Altered States Magazine - June 2002


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    The Haiku-ed Trannies Ballot
    Part II: Transformers Toys and Merchandise

    By Philip N. Zeman

    ======================================================================
    PART II: TRANSFORMERS TOYS AND MERCHANDISE
    
    *** Best Toy of the Year
    ---QS:0201--Best-Toy-of-the-Year--------------------------------------
    Spy Streak.
    Y'know, the fiddle factor of that toy was quite high.  I kept
    transforming him back and forth and back and forth....  Sign of a good
    toy, methinks.
    
                               The Fiddle Factor
                        Know it.  Embrace it.  Love it.
                               The Fiddle Factor
    ---QE:0201------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Toy Ever
    ---QS:0202--Best-Toy-Ever---------------------------------------------
    V1=Laser Rod Optimus Prime
    V2=Optimal Optimus
    V3=Jetfire
    Again, I go with Laser Rod Optimus Prime.  And yes, I prefer that over
    Black Convoy of Car Robots, since the character is Prime.  Optimal
    Optimus -- yes, I still like this.  And simply to be a sheep or
    something, I include Jetfire.
    
                           What determines "Best"?
                           Apparently it involves
                            A big light-up sword.
    ---QE:0202------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Non-American Toy Ever
    ---QS:0203--Best-Non-American-Toy-Ever--------------------------------
    V1=Big Convoy
    V2=Break
    V3=Galvtron BW2
    The more I look at our toys we get now, the more I realize that the
    non-American toys aren't as good as we thought.  It's more the thought
    of "Man, they're not here!"  So I'll go with what I wrote two years
    ago.  Big Convoy had the Matrix which was cool.  And FEAR THE
    PENGUIN.  And Galvatron simply for having a dragon mode first.
    
                            I know there's a shell
                        But it's still a penguin, man.
                            Fear the Penguin Break!
    ---QE:0203------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Convention-Exclusive Toy
    ---QS:0204--Best-Convention-Exclusive-Toy-----------------------------
    V1=Shokaract
    V2=Tigatron
    V3=Antagony
    
    Shokaract still is an impressive looking toy.  Tigatron, I chose,
    simply because it represented things that we thought couldn't be
    done -- it was a convention toy based on a pre-existing character,
    it was a name reuse within only two years of non-use, and it was a
    Japanese mold.  And Antagony -- hey, it's a psycho ant.  Woo!
    
                             Shocky, Tigy, Ant --
                           So many want you in box.
                             How many are loose?
    ---QE:0204------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Toy Character Box Art
    ---QS:0205--Best-Toy-Character-Box-Art--------------------------------
    Tigatron, BotCon 2001
    Gonna go with a BotCon piece, just for recognition of the work that is
    put into all of them.
    
                             What sells a figure?
                          Is it the toy or the art?
                            The pic is seen first.
    ---QE:0205------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Toy Tech-Spec Quote
    ---QS:0206--Best-Toy-Tech-Spec-Quote----------------------------------
    Gears: "Nobody wins a war -- someone loses."
    What can I say?  This is one of the few that sticks in my head.
    
                             "No one wins a war".
                         How appropos in these times.
                            Do we hope he's wrong?
    ---QE:0206------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Worst Toy of the Year
    ---QS:0207--Worst-Toy-of-the-Year-------------------------------------
    Dark Scream.  I just don't like that color of the toy.  Transform is
    kinda lame, too.
                            Alas, poor Dark Scream.
                          You get no respect from me.
                            Such is life, I guess.
    ---QE:0207------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Worst Toy Tech-Spec Quote
    ---QS:0208--Worst-Toy-Tech-Spec-Quote---------------------------------
    Onyx Primal.
    Laziness, plagarism, and having nothing to do with Transformers,
    really.  Although, RiD Prime's "Let's put out the fires of evil!" is
    almost as bad.
    
                            Next time show effort.
                       Don't rewrite to just look cool.
                             And evil has fires?
    ---QE:0208------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Earth Day Award, for the best reuse of a character's name
    ---QS:0209--Best-Reuse-of-a-Character's-Name--------------------------
    Inferno BW.  That crazy fire ant made things blow up.  Woo!
    
                              Crazy, insane ant
                       Protect your queen at all times.
                              For the royalty!
    ---QE:0209------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Grave-Spinning Award, for the worst reuse of a character's
    name
    ---QS:0210--Worst-Reuse-of-a-Character's-Name-------------------------
    Megatron RiD.  He does NOTHING except complain and blame his
    underlings.  Not up to par with either G1 or BW.
    
                              What is in a name?
                         Shadows, echoes of the past?
                          Sometimes that haunts you.
    ---QE:0210------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Encore Award, for the Transformers toy you most want to see
    re-released WITHOUT CHANGES
    ---QS:0211--Toy-That-Should-Be-Rereleased-Without-Changes-------------
    Fortress Maximus.
    Simply so that everyone who wanted one could get one.  I've already
    got one, so it's not based on a selfish desire.
    
                              Okay, that's a lie.
                           Not a big lie, but a lie.
                              I need a Spike fig!
    ---QE:0211------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Blackwell Award, for the Transformers toy with the best color
    scheme and design
    ---QS:0212--Toy-With-Best-Color-And-Design----------------------------
    Wind Sheer.  I just LOVE the deco on that.
    
                              The figure is neat.
                          I liked it in Machine Wars.
                            Love the yellow "crown".
    ---QE:0212------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The Gyp Award, for the Transformers toy that is the biggest waste
    of money
    ---QS:0213--Toy-That's-The-Biggest-Waste-Of-Money---------------------
    Meanstreak, G2 Powermaster.
    It's a toss-up among all the G2 Powermasters from Europe.  They all
    suck, just in different ways.  I chose Meanstreak because of his
    "arms".
    
                              I paid good money?
                         For these pieces of plastic?
                             I think I'll be sick.
    ---QE:0213------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The "Built Like a Brick" Award, for the most indestructible toy
    ---QS:0214--Most-Indestructible-Toy-----------------------------------
    Panther McDonald's BW Happy Meal
    Any Happy Meal toy would work.
    
                             Most G1 toys?  Nope.
                      Beast Wars toys are made to break.
                            Grandus is a brick....
    ---QE:0214------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** Best Merchandise Item of All Time
    ---QS:0215--Best-Merchandise-Item-------------------------------------
    "Artistic Transformations" by Vince DiCola
    Hearing piano renditions of my favorite themes just floored me.  I
    can listen to this over and over and over and over and over....
    
                          Play us a song, Vince,
                          You are the piano man,
                      I want more!  Please?  Please?
    ---QE:0215------------------------------------------------------------
    
    
    *** The "Justifiable Murder" Award, for the most desired merchandise
    item you want
    ---QS:0216--Most-Desired-Merchandise-Item-----------------------------
    The Tyco Train Set.  Dang it, I still want this.
    
                       Trains, trains on the track.
                      Transform and race all around
                        This will cost much dough.
    ---QE:0216------------------------------------------------------------
    

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    A SkyJammer Enterprises Publication