who's the shark, baby?
    
    And since that was such fun, I shall compose a haiku/senryu for each
    category, and each poem will tie into the answer or answers in some
    way.
    
    [Insert glyph of Rob muttering something about Phil, Joona, length of
    answers, and various forms of torture.]
    ---QE:0101------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Character(s), any Faction(s)
    ---QS:0102--Favorite-Characters(s)------------------------------------
    Sky-Byte
    Waspinator
    Optimus Prime
    Rattrap
    Dinobot
    Inferno BW
    Megatron BW
    Optimus Primal (in Beast Wars only, but for your calculations, I
    suppose you gotta take BW and BM together)
    
                           Sky-Byte still is first.
                         How shall we celebrate this?
                            Let's bake him a cake!
    ---QE:0102------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Autobot/Cybertron/Maximal
    ---QS:0103--Favorite-Autobot/Cybertron/Maximal------------------------
    V1=Optimus Prime
    V2=Dinobot
    V3=Rattrap
    Optimus is the head of the list here, and I still get chills watching
    Dinobot in "Code of Hero".  I can't wait for THAT ep to be released on
    DVD; my tape has a glitch in it.
    
    And Rattrap is still amusing.
    
                               Finding destiny,
                             Dinobot died a hero.
                              We all shed a tear.
    ---QE:0103------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Decepticon/Destron/Predacon
    ---QS:0104--Favorite-Decepticon/Destron/Predacon----------------------
    V1=Sky-Byte
    V2=Waspinator
    V3=Megatron-BW
    Sky-Byte, the singing shark, once again is top.  Waspinator still is
    a hoot, and y'know, I miss Beast Wars Megatron.
    
                            Baddest shark in town,
                           The universe's chew toy,
                And "Yes!  Yesss!  No!  Yessssssssssssss....."
    ---QE:0104------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Gestalt/Combiner Team
    ---QS:0105--Favorite-Gestalt/Combiner-Team----------------------------
    V1=Predacons (G1)
    V2=Seacons
    V3=Magnaboss
    In years past I've usually just repeated what I had on the previous
    year's ballot.  This year, I don't have my previous ballot handy, so
    I'm actually stopping to think about these.  Predaking has a nice look
    when combined.  I like Piranacon's ability to interchange the weapon
    with any arm or leg.  And I like Magnaboss's lack of kibble.
    
                               One has to wonder:
                           Are all the Predacon sects
                                Related at all?
    ---QE:0105------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Non-Combining Subteam
    ---QS:0106--Favorite-Non-Combining-Subteam----------------------------
    V1=Dinobots
    V2=Vehicons
    V3=Predacon Trio (RiD)
    Dinobots still rule even after all these years.  Grimlock and Swoop
    are my favorites; Grimlock because, well, he's Grimlock.  And Swoop
    always seemed like the one Dinobot you could always count on if you
    needed him.
    The later Vehicons were the best thing about BM, as the original three
    were great until they were shown to have Sparks of existing characters
    (BAD WRITING ALERT!).  We got some nifty toys for them, as well as the
    drone Basics.
    I wanted to put the Predacon Trio in here, even though they're not
    stated as an official sub-group.  They always do everything together,
    and while I didn't like them at the beginning, they got funnier.  And
    I'm sure Rob will throw this out if it's not allowed.
    
                              His shining moment --
                           When he just simply stated
                            "Me Grimlock kick butt!"
    ---QE:0106------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Favorite Non-Toy Character
    ---QS:0107--Favorite-Non-Toy-Character--------------------------------
    V1=Jhiaxus
    V2=Devcon G1
    V3=Circuit Breaker
    After seeing Walky's Jhiaxus kitbash, I realized I really would like
    a real Jhiaxus toy.
    Josie's appeal has diminished over the years.  When handled right,
    she could be a complex character.  When handled poorly, "All Robots
    Must Die!" gets old quickly.
    
