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Invasion Iowa
It Came From His Raccoon Bone (Episode 3)

Review by Philip N. Zeman
3.31.2005

Looking for the review of the final episode? Sorry, events of the past few days left me without the time to devote to a full viewing of the show and write about it. It's coming soon, I promise.

We now return to our regularly scheduled review.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Alternatively: Hit me with that penis! Episode Title: It Came From His Raccoon Bone Episode Chronology: Episode 3 First Air Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 Starring: Desi Lydic, Michael J. O'Hara, Ernie Grunwald, Kirk Ward, Garz Chan, and William Shatner Executive Producers: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Gary R. Benz, William Shatner Created by: Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick Written by: Andrew Green, J. Holland Moore, Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Jonathan Green, Gabe Miller Directed by: Brendon J. Carter Previous Episodes: 1 | 2

Already from the pre-credits promos, I can tell we're in for a good night. "Hit me with that penis!"? Let's get it started.

Today's episode once again starts off with William Shatner and Scotty (the assistant-to-the-assistant-to-Shatner) in the car, listening to the motivational CD once again. Bill suggests that Scotty make one of his own, so they do. Apparently, it's a good day, there will be no phones, and Scotty will go to Hawaii. Good gravy, this is good stuff.

Ah, yes, it's morning, so it's time to meet the local gang at the Kwik 'N EZ. It's also time for a new product placement thanks to Jim Pickering, a commercial for Comacho cigars! They make old men feel young again! Hey, would you doubt your local coffee drinkers? I think not.

And now, it's the climactic dramatic scene, with the most dramatic line you'll ever hear: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!". Split into 3 cue cards, much to Diana (the cue-card holder)'s chagrin, who also has to count off the O's for Shatner, since it can't be too long or too short, or all dramatic tension will be lost. She's a trooper, though, and goes with it, even coming up with a great way to time the scream: "1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi". Of course, Shatner overshoots the first time. And the second time. And probably several times we didn't see.

Of course, Studio Executive Max (Garz Chan) isn't happy about the scream. How unhappy?

Shatner: "Are you happy?"
Max: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--" you get the idea.

I realize that I'm watching this from the comfort of my home, with the knowledge that it's fake... but I gotta think had I been there, this entire exchange would have set off some alarms in my head. Then again, I'd probably be star-struck Carry on.

So. after Max storms off and they finish the shoots, Shatner has an hour to kill. He asks Scotty to take him to his house, where Scotty can show him his big TV. After the drive (complete with more motivational chanting), Shatner realizes it's time for a pause for the ol' cause. While he's on the can, "Sean Connery" (really voice actor Tom Kane) calls up, so it's up to Scotty to handle things.

Sean's upset. Really upset. Profanity-laced conversation upset. Apparently. Max promised Sean certain things, and he hasn't gotten them, and if he doesn't get them, he won't come and do the film! Scotty tries to relay messages to and from Shatner through the bathroom door. Shatner tries reassure Sean, but he hangs up, telling Scotty to tell Shatner to bite his bloody Scottish a--!

So, Scotty and Shatner try to figure out what's going on with Max. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe she's trying to stop the picture by irritating Sean. Maybe they're having an affair. What if... Sean stayed at Scotty's house? He seems agreeable to that (much to Shatner's surprise, I'm sure), and they head back to Murph's.

Now it's back to Murphy's to view the day's shots. And now it's time for Herb lets it known that he's got a thing for Max, much to the surprise of Jim Pickering.

Ah, yes, time for the dailyies. We see Shane (Shatner's character in the film) running. And running. And running some more. We don't know where he's going, but finally, he collapses, exhausted, obviously in both physical and emotional pain. All he can do is look up to the sky and scream a cry of despair:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--" we've been here before.

After the viewing, it's time for the Memorabilia Auction -- chewing gum, Speedos, Shackles, the... time travel goop. (Dude, Reese, you know this stuff would sell on eBay in a heartbeat. Think about it. Auction up some SHATS.)

We're now at the Kwik-N'-EZ with Donald L. Jeff Coon Tarbucket Rath (his real name, no lie), one of the locals. After hearing Shatner complain about Max, Don decides it's the perfect time to bring out his good luck charm -- a raccoon penis. So of course, Shatner asks him to wave that penis around to give him luck.

Y'know, had this been part of the Invasion Iowa reality show script, I'd would not have believed it. But this is real life, folks.

Jim's product placement for today is to promote -- Shatner himself! So, Jim is going to carry the Emmy around.... but not before Don declare Shatner as Academy-approved. Winning that Emmy was just great luck for Rhett and the producers. It's provided some great comedic touches.

On location, Spiritual Advisor Steve (Ernie Grunwald) is spreading the love via the Third Person Exercise (Steve: "How does Steve feel? Steve feels great!"), when Max walks up complaining about a cow on the set. Apparently, Steve feels since the cow is a sacred animal in some cultures, having one on set will bring luck. Max.... doesn't get it.

Curtis Muckler is a new local cast member... and proud priceline.com user and money saver. (Ka-CHING!) He's part of a scene where Shane is once again running, and Curtis plays a local townsperson who points Shane to where Linda is. (But not before we see some elderly extras watch in amazement... and get a tad frisky.)