                               I will be honest.
                        It took years to see the joke,
                            The pun "Gee, axe us."
    ---QE:0107------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Character Name
    ---QS:0108--Best-Character-Name---------------------------------------
    V1=Big Daddy
    V2=Blastcharge
    V3=Obsidian
    A 57 Chevy named "Big Daddy".  How can you NOT like that?
    Blastcharge is a repeat.
    And I just like the name Obsidian.
    
                               Big Daddy's the bot
                           Who is cool inside and out.
                           Hear him shout, "Oh, yeah!"
    ---QE:0108------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Worst Character Name
    ---QS:0109--Worst-Character-Name--------------------------------------
    V1=Battle Unicorn
    V2=Beast Changer
    V3=Gobots
    I can grudgingly accept the reason for Savage Noble to be renamed
    "Beast Changer".  And I understand "Gobots" was most likely a
    trademark thing.
    But "Battle Unicorn"?  "Hi, I'm Battle Unicorn!"  "Hi, I'm Shooting
    Gun!"  "Hi, I'm Stationary Box!"  (That'd be Grandus.)
    
                              What is in a name?
                            Personality and style.
                           These do not have those.
    ---QE:0109------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Character You Most Want to Be Friends With
    ---QS:0110--Character-You-Most-Want-to-Be-Friends-With----------------
    Waspinator
    Sorry, Sky-Byte.  As much as the Shark needs some friends, I still
    think Waspy needs them more.  Sky-Byte at least had a little respect
    from the Predacon trio every now and then.  Waspy kept getting the
    shaft by the Universe.
    
                              Waspinator fliezzzz!
                    He soarzzzz, he divezzzz, he gets shot
                              Into pieces.  D'oi!
    ---QE:0110------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Character You Most Want to Be Lovers(!) With
    ---QS:0111--Character-You-Most-Want-to-Be-Lovers-With-----------------
    
                                 I decline again.
                          I have troubles in real life.
                               Why try in fiction?
    ---QE:0111------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Character You Most Want To Lobotomize With a Runaway Arc Wielder
    ---QS:0112--Character-You-Most-Want-to-Lobotomize---------------------
    Nightscream.  Even after all this time, I dislike him.
    
                              Whiny little twerp.
                    Man, Thrust should have destroyed you.
                            You had no use.  None.
    ---QE:0112------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Most Annoying Character
    ---QS:0113--Most-Annoying-Character-----------------------------------
    V1=Nightscream
    V2=Ultra Magnus-RiD
    V3=Wedge
    Nightscream was whiny, had no respect, and was kewl only to be kewl.
    Ultra Magnus-RiD was a jerk and wanted nothing to do with the RiD
    Autobots.  Yet without explanation, he's ALWAYS there and ALWAYS
    helping them.
    And Wedge... I put him in here simply because I think it was really
    dumb to SEAL THE SPACE BRIDGE so that they could fight and "prove
    themselves."
    
                            Why are you guys here?
                           I can not see a purpose.
                          Please leave us.  Go.  NOW.
    ---QE:0113------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Swiss Army Bot Award, for the most versatile/adaptable
    Transformers character
    ---QS:0114--Most-Versatile-Character----------------------------------
    Wheeljack.  I mean, this guy was a fighter, an inventor, and a
    medic.  Plus, I hear he plays a mean accordian.
    
                                 So adaptable
                        Even his voice changed pitch in
                           "More than Meets the Eye"
    ---QE:0114------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Chilled Lubricant Award, for the most ruthless Transformers
    character
    ---QS:0115--Most-Ruthless-Character-----------------------------------
    Depth Charge
    Gotta hand it to someone who will act like a jerk in order to get his
    prey.  And then allow himself to be killed in order to kill the enemy.
    
                            Depth Charge, the manta.
                       Did your Spark find needed peace?
                            And where's Aqua-Brawn?
    ---QE:0115------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Silly Silicon Award, for the funniest Transformers character
    ---QS:0116--Silliest-Character----------------------------------------
    Sky-Byte
    Sorry Waspy.
    
                             The shark wins again.
                          He sings and quotes poetry.
                              That's good comedy!
    ---QE:0116------------------------------------------------------------
    

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      Copyright © 2002 Altered States Magazine
    A SkyJammer Enterprises Publication