Max takes issue with Shatner's running. Apparently, he runs like a girl. So Body Double Tiny (Kirk Ward) will run in his place. And Shatner makes him run faster and faster, just for abuse. Who knows how many takes they did? Apparently, Tiny can't stop on his mark, either, so he continues to run, take after take, until he's about ready to pass out or throw up. Or both. Get that man some water -- and a Comacho cigar!

Just what every marathon runner has in their training regimen, I'm sure.

Ah, so now we find out that Leading Lady Gryffyn (Desi Lydic) is writing a chidren's book titled PoPo. It's about Popo the penguin, sort of "a girl Barney meets Barbie". To help the locals understand what her book is about, she gets Herb to dress up in a penguin costume while she reads her book out loud.

It's no Dr. Seuss, that's for sure. The plot of the book is that PoPo has small wings. This makes her said, since the penguins with bigger wings get all the attention from the penguin boys. So she goes to the doctor and gets... wing implants. This makes her very happy.

Yes, it's exactly what you are thinking. It's a children's book about plastic surgery and breast implants.

The locals are too kind to tell Gryffyn what they really think, so they are really quiet for a long time. Eventually, one of them says, "Maybe you should keep her wings small," and then every one is in agreement.

Tiny pays a visit to the local fire station and asks the local firefighters if they can get a small brush fire going so Uncle Bill can ride with them, a la, Rescue 911.

But this is Riverside, Iowa, there the locals go out of their way to please -- so they torch an unneeded car. Yes, torched it so Shatner could help put the fire out, being captured on film (complete with Jim Pickering Emmy product placement!). Of course, when it's out, Shatner tries to exaggerate the story, so apparently now he'sa hero who saved a life all by himself. Of course, back at the station, the firefighters tell the truth.

Wait, no, they don't. Yes, Shatner pulled someone out of the car. Gotta love these folks.

Ah, yes, back to the church, the church where Shatner wants to break one of the 100-year old stained-glass windows. Tiny thinks they can bribe Father Rich Adam with a... dog bowl? But no one's there, so later on, it's up to Steve to make the barter and persuade the priest to allow the crew to destroy an irreplaceable window. Of course, this leads to a conversation between the two spiritual folk -- except, of course, Steve has no idea what he's talking about. ) The priest will not be moved, however, even with an impassioned (sort-of) speech by Steve to not hold on to material objects. But the answer is still "No." Well, more like a stare of "... you gotta be kidding."

Back at Murphy's, it's time to view the big running scene. It's not a big scene, but it's full of horrible acting. By Shatner, of course, but Curtis was humble enough to think that he, himself, sucked. Chin up, there, ol' chap. Remember, you're not a professional.

Shatner has a surprise -- someone in the room is going to have dinner at Delgado's, and the lucky winner is -- Brooke Lemke ("Linda)". During dinner, Steve walks in with an important phone call from... Morgan Freeman! Well, it's Tom Kane, again, but Brooke doesn't know that. She's delighted to have a conversation with Mr. Freeman. And then it's... Anthony Hopkins. Wow, she's talking to all the stars.

Back at Murphy's, Steve asks Max if there's anything he can do, and Max calls him a quack. It's up to Diana to boost his feelings. And then Max is grilling Scotty, trying to get him to agree with her about the length of the "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and that Brooke is too young to play the part. He agrees with her on the former, but not the latter. And he's not happy that she's undermining him, and he fears for his job as the assistant-to-the-assistant.

So, back at Delgado's, Shatner finishes the conversation, when Max barges in. She's staying for the rest of the week, because she doesn't like what's going on. They leave, which means that it's time for Tiny to be a double for Shatner -- even at tinner. They start making fun of Max, who is not loved by either.

That's how the episode ends. So, we're halfway through the mini-series, but probably not even halfway through the movie. While not as insane as smiting people, I gotta give props to PoPo the Penguin. Not only was it just utterly over-the-top, but Rhett was nice enough to provide ample... clues as to the hidden meaning thanks to nice camera shots. Again, the winks to the viewer are much appreciated.

No behind-the-reality-show-scenes this time around, which I miss. I got used to seeing Rhett and the producers every episode of both Joe Schmoe seasons, so it feels like there's something missing by not seeing more of that. I suppose since the entire show was cut down from 8 hours to 5, it's more important to see Shatner and crew rather than Reese.

Nobody seemed to get wise to the production this time around, so it appears that Bill Blank's suspicions didn't take root. I gotta wonder how much we're not seeing, because like I said, there was some stuff that just seemed to be completely obvious. But again, I'm watching with full knowledge and not on location.

And again, seeing the willingness of the townspeople to go out of their way to not hurt Gryffyn's feelings or set a car on fire so Bill can play hero -- and then allow Bill to lie about it and keep the lie going! -- you feel bad when you realize they're being duped. It's the nature of the show, and you just got to hope for the best.

I can't believe this show is almost over. Just two short hours left, and then it's done. I've already grown to love both the cast -- Gryffyn and Tiny are my favorites -- and the locals -- how can you not not grow attached to innocent Brooke, always-trying Scotty, or resourceful Jim? And Shatner is just outstanding playing an amped-up version of himself. I certainly hope the finale lives up to the insanity we've seen so far, that the locals take it all in stride, and that we can get more of this show on DVD.

Invasion Iowa concludes Friday, April 1 (how appropriate?) at 9:00pm ET/PT with a two hour episode. For more information, check out the Official Invasion Iowa site and the Official Invasion Iowa Blog. Also be sure to check out the official sites for Bill Blank and Murphy's Bar & Grill